Does he like me or not? s

[TT95]

Good Morning All! 

Just looking for a bit of advice from you

So, I have been sleeping with this same guy going on 6 years, we have never been in a proper relationship. I first met him back when I was 19, and at the time had a lot going on in my life (I lost my mum very young to cancer so my uncle and his wife helped a lot with raising me, not long after my 18th birthday my uncle had a manic breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar, he owned his own engineer business so was the only one working in the office/management, once coming out of hospital and drugged up to his eyeballs he was what I can only describe as a zombie. My uncle was the only income for their family and after this my aunt started drinking heavily,  they have 3 children of their own, the oldest at the time 12, and the youngest 6 weeks old. I dropped out of second year of A levels to try run his business while he was recovering, and help with the kids because my aunt was literally just sleeping all day drinking all night - sorry, you know women can't tell a story without getting side tracked by another) Anyways, my point was I was most definitely not looking for a relationship, as you can see my hands were kind of full and I was always quite embarrassed by the state of my family to be bringing anyone into that situation so when I met this guy friends with benefits is all I was looking for so at the time worked perfectly for me, we talked most days back then but never anything too personal. After a year of so of sleeping together I grew to have strong feelings for him, I was always attracted to him but now I felt like I actually loved him. We spoke about this and he said he had been feeling the same, even though it was still just a friends with benefits thing because I still was not looking for a relationship and neither was he, but it was exclusive. I wasn't sleeping and speaking to any other men and he 'said' he wasn't. Anyways years have gone by, we won't go into the ins and outs of all of our issues but a main one I will mention, when we first met it was apparent by social media he had a son, as just part of conversation in our first chats I asked how many children does he have, he said one. To keep it short, he actually had a 2 year old, a 3 month old daughter and another girl 3 months away from having his 2nd son. All of these revelations came 6 months - 18 months after we met, see your probably now thinking, girl are you stupid, should have ran for the hills, when i first found out I was really mad and we didn't speak for a few weeks, I thought it was disrespectful to me, the mother of his children but most importantly his children. He said, he wanted to allow the chance for me to get to know him as he knew I wouldn't be interested if he was truthful from the get go, which is correct but unfortunately you make your bed, you better lay in it. By this point I really liked him but also told myself, look this is fine while everything in your life is a mess but when I do get my life back on track and am ready for a relationship there is no way in hell I would be looking for one with him. 

 

Fast forward to beginning of this year, family situation is 10x more healthy, Uncle hasn't had an episode in a couple years, he is back to running his business and I was able to more on to a far less stressful job, back into my field of accountancy, I felt as if my life was falling back into place and was ready to focus on me. Thing is, through everything that had happened in previous year i no longer had any hobbies, never really went out much, lost a lot of friends that I wasn't able to entertain during the time period, so wasn't like I was out there to find anyone else so just carried on sleeping with this guy occasionally. Thing is now I really want someone for myself, I've been there for everyone else for so long and have no one to be there for me, I explained my feelings to him and told him I am ready to move on, to which I receive many paragraphs about how much he loves me and ready to do right by me, blah blah blah. Honestly, I heard that s*** from him so many times I couldn't take any of it serious, but decided to keep entertaining him while I find someone new (stupid logic, I know, I need my head to be clear of him to be open to meeting someone new), then came coronavirus, my chances of going out, dating and meeting new people during a pandemic was real slim, so it has just carried on. My head is still in the space that I will move on eventually but the thing I would like to find out, preferably from other guys, is:

Why would you pour your heart out telling a woman how much you love them and want to be with them and then act completely different? 

He doesn't act like he wants to be with me romantically, but when I tell him I don't want to be with him fall stop it all gets very emotionally and he does everything he needs to make me happy, for a while and then same vicious circle over and over. I know he has a lot going on in his life now. Is there anyway what he says is genuine or do I need to wake up and smell the coffee? 

Appreciate your views!

 

 

Edited December 30, 2020 by TT95
spelling mistake

[Wiseman2]

Sorry all this happened. Great you are in a better place now.

It's time to close the chapter on this nebulous situationship so you can move forward and start talking to and meeting men who want what you want.

[FMW]

You need to start focusing on new hobbies and interests, including meeting other men when it's possible to do so given the current COVID situation.  

As you know, actions are much more important than words.  Consistent actions.  Men (and women) can be competitive and possessive when they think they might lose something that's been an option for them, especially for several years.  They will put out effort to secure that ongoing access (by telling you what they think you want to hear, being more attentive for a while) until they fell they have you back where they want you.  That does NOT mean they are ready - or ever will be - to settle down with you and only you.

I'm sure he does care for you, and may even "love" you, as far as his definition of the word goes.  But it's clear by his actions, and inactions, that it's not what will make you happy.  Leave it in the past and move forward, free to find what DOES make you happy.