At a Loss at What to do

[Noushi]

I am in a very happy loving relationship and my partner is bi-sexual. He had to repress this throughout his life and didn't have the experiences due to a number of factors! We love eachother very much and I know he wanted to explore being with a man and I support him, as I dont want him feeling like he couldn't be who he wanted or left feeling like he didn't act on needs! I have always supported this and said that I am okay with this and I am, but tonight when I asked that if I were to change my mind and say that I in fact couldn't deal with the thought of him sleeping with someone else or kissing them, he said that we would have to split and see where we were later on, after he had had the experiences I assume. I feel like that is saying that being with me isn't the most important thing, that really, doing this means more and if I didn't like it, he is saying he has to do it, regardless of where it leaves us..which I do understand! He is an amazing man, a kind man and I am lucky but am I being put second here, do I deserve better? If I was to change my mind and want him to be only with me, am I selfish in thinking that if I was the most important thing and person as he claims, that my feelings would matter and he wouldn't want to split? I am okay with him doing it and supporting him but its knocked me that he would in fact split up with me, if I said I couldn't bear him being with anyone else...am I wrong to worry? I dont know what to do or how I feel right now? 😔

[Happy Lemming]

Did he tell you he was bi-sexual at the beginning of the relationship??  Fairly early on??

 

[stillafool]

Of course you're not wrong for not wanting your partner to kiss and have sex with another person.  However since you are fine with it why even bring this up?  Why not just go with what you've already agreed upon and accepted.  I've read and heard from other bi men that sex with a woman cannot compare to what men do during sex together.  So maybe that is why he wouldn't stop seeing men if you asked him to.  Are you also able to have sex with other people?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he wants an open relationship and you do not.

Dating is not about being politically correct, it's about being true to yourself and your heart.

Sadly you're at an impasse in an untenable and unsustainable situation.

Has he stepped outside the relationship already? You may want to go to a doctor and get tested for STDs.

https://www.cdc.gov/std/stats18/msm.htm

[introverted1]

How does his being bisexual equate to him getting a pass to have sex with others while in a committed, monogamous relationship?  Is the same freedom extended to you, OP?  Perhaps you've never had sex with 2 men or with a redhead or whatever.  Are you now free to explore whatever experience(s) you didn't have prior to meeting your partner?  If yes, then I guess you have come to a mutual agreement to open up the relationship.  Otherwise, it's just a way for one partner to have their cake and eat it while the other is home with day-old bread.

[elaine567]

Since you have been together has he ever been with a man?
 

Edited December 31, 2020 by elaine567

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I think you let the genie out of the bottle when you supported his exploration and now the genie isn't going back in the bottle. 

I think at the time you were so focused on being a supportive partner that perhaps you didn't think through the consequences or how you'd feel about it in the long term.

Now you are faced with a choice--suppress your feelings (not healthy long term) or acknowledge the relationship you once had is toast (done).

By asking him if he would go back to you only (ie no men), he answered no as apparently he's discovered being with men is an important part of who he is...and he's not willing to compromise that or suppress his feelings to maintain a relationship with you. That's why, as @Wiseman2 said, you have reached an impasse.

Your love has now renegotiated the terms of your relationship with him: either accept his choice to be with men and you while suppressing your feelings -OR- shove off. I think part of you is distressed by this message, rightfully so. You can't change or control him. You can only choose what you will now do. Will you sacrifice yourself to accept his terms? or will you do some of your own renegotiation (including exploring options with men who will give you exclusivity)? Take your time, think it through carefully, more carefully than when you gave him the go ahead before. Deep inside you already know what's best for you. Have the courage to stay true to yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I think you let the genie out of the bottle when you supported his exploration and now the genie isn't going back in the bottle. 

I think at the time you were so focused on being a supportive partner that perhaps you didn't think through the consequences or how you'd feel about it in the long term.

My thoughts exactly. 

OP, you are the one whose feelings on this have changed; you can't be too surprised that his haven't. You evidently agreed to something early on and now realize that it's not what you want, which is your prerogative. It's just not the sort of relationship he signed up for. 

Don't make it a test of his love for you. That's not fair. Understand that while it certainly hurts, you needed to be more honest and open with yourself from the beginning and not go along with things that make you uncomfortable just because you want to prove your loyalty and support. You can see how badly that's backfired. 

Since you are the one who would like to change the goalposts, it's going to be up to you to decide whether to opt out the original game-plan. Neither of you is wrong in how you feel; it just means that you're not the right match for each other.