Thnenr9 Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 I have been reading some of the topics here and was thinking to find some advice here. My exAP is a woman in a longterm relationship with another woman. I am a woman too. We met at work and soon became friends with her. She has been flirting heavily with me almost from the start, which i rejected for a looong time because i didn’t want to be a bandaid for her struggles in the relationship and i considered myself straight. Rationally i always knew it would end badly for me, but i caved in when we we’re out drinking and i was tired of rejecting and at the same time i felt the excitement. I am not proud of this at all, i am not a fan of cheating and was always convinced that if you have a bad relationship you should break it off before acting on lust. However, i caved and the more time we spend together the feelings started to grow. It has been going on for almost 2 years now and although she has been talking about a future together she decided to stay in her relationship. I understood her choice, but ofcourse hurt and i wished her good luck. I went into NC as i felt i needed some time off, get rid of the well known addiction. She wasn’t happy with that, but as i told her, this is about me reflecting on myself and my actions and at the same time giving her the chance to go for her relationship. The day after my decision of NC (which i explained to her and she agreed on) she texted me already. Explained again that i wouldn’t answer on her messages from now on. Few days later she drunk dialed me 3 times (i didn’t pick up) and it kept quiet. This week she texted me if we we’re never going to talk again and i explained again why i needed time away from her. She wants to be friends and i kind off agreed but also told her i’m not sure how this would work. Yesterday she drunk dialed me again, didn’t pick up and she send me a message today that she was sorry she called me and that she almost screwed up hooking up with another woman and wanting to call me because she misses me and wanted to talk to me. I said i can’t be friends with her if she keeps doing this (it makes me a bit annoyed to be honest) and i don’t appreciate all the details about other women since we «broke up» because she wants to work on her relationship. I never broke up with someone (romantically or friendships) and this is even harder since i will be seeing her at work. The NC was really good for me and actually not even that hard. But i feel now as if she wants to keep me close as a back-up (she even said when i explained about the NC that we could still have a good time if we both wanted to). I’m not interested in going back in the affair as i wanted more from her than she can give me and i’m really confident i can deal with any temptation, but she doesn’t seem to want to let me go. I really don’t wish to be an a**h*** and block her or whatever, but i can’t see a friendship when she keeps trying to reel me in or talks about almost adventures with other women. Story became longer than i expected. Any hobby psychologists who can explain to me what she’s trying to do and how i should deal with this while still seeing her at work? Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 Do yourself a favor and put as much distance between you and her, both at work and otherwise. Don't answer anymore of her drunken communications either. Take care of yourself. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 2 hours ago, Thnenr9 said: Any hobby psychologists who can explain to me what she’s trying to do and how i should deal with this while still seeing her at work? My guess would be that she's trying to restart the affair and/or at least keep the emotional connection aspect going. Affair are sometimes a bit of an emotional band aid on an unhappy partnership (something you seem well aware of), so she's perhaps trying to keep that aspect going. I've heard the term "jealousy farming" and perhaps that's what she attempted to do with mention of this other lady. IMO HadMeOverABarrel's advice is good. "Staying friends" is probably at least as difficult as it would be with a normal relationship, if not even more so. Proceed with that at your own risk... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 Unfortunately, no contact is difficult if you work together. The best way not to get "reeled in", would be to fill voids in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thnenr9 Posted December 30, 2020 Author Share Posted December 30, 2020 Thanks for your comments so far. HadMeOverABarrel i haven’t been answering her drunken calls and am not planning too. During the affair i thought it was cute, but now i just think «really, why?!». marc clemson yes, i definitely feel she wants to keep me emotionally tied, like she can’t deal with me just walking away from it. Hven’t heard from «jealousy farming», but yes, she probably wants to have a reaction at that from me. Will try to ignore that. I think we could have a friendship at some point, as i don’t hate her and think she could be a good friend. But right now it feels forced because i’m obviously not ready for that now. Wiseman2 I won’t let my myself get reeled in for sure, i’m well aware of my needs at the time of the affair and it wasn’t healthy for me long-term. Wish i could just let it slide off me if she gets mad at me for setting up boundries. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Thnenr9 said: I really don’t wish to be an a**h*** and block her or whatever, but i can’t see a friendship when she keeps trying to reel me in or talks about almost adventures with other women. Why not? She's A**h*** Numero Uno here. Cheats on her partner, doesn't respect your wishes to not communicate, tries to make you jealous. She doesn't give a crap about your feelings, so why are you trying to preserve hers? I would block her from personal contact. Be civil and professional at work. You will never fully move on if you continue to give this player access to you. Edited December 30, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thnenr9 Posted December 30, 2020 Author Share Posted December 30, 2020 ExpatInItay i know i shouldn’t care as ultimately it is how you say it, she doesn’t seem to care about my feelings. But it’s a bit comforting to know she still wants me in her life at some degree. But yes, that’s also why i couldn’t continue, as i wanted more than she wanted/could give me. This feels like i care more about her feelings than she cares about mine. Will try to keep it strictly business as i feel i’m not ready for that kind of contact right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 9 hours ago, Thnenr9 said: i considered myself straight. Were you in a heterosexual relationship before this ? Did this situation open things up for you in that regard? