1 week post-break up feeling a bit down but she contacted me

[turokturok5]

Hi everyone, happy new years. Been a week since I was dumped and I'm just venting and looking for some insight to my own thoughts. I've been busy at work but often forget that we have broken but as we work in the same field, something would happen at work and I would be excited to tell her about it later. But after a few minutes I would remember that we've broken up and get a bit upset. But overall I'm still optimistic about the future.

She ended up messaging me a few nights ago saying "I wanted to contact you days ago, but doubt you want to hear from which is understandable. I just couldn't help messaging you though. How are you, what did you get up to during your break?". I had told her days ago that she shouldn't contact me anymore because I still loved her and wanted to work things out and that she needed to let me move on. But I was polite, replied and we messaged back and fourth for a bit before I wished her happy new years and deleted the messages. I was going pretty good until this happened, it set me back a little bit and I've been feeling a bit worse today. 

Anyway I've been doing more reflecting about the relationship and I don't think I would be able to take her back now. Truth be told I was not entirely happy with the relationship towards the end. She had developed intimacy issues and before we broke up, we hadn't had sex for 4 months and the last few times I tried to initiate it, she would reject me. She would start crying and talk about how I was still so attractive to her physically, but she just didn't feel like being intimate and couldn't explain why. I tried to be patient and give it time hoping that she would understand what the issue was and either overcome it or be able to explain it to me,  but I guess her resentment towards me for not being able to reciprocate the love she had for me early on in the relationship took its toll on her. Coupled with me not having much time to spend with her due to always working, I guess she just didn't feel the love anymore.

I'm just sad because I didn't care about the sex so much, I just wanted to be with her because I loved her and hoped that we could figure out what was wrong. Despite how much it devastated me that she would reject me for wanting to be intimate and despite how much it made my my mind wander to fantasizing about other women, I was always faithful to her and held onto hope that we would be happy again, that at Christmas/New years we would finally after so many months have some time off of work to spend together, but she gave up on us. 
 

Things are looking up for me though. I'm all by myself on New Years Eve and I'm not really to bothered. I've just started my career and I'm finally moving out of home into an apartment near the beach/closer to work in a few weeks. I'm skeptical about dating again but I guess that's normal after a break-up. To be honest I've never actually been on date, all the relationships I've been with have sparked from friendships so it could be something fun and terrifying. I just keep dwelling on my ex and wishing that we could have communicated our needs better and maybe things would have been different. But I feel like if she tried to come back to me now after she dumped me at a time where I was under so much pressure from work and just needed her to be there to support me, that she gave up on our relationship and at Christmas as well. I don't think I would be able to forgive her, which is sad in itself

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. If it's any consolation, a lot of people are just staying in on New Year's.🥂

You're doing better than you think if you're focusing on work, your friends, family and other interests.

All you can do to prevent unwanted intrusions on your peace is block and delete her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This is for your own boundaries and reflecting in peace.

For example you realized intimacy was falling apart and things weren't that great after all.

[turokturok5]

Another thing I'm struggling to terms with is getting angry about certain aspects of the relationship and really wanting to tell her and question her. For instance she always doubted my love because I seldom used "words of affirmation" as I was much under the impression of "actions speaking louder than words". We lived ~1 hour apart from each other and it was ALWAYS me making the effort to drive to her house. Late at night I would miss her and call her to tell her I'm coming over to see her. During COVID In Australia where we couldn't have physical, contact I would drive to her house to stand outside her front gate to still see her in person to talk to her. When she was working a s***ty job I would drive to her house to spend the night with her and take her to work in the morning. And yet she tries to break up with me because she didn't feel like I loved her.

