Belle0809 Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) My boyfriend of two years had been indecisive from the start, however it got worse. Almost every week for well over 9 months he attempted to break up with me. This has been happening for around 18 months in total. However 99% of the time he would not end the relationship, instead he would brush it off as a “rash decision”. He would often try to end the relationship over insignificant issues, a recent example being - he had brought up his ex in conversation at dinner with our friends. I calmly asked him to stop talking about her as I found it awkward, yet he proceeded to talk about their sex life and show pictures of her to our friends. After dinner I told him that I was upset, he responded by saying “don’t tell me what the f*** I can and can’t talk about”. Also he’d tell me weekly that he wanted to break up and that he was coming over to do so. I would prepare for him to break up with me however upon arrival he would greet me with a hug and a kiss and act happy towards the relationship. This happened every week for around 3 months. Unfortunately I can think of many, many more examples similar to these two. 2 days ago we broke up because he was not happy, which came as a surprise. He broke up with me in June for the same reason, but he regretted his decision - even though he swore he’d never get back together with me. He knew I’d take him back. His uncertainty has completely broken me as a person. I blame myself for his unhappiness, and I have completely lost myself in the process of trying to prove myself as a worthy girlfriend. Could he really be this indecisive? Or is he using manipulation to belittle me so he’ll always have access to me? I am scared that if he changes his mind I will get back together with him. I am sorry that this is so long. Thank you for reading Edited December 31, 2020 by Belle0809 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 I truly hope you find the strength to walk away from him this time Belle, because given his past, there's every reason to believe he will change his mind again and continue abusing you in this way. At this point, you need to stop wondering what's going on with him. Instead, look inwards and work out why you chose to put up with all of this. It breaks my heart that you found yourself so unworthy that you'd tolerate his weekly threatening of dumping for so long. Have you done any therapy? Do your friends and family know what has been going on? 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
maggiemtn Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 His behavior is so toxic. I know it’s hard but you have to find the strength to make this breakup permanent. The constant back and forth I’m sure has taken such a toll on your emotional well-being. Do you have a support group of friends and family? Lean on them and you will get through this. Hugs. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 This is not a good guy. I suggest cutting him out of your life once and for all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 5 hours ago, Belle0809 said: .Hes uncertainty has completely broken me as a person. I am scared that if he changes his mind I will get back together with him. He's not "indecisive", he's abusive. On some level you know this. Read up on controlling and abusive relationships. Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. Therapy could help you unpack and sort out some of this. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. That's the only way to heal and start to repair the damages being with someone like this does. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) OP I am so sorry you are experiencing this. This sounds like psychological abuse to me as well, like others have pointed out already. Abuse is abuse. Manipulation = psychological abuse. Regarding the breaking up and getting back together... it's likely a power trip for him and he is using you as a doormat. You deserve consistency in love and relationship. Don't let him treat you like this. He feels there is no consequence for his actions because you're letting him get away with manipulative and abusive behavior. Read up on things such as Borderline Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if anything there resonates with you and your current situation with your boyfriend. And if you ever do decide and want to hold a strong and loving boundary with yourself to not let anyone treat you like this, expect him to do a full 180 and start being super loving and apologetic. This is called "hoovering". And it is a manipulation tactic to gain power over you again because he's sensing that you are standing up for yourself and are starting to see his abuse and manipulation for what it is. I am so sorry. You deserve so much better, are 100% good enough and worthy of love, and you don't have to prove yourself at all to this abuser. He wants you to feel unworthy, not good enough, broken, and like you have to prove yourself worthy to him so he can hold power over you. It took me years to figure it out for myself. You will too. Quick thought: When he would threaten that he was coming over to break up with you, but when he showed up and was all hugs and kisses, did he then ask you for something or want something from you? Secual or otherwise? If so, this is a massive massive massive massive red flag and is absolutely abusive and manipulative among the worst of ways. Edited December 31, 2020 by Commongoal123 Clarity 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Belle0809 Posted December 31, 2020 Author Share Posted December 31, 2020 9 hours ago, basil67 said: I truly hope you find the strength to walk away from him this time Belle, because given his past, there's every reason to believe he will change his mind again and continue abusing you in this way. At this point, you need to stop wondering what's going on with him. Instead, look inwards and work out why you chose to put up with all of this. It breaks my heart that you found yourself so unworthy that you'd tolerate his weekly threatening of dumping for so long. Have you done any therapy? Do your friends and family know what has been going on? Thank you so much for taking the time to respond . My family and close friends are aware of the situation and they’re being very supportive. They also think that this is abusive behaviour. I haven’t had any therapy, but I’m definitely not opposed to it in order to aid me in regaining my confidence. We have the same social circle so it’s very important that I regain my confidence before Coronavirus restrictions are lifted and I begin seeing him again. As I think this could help me in not giving in to his behaviour? Again, thank you for your response Link to post Share on other sites
