Boyfriend's sister-in-law doesn't like me.

[Bunnycupcake]

 
I originally met my boyfriend’s sister-in-law on the 4th of July at her house where I met my boyfriend’s brother who is married to her and my boyfriend’s family. It was a pleasant enough night, filled with drinking and talking with his family and her— that is until his brother and sister-in-law made me uncomfortable. His brother commented on how big my breasts were by announcing in front of his wife (boyfriend’ SIL), “She’s got some tig ol’ bit ties,” while SIL just laughed and agreed while I stood there speechless, seeing as this was our first time meeting, I felt embarrassed and I felt awkward because it was only myself, my boyfriend’s brother and boyfriend’s sister-in-law alone in the kitchen. I did my best to ignore what was said about me and in front of me to keep the night at ease.

 Towards the end of the night, the sister-in-law and I were getting along swell and were quite tipsy, she ended up speaking badly on my boyfriend, making comments like she didn’t believe that he served his four years in the marines, and talked about how him and his ex-wife cheated on each other, but my boyfriend was the one who initiated the cheating, and many other things as well. She said that boyfriend is only nice to women and then she blurted out, “Don’t trust him!”

 Of course I was curious why she would declare such caution and I asked her why; she told me that he had hooked up with a woman at her house that she brought home for him, when her, her husband, and my boyfriend were out at a bar. At that point I was livid, I was hurt and I was still new in the relationship, at that time, I was only exclusively dating him for a month. She never told me the timeline of when he hooked up with this woman, big with the way she worded it, I presumed it was when I was dating him. After she told me this, she continued to bad mouth him. I told him shortly after that I wanted to leave and I immediately confronted him. We established that he had hooked up with this girl when him and I were not dating... I also felt the duty to tell him that his sister-in-law of twelve years was speaking ill of him, and he was shocked.

I have heard that she’s problematic and my boyfriend’s mom and her don’t get along well because the sister-in-law is argumentative, so they fight often, she’s even punched my boyfriend in the chest before in attempt to knock him out when he was heavily intoxicated. She was also 5150’d before for being suicidal, so I know that she has some issues that I can sympathize with, but she’s incredibly problematic as well. She also goes out of her way now to exclude me from everything, including parties at her house, which is fine, but she won’t even come to my boyfriend’s parents house if I’m there. All of this I can deal with, but recently my boyfriend told me that she brought me up and told him that she didn’t like me because when we met for the first and only time ever, even until now, I apparently said that I was going to manipulate my boyfriend. I’ve never said such a thing and I would never say a thing like that about anyone, let alone to his long time sister in law, I was so upset that I cried because I don’t know why she would make that up about me when she was the one who was bad mouthing my boyfriend the one night I met her.

However, now I feel so uncomfortable when he goes to her house because she’s very sporadic and I never know what she has up her sleeve because she doesn’t like me. How can I learn to deal with this woman? I love my boyfriend, and I hope to see a future with him, he’s loving  and wonderful to me, but he refuses to call her out on her lie about me, which I believe he should do. She’s also put my boyfriend in uncomfortable circumstances, she told my boyfriend that she cheated on his brother and made him promise not to tell his brother. 

She’s not very nice and she even got mad at my boyfriend’s mom for buying her daughter a book shelf for Christmas because she wants to design her daughters room to her own liking, she got mad at my boyfriend’s mom and left the book shelf at my boyfriend’s moms house and wanted to leave their Christmas party because she was so “upset” about feeling out of control in designing her daughters room over a book shelf, even though my boyfriend’s mom asked SIL’S husband (her own son) if she could buy it. My boyfriend told me of this incident and also told me that his mom and his sister-in-law get into it every Christmas because sister-in-law always finds something to be upset about.

This woman is even rude to her own mother in law, so I’m nervous about what I’m getting into. It also turns out that everything she told me was a lie about my boyfriend, even his mom and dad said that the sister-in-law attended my boyfriend’s graduation as a marine, so I don’t know why she lied to me? 

Edited December 29, 2020 by Bunnycupcake
Spelling

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. How long have you been dating?

What does your BF think about his brother's lewd comments about you?

Unfortunately your BF is part of all this. You'll have to reflect on whether it's worth continuing with someone like this.

It may seem easier to get mad at his SIL. but your BF condones thier behavior and disrespect toward you.

Have you discussed this with your BF? What is his response?

