How often should you talk?

[ElizaR]

I have been talking to someone from my past like 15yrs ago past. It's been going on about 4 months we care about each other always have but I wouldn't say it's serious. We haven't seen each other yet because we now live 3000 miles away. His family is here and he says he wants to move back this summer sometime. He says mainly for me. We have said things like love you but not talked in detail about what this is we are doing. We just know feelings are strong.

That being said I try and not overthink which is my worst issue. But I want to talk everyday and if we don't I question is he mad etc. I don't want to seem pushy, needy or any of those things so I leave it alone. He thinks going 2 to 4 days without talking is fine. He once told me he thinks about talking to me but just not constantly. So I took a step back, and let him message me which he does don't get me wrong it's not one sided. I just have to fight not to everyday while I think it's not on his mind constantly. 

How often should you talk with long distance? I don't want it to dwindle but it's all very hard for me anyway because I can't stand not seeing him. How can we keep it where it doesn't fade away since it's just starting. The ldr part is not great. 

Edited December 30, 2020 by ElizaR

[Wiseman2]

Is he currently in a relationship? 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, ElizaR said:

I have been talking to someone from my past like 15yrs ago past. It's been going on about 4 months we care about each other always have but I wouldn't say it's serious. We haven't seen each other yet because we now live 3000 miles away. His family is here and he says he wants to move back this summer sometime. He says mainly for me. We have said things like love you

Just to clarify - is this someone you knew in person 15 years ago, or have you never met at all?

Either way, I would slow way down on talks of him moving for you and saying "I love you." You two are not a couple and don't know how well you would mesh today, in person, all these years later. It's premature to be talking about things like this and declaring love when you are not dating. He seems to know this on some level, since he isn't interested in communicating more frequently. 

For that very reason, I wouldn't take him seriously when he says he wants to move mainly for you. That sounds very nice but it's not based in reality. Not when you're not even talking every day.  

I would see what the next few months bring. See what he does when you're not nudging him to communicate with you. That will tell you what you need to know about his real interest level in you. 

[ElizaR]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Just to clarify - is this someone you knew in person 15 years ago, or have you never met at all?

Either way, I would slow way down on talks of him moving for you and saying "I love you." You two are not a couple and don't know how well you would mesh today, in person, all these years later. It's premature to be talking about things like this and declaring love when you are not dating. He seems to know this on some level, since he isn't interested in communicating more frequently. 

For that very reason, I wouldn't take him seriously when he says he wants to move mainly for you. That sounds very nice but it's not based in reality. Not when you're not even talking every day.  

I would see what the next few months bring. See what he does when you're not nudging him to communicate with you. That will tell you what you need to know about his real interest level in you. 

Yes we knew each other in real life. I was in a relationship for about 12yrs and haven't been out of it real long then I heard from him. 

His son just moved back in with him and he's been real stressed. He has been a bachelor for a long time now and I think he's so used to doing his own thing he doesn't think he needs to talk everyday. I did tell him one time that I want to be able to message when I want to and not think he is thinking I'm smothering him. So I will not text and let him. Just like we talked xmas eve and xmas day and he was very attentive and sweet. Now we haven't spoken since sunday and he was sick so I have left him alone. I text some first and then let him he usually does in a few days. I also told him if 2 people like each other it's not weird to want to talk to each other and I wasn't going to let him act like it was. He seemed to listen and was really good about texting until these past few days. 

We have always cared for each other. His dad and family lives here so he wants to move closer for that reason but I do think he wants to see me too. I also think he knows we are so far away and no chance of even seeing each other until summer at least that it's discouraging and hard to keep going. I feel the same it's so hard not seeing someone.

It's also possible lots of it is sexual. We have always have a lot of passion and just drawn to each other something kind of hard to explain.

Edited December 30, 2020 by ElizaR

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, ElizaR said:

I also told him if 2 people like each other it's not weird to want to talk to each other and I wasn't going to let him act like it was.

Do you genuinely believe he doesn't already know this?

Let him show you how much he likes you, rather than telling him what to do. And yes, you might realize he's not as into this as you hoped. He doesn't need to be told how to operate when he likes someone, bottom line. He knows what to do. If he's not doing it, you may need to concede that you like him more than he likes you.

