Did I do the right thing when my relationship ended?

[jessiewilliams]

I had a s***ty end to a 1.5 year relationship while back. He started avoiding all sorts of spending time with me, and it really affected my mental health for a period. I was kept hanging for weeks whilst he had to 'decide' if he wanted to continue the relationship and try to make things work. To make things worse, we had just moved into a rented house together (with a few other friends) for our final year at uni. I was devastated for months and worried that it was going to affect my university work.

When the Xmas holiday came around, I used that time to really focus on 'getting over' him, and it worked as I felt a lot more stable when I went back. Two months passed and we didn't see each other much at uni as we both had lectures at different times etc so it didn't work too badly. I started to move on and ended-up meeting someone fairly soon after, (completely unplanned and unexpected!) which led to dating then a relationship. I was so much happier, although he was often worried as I was living with my ex still. When the time was right, I told my ex (out of politeness) that I was seeing someone as he would have only heard an exaggerated version from our mutual friends. This weirdly seemed to affect him slightly, and he suddenly got quite awkward around me.

As the months went by, I started to invite my new boyfriend into the house (but ONLY when my ex had gone back to his hometown) and he met a couple of my friends. I would obviously never bring him round when my ex was there as that would be awkward for everyone. Eventually my ex found out from friends that they had met my new bf and he had been round to the house afew times, and he was angry at me for this saying it was selfish. He also made some nasty comments towards me when it came to moving out the house (it needed a full clean else we would get charged) at the end of the year - like saying that I was bringing 'boys' round so I should be clearing-out the house more than he should.

It confused me as to why he suddenly turned so bitter, as I literally was so happy with him and desperate to not end things - it was him who was so determined to end the relationship and it was not done in a nice way. (I wont go into the details but I was really not treated well for weeks). I was desperate to do absolutely anything to make things work even though he had treated me quite badly during the breakup. So why wasn't he happy for me that I was moving on and finally happy again? Did he want me to be sat in a negative mental state for the rest of my life and never move on? (Also to add in, I started seeing my new BF approx 5 months after the break-up with my ex).

I am still with my new BF now and am extremely happy, but a small part of me feels 'guilty' and 'angry' that my ex kicked-up so much of a fuss about things when we were moving out. Was it wrong for me to bring my new BF round to the house whilst my ex was at home? (Bare in mind my ex would go home for weeks at a time as lots of uni lectures were online). What would you have done in my very sticky situation?

Thank you for any advice :')

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, he just had a bruised ego and didn't like another guy in his house. It has more to do with his inflated sense of self-importance than feelings for you. 

I will say it's rather awkward to be bringing new partners home when your ex lives there, and I personally probably wouldn't have seriously dated anyone until ex and I were no longer living together. It's just too messy. However, what's done is done and I gather you're not living together anymore, so water under the bridge.

I am curious why this is still bothering you now, months later? Are you in any sort of contact with your ex? 

[jessiewilliams]

I guess the reason I have been thinking about it is because I never really fully had ‘closure’ from the relationship and never fully understood what I had done wrong! I get that sometimes there’s no reason really for a relationship to end, but I still feel that I’ve got a lot of the ‘negative’ stick from the relationship blamed on me. We are not in contact at all and I don’t plan to have contact! I am probably just still mad about it all as I was dragged along for so long towards the end of the relationship and really not treated nicely. 
Yes I definitely didn’t plan on finding someone so soon, it just happened completely unexpectedly and naturally - I became a lot happier so I didn’t want to just say no to that!

[maggiemtn]

I would just focus on your new relationship. I know what it’s like to hold a grudge but sometimes you have to step back and see what role you played in it. When you say you were strung along and not treated very nicely, it’s understandable to be mad. But also ask yourself why you settled for that treatment. It’s not about blame but rather just coming to terms with “it is what it is.”
 