Author Belle0809 Posted December 31, 2020 Author Share Posted December 31, 2020 3 hours ago, Commongoal123 said: OP I am so sorry you are experiencing this. This sounds like psychological abuse to me as well, like others have pointed out already. Abuse is abuse. Manipulation = psychological abuse. Regarding the breaking up and getting back together... it's likely a power trip for him and he is using you as a doormat. You deserve consistency in love and relationship. Don't let him treat you like this. He feels there is no consequence for his actions because you're letting him get away with manipulative and abusive behavior. Read up on things such as Borderline Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if anything there resonates with you and your current situation with your boyfriend. And if you ever do decide and want to hold a strong and loving boundary with yourself to not let anyone treat you like this, expect him to do a full 180 and start being super loving and apologetic. This is called "hoovering". And it is a manipulation tactic to gain power over you again because he's sensing that you are standing up for yourself and are starting to see his abuse and manipulation for what it is. I am so sorry. You deserve so much better, are 100% good enough and worthy of love, and you don't have to prove yourself at all to this abuser. He wants you to feel unworthy, not good enough, broken, and like you have to prove yourself worthy to him so he can hold power over you. It took me years to figure it out for myself. You will too. Quick thought: When he would threaten that he was coming over to break up with you, but when he showed up and was all hugs and kisses, did he then ask you for something or want something from you? Secual or otherwise? If so, this is a massive massive massive massive red flag and is absolutely abusive and manipulative among the worst of ways. Thank you very much for taking the time to respond, and thank you for your kind words . I have read up on Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder resonates the situation greatly. It seems as though the tactic of “hoovering” is what he used during our first break up. Once he saw that I “wasn’t sad enough” he began to worm his way in - commenting on the amount I was going out, the changing of my Instagram profile picture, etc. One thing he did which I remember vividly was we happened to be out with the same group of friends - he pulled me aside to talk to me and he began to cry and tell me how much he missed me. We cut this conversation short as it was rude to isolate ourselves from our friends so he asked if I could stay later than I had originally planned in order to carry the conversation on. I stayed later, like he wanted, but he refused to talk to me, although he was the one who asked to carry the conversation on. When he would come over to my house to break up with me, but would show up all hugs and kisses, he would not ask me for something but he would want something from me - he would almost always initiate sex. Again, thank you so much for your response and your kind words 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 11 hours ago, Belle0809 said: Could he really be this indecisive? Nope. You know that's not what this is. He likes keeping you in your place and treating you like crap; he enjoys making you feel terrible about yourself. It has zero to do with being indecisive. He knows exactly what he is doing, and he does it on purpose. And while he's keeping you on a tightrope and goes on "breaks" with you, he's probably out enjoying other women. He comes back to you when he's had his fill of them. I hope you realize that's what men like this do. You would be naïve to assume he doesn't have other women on his radar, but something tells me you have caught him doing that before, too. This is never going to get better, Belle. This has become less about what's wrong with him, and more about what's broken inside you. Attempting to identify the reasons for his toxic behaviour doesn't get you anywhere; you should instead be concentrating on identifying where you have given up on yourself and allowed yourself to be treated so poorly. What's your history with men like? Are there are others in your past who have similarly emotionally abused you? You say your family is aware and supports you, but what does that mean - are they encouraging you to finally dump this punk? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 12 hours ago, Belle0809 said: ...... He would often try to end the relationship over insignificant issues, a recent example being - he had brought up his ex in conversation at dinner with our friends. I calmly asked him to stop talking about her as I found it awkward, yet he proceeded to talk about their sex life and show pictures of her to our friends. After dinner I told him that I was upset, he responded by saying “don’t tell me what the f*** I can and can’t talk about”. ....... That's all I needed to read. He is a total D_head. He is insensitive, and he is WAY too aggressive. Walk away NOW !!!!!!! In my case... I have an exW and kids. SO... my ex will enter the conversation once in a while. But to randomly talk about an old GF, and to ignore your request to drop the subject is just wrong. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 3 hours ago, Belle0809 said: Thank you very much for taking the time to respond, and thank you for your kind words . I have read up on Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder resonates the situation greatly. It seems as though the tactic of “hoovering” is what he used during our first break up. Once he saw that I “wasn’t sad enough” he began to worm his way in - commenting on the amount I was going out, the changing of my Instagram profile picture, etc. One thing he did which I remember vividly was we happened to be out with the same group of friends - he pulled me aside to talk to me and he began to cry and tell me how much he missed me. We cut this conversation short as it was rude to isolate ourselves from our friends so he asked if I could stay later than I had originally planned in order to carry the conversation on. I stayed later, like he wanted, but he refused to talk to me, although he was the one who asked to carry the conversation on. When he would come over to my house to break up with me, but would show up all hugs and kisses, he would not ask me for something but he would want something from me - he