I am curious what you say when you wonder if this is mostly sexual. If you haven't seen each other in 15 years, and thus haven't had sex (or at least not in 15 years), is a lot of the communication sexual?

[ElizaR]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he currently in a relationship? 

No I'm pretty positive he isn't. His son has just moved back home and he's really stressed. He is kind of a loner type and just used to being just him. I think that's where some of the problem lies. He never has anyone else to deal with and he doesn't know how really. I worry about him feeling smothered so I back off and let him get in touch. He can talk for days straight and be attentive and sweet then won't hear from him a few days. 

I have told him how I feel and don't want to not be able to text if I want without fear he will think something. He says he is ok with it but I'm not going to. He also basically has said he thinks about texting me just not constantly. He went on one day when we argued a little how he really likes me but isn't a teen that has to text 500 times in a day.  Which is stupid. 

[ElizaR]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you genuinely believe he doesn't already know this?

Let him show you how much he likes you, rather than telling him what to do. And yes, you might realize he's not as into this as you hoped. He doesn't need to be told how to operate when he likes someone, bottom line. He knows what to do. If he's not doing it, you may need to concede that you like him more than he likes you.

I am curious what you say when you wonder if this is mostly sexual. If you haven't seen each other in 15 years, and thus haven't had sex (or at least not in 15 years), is a lot of the communication sexual?

We have had sex but it's been a long time. There is just a lot of attraction there always has been. Yes we do communicate sexually a good bit but honestly I start it up a big percent of the time. It's like I can't not. We stopped talking in oct for about a month and he reached back out to me.

It could be that I like him more than me. When we do talk he seems very in to me. But like I said he doesn't feel the need to talk all the time he even once called me high maintenance because of it that's when I told him it wasn't weird to want to talk to people you like.

He told me he wasn't a teen that had to text 500 times a day. Which I don't I have a life he was just being ridiculous 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, ElizaR said:

he even once called me high maintenance because of it that's when I told him it wasn't weird to want to talk to people you like.

That was your cue to really lower your expectations. 

I would take a step back here. You don't even now if he's moving to your area again, as that sounded quite tentative. I would not make yourself so readily available to be his texting buddy. 

 

[ElizaR]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That was your cue to really lower your expectations. 

I would take a step back here. You don't even now if he's moving to your area again, as that sounded quite tentative. I would not make yourself so readily available to be his texting buddy. 

 

You are right. I think he hasn't been in a relationship in so long that he also thinks anything is high maintenance, smothering etc. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, ElizaR said:

You are right. I think he hasn't been in a relationship in so long that he also thinks anything is high maintenance, smothering etc. 

That should tell you that he's not boyfriend material. 

He doesn't like daily contact, and that's prerogative. It just means he's not the guy for you. If he were crazy about you and had serious intentions, you wouldn't be telling him how people who like each other behave. He'd be gladly showing you all on his own. 

I think he doesn't really care whether or not you two remain in close touch until he possibly moves. That tells you everything you need to know. You're already too attached. 

[ElizaR]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That should tell you that he's not boyfriend material. 

He doesn't like daily contact, and that's prerogative. It just means he's not the guy for you. If he were crazy about you and had serious intentions, you wouldn't be telling him how people who like each other behave. He'd be gladly showing you all on his own. 

I think he doesn't really care whether or not you two remain in close touch until he possibly moves. That tells you everything you need to know. You're already too attached. 

I agree your right. I even feel it's kinda not worth it without him living here to know. Everytime I feel like this he reaches out, acts like nothing, and is super sweet and acts in to me. I need to just either stop or know it's casual and not overthink every little thing. 

[Emilie Jolie]

It's not because he's not smothering you with phone calls or texts that he views this as casual; you don't know this for sure anyway.

You can have very serious intentions and not want to communicate everyday, I think.

44 minutes ago, ElizaR said:

He went on one day when we argued a little how he really likes me but isn't a teen that has to text 500 times in a day.

He has a point.

I'd consider the bolded. You have had a connection that stood the test of time, you'll hopefully get to see each other before the end of 2021 - yes, it's a pain but so are a lot of things at the moment -  so what's a few more months when you've not seen each other in 15 years anyway? Maybe he's more of an in-person kind of guy?