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thnenr9 Posted December 30, 2020 Author Share Posted December 30, 2020 51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Were you in a heterosexual relationship before this ? Did this situation open things up for you in that regard? No, i never actually had a relationship before this. I have dated men, but it never lasted long (focused on work mostly and worked abroad several times in my career and moved every other year so was never ready to build something either). I considered myself straight as i never felt a romantical interest in women. It didnt really change something, i guess i was tempted to experiment a bit when the opportunity was there. I guess i messed up ending up in this situation 😅 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 50 minutes ago, Thnenr9 said: , i guess i was tempted to experiment a bit when the opportunity was there. Ok, that may explain why you got into this situation, particularly with an unavailable individual. No possibly of becoming a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 Probably would be a good idea for you to do some introspection in regards to your sexual preference. My wife and I have good friends who left their husbands to be together, causing a lot of pain. My impression is that they were in denial about their sexuality. If you can sort that out, I think it would help you in your future relationships. And you need to go no contact with your AP. Don't worry about hurting her feelings, and trying to be "friends" would likely be impossible because of the fact that you were in a LT romantic relationship with her. NC = no new hurts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BourneWicked Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 I agree with NC. It took me 4 years (count 'em 4!) with multiple 'breakups' (or whatever they were). Finally I used a not so nice threat - If you ever contact me again, I will contact your wife. Amazing what that does for a married guy. It's almost like she's his priority or something. (...) So maybe whatever that looks like for you: contact me again, I'll reach out to your girlfriend. Or the HR department. Or whatever it takes. Similar to you, I wanted more. I really cared about this person, and I wanted it all. It took me a very long time to realize I was following a trail of crumbs and there wasn't even a flipping gingerbread house at the end of it. I haven't really moved on yet, but it's getting better. My life feels authentic. I don't feel like I'm hiding secrets from people anymore - or that the person I felt the closest to, the person who /was/ my person for a long time, just reaches out when it's convenient for them, and treats me like a dirty secret. Someday I will have a best friend again, someone who is 'my person'; and whether there is sex involved or not, it will be real, in the open, and we will both tell everyone we know how awesome our friend is. Because that's what real friends (and real couples) do. I've read the phrase "bandaid" and "emotional tampon" and both are great ways of thinking of this. The AP's life isn't perfect - no one's is - but do they really want you, or do they just want to use you to heal their own wounds? Based on what you've said, it's more the using and discarding when it's convenient for her. Semi-related, I was just reading about Ellen Page/Elliot Page, and his wife, and thought that story might interest you. Aside from coming out as gay, he also found he was actually transgender. The part that spoke to me the most was how in love he is with his wife, and how he tells everyone what a great person she is. You don't deserve to be anyone's late night drunk dial. Maybe, something from your past makes you think that's what you deserve. But you deserve to be someone's number one, first phone call for everything great and awful in life. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, Thnenr9 said: ExpatInItay i know i shouldn’t care as ultimately it is how you say it, she doesn’t seem to care about my feelings. But it’s a bit comforting to know she still wants me in her life at some degree. But yes, that’s also why i couldn’t continue, as i wanted more than she wanted/could give me. This feels like i care more about her feelings than she cares about mine. Will try to keep it strictly business as i feel i’m not ready for that kind of contact right now. 17 hours ago, Thnenr9 said: No, i never actually had a relationship before this. I have dated men, but it never lasted long (focused on work mostly and worked abroad several times in my career and moved every other year so was never ready to build something either). I considered myself straight as i never felt a romantical interest in women. It didnt really change something, i guess i was tempted to experiment a bit when the opportunity was there. I guess i messed up ending up in this situation 😅 I have a friend (male) who broke up with his girlfriend. Several months later she started a relationship with a woman. That relationship lasted about 2 years then her and my friend got back together and ultimately married and have been happy the last 20ish years. She said her relationship with the woman was great, the sex was decent but she always felt something was missing. Most women are in the middle of the Kinsey scale meaning female sexuality is fairly fluid. I wouldn’t worry too much about putting a label on what you are. You love who you love. With this woman....topical cheater. Ultimately she wants both. She won't respect your boundaries because you continue to allow her a little bit of light. She likely believes she can get you to cave....I mean that has been the dynamic of this relationship, right? Her pushing and you giving in. Its all part of the game. Edited December 31, 2020 