Is it abusive? or something that should just be fixed with 'I'm sorry?

[candy55]

I am posting this in hopes of as much truthful feedback that I can possibly get. So years ago my husband wanted his brother to spend the night, I told him no because we had a brand new baby and I was trying to figure out the mom thing. He would not take no for an answer so finally we agreed that he could sleep there but he needed to leave when my husband went to work, everyone agreed. However the real reason I did not want to have him around is his sister told me that he raped her after she had a brain surgery he was 17 at the time when this took place. I did not tell my husband only because anytime I had mentioned anything about his family he would deny it and tell me that it was not true and his family is not like that and so on. Even if I said anything it really wouldn't have changed anything. My husband left for work but he did not make his brother leave, "because he was sleeping." We lived in a split level apartment which the downstairs had a bathroom, kitchen and living space. When I realized that he was still in my house I locked and stayed inside my bedroom which was upstairs. I eventually needed to use the restroom and I opened the door just as he was opening the door on the other side he jumped and was like oh didn't know where the bathroom was which there was no reason for him to need to use the one upstairs. Quickly I grabbed the baby and keys and left, after he darted into the other room. I was still recovering from the C-section and I regret not calling the police, it didn't cross my mind I was just trying to get to a safe place for me and my son. When I approached my husband and told him what happened he told me that his brother was not like that and that I shouldn't say things about him. I was devastated, he knew that I had been repeatedly raped as a child. I felt like when this happened he just dismissed it and not even 2-3 days later he was inviting his brother over to "hang" out with him.  He doesn't understand that if you love someone you protect them even against your own family.  It has not been in case in many situations. Shortly after this took place he asked how he can make it right,  I told him that he needed to tell his brother that he knows that he was going to attempt rape on me and that he would not tolerate any of this behavior. He refused to do it.  His brother called him asking if he could come visit our house a few years later, I told him it looks like you can have that discussion with your brother, immediately he called him back telling him not to drive all the way to our house. Just a year ago he told me that he never had any intentions on talking to his brother, which is completely obvious then he says he told me that out of anger, I just tell him look at your actions it all speaks very loud and clear. Tonight he is telling me that if I would have just told him what his sister told me then none of this would have ever happened, I am not stupid and is far from the truth.  I know I need to leave so that I can find peace and heal, I know I cannot heal because there are no options to heal or mend or move forward with a husband who doesn't treasure or even at least respects me enough to protect me. I am stuck though I have 3 boys who I would be very worried about if I had to share custody with him due to the highly sexual nature of his family, I don't think that my boys would be protected at all. My husband still wants relationships with these relatives and they are outright disgusting. Another example is his 2 females cousins were posting on their fb pages them licking penis pillows and humping the snow in their bikinis and I asked him to please remove them because it is not appropriate if our children were to see that and that I also find it very disrespectful to me and I do not think it is appropriate, he complained that I am too controlling and I only want to control everything he does. I could go on and on about nastiness and weird sexual happenings  but that would take too long. I am terrified that if I get a divorce and have to share custody that my boys will be raped by his brother, sister, mother, cousins again this list would go on and on and on. This is the reason I stay and the reason I am so miserable even though I try to make the best out of what I can considering the situation. He says that this can heal if I would let it and honestly after 11 years, no I don't see any way it can heal I have tried everything. He doesn't hear anything I say or think like a normal person. His issue is that he "needs to protect his family, meaning his mom, brother, sister, and so on because he always had to protect them from his step dad."  

Please help by posting your thoughts on the situation. Thank-you in advance!   

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, candy55 said:

  I have 3 boys who I would be very worried about if I had to share custody with him 

Sorry to hear that. How old are your children now? Is their parental controls and supervised internet for them?

Hopefully you are careful about social media and have deleted and blocked anyone who posts inappropriate content.

Make sure you are getting ongoing help for the unfortunate childhood trauma.

Unfortunately, you can't stop your husband from contacting his family, but you don't have to host overnight guests who make you uncomfortable.

Make sure you protect yourself and your children from undesirable individuals and social media content.

 

[candy55]

They are 5, 8 and 12. I do everything to protect my children my husband does not unfortunately.