He's told you his communication style. I may be missing something, but I don't view this as such a big deal or a sign of disinterest.

You know him and yourself best, though; if it's an issue to you and the waiting is unbearable, you need to take yourself out of the equation and find someone who will match your need for everyday communication, I guess.

[ElizaR]

2 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

It's not because he's not smothering you with phone calls or texts that he views this as casual; you don't know this for sure anyway.

You can have very serious intentions and not want to communicate everyday, I think.

He has a point.

I'd consider the bolded. You have had a connection that stood the test of time, you'll hopefully get to see each other before the end of 2021 - yes, it's a pain but so are a lot of things at the moment -  so what's a few more months when you've not seen each other in 15 years anyway? Maybe he's more of an in-person kind of guy?

He's told you his communication style. I may be missing something, but I don't view this as such a big deal or a sign of disinterest.

You know him and yourself best, though; if it's an issue to you and the waiting is unbearable, you need to take yourself out of the equation and find someone who will match your need for everyday communication, I guess.

He actually told me once we both know this isn't casual. I do believe he likes me, I don't think everything he has said is a lie. I'm a huge overthinking we can talk and everything is great. Then he goes days without speaking like its going on 3 days now and I think the worst. Then he will reach out and he seems fine and acts as always. 

He is very stressed his 23yr old son has moved back in suddenly and it's thrown him for a loop. He told me of his plans to move closer to home at least from the beginning his family is here and he's been gone 7yrs. So hopefully it will happen and we see each other again. 

[basil67]

It's time to stop raising the issue with him.  From what I understand, you've discussed this multiple times and he hasn't changed - so any further discussion is simply pointless.  Further discussion on your part will only be interpreted by him as being both needy and demanding.

Truth is, you both have different needs and neither of you is wrong.  Neither of you should be pushed to change how you would like this long distance relationship to be.   As you are the one who is unhappy with how the relationship is functioning, it's now decision time for you.   Look at the information you have and decide whether you can accept it as is without getting bothered or if it would be more emotionally healthy for you to walk away. 

[ElizaR]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's time to stop raising the issue with him.  From what I understand, you've discussed this multiple times and he hasn't changed - so any further discussion is simply pointless.  Further discussion on your part will only be interpreted by him as being both needy and demanding.

Truth is, you both have different needs and neither of you is wrong.  Neither of you should be pushed to change how you would like this long distance relationship to be.   As you are the one who is unhappy with how the relationship is functioning, it's now decision time for you.   Look at the information you have and decide whether you can accept it as is without getting bothered or if it would be more emotionally healthy for you to walk away. 

I have actually only brought it up to him the one time. I don't say much because I don't want to come across as needy. So guess we will just see I'm not in the position for a real serious bf right now anyway not one that I'm seeing all the time so I'm not looking. I wasn't looking when he came along. I think with our history the feelings just came back easy.

[Alpacalia]

I asked a similar question not too long ago because I felt we were talking too much initially before having met in person and before having spent any time together in person and I wanted to avoid a build up of any false expectations.

Plus, I am someone that does not need to talk every single day, at least not initially.

Do you both have plans to meet any time soon?

[ElizaR]

36 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I asked a similar question not too long ago because I felt we were talking too much initially before having met in person and before having spent any time together in person and I wanted to avoid a build up of any false expectations.

Plus, I am someone that does not need to talk every single day, at least not initially.

Do you both have plans to meet any time soon?

I feel like at first he was all over me which kind of made me feel like it was to much now the tables have turned.

We live about 3000 miles away from each other so one of us would have to fly, driving would take a few days. He is from where I live his dad and family are here. So he has talked a lot about moving back or at least just a few hrs away. He is thinking maybe sometime this summer. So still a while away. I know he wants to see me but I'm sure the talking will be less by then but hopefully we keep in touch until we see each other.

Did you two ever meet?

[Alpacalia]

22 minutes ago, ElizaR said:

I feel like at first he was all over me which kind of made me feel like it was to much now the tables have turned.

We live about 3000 miles away from each other so one of us would have to fly, driving would take a few days. He is from where I live his dad and family are here. So he has talked a lot about moving back or at least just a few hrs away. He is thinking maybe sometime this summer. So still a while away. I know he wants to see me but I'm sure the talking will be less by then but hopefully we keep in touch until we see each other.