would almost always initiate sex. Again, thank you so much for your response and your kind words Hey OP, you're very welcome. I do want to add for peace of mind though that sometimes the Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorder traits show in people sometimes, but they may not have it. We aren't professionals and neither are you (I don't mean that as an insult to.you at all). I am only saying this because I got wrapped up in in the past thinking there were way more people with BPD and NPD in the world than there really are, when they were mostly just jerks. That being said, Inhave definitely dated a few who showed strong signs of BPD or NPD. I dated someone who while with me was diagnosed with Borderline. Anyway... listen to your instincts. If it doesn't feel right to you or good to you (when it comes to relating with people) it likely isn't and something may be off. Regarding hoovering, that is when someone suddenly starts acting really nice to regain control and power over you, when they are usually very "push/pull", unkind, and manipulative, so that they can show you "they actually do care and aren't that bad". And then once they get power back over you or get what they want to flip back into their own ways until they think they need to hoover again. This guy sounds so immature. Do you want all these crocodile tears in a man? Actually, part of recovery from this stuff is asking yourself honestly what you really want and don't want, and kind of starting from there. Don't forget that part of living your life is about you. It's not always about other people. And that is healthy and okay. Even if it might feel a little weird or guilty for a while at first. Next time don't give him sex and watch Dr. Jekyll turn back into Mr. Hyde and try to manipulate you and guilt trip you. You are worth more than this and I hope you are able to find your way "out of the fog". Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 You've been putting up with this for two years? WHY?? He treats you badly and acts like he wants to break up with you all the time. This only continues for as long as you allow it. Don't you think you can do better? Link to post Share on other sites
deepthinking Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) yes, manipulation, weirdos can be good--looking but he is weird in a mean way, you must be perfectly okay to have been in his life for two years, so now look out for a better guy Edited December 31, 2020 by deepthinking Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 Doesn't matter what his motivations are. Get him out of your life and stop caring why he's doing what he's doing. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 This is your relationship too. It's time for you to retake control of your life. His indecisiveness is maddening. Stop dealing with it. Break up with him on the grounds that he can't make a freakin' decision, doesn't appear to know what the <bleep> he wants & the equivocation is making you crazy. You have the power to stop this. Use that power to help yourself get off this dysfunctional merry-go-round so you can go find a considerate, consistent BF. You are depriving yourself of that chance by continuing to put up with his BS Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 On 12/30/2020 at 7:53 PM, Belle0809 said: he responded by saying “don’t tell me what the f*** I can and can’t talk about” Why you didn't grab your purse, go out and call an Uber and go home is a wonder of the ages. I wouldn't have sat there one minute longer. He told you exactly where you stand and he didn't stutter. How many times do you need to be insulted before you stand sentry to your boundaries? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Belle it sounds like you already are aware that you boyfriend’s behavior with you is inappropriate, yet you have stayed with him for two years because you don’t want to disappointed your mutual social circle, both his and your families and friends. Those are not good enough reasons to stay with a partner who is abusive. Not at all. Only you can choose to leave this abusive relationship. You will when you decide you’ve had enough of his mistreatment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 On 12/31/2020 at 9:41 PM, Belle0809 said: We have the same social circle As your friends agree that it's abusive and are supportive of you, I would expect that they'd eject him from the friend group for such behaviour. Talk to them about your concerns. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) On 12/30/2020 at 7:53 PM, Belle0809 said: We have the same social circle he had brought up his ex in conversation at dinner with our friends. I calmly asked him to stop talking about her as I found it awkward, yet he proceeded to talk about their sex life and show pictures of her to our friends. Here is the problem with your "friends": at no time while he was debasing and disrespecting you in front of them did ANY of them speak up and tell him "dude!!! Act like you've got some hometraining!!! Belle said to zip it, so zip it!!!! None of us want to smash her and none of us want to hear about your sexual exploits in front of Belle! Show some damb respect!!!" Not one of them threw a can of "act right" at his mouth, so that should tell you everything you need to know about the calibre of people in this circle of "friends". They aren't your friends if none of them spoke up and sided with you IN THE MOMENT on this matter. If they came to you afterwards with the "oh poor you" shtick, that means they're cowards. It's basic human respect not only for you and them, but for his ex who, I'm sure, doesn't want her sexual history with this cretin to be discusses in the open. Edited January 2, 2021 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 On 12/31/2020 at 5:41 AM, Belle0809 said: We have the same social circle so it’s very important that I regain my confidence before Coronavirus restrictions are lifted and I begin seeing him again. As I think this could help me in not giving in to his behaviour? No what will help you is to stay away from him and that means not hanging out with this group of friends if it means he will be there. Try to meet them one on one and get other friends who do not know him. He isn't manipulating you because he doesn't have to. You always give in so stay away from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Liddlez Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Oh, no ma’am! I’m registering STRONG narcissism from this guy. WALK AWAY! Link to post Share on other sites
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