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, Bunnycupcake said:

 His brother commented on how big my breasts were by announcing in front of his wife (boyfriend’ SIL), “She’s got some tig ol’ bit ties,” while SIL just laughed and agreed while I stood there speechless, 

What an absolute creep.   I know it's horrible to be excluded from functions, but in this case you can probably count her determination to exclude you as a blessing.  She and her husband obviously totally lack manners.  As your post continues, it becomes clear that not only does this woman lack manners - but she's both emotionally and physically abusive.  Any decently mannered person should expect to be disliked by somebody like that.  I can well imagine that her dislike creates some practical difficulties in terms of family events etc...but the great thing about her excluding you from things is that you can do precisely the same to her without any guilt.

[elaine567]

Part of long term dating is sussing out the potential "in laws".
Here you have found his family is a toxic mess.
The SIL hates you, no doubt due to her husband's fascination with your breasts, or maybe there is more to it...
Your MIL/SIL are at each other's throats - the MIL may seem benign just now but you may find yourself to be no more popular with her than the SIL is.
Your bf doesn't actually come out smelling of roses here either. He seems happy for you to be ostracised by his family...
i would suggest you run.
Do you really want your potential children to be exposed to all this?

[stillafool]

You don't have to deal with his SIL at all.  Just stay away from her and when you do run into her and she's rude to you, put her in her place and keep it moving.  Be cheerful with others around her to let her know she can't affect your mood.  This is the only way to handle her since your boyfriend is too much of a coward to defend you or break up with him and find a guy who's family you like.

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, Bunnycupcake said:

  She also goes out of her way now to exclude me from everything, including parties at her house, which is fine, but she won’t even come to my boyfriend’s parents house if I’m there.

Why on earth would you want to go to parties at her house, or for her to come to your boyfriend's house when you are there????  You should be excluding HER from YOUR life.  You need to know when to cut a toxic person out of your life.  And this woman is toxic.  It sounds like your bf's brother is, too.  You need to stop internalizing this and feeling bad about it.  This is a sign that his family is dysfunctional and full of problems.  Do you really think it's a good idea to marry into this family?  If your boyfriend is not standing up for you or supporting you when they say or do disrespectful things towards you, that is a major problem.  Have higher standards for yourself than this.

[Watercolors]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. How long have you been dating?

What does your BF think about his brother's lewd comments about you?

Unfortunately your BF is part of all this. You'll have to reflect on whether it's worth continuing with someone like this.

It may seem easier to get mad at his SIL. but your BF condones thier behavior and disrespect toward you.

Have you discussed this with your BF? What is his response?

To add to what Wiseman’s advised with his questions and statements, when you date someone, you inherit their family members for good or bad. 

This isn’t just about this toxic woman. This is about your boyfriend too. His SIL is not going anywhere. She is part of your boyfriend’s family. If his family doesn’t like you, they will do everything as a team to sabotage your relationship with your boyfriend. I’ve had this happen to me with previous boyfriends’ whose family members didn’t like me, and I’ve seen this happen to various friends’ from their partner’s families. 

So, instead of focusing on how evil the SIL is, your focus should be on your boyfriend’s role in all of this. Why does he allow his family to treat you this way? Why doesn’t he stand up for you? Have you talked to him already and what has he said? 

The easiest solution: break up with him. If you’re incompatible with your partner’s family, which it definitely seems like you are in your case, then there is literally nothing you can do to change their low opinion of you. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

If you’re incompatible with your partner’s family, which it definitely seems like you are in your case, then there is literally nothing you can do to change their low opinion of you. 

I agree.  Some people, like me, wouldn't care what they think but you are one who does and wants to be accepted.  It's not going to happen here because your bf's SIL isn't going anywhere so he isn't the right one for you.  Be glad you aren't married to him.

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree.  Some people, like me, wouldn't care what they think but you are one who does and wants to be accepted.  It's not going to happen here because your bf's SIL isn't going anywhere so he isn't the right one for you.  Be glad you aren't married to him.

Exactly. Families are loyal and if they don’t like an outsider, they will get rid of that person. Or if they can’t, they will go out of their way to make that personal miserable. OP, you need to tell your boyfriend that either he gets involved here and tells his family to back off and accept you, or your other choice is to just break up with him and try to find another boyfriend whose family you don’t have to walk on eggshells around because they like you and accept you and respect you. Your current boyfriend’s family definitely doesn’t like you or respect you. And that’s just not going to change. 

[spiderowl]

Wow, I feel for you!  I'm so sorry you are facing this dilemma.  Is your boyfriend aware of her malicious lies, even if he chooses not to engage with her over it?  He may just prefer to keep away from the woman.