Did you two ever meet?

Yes the funny thing is, he was my first serious boyfriend and we went out for like 2-3 years when we were younger.

[ElizaR]

8 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes the funny thing is, he was my first serious boyfriend and we went out for like 2-3 years when we were younger.

Crazy when someone from the past pops back up. I went straight from him to the guy I was with 12yrs which is why we never had contact. 

[Commongoal123]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Just to clarify - is this someone you knew in person 15 years ago, or have you never met at all?

Either way, I would slow way down on talks of him moving for you and saying "I love you." You two are not a couple and don't know how well you would mesh today, in person, all these years later. It's premature to be talking about things like this and declaring love when you are not dating. He seems to know this on some level, since he isn't interested in communicating more frequently. 

For that very reason, I wouldn't take him seriously when he says he wants to move mainly for you. That sounds very nice but it's not based in reality. Not when you're not even talking every day.  

I would see what the next few months bring. See what he does when you're not nudging him to communicate with you. That will tell you what you need to know about his real interest level in you. 

This OP.  And I'll add that for him yo move across the country for you and tell you I Love Yous while you two aren't really a couple or in a relationship is a red flag.  And if not red at least a very dark yellow one.

[Pumaza]

Well nice to read you know him from 15 years ago.

But 15 years alot happen.So you dont know him well.now.

And talking about love and moving may be to quick.He may just brainstorming with you.

But you in your ""desperation" see it all as fact and it about to happen 100%.

Really you cant run faster then him.Slow down.And let him do the chasing. Cause if its one sided or you are way more into him, you gonna get hurt.

Dont know you guys age but when you like someone and. also when its both ways there is no timming on when to talk and how much. It just happen naturally.  You miss him you call text,he wanna talk to you he do it to.

Specially if both are far away, your phone is your only communication. Could be he been single a long time and need to get use to this. Or is just

What ever it is, step back and and take it slow. Let him know what you want and need. And if hebis not into same, dont waste time forcing it.

[ElizaR]

17 minutes ago, Commongoal123 said:

This OP.  And I'll add that for him yo move across the country for you and tell you I Love Yous while you two aren't really a couple or in a relationship is a red flag.  And if not red at least a very dark yellow one.

He said when we first started talking just catching up he was planning on moving back his dad and whole family is here.

[ElizaR]

10 minutes ago, Pumaza said:

Well nice to read you know him from 15 years ago.

But 15 years alot happen.So you dont know him well.now.

And talking about love and moving may be to quick.He may just brainstorming with you.

But you in your ""desperation" see it all as fact and it about to happen 100%.

Really you cant run faster then him.Slow down.And let him do the chasing. Cause if its one sided or you are way more into him, you gonna get hurt.

Dont know you guys age but when you like someone and. also when its both ways there is no timming on when to talk and how much. It just happen naturally.  You miss him you call text,he wanna talk to you he do it to.

Specially if both are far away, your phone is your only communication. Could be he been single a long time and need to get use to this. Or is just

What ever it is, step back and and take it slow. Let him know what you want and need. And if hebis not into same, dont waste time forcing it.

The moving is not just for me at all. He told me from the beginning he was wanting to move closer to home. His dad and family plus his sons family all live here.

It has been a long time since we have hung out it may not even be there when we get around who knows. We cared about each other a lot back then were together a lot had same circle of friends besides what we had going on. 

So i

[ElizaR]

Just now, ElizaR said:

The moving is not just for me at all. He told me from the beginning he was wanting to move closer to home. His dad and family plus his sons family all live here.

It has been a long time since we have hung out it may not even be there when we get around who knows. We cared about each other a lot back then were together a lot had same circle of friends besides what we had going on. I knew his kid everything.  Directly after him I got in a 12yr relationship. 

So i think for both of us maybe the feelings came out a little quicker than would have with someone new. Not saying my feelings could be stronger they could be.

Just like right now 3rd day we haven't talked on Sunday he had been sick a few days. I keep wanting to text but I'm not.

 

[ElizaR]

It's like one of those things where you just have always had a weakness for someone. Well he is mine