Blindsided and in shock

[CM91]

Hello and thank you for reading. I really need to write about this to get it out because the pain I’m feeling at the moment is immeasurable...

Me and my partner have been together for nearing five years. We met through mutual friends and were very in love and she moved to be closer to me. April 2019 we committed to a mortgage and bought our first house together. This was a stressful time, as it required a lot of renovation. I began suffering during this time with depression, which wasn’t something I’d encountered before and she wasn’t able to cope. She ended it with me during the November and moved out to a mutual friends house where she ended up suffering great trauma. Following this, in the January 2020, she begged for me back, saying her life was awful without me and we reconciled. She was diagnosed with two quite severe mental disorders and I supported her through these and encouraged her therapy. We endured lockdown together and had some really lovely times - we didn’t argue, we barely bickered! She told me on several occasions how happy she was and how she wanted us to be together forever. We even had talks about having a commitment ceremony in the future so we could celebrate our love.  In the build up to Christmas this year, she bought me a few really thoughtful early gifts - including a little tree ornament honouring our first proper Christmas together in our house. We had a great morning opening gifts together - all her presents to me were thoughtful and lovely and I felt really secure and happy. She was originally going to spend Christmas with her parents but was insistent she wanted to spend it with me in our house. The day after Christmas rolls around and out of nowhere, in a complete blindside, she left me. I’m in real shock at the moment. I’m in complete agony, the pain is physically hurting me. I really am at a loss of what to do. I want more than anything in the world to just have our life back. She means the world to me and I could happily spend the rest of my life with her. I just don’t know what to do. Not only am I enduring the pain of this sudden loss, I’m fully aware that we’ve got a house on our hands that we’ll need to sell. I’ve invested a lot into the relationship, emotionally and financially and suddenly it’s gone and I can’t understand why. My anxiety is through the roof and I just honestly don’t know what to do with myself. Help. 

[trident_2020]

She sounds rather unstable and unpredictable. I doubt you've heard the last of her. Try to take it in stride and don't be so reactive to her mood swings and impulsive decisions.

From what you've written, this isn't over yet. Take a deep breath, sit back and try to relax while she figures herself out.

 

[CM91]

2 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

She sounds rather unstable and unpredictable. I doubt you've heard the last of her. Try to take it in stride and don't be so reactive to her mood swings and impulsive decisions.

From what you've written, this isn't over yet. Take a deep breath, sit back and try to relax while she figures herself out.

 

 
Thank you for your response Trident. 
 

Impulsive is certainly a word I’d use to describe her. It’s actually one of the symptoms of her mental health problems. 
 

Appreciate the advice. 

[FMW]

I agree that this almost certainly about her mental health issues and that she will be back around.

In the meantime, figure out how you need to handle things going forward.  Put your focus safeguarding your own financial and emotional well-being. 

[dramafreezone]

53 minutes ago, CM91 said:

 
Thank you for your response Trident. 
 

Impulsive is certainly a word I’d use to describe her. It’s actually one of the symptoms of her mental health problems. 
 

Appreciate the advice. 

Is she bipolar?  Sounds like it.

You can't let her illness drag you down.  There's no way you should consider getting back with her or marrying her until she has proven that she's stable for an extended period of time.  I think you got off lucky if you don't have any kids or if you're not bound by marriage.  It'd only get worse.

Move on.  You can support her from afar but it's not your job to babysit or care for her.

[CM91]

21 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Is she bipolar?  Sounds like it.

You can't let her illness drag you down.  There's no way you should consider getting back with her or marrying her until she has proven that she's stable for an extended period of time.  I think you got off lucky if you don't have any kids or if you're not bound by marriage.  It'd only get worse.

Move on.  You can support her from afar but it's not your job to babysit or care for her.

She’s BPD. She’s a lot more mentally stable than she was towards the beginning of the year but it’s still very up and down. She’s quite early into diagnosis and recovery 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, CM91 said:

Impulsive is certainly a word I’d use to describe her. It’s actually one of the symptoms of her mental health problems. 

Hi CM91

From your OP, it sounds like she's been living with her 2 diagnoses for less than a year. 

No doubt this situation has affected you quite severely, and it sounds as though you have been a very supportive partner throughout. I can also imagine how difficult it must have been for her to find out she has affected by two severe mental health issues. She too needs time to get used to it and all that comes with it.

I don't know whether it's any comfort, but most people with mental health or other issues can live perfectly normal lives with the right treatment.

Not sure where you live, but here is a link for an organisation in the UK that supports families or partners of mental health sufferers:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/

I guess you'll just need to look after yourself and your own health, be patient and bide your time.

 

Edited December 30, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[CM91]

10 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Hi CM91

From your OP, it sounds like she's been living with her 2 diagnoses for less than a year. 

No doubt this situation has affected you quite severely, and it sounds as though you have been a very supportive partner throughout. I can also imagine how difficult it must have been for her to find out she has affected by two severe mental health issues. She too needs time to get used to it and all that comes with it.

