I disrespected my boyfriend to my friends.

[classynevertrashy]

My boyfriend took my phone and looked at my conversation with my girlfriend. He saw a bunch of messages of me talking about his weight gain and how he tries so hard to be cool by smoking. Along with a bunch of pictures of my ex being sent. All these conversations occurred in a spand of 3 months and I have no excuse for it. He broke up with me right after and threatened to hit me if I don't let him go. I feel so much guilt in what I said about him even if it was out of anger or a bunch of jokes. How do I fix this? Please help.  

[maggiemtn]

Seems like you feel guilty you got caught. Why are you sending pictures of your ex? That’s not what someone does out of anger, or joking, or for any reason really... Also there’s no excuse for threatening to hit someone, but saying if you “didn’t let him go” implies you were keeping him from leaving the situation? This is all a big yikes. If he reaches out to you in the future, apologize for the mean things you did. But I don’t really see a fix here. You insulted him, obviously there’s not a lot of trust if he’s reading your texts and you’re sending pics of your ex, and threats of physical violence. What kind of relationship is that? 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, classynevertrashy said:

My boyfriend took my phone and looked at my conversation  He broke up with me right after and threatened to hit me if I don't let him go.

You dodged a bullet. He's controlling and threatened violence. These are gigantic red flags 🚩 for abuse .

Immediately delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Run👟👟 from anyone who snoops through your phone or threatens violence.

You didn't disrespect him by confiding in your friends. He disrespected you by grabbing your phone and threatening violence.

Talk to trusted friends and adult family about this. Research "red flags for abuse".

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, classynevertrashy said:

My boyfriend took my phone and looked at my conversation with my girlfriend. He saw a bunch of messages of me talking about his weight gain and how he tries so hard to be cool by smoking. Along with a bunch of pictures of my ex being sent. All these conversations occurred in a spand of 3 months and I have no excuse for it. He broke up with me right after and threatened to hit me if I don't let him go. I feel so much guilt in what I said about him even if it was out of anger or a bunch of jokes. How do I fix this? Please help.  

What the hell, OP? 

Has he hit you before? This guy is a lunatic; stay away from men who threaten violence. 

And don't stay with men whose weight gain and smoking turn you off. If you're so unhappy that you're admiring pictures of your ex, get out. That was not cool at all and of course it's going to badly hurt your partner. It's not a "bunch of jokes." 

Given what you wrote about your boyfriend's reaction, though, it is a darn good thing this relationship is over. Why on earth would you want to go back to that? 

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, classynevertrashy said:

 I feel so much guilt in what I said about him even if it was out of anger or a bunch of jokes. How do I fix this? Please help.  

This is not something you should fix. Let him go.

I'm curious: why was he going through your conversations with your friend?

[Blind-Sided]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You dodged a bullet. He's controlling and threatened violence. These are gigantic red flags 🚩 for abuse .

...

I see this from another side.  She basically did things she shouldn't have done... and got caught.  He was trying to leave and she wasn't letting him... and the threat came to get his freedom, and to get her to stop.  She doesn't say he was abusive or threatening prior.

OP.... you don't fix this other than by learning from it.  You don't  bad mouth your partner, even as a joke to friends.  You don't continue to talk about your ex's.  That shows your current BF that your mind isn't in the new relationship. 

I wish you luck moving forward. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

He was trying to leave and she wasn't letting him... and the threat came to get his freedom, and to get her to stop.  She doesn't say he was abusive or threatening prior.

That does not make it acceptable. 

Not even close.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

I see this from another side.  She basically did things she shouldn't have done... and got caught.  He was trying to leave and she wasn't letting him... and the threat came to get his freedom, and to get her to stop.  She doesn't say he was abusive or threatening prior.

OP.... you don't fix this other than by learning from it.  You don't  bad mouth your partner, even as a joke to friends.  You don't continue to talk about your ex's.  That shows your current BF that your mind isn't in the new relationship. 

I wish you luck moving forward. 

Even if we take all that into consideration, there's still the question of why her boyfriend was reading her conversations with her friend. I've heard of jealous people keeping track of their partners' conversations with exes or potential love interests. It's not right to snoop then, but I understand why people do it. Keeping track of conversations with friends is a whole other thing. What exactly was this guy trying to achieve?

[Blind-Sided]

46 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Even if we take all that into consideration, there's still the question of why her boyfriend was reading her conversations with her friend. I've heard of jealous people keeping track of their partners' conversations with exes or potential love interests. It's not right to snoop then, but I understand why people do it. Keeping track of conversations with friends is a whole other thing. What exactly was this guy trying to achieve?

You are right.  I think the real issue is... we don't have the entire story.  To me... it sounds a little askew still, even if she is taking blame.

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That does not make it acceptable. 

Not even close.

Well.............  If she was being physical first... then yes it is.  But... as above... we don't have the full story, and the extent of what that threat was, and what exactly triggered it.