Then after COVID when I'm working a s***ty job the only time we would ever see eachother is if I would drive to her house again, she would never make the effort to come to mine despite not working and having free time. Despite being so patient with her, despite her constant rejections for intimacy, despite us sometimes going weeks without seeing eachother because of busy work schedule and her not wanting to make the effort to come see me, I still loved her and wanted to fight for the relationship. It just upsets me so much that she doesn't think I loved her enough and left me and it makes me so angry that she doesn't seem to understand the effort I put in despite the s***ty circumstances of 2020

[Beachead]

@turokturok5

You did the best you could do, and she decided it just wasn't for her.  Don't blame yourself.  There are several reasons why a person makes the choices they make and many of them have to do with them.  Her childhood. Her past relationships.  Her past trauma. The friends she chooses.  Her stage in life.   All these things translate to what she wants, needs and desires.    It's not just up to you to ensure your relationship works.  You could have been a flawless boyfriend and she still could have broken it off with you, because of who she is.

Also, you were not working long hours to punish her.  You were working long hours so that you could get your life on track.  To move out.  To save, for her and for you so that you could build your future together.  You say she wanted to get married?  Well tell me how would she expect a wedding and a life together, if neither of you work?  Life costs and it takes money.  And given we're amidst a terrible pandemic, she should be grateful that you landed a full-time job because it would mean good things for the both of you.  You were supposed to be a team.

If she was thinking about a future with you and was committed to that future, she'd think about that.  But she wasn't, so this became all about her an her needs.  Even though she started blaming you.. it wasn't your fault.

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She ended up messaging me a few nights ago saying "I wanted to contact you days ago, but doubt you want to hear from which is understandable. I just couldn't help messaging you though. How are you, what did you get up to during your break?". I had told her days ago that she shouldn't contact me anymore because I still loved her and wanted to work things out and that she needed to let me move on. But I was polite, replied and we messaged back and fourth for a bit before I wished her happy new years and deleted the messages. I was going pretty good until this happened, it set me back a little bit and I've been feeling a bit worse today. 

Do you realize in breaking up with you, she is choosing to be with someone new, whether she's met him already or not? It's just a matter of time.  That's what it ultimately means.  So there is no point in having any conversation with her anymore.  Remind yourself of that.

You are heartbroken and wounded right now, and so it is important that you prioritize your own mental-health right now, over hers.  She is responsible for healing herself.  It isn't your job.  But going by her current actions, she seems like the type who will continue to message you at her convenience, when coping becomes unmanageable and she needs her fix of you.  Quitting you cold turkey is hard, so she's doing it in steps, slowly weening herself off.   Each time she gets that fix, she gets the strength and the confidence she needs to carry on with her life, the way she originally intended.   She's using you to help herself get over you.  If you teach her that she can do this by responding her and generally being available..she continue to take advantage of it. 

You may need to block her number and block her off of social media as well.  Her reaching out to you like this will only confuse you, hurt you, generate anxiety, and send you back to day 1.  Healing from this will genuinely require a lot of time and energy so don't make the process harder than it already is by allowing her to mess with you.  

- Beach

Edited December 31, 2020 by Beachead

[turokturok5]

35 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@turokturok5

You did the best you could do, and she decided it just wasn't for her.  Don't blame yourself.  There are several reasons why a person makes the choices they make and many of them have to do with them.  Her childhood. Her past relationships.  Her past trauma. The friends she chooses.  Her stage in life.   All these things translate to what she wants, needs and desires.    It's not just up to you to ensure your relationship works.  You could have been a flawless boyfriend and she still could have broken it off with you, because of who she is.

Also, you were not working long hours to punish her.  You were working long hours so that you could get your life on track.  To move out.  To save, for her and for you so that you could build your future together.  You say she wanted to get married?  Well tell me how would she expect a wedding and a life together, if neither of you work?  Life costs and it takes money.  And given we're amidst a terrible pandemic, she should be grateful that you landed a full-time job because it would mean good things for the both of you.  You were supposed to be a team.

If she was thinking about a future with you and was committed to that future, she'd think about that.  But she wasn't, so this became all about her an her needs.  Even though she started blaming you.. it wasn't your fault.

Do you realize in breaking up with you, she is choosing to be with someone new, whether she's met him already or not? It's just a matter of time.  That's what it ultimately means.  So there is no point in having any conversation with her anymore.  Remind yourself of that.