I don't know whether it's any comfort, but most people with mental health or other issues can live perfectly normal lives with the right treatment.

Not sure where you live, but here is a link for an organisation in the UK that supports families or partners of mental health sufferers:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/

I guess you'll just need to look after yourself and your own health, be patient and bide your time.

 

Thanks so much Emilie. That’s really helpful - appreciate your compassion.

[FudgeSwirl]

I am so sorry this happened to you, especially around the holidays.

Many mental disorders cause irrational decisions and actions that surprise even those that are used to that person with BPD being high up there on the list.   The reason she left may have more to do with her than her "poisoned" perception of your relationship.  It sounds like that because her mental disorders are relatively new that it is a matter of her being on the right medicine and having a good therapist.  As @Emilie Jolie mentioned, many people with mental disorders can live normal lives.  While many disorders are a lifetime battle, regulations and proper monitoring of medicine and having proper support make them not interfere with everyday life. 

I hope wherever she went is a safe place.  Just as she irrationally left, her disorder may cause her to come back into your life as if nothing happened or with a reason that sounds only normal to her while to others seems bizarre or not much of an excuse.  The most you could do is support her like you have been and ultimately decide if you want to wait around for her to stabilize.  In the meantime, take this time for yourself.  You're hurting and deserve to grieve and spend time doing things that will cheer you up.  

[dramafreezone]

26 minutes ago, CM91 said:

She’s BPD. She’s a lot more mentally stable than she was towards the beginning of the year but it’s still very up and down. She’s quite early into diagnosis and recovery 

Got it.  I understand that you love this person but they have to want to get better.  Until she does you'll keep going on this emotional roller coaster and it'll only get worse with children involved.  You can be there for her, but BPD, bipolar, doesn't matter, she's still responsible for getting better and it'll only happen she she's commited to it.  Make sure she is stable for a while before you think about marrying her.  You have to take care of yourself first, sounds selfish but it's the truth.

[ShyViolet]

She's left you not once, but twice now.  A relationship is not supposed to be a rollercoaster like this, it's not normal.  She sounds not mentally stable enough to be in a relationship.  Forget the idea of getting her back, just focus on getting yourself emotionally stable and recovering from the hurt of this.  This is not someone who you should be getting back together with.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, CM91 said:

She’s BPD. She’s a lot more mentally stable than she was towards the beginning of the year but it’s still very up and down. She’s quite early into diagnosis and recovery 

If you're emotionally attached to this woman, you're in for a world of hurt. Which appears to be exactly what you've discovered.

Suggest you bite the bullet and let her go AND if she comes back, don't take her back unless she's truly recovered. Otherwise you'll just be in for more of this the next time she "turns".

Look up the concepts of trauma-bonding and co-dependency. That may be part of what you have going on with her emotionally.

You may feel you love her, but I suspect at least part of that "love" is her wreaking havoc on your brain chemistry with her unpredictability. There are much safer LT partners out there than someone with BPD.

[Zona]

Having a partner with BPD can be tough in my experience (long term girlfriend in my youth). She had a crazy fear of abandonment, occasionally cut herself, started to abuse drugs, and just never could seem to get her emotions under control. Other times she was sweet and charming and fun to be with. That made for a lot of hurt and confusion.

I'm going to be completely honest with you. I know you love her, but think long and hard about if this is how to want to live your life if she wants to come back, and she probably will.

Sorry you are going through this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If you're emotionally attached to this woman, you're in for a world of hurt. Which appears to be exactly what you've discovered.

Exactly this. 

My ex was diagnosed BPD, and the roller coaster of highs and lows was intense. And the lows were sudden and very severe, leaving me reeling.  I eventually could not tolerate his behaviour anymore, and had to end it. Mind you, he refused to seek treatment of any kind and barely acknowledged he had received that diagnosis (twice, from two different psychiatrists) It just wasn't a future I wanted to sign on for. 

The thing about BPD is that it isn't someone usually "recovers" from - it's a often a lifelong process of management and treatment. Even if she does come back, which she well might, you need to ask yourself if you're really up for this.  This won't be the last time you will be blindsided by her, I can almost promise you that. 

But before we pin this all on her condition - what reason did she give for leaving you? 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, CM91 said:

.The day after Christmas rolls around and out of nowhere, in a complete blindside, she left me. 

, I’m fully aware that we’ve got a house on our hands that we’ll need to sell. 

Sorry this happened. Where is she staying? You co-own the house are both on the mortgage, so it seems she has steady employment?

You mentioned the word "commitment" a few times in your post.

Committed to a mortgage, commitment ceramony.

Was this her understanding of commitment? Financial obligations and ceremonies?

Well, you can point to her mental health as the main problem, but at some level you know it has to do with what did/didn't happen at Christmas.

5 years is a long time to be with someone. Someone who's had mental health issues all that while.

You mentioned your own struggling with depression and mental health, so how much does that figure into this equation?

For now focus on your own physical and mental wellbeing instead of hers.