I think much depends here on how your boyfriend perceives this woman.  If he thinks she is a troublemaker he chooses to avoid, then that's one thing - you can both do your best to avoid her.  If, however, he cannot see that she is lying or thinks it is not so bad, then I would suggest breaking up with him.  It is sad to have to do this but you need your boyfriend to understand the situation properly.  If he is not capable of seeing through this woman, then if you continue with him, you will get drawn into endless family dramas as this woman makes trouble for you and him.

It is a serious matter and I can understand why you are worried about what to do.  Of course, you can avoid her and refuse to go to family occasions where she is there, but if your boyfriend is half-believing her lies, then you are in for a miserable time.  From what you have said, he is not falling for her lies and just does not want conflict, in which case talk with him and decide on a course of action for dealing with this woman.  I recommend avoidance.

Finally, I would also check your security.  Check that this woman would not have a key to yours or your boyfriend's places, for example.  She is trouble and there is no point giving her unnecessary access into your lives.  Do not give her or her partner details of where you work or hang out.  I would also avoid rushing to her aid if she claims an emergency of some sort.  Your boyfriend can go if he wishes, but do not allow her to use any excuse to corner you.  She sounds potentially dangerous as well as obnoxious.

Edited December 30, 2020 by spiderowl

[Pumaza]

Hmm....where is your bf in all of this?Ots his people,his side of family, he needs to be saying something.But you need to speak up tp.Dont get disrespected.Like talking about your private parts is very rude of her.

SIL may know your bf ways and hidtory.But still she is acting in a rude wild way.

This dont look worth your time.To much drama,and a guy who dont step up to protect you.

[Bunnycupcake]

On 12/29/2020 at 3:33 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. How long have you been dating?

What does your BF think about his brother's lewd comments about you?

Unfortunately your BF is part of all this. You'll have to reflect on whether it's worth continuing with someone like this.

It may seem easier to get mad at his SIL. but your BF condones thier behavior and disrespect toward you.

Have you discussed this with your BF? What is his response?

We have been dating for seven months now, when I told him what his brother said he seemed nonchalant about it, which upset me, his brother was drunk at the time, which to me, is completely non-excusable regardless. You are completely right though, this reflects on my boyfriend’s behalf, which has arose an argument between him and I, luckily he hardly spends time with his SIL and brother. He has talked to his SIL about what she said about him and she said that she, “Doesn’t remember saying any of that.” But yet, she claims to “remember” that I said I was going on “manipulate” him, lol. My boyfriend did tell me that I’d his SIL says anything else negative about me that he will shut her down. I think he’s writing his brothers comment off as drunk banter that his brother has likely forgotten. But I do talk about my discomfort with his SIL and brother and I’m doing my best to to hold all parties responsible, including my boyfriend as well.  

 

On 12/29/2020 at 10:24 PM, Pumaza said:

[Bunnycupcake]

On 12/29/2020 at 10:24 PM, Pumaza said:

Hmm....where is your bf in all of this?Ots his people,his side of family, he needs to be saying something.But you need to speak up tp.Dont get disrespected.Like talking about your private parts is very rude of her.

SIL may know your bf ways and hidtory.But still she is acting in a rude wild way.

This dont look worth your time.To much drama,and a guy who dont step up to protect you.

It was immediate drama immediately after meeting them for the first and only time ever, and my boyfriend has been confronted by me on this, however I have considered that she knows my boyfriends history too, but she seems to be a liar, however I do proceed with caution towards my boyfriend after his SIL has told me such things. 

[Bunnycupcake]

On 12/29/2020 at 5:12 PM, spiderowl said:

Wow, I feel for you!  I'm so sorry you are facing this dilemma.  Is your boyfriend aware of her malicious lies, even if he chooses not to engage with her over it?  He may just prefer to keep away from the woman.

I think much depends here on how your boyfriend perceives this woman.  If he thinks she is a troublemaker he chooses to avoid, then that's one thing - you can both do your best to avoid her.  If, however, he cannot see that she is lying or thinks it is not so bad, then I would suggest breaking up with him.  It is sad to have to do this but you need your boyfriend to understand the situation properly.  If he is not capable of seeing through this woman, then if you continue with him, you will get drawn into endless family dramas as this woman makes trouble for you and him.

It is a serious matter and I can understand why you are worried about what to do.  Of course, you can avoid her and refuse to go to family occasions where she is there, but if your boyfriend is half-believing her lies, then you are in for a miserable time.  From what you have said, he is not falling for her lies and just does not want conflict, in which case talk with him and decide on a course of action for dealing with this woman.  I recommend avoidance.

