Disappointed at my family for their lack of support during my breakup

[introverted1]

How are you doing, Gaeta?

[FMW]

I think you can share at least some of your feelings with your 16 year old.  You don't have to (shouldn't) get down into the nitty gritty details and more emotional parts, but you can admit to feeling sad for the loss of the relationship.  As she sees you make your way through the worst of the hurt and move on to be happier it's a good lesson for her.  Hurt and disappointment happen in life, but knowing how to handle it and become stronger is a very valuable life skill for her to see modeled.   

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

How are you doing, Gaeta?

I'm doing better thank you. I hope I won't get really depressed again like I have been this past week. It's very symbolic but moving to a new year reminds me to look forward from now on.

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Hugs. 

Be grateful for your brother but I think you can try to get your mom to help you.  You will have to give her specific things to do.  Tell her point blank to call you once a week, ask how you are doing, let you vent & then tell you she loves you.  She doesn't have to understand why you need that. She just has to do it.  That was how I got DH to be more empathetic.  I told him to hug me when I cry.  He didn't see the point but he dutifully did it & now likes the results (I get calmer).

That's interesting d0nnivain.  I didn't think it was possible to teach someone empathy as in truly understanding what you're experiencing and feeling your pain.

What you can teach them is how to go through the motions and learning what "works "   In your case, DH learned when he hugs you, you calm down.  Is that true empathy?  I don't know. 

Hi Gaeta, just wanted to chime in and share that my mom was the same when I experienced hurt and trauma. 

Not sure why, but I think maybe with moms and daughters, the mom sees herself through her daughter, and when her daughter shows weakness, the mom feels weak as well.

So she uses "tough love" which is what my mom always did versus empathizing, and displaying compassion.  At the time, I felt hurt but once healed, I realized why she did.  

My dad, the hard core ex-marine, was the parent that gave me the most support.  And who I learned to turn to.

Your teen sounds lovely!  Quite perceptive but I agree with you.  She is too young to be saddled with her mom's pain.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon and Happy New Year to you too!  

Edited January 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, FMW said:

I think you can share at least some of your feelings with your 16 year old.  You don't have to (shouldn't) get down into the nitty gritty details and more emotional parts, but you can admit to feeling sad for the loss of the relationship.  As she sees you make your way through the worst of the hurt and move on to be happier it's a good lesson for her.  Hurt and disappointment happen in life, but knowing how to handle it and become stronger is a very valuable life skill for her to see modeled.   

Yes, at beginning she used to ask me all the time if I was ok, and I did tell her I'm sad, I will be sad for a while but I'll be ok. I spoke about I mostly miss him and she said the house is quiet since he's gone, it's a big change and she feels that change too. Now typing this I realize she may want me to confine in her more so she can as well share with me how she feels about this. 

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

  She is too young to be saddled with her mom's pain.

But she is already saddled with it. She is well aware of what is going on.
Excluding her because "the kid won't understand" will not make her feel good at all.
It introduces distance.

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not sure why, but I think maybe with moms and daughters, the mom sees herself through her daughter, and when her daughter shows weakness, the mom feels weak as well.

I'm surprised at the number of women that posted in my thread that have experienced with their mother exactly what I'm experiencing. 

I don't think I can teach her empathy, I think I have to get from my mother what she is good at, she's a good conversationalist, she has a good positive energy,  so can be a good and positive distraction to have. I've started texting her daily again, the usual stuff, exchanging recipes, where you can buy butter on special, how my brother's babies are growing up so fast. 

[elaine567]

I have a feeling many women get "burnt out" with emotions and so cannot take any more. They are treading water, just keeping themselves afloat.
There is a theory that post menopausal women stop caring as the decrease in levels of "caring hormones" makes them colder or more pragmatic maybe. It can explain why women cut off the sex too.
They are in fact all cared out...
 

[poppyfields]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm surprised at the number of women that posted in my thread that have experienced with their mother exactly what I'm experiencing. 

I don't think I can teach her empathy, I think I have to get from my mother what she is good at, she's a good conversationalist, she has a good positive energy,  so can be a good and positive distraction to have. I've started texting her daily again, the usual stuff, exchanging recipes, where you can buy butter on special, how my brother's babies are growing up so fast. 

I agree and I give you tons of credit for understanding and appreciating what your mom is able to give and embracing that.

I did not, I felt terribly hurt by my mom for a very long time and shut her out.  

Re your teen, while she knows you are hurting and why, what I meant by saddled is not burdening her with your day to day emotional ups and downs, of which there will be many and for some time.  

Did you ever watch the show "The Good Wife"?  If not, I think you would enjoy and might learn from it.  I did and I'm not even a mom yet.  In other ways too.  

The main character, Alecia, a strong, successful woman like you, is healing from a lying, cheating husband/marriage.  She also has a teen daughter to whom she is very close, who wants to "help." 

The way Alicia handled that situation was spot on imo.

Check it out if you can, it's really good!

 

 

Edited January 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I have a feeling many women get "burnt out" with emotions and so cannot take any more. They are treading water, just keeping themselves afloat.
There is a theory that post menopausal women stop caring as the decrease in levels of "caring hormones" makes them colder or more pragmatic maybe. It can explain why women cut off the sex too.
They are in fact all cared out...
 

My mom was never caring though, never nurturing even when I was a toddler and my mom was young.  I don't ever recall her comforting me when I hurt myself, in fact she seemed burdened.  

In the end I learned she did love me and did the best she could.  In fact, when she got older, she showed more compassion at least tried to.  

I dunno, moms and daughters sometimes have a weird dynamic.

 

[elaine567]

Not every woman is maternal, not every woman even likes kids.
Plenty women  get railroaded into being Moms.
Plenty women are emotionally unavailable or have their walls up having been damaged by life.
Expecting Moms to somehow be the Mom we always wanted can be a big ask.
In the animal kingdom, some mothers will walk away from grown offspring or push them away, they have done their bit and now the offspring must make their own luck.
Maybe trying to keep contact and force "care" out of some Moms is unnatural?

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Not every woman is maternal, not every woman even likes kids.
Plenty women  get railroaded into being Moms.
Plenty women are emotionally unavailable or have their walls up having been damaged by life.
Expecting Moms to somehow be the Mom we always wanted can be a big ask.
Maybe trying to keep contact and force "care" out of some Moms is unnatural?

Agree!  Except not sure if my mom got "railroaded" into having kids. She knew my dad wanted lots (he had 11 siblings himself), and so she had us to please him I think. 

But agree she just was not the nurturing type and probably should not have had so many. 

I also agree with last paragraph bolded.  You can't force someone to care or to be empathetic.  They either do or they don't, from within their own hearts..

I never tried to force it, I simply shut her out and didn't speak with her.  

Which in retrospect wasn't right either, I dunno we both did the best we could at the time, eventually we forgave each other. 

Again @GaetaI so applaud you for how you're handling all this, god you're strong!  Even if you don't feel strong at times, which is normal, you are!  

Edited January 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

People are complexe. 

My mother did not relate enough to support me through my seperation but she is being a huge support to me since the death of my dog. She calls and text every day and I feel like she really understand the level of loss I'm dealing with. My mother did own dogs earlier in her life and she has always been kind and sensitive to animals needs, that's why this time she can relate.