I think I truly hated my ex for years. He was horrible during our breakup. I’ll never forget being so devastated over our breakup and having to haul a dresser to the dumpster by myself after he just left it in the middle of an apartment I paid for after I let him stay there for months until the lease ended and I went back to my parents’. I was so hung up on how terrible he treated me that I didn’t see how terrible I let myself be treated. It was only after I forgave him in my heart, I mean truly forgave him, that I let all that go. It stopped eating me up and affecting my life. It took years. But I was able to finally do it. And like a month later he emailed after three years of us not speaking, to apologize to the ends of the earth. Not to get back together but to simply apologize. It was weird timing, but I was super thankful it happened and I was able to tell him it’s okay, I forgive you. 
 

Focus on you and your happiness, and in time you won’t be angry anymore. Congrats on your better relationship! Don’t let an old one get in the way. 

[jessiewilliams]

That is awful! I am glad you were able to get through it eventually. I think you’re so right - it’s just the “I can’t believe he treated me like that” and “I can’t believe I let him treat me like that” that I’m so mad about still! Now I am being treated soooo much better and it has just made me realise I guess how wrong it was before. Thanks so much

[maggiemtn]

3 hours ago, jessiewilliams said:

That is awful! I am glad you were able to get through it eventually. I think you’re so right - it’s just the “I can’t believe he treated me like that” and “I can’t believe I let him treat me like that” that I’m so mad about still! Now I am being treated soooo much better and it has just made me realise I guess how wrong it was before. Thanks so much

You have a great mindset to be able to be aware of why you’re feeling the way you do. That’s key to healing. You’re gonna be fine!  

[Wiseman2]

You did the right thing moving out. As a paying roommate, you have every right to have a guest.

Your ex became abusive and controlling.

You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Enjoy your new relationship and don't look back. You dodged a bullet getting rid of that ex.

[ShyViolet]

I think it's unrealistic for you to expect your ex to be "happy" for you.  Some people just have a hard time dealing with breakups and the negative feelings that come along with it.  It was a very awkward situation that you were still roommates with your ex, and you're lucky that your new bf didn't have a problem with that.  Don't worry so much about how your ex was acting after he became your ex.... it really doesn't matter.  Just focus on your new relationship and moving forward.

[Watercolors]

18 hours ago, jessiewilliams said:

I guess the reason I have been thinking about it is because I never really fully had ‘closure’ from the relationship and never fully understood what I had done wrong! I get that sometimes there’s no reason really for a relationship to end, but I still feel that I’ve got a lot of the ‘negative’ stick from the relationship blamed on me. We are not in contact at all and I don’t plan to have contact! I am probably just still mad about it all as I was dragged along for so long towards the end of the relationship and really not treated nicely. 
Yes I definitely didn’t plan on finding someone so soon, it just happened completely unexpectedly and naturally - I became a lot happier so I didn’t want to just say no to that!

How long is your lease at this shared housing? Have you and your ex-boyfriend discussed living under the same roof with each other, especially when you are in a new relationship? That is an important conversation to have, b/c as you’ve already experienced, it’s quite awkward for you both to live with each other and no longer be in a romantic relationship together. 

Are you going to find a new place or is your ex-boyfriend going to move out? 

What do you mean you never had full closure? Do you mean that emotionally you are rebounding with your new boyfriend since you live with your ex-boyfriend? I could see that as being a realistic scenario. It would make sense anyway if that’s what’s happening. 

[jessiewilliams]

We are fully moved out now and it was only for a year so it ended a while ago now. We only had maybe 3-4 months living there where I was seeing my new BF. I guess I just often worry about it all still for some reason! We didn't really discuss it because we never thought it would happen - he did say he wanted to stay friends at the start, but I always said that would be so hard and awkward when we are in new relationships (for me at least).

To be honest at first me and my new BF were not sure if we were each other's rebounds as he ended his relationship recently too. So we just took it by the day and with time realised we actually really got along well and liked each other, so we just continued and it turned into a relationship.