Finally, I would also check your security.  Check that this woman would not have a key to yours or your boyfriend's places, for example.  She is trouble and there is no point giving her unnecessary access into your lives.  Do not give her or her partner details of where you work or hang out.  I would also avoid rushing to her aid if she claims an emergency of some sort.  Your boyfriend can go if he wishes, but do not allow her to use any excuse to corner you.  She sounds potentially dangerous as well as obnoxious.

Thank you so much for empathy, I really appreciate that! What’s odd is that I don’t know where he stands with her. He hasn’t been close to his SIL and brother near eight years up until this year due to him living in another state. So I know that his closeness with her isn’t extreme, however, due to her being married into his family for so long, he seems to show loyalty towards her because of the time aspect. He has said that he will stick up for me and shut her down immediately if she says anything negative about me, which I hope she doesn’t because she doesn’t know me, lol. But he made a comment recently saying, “If you ever like _________, you’ll see that she’s really good at skating.” Because I skate he seemed to have wanted her and I to come to peace of some sort, I personally cannot trust her due to her lie about me and what I’ve heard about her, so I doubt that’ll happen, but I didn’t want to upset him by saying something negative about her. He is a very good boyfriend to me— but in all honesty, I think he turns a blind eye to her toxicity, he even understood her point of view when she fought with his mom about the bookshelf his mom bought her daughter. Frankly, I think she’s evidently toxic, but I also think he refuses to accept that about her, and instead justifies her absurdities. 

[Bunnycupcake]

On 12/29/2020 at 2:43 PM, Watercolors said:

Exactly. Families are loyal and if they don’t like an outsider, they will get rid of that person. Or if they can’t, they will go out of their way to make that personal miserable. OP, you need to tell your boyfriend that either he gets involved here and tells his family to back off and accept you, or your other choice is to just break up with him and try to find another boyfriend whose family you don’t have to walk on eggshells around because they like you and accept you and respect you. Your current boyfriend’s family definitely doesn’t like you or respect you. And that’s just not going to change. 

That is true, if she made up a reason to ostracize me, she just doesn’t like me. And I should tell my boyfriend that he should at the least stick up for me and tell her that she should respect me. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Bunnycupcake said:

We have been dating for seven months now, when I told him what his brother said he seemed nonchalant about it, which upset me,

Ok, 28 weeks dating is a good time to observe these things and decide if he (and his people) are a good fit for you and what you want in a relationship.

If you are already sensing disrespect,it may be time to reflect on your feeling about that.

You sound quite level headed trust your instincts and judgement.

Edited January 1, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Bunnycupcake]

On 12/29/2020 at 7:44 AM, stillafool said:

You don't have to deal with his SIL at all.  Just stay away from her and when you do run into her and she's rude to you, put her in her place and keep it moving.  Be cheerful with others around her to let her know she can't affect your mood.  This is the only way to handle her since your boyfriend is too much of a coward to defend you or break up with him and find a guy who's family you like.

Thank you, I don’t ever really come under the circumstance of seeing her unless it’s a holiday, but she seems to avoid me, so I think I’ll just carry on and do my best to not let her lack of approval drag me down. 

[Bunnycupcake]

On 12/29/2020 at 1:07 PM, Watercolors said:

To add to what Wiseman’s advised with his questions and statements, when you date someone, you inherit their family members for good or bad. 

This isn’t just about this toxic woman. This is about your boyfriend too. His SIL is not going anywhere. She is part of your boyfriend’s family. If his family doesn’t like you, they will do everything as a team to sabotage your relationship with your boyfriend. I’ve had this happen to me with previous boyfriends’ whose family members didn’t like me, and I’ve seen this happen to various friends’ from their partner’s families. 

So, instead of focusing on how evil the SIL is, your focus should be on your boyfriend’s role in all of this. Why does he allow his family to treat you this way? Why doesn’t he stand up for you? Have you talked to him already and what has he said? 

The easiest solution: break up with him. If you’re incompatible with your partner’s family, which it definitely seems like you are in your case, then there is literally nothing you can do to change their low opinion of you. 

This is true, I had to talk to my boyfriend about why he let her say such a thing about me, I found it interesting how she said that I said I manipulate him when I have fine everything I can to help him, including getting him a job at my work— I feel like she might have just wanted to create a wedge, but I still can’t fully figure out why. It doesn’t matter though, he should have completely stuck up for me when she decided to ostracize me and speak lies about me, AFTER I talked to him, he said he would shut her down. I don’t like the fact that him sticking up for me didn’t come naturally and that I feel I’m pushing him to stick up for me instead. 

[d0nnivain]

I think she's a toxic mess & threatened by you based on her husband's inappropriate comments.  It won't get better