You are heartbroken and wounded right now, and so it is important that you prioritize your own mental-health right now, over hers.  She is responsible for healing herself.  It isn't your job.  But going by her current actions, she seems like the type who will continue to message you at her convenience, when coping becomes unmanageable and she needs her fix of you.  Quitting you cold turkey is hard, so she's doing it in steps, slowly weening herself off.   Each time she gets that fix, she gets the strength and the confidence she needs to carry on with her life, the way she originally intended.   She's using you to help herself get over you.  If you teach her that she can do this by responding her and generally being available..she continue to take advantage of it. 

You may need to block her number and block her off of social media as well.  Her reaching out to you like this will only confuse you, hurt you, generate anxiety, and send you back to day 1.  Healing from this will genuinely require a lot of time and energy so don't make the process harder than it already is by allowing her to mess with you.  

- Beach

Hi Beach thank you for the response and kind words, I've blocked her number now. It's just not a great time of year for me to get dumped (although I guess there is no ideal time of year) seeing as it's Christmas, New Years and my birthday in a few days. It's just a struggle as like I have said, having been working very long hours I neglected most things in my life except her. I fell out with a lot of my friends in the last 6 months as well and my family is away so I'm coping by myself. It was a nightmare at work the last few days at work talking to coworkers - there is a limited number times you can grit your teeth and say "yeah pretty good" when asked how your Christmas break was. But anyway! I've been furiously jotting down reflections about our relationship and I think I'm accepting it, just getting a bit angry about certain things now and needing to vent. 

[Beachead]

@turokturok5

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But anyway! I've been furiously jotting down reflections about our relationship and I think I'm accepting it, just getting a bit angry about certain things now and needing to vent. 

Vent away.  

I know you've been through one other breakup but just incase you have forgotten..the process of getting through the heartbreak and grief is a slow one. It may take a minimum of 1 year just to genuinely feel like yourself again.  You may not like to hear that, but it is the truth.  You'll go through a lot of ups and downs.  You'll miss her one day.  You'll resent her the next.  You'll feel numb today.  Sad tomorrow.  Angry the day after that.  Rinse and repeat for months.  You may even find yourself irrationally struggling with the thoughts of wishing you could be with her again and you won't know why.  Many do.  Some do not.  But it is all normal and it all depends on what your relationship was like, how it ended, how much experience you have with breakups, whether you have people to talk to or not, so on so forth etc.  Forgive yourself, show yourself patience and kindness, and allow the process to progress without trying to force it. 

With time, the cycle of emotions and moods and thoughts decrease in frequency, diminish in intensity, and you will find yourself not having to furiously jot down much, to help you get your thoughts to where they need to be.  For now though, you are doing all the right things.  I always encourage people to journal during these times (Or anything in life) because it will help you focus on the main point and the big picture..and you are doing that.  

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 It's just a struggle as like I have said, having been working very long hours I neglected most things in my life except her. I fell out with a lot of my friends in the last 6 months as well and my family is away so I'm coping by myself. It was a nightmare at work the last few days at work talking to coworkers - there is a limited number times you can grit your teeth and say "yeah pretty good" when asked how your Christmas break was.

Why'd you fall out with your friends?  I've been through that as well.  I'd say most of my social life is gone now and I spend a lot of time on my own. 

And starting a new job is never easy.  For one, getting ready for work mentally on a daily basis is a challenge.   There's going to be people you won't like or get along with at your job.  You're going to have to do things you don't want to do.  You may find yourself not knowing how to do something or not having control of some things and will have to somehow figure it out and it will cause anxiety.  And then when you're done, you have to switch off and worry about your responsibilities outside of work.   It requires a lot of attention, committment, focus and energy..so ofcourse it's not easy. Sure, you can do it alone but may find yourself quickly burning out.   We all need help, support and love from people to get us through it.  

Your girl left you during a terribly stressful time.  You needed her to understand and to support and instead she turned her back on you.  If she can't be there for you, during a period of time when things are not ideal and you aren't at your best, then what's the point?  You can't trust her to be there if you go through something worse (Illness, death of a loved one etc.).  And if she can't appreciate all the effort you made for her in those 3 years, then she likely won't appreciate anything you do going forward.  It'll just be taken for granted.  