I guess to illustrate my point... I would never kill someone.  It goes against everything I believe, and is in direct conflict with my religion. (Burning in hell for all eternity doesn't seam to pleasant to me)  But, I do often carry a weapon, and I have no issues using it if it's truly a life or death situation.  Especially if someone is trying to do harm to my family.

If the OP comes back, and paints a picture where it's aggressive, and one sided... or if he had issues with anger/threats already... then I will change my stance.  But, since I escaped a relationship where the ex went to the local abuse center, and tried to hang an abuse tag on me (legally) to get people on her side, and me thrown out of the house... when I NEVER touched her, degraded her, or threatened her.... you will have to excuse me when I don't automatically side with someone who doesn't have the facts. 

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Well.............  If she was being physical first... then yes it is.  But... as above... we don't have the full story, and the extent of what that threat was, and what exactly triggered it.

Why are you assuming that?

With respect, you seem to be projecting here. 

[stillafool]

OP there is nothing you can do to get him back because he now knows how you really feel about him and his appearance.  He won't get over it.  You trying to hold on to him while he's trying to leave you is a physical action and his threat to hit you if you didn't let him go was awful, but why were you being physical with him when he tried to leave?  I think since you are now a free bird you can find a guy who is in shape and doesn't smoke to make you happy.

[Allupinnit]

You sound young, and this guy sounds very immature.  Smoking would be a huge turn-off for me, too - in fact, a deal breaker.  On top of that, it's a huge red flag for your bf to be snooping through your phone.  I think we need some more context; were you hanging on to him preventing him from leaving the situation?  Has he hit you before?  

[d0nnivain]

Sometimes conversations we have with our BFFs about our SOs are not for the SO's ears.  They are venting, not being disrespectful.  That said, when you put stuff like that in writing -- through texts or some other electronic means -- it's out there forever.  Lesson learned: in the future if you need to vent & that vent includes criticisms or stuff you know would hurt somebody if they knew about it, talk face to face in person where poof, once you have said it, it's gone not preserved for all time. 

If you apologized to this guy for what you wrote but he didn't accept your apology you have to let him go.   You made a mistake & are now paying for it.  But he gets to walk away from somebody who picked on him about his weight.  I'll assume you commented about the smoking because you care about his health.  

It would help if you clarified for all of us what you meant when you said he  

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threatened to hit me if I don't let him go

If that was proverbial, he was threatening violence if you didn't accept the break up, you dodged a bullet.  Violent men should be avoided.  However, if you were physically holding him & he said this in an attempt to escape from your physical grasp, I'n ot as inclined to condemn him. 

[Zona]

23 hours ago, classynevertrashy said:

Along with a bunch of pictures of my ex being sent. 

What kind of pics were you exchanging? If they were x-rated then you were cheating. If you didn't tell him you were in close contact with your ex, then that is also cheating. He's asked you in no uncertain terms to let him go, so let him go and learn from this.

Has he ever threatened violence before? That comment about him hitting you is disturbing.

Edited January 1, 2021 by Zona

[kendahke]

On 12/31/2020 at 12:51 AM, classynevertrashy said:

My boyfriend took my phone and looked at my conversation with my girlfriend. He saw a bunch of messages of me talking about his weight gain and how he tries so hard to be cool by smoking. Along with a bunch of pictures of my ex being sent. All these conversations occurred in a spand of 3 months and I have no excuse for it.

Why don't you have a better lock on your phone if you're going to be talking trash about your boyfriend to your girls and exchanging pics of your exes?

How exactly did he get his hands on your phone in the first place?

Do you and he take each other's phones at will and scour them on the regular? 

Why is your ex sending you pictures over the course of 3 months and why are you keeping them if he's your ex?

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He broke up with me right after and threatened to hit me if I don't let him go.

How long have you two been dating?

The breaking up was reasonable.

The threatening to hit you is unreasonable.

You not letting him go is also unreasonable. That's not how real life works. If someone wants to leave, get out of the way and let them leave.

Quote

I feel so much guilt in what I said about him even if it was out of anger or a bunch of jokes.

Definition of the noun form of joke: something said or done to provoke laughter or cause amusement, as a witticism, a short and amusing anecdote

This wasn't a joke nor was it amusing by any stretch of the imagination--you meant what you said.

If he said the same thing about you to someone else behind your back and you found out, would it being "a joke" be ok?

You told your girl the truth about how you felt about him. He's just a fat, nicotine addicted place holder until your ex decides to orbit back into your life and tell you what you want to hear--I mean why else keep pictures he sent you? If he's actively sending the pictures, he's actively grooming you for his return. That's not a joke, either. It's a pretty malicious  thing to do as far as your recent ex is concerned.

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How do I fix this?

Why? Why even bother? He knows the unvarnished truth about how you esteem him. Can't unring that bell.

 

 

Edited January 2, 2021 by kendahke