[CM91]

Thanks so much for your advice and support guys. I really appreciate it. Glad I stumbled across this forum.

I think myself I may have made a huge error in downplaying the bpd side of her personality. Perhaps an element of denial, from both parties. Regardless of what happens between us, I think I need to seek a better understanding of the illness and undertake some therapy myself to realise her impulsive behaviour and black/white views to our relationship weren’t my fault.  

We’ve had a conversation since and her reasoning for leaving seems to be that she’s struggling to communicate her worries to me, in fear of upsetting me, so let’s them build until she can’t cope anymore and just leaves. 
 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Where is she staying? You co-own the house are both on the mortgage, so it seems she has steady employment?

You mentioned the word "commitment" a few times in your post.

Committed to a mortgage, commitment ceramony.

Was this her understanding of commitment?

She’s staying with an old friend back in her hometown. Thankfully somebody more stable than last time but still someone she has a complicated emotional relationship with. Someone I feel like she escapes to when she regresses back to her past behaviour. 
 

She is in steady employment, however since we’ve been together she’s had several different employers. She was very quick to find somewhere new at the slightest sniff of stress or trouble in the workplace. 
 

I think she seeks this sort of “commitment” due to the instability of her past. She’s been through quite a lot of trauma and very toxic situations.

[Emilie Jolie]

There are a lot of elements in the story that suggest the leaving probably wasn't a blindside in that it's been 2 years of a lot of changes for the 2 of you, as a couple and individually. Some things might be attributable to her diagnoses and how she deals with stuff, and it is difficult to help someone through depression when you're not feeling great yourself, but she also seems to have had a traumatic past and yeah as you say the communication issues are on both sides. 

13 minutes ago, CM91 said:

she’s struggling to communicate her worries to me, in fear of upsetting me, so let’s them build until she can’t cope anymore and just leaves. 

That's a problem for a lot of people though, even those who don't have mental health issues. 

A disorder is only one part of someone's personality; it doesn't define them and it's not beneficial to judge all their reactions through that lens.

Miscommunication problems happen all the time in any couple; with good intentions, understanding, calmness, patience and a lot of care, a lot of them (not all) can be overcome.

Hope you guys can find a way to communicate better with each other 🙂.

[CM91]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

There are a lot of elements in the story that suggest the leaving probably wasn't a blindside in that it's been 2 years of a lot of changes for the 2 of you, as a couple and individually. Some things might be attributable to her diagnoses and how she deals with stuff, and it is difficult to help someone through depression when you're not feeling great yourself, but she also seems to have had a traumatic past and yeah as you say the communication issues are on both sides. 

That's a problem for a lot of people though, even those who don't have mental health issues. 

A disorder is only one part of someone's personality; it doesn't define them and it's not beneficial to judge all their reactions through that lens.

Miscommunication problems happen all the time in any couple; with good intentions, understanding, calmness, patience and a lot of care, a lot of them (not all) can be overcome.

Hope you guys can find a way to communicate better with each other 🙂.

I think you’re right, what you’ve said has definitely hit home. I felt very blindsided and in a way, I definitely was. However the last two years have been chaotic and including the bad management of her symptoms (from both parties) and the lack of communication, I think I’m starting to understand the build up to this situation. 
 

I’m going to sit down and have a very honest conversation with her. No ultimatums and (hopefully) no rash decisions. Just give us both some space and time to fingers crossed, repair a bad situation. 
 

Thanks so much to everyone for your help and advice   I’ve found it really helpful and productive. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, CM91 said:

We’ve had a conversation since and her reasoning for leaving seems to be that she’s struggling to communicate her worries to me, in fear of upsetting me, so let’s them build until she can’t cope anymore and just leaves. 

And what are those worries, exactly? 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'd say you facing one of the hardest dilemmas for a love partner to face: being brutally honest about the mental health of someone you have become attached to.

Her leaving is probably good for you. You need to really face up to the truth that if she has trauma issues, YOU my friend cannot solve them. You cannot love the trauma out of her. You can not magically take it away. And that trauma can result in her not being there for you.

I'm not saying she can't be a good partner at some point. But clearly she is feeling overwhelmed, so she left. I agree with the others: you'll hear from her. This ain't done.

I really recommend you check your own attachment. Sounds like you attached to her without any caution or hesitation. Dude, her mental health issues DEMAND that you make room for them and the reality that she is going to be inconsistent for a while--at the minimum.

At the risk of sounding foolish, I would say she did you a favor. She's forcing you to stop and think, which you were not doing on your own. BTW: I say this as someone who's had my share of depression and as someone who has a number of friends and family members with trauma and various mental health conditions. There is nothing "cute" about these conditions. If not treated aggressively and smartly, these conditions can and do undermine any basis for a relationship. 

Sounds as well like you've got your own issue of depression to deal with. Are you on top of that? 

She'll be back. I'll suggest you think seriously about the challenge of being with her. There is no reason to rush to commitment or marriage.