She did you a favour. 

As for you, you're starting your career out and you were fortunate to secure a full-time job, so learn and absorb as much as you can.  Get good at your job.  Become an asset.  Save money and invest in yourself by reading, taking courses, and academically improving when you can.  Take care of your parents.  Take care of yourself.  And when you need a break from it all, spend some time outdoors in nature.  Get some exercise.  All these things will give back to you day by day and it will add up over time, into something meaningful and valuable which you can use to help you advance further!  One day, a few years from now, you will look back and realize how far you've come and how strong you are and it will bring you the confidence you need in yourself to know you'll get through damn near anything.

Get over your breakup by taking care of yourself. That's all there is to it.

- Beach

Edited December 31, 2020 by Beachead

[Gaeta]

I am sorry you are going through this. Your history indicates she started talking about her feelings changing months ago. When you start not seeing the efforts your partner is putting in it's that you're taking them for granted. I think she texts you to ease her guilt, nothing more. I'm not reading between the lines that this was an amazing relationship and you have something wonderful to go back to. There is something better ahead for you. 

[turokturok5]

13 hours ago, Beachead said:

 Your girl left you during a terribly stressful time.  You needed her to understand and to support and instead she turned her back on you.  If she can't be there for you, during a period of time when things are not ideal and you aren't at your best, then what's the point?  You can't trust her to be there if you go through something worse (Illness, death of a loved one etc.).  And if she can't appreciate all the effort you made for her in those 3 years, then she likely won't appreciate anything you do going forward.  It'll just be taken for granted.  

Thanks, this realization is what is helping me the most. I was definitely not myself for the last few months, it just sucks that she wasn't able to see that. I feel like I have dodged a bullet now though. I was willing to move in with her to save the relationship but thinking about it now it would have been a disaster (which in retrospect is actually a big reason I feel like I was hesitating to make the move aside from the financial/logistical reasons), I knew we were having issues and moving in together would have just made them worse and the break up even harder. I did let her know that I felt we should work on the issues before moving in, but she said that given her age she didn't have time on her side and couldn't wait and hope things would work out - that she would be willing to do so if she was younger.

I think we just really sucked at communicating our needs to one another. She would tell me what she needed and I would try to meet them without acknowledging that she wasn't meeting my needs (the intimacy, the effort, the support during my time at work). E.g. her needing to move out immediately to save /progress the relationship, but me feeling like it was unfair of her to give me an ultimatum when all I needed was a little bit of time and her support to get me through the stressful period and to acknowledge that the timing was bad. Maybe things would have been different but probably not. Just seems like there was this vicious cycle where either one of us was not meeting the other persons needs and expected the other person to realize that.

But now that I've had more time to think about it, if she surprised me tomorrow and said that she had missed me, made a mistake and was once again willing to move in together to "save the relationship", I would say no. I would need time to work things through slowly to resolve the underlying issues we had been having. But like she said, time is not on her side and she can't afford to work things out with me, she would rather take a risk and start fresh with someone new. I guess I'm lucky in that I don't have the pressure of time to find someone better like she does, I'm still young and healthy and have only really just started my life having finished uni and started my career. I turned down a great job opportunity ~8 months ago before I started my current job because it would have forced me to relocate to a rural area way from her. Now I don't have those restraints anymore and am free to explore every opportunity. 

[Beachead]

@turokturok5

For a guy who went through a breakup, you carry a tremendous amount of awareness for yourself and your situation.  Many people would absolutely lose it (And justifiably so) and require several months to get to where you, but you are still rational.   You are a strong dude.   I believe you'll be fine with some time but continue to check yourself to make sure you're alright. Remind yourself that your future will become what you build for yourself today.  Just work hard everyday and the results of that daily work will collect and amount to something that will give back to you in good ways, down the road.  Everything else will fall in the place.

Stay strong man

- Beach

 

Edited January 1, 2021 by Beachead