by DKT3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thnenr9 Posted December 31, 2020 Author Share Posted December 31, 2020 @ZonaOfcourse that’s sad with your friends and the pain it caused. But would it have been different if they both left for a man? It’s not a big issue for me. More like @DKT3 said, i don’t label myself as anything, i love who i love. No new hurts sounds good though @BourneWicked thank you for your story, the secret thing was always a burden for me. And it feels like you wrote, using and discarding when it’s convenient for her. I don’t think i would go so far as threaten with telling the spouse. Like @DKT3 said, this reminds me of the dynamic we had from the start. Pushing and caving in. That’s what makes it so hard, as i never have been good at cutting people out of my life. Friendships always faded out naturally and there were no hard feelings. As here i guess i’m a bit afraid that she will hold a grudge Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 12 hours ago, Thnenr9 said: @ZonaOfcourse that’s sad with your friends and the pain it caused. But would it have been different if they both left for a man? It’s not a big issue for me. More like @DKT3 said, i don’t label myself as anything, i love who i love. Not that it matters, but you are obviously bisexual. There definitely are studies that show that women's sexuality is less hard wired than mens. Regardless, your AP sounds like bad news, and you may be suffering from limerence. Limerence is common in unstable relationships. The only way to get over limerence is NC. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 21 hours ago, Thnenr9 said: As here i guess i’m a bit afraid that she will hold a grudge I would not worry about this. I don't think this woman would be anywhere near the wonderful friend you imagine her to be. She's shown you very clearly she puts her needs and desires above anything else, and doesn't really care who she might hurt along the way. That isn't the character of someone who would make a good friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thnenr9 Posted January 3, 2021 Author Share Posted January 3, 2021 On 12/30/2020 at 12:20 PM, Wiseman2 said: Ok, that may explain why you got into this situation, particularly with an unavailable individual. No possibly of becoming a relationship. I missed ur post before. I know that that was probably one the reasons why it started, «safe» experimenting in som screwed up way. But i became attached too much. On 1/1/2021 at 2:01 PM, ExpatInItaly said: I would not worry about this. I don't think this woman would be anywhere near the wonderful friend you imagine her to be. She's shown you very clearly she puts her needs and desires above anything else, and doesn't really care who she might hurt along the way. That isn't the character of someone who would make a good friend. Its becoming clearer and clearer yes. Her talking about wanting to be friends, but when i don’t react the way she wants (she expects a seemless transition from AP to friends «i guess to have an easy way into the affair again» but i want to set boundries and have a rational talk about how that would look like) she get’s all grumpy that she doesnt want to be friends with this negative atmosphere. Well, now it’s about me and what i want. Friendship, sure, i don’t hate her, but on my terms. Although i don’t think a forced friendship like this would work, so i guess it will fade out in the end anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 I dont think she was ever really your friend...you were prey. As you said, from the beginning she has always flirted with you heavily. At that point it was unwanted. What friend does that? No no, this is and always has been a game for her. Either accept that and carry on, or end it all and move on. Because remaining friends will lead back to sex...that is a toxic situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thnenr9 Posted January 4, 2021 Author Share Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, DKT3 said: I dont think she was ever really your friend...you were prey. As you said, from the beginning she has always flirted with you heavily. At that point it was unwanted. What friend does that? No no, this is and always has been a game for her. Either accept that and carry on, or end it all and move on. Because remaining friends will lead back to sex...that is a toxic situation. She does like «the game». But i won’t have sex with her anymore. The thing i’m struggling most with is the emotional impact she still has on me. I was quite tough mentally before i got in this affair, and it annoys me that i’m still so easily affected from her opinion of me. I want to get out of that spell and be my own self again... Edited January 4, 2021 by Thnenr9 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 You have to accept that she is not good for you and that she adds a toxic element. Once you get there it will be "easier" to take the necessary steps. Right now, I believe your problem is you want to maintain some kind of relationship with her. Its simply not possible Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 6 hours ago, Thnenr9 said: I missed ur post before. I know that that was probably one the reasons why it started, «safe» experimenting in som screwed up way. But i became attached too much. What you could do is reach out to the LGBTQ community for support and advice. You could also start dating women As far as married people go, it's a no-win situation usually leaving you with a lot of headaches and heartaches. Explore your sexuality and relationships with people who add value to your life, rather than frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Thnenr9 said: Well, now it’s about me and what i want. Friendship, sure, i don’t hate her, but on my terms. Maybe one of you could start doing right by this woman's partner, and not entertain the idea of being friends either. How would you feel if you found out your partner kept her mistress around to be "friends" after the affair was over? Having the affair was wrong, but it happened. Perhaps now would be good time to re-set your moral compass and do the right thing. Edited January 4, 2021 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
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