primer Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 It's been a long time since I was on here. I forgot about the Loveshack community for my questions. My friend is 52. She has been married and divorced twice and engaged probably seven times (not exaggerating). Thanksgiving Day she got engaged again and now she is all giddy about it. It is the groom's third wedding also. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding even though I never even met the man. She inundated me with wedding plans by texting several times with plan changes and dress options. (This was on my 53rd birthday and she never once wished me a happy birthday.) I cancelled plans with her because I did not want to hear about the wedding. After several days of her being bridezilla for a 3rd wedding that is nine months away, I told her it would probably be best if I didn't participate in her wedding. Does all of this seem odd to you? Why can't I be happy for her? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 2 minutes ago, primer said: Why can't I be happy for her? Maybe because of her track record you don't see this relationship (marriage if it goes through) lasting and you don't want to take part in something that seems pointless and inauthentic. Or maybe you have resentments against her for some other reason that you might not be admitting to yourself. Or a combination of both. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 I'd respond the same way as you did. Especially given the costs of being in the wedding party. Might even go so far as to say "I've spent enough of my time and money on your weddings, I'll pass on this next one". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 I don't know why you can't be happy for her but it probably has something to do with the fact that the wedding may not come to fruition or result in a lasting marriage given her track record. It does all sound a bit intense which would be a total turn off but brides do get consumed. She sounds like somebody who loves weddings, especially when she is the center of attention but that makes it all the more likely that this marriage will fail too. Just let her prattle on but don't always be there to listen & certainly don't cough up big bucks to be there for her big day. Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) I have a casual friend whose brother is on wife 4 or 5 (I forget). One of his brothers could not make the most recent wedding, and he said “I’ll make the next one.” That story made me laugh! EDIT to add: I don’t think you have done anything wrong in passing on being a bridesmaid again. Edited December 31, 2020 by ClearEyes-FullHeart 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) Eeek she sounds like a high maintenance nightmare! Yes, you displayed the exact boundaries that were appropriate for that situation. She inundated you with wedding plans on your birthday, not even wishing you a happy birthday. What a bad friend! All she thinks about, is herself. And she seemingly treats marriage quite casually. She must love the idea of love, the way she’s been engaged 7 times, and married/divorced twice. I wouldn’t have participated as a bridesmaid for someone that self-centered. In fact, I was in your situation in college. A casual acquaintance asked me to be in her wedding, as the flower girl. I said no b/c we barely knew each other. Then she got mad and rescinded her wedding invitation to me, so that I couldn’t even attend as a regular guest. Pfft! Don’t even give this second thoughts. You dodged a bullet as far as I’m concerned. She sounds like someone who is a master at managing people to do her bidding. I hate those types of personalities. They are super charming and social, yet underneath that veneer, all they care about is what other people can do for them. Yuck. Edited December 31, 2020 by Watercolors Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted December 31, 2020 Author Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: She sounds like somebody who loves weddings, especially when she is the center of attention but that makes it all the more likely that this marriage will fail too. She must like being the center of attention. She is sending out huge group texts and posting on social media about wedding cakes, venues, invitations, etc. It's almost like she doesn't realize people have other things happening in their lives. Her 3rd wedding is the only thing that matters. Edit: I am not on Facebook so she has to do the group texts also so EVERYBODY knows. LOL Edited December 31, 2020 by primer Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 Totally attention seeking. Let her run with it but don't get involved, not even to tell her that her behavior is off putting. Just ignore the group texts & carry on with your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) Why can't you be happy for her? Well here are some vaild reasons: She is self-centered, she displays poor decision-making, her life is one big drama after another, she's a bad friend (she even didn't wish you a happy birthday on your birthday). Need I go on? Of course you shouldn't participate in this wedding. I think you are asking the wrong question. Instead of "why can't I be happy for her" I think you should be asking yourself "why am I friends with this person??" Edited January 1, 2021 by ShyViolet 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Only you can tell us why. This is not much details for us to gues. But you soubd frustrated and tired of her marrying so many times????! And mad she ddnt remember its your birthday?? If you guys are freinds you could reply her first time she told you about getting married again, like hey you been in marriages like many times,are you sure about this? And its my birthday ,you ddnt even say happy birthday.Im disappointed. Maybe after that you guys may have been cool. Anyway good that you were honest to her about not wanted to be in her wedding. But if you guys are close freinds, it may hurt later on. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 1 hour ago, ShyViolet said: I think you are asking the wrong question. Instead of "why can't I be happy for her" I think you should be asking yourself "why am I friends with this person??" My thoughts exactly, OP. Why are you friends with a woman who is so thoughtless and self-centered? Does she contribute anything positive to your life? If not, why would you even want someone like her in your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author primer Posted January 1, 2021 Author Share Posted January 1, 2021 2 hours ago, Watercolors said: My thoughts exactly, OP. Why are you friends with a woman who is so thoughtless and self-centered? Does she contribute anything positive to your life? If not, why would you even want someone like her in your life? We started being friends in 2nd grade. That means we go back about 45 years. She is a lot of fun . . . . when she can pry herself away from the latest man. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 7 hours ago, primer said: We started being friends in 2nd grade. That means we go back about 45 years. She is a lot of fun . . . . when she can pry herself away from the latest man. It drives me crazy when people think that they can't "throw away" a friendship or a relationship just because it has a long history. Just because you've been friends with a person a long time, that doesn't mean that you can't end it, that ending it would be "throwing it away". People change, and if it's no longer working, then it should end. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 It's smart to decline her offer. Are you attending as a guest? Are you bringing a BF/date? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 You don't have to throw away a 45 year history but it may be healthier for you to put some distance in here. You can politely clap from the audience & enjoy the wedding reception without forking over more money 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 Personally I wouldn't care if she were on her 10th wedding because that's her business. If I didn't want to fork out money to be a bridesmaid I would just tell her so. If she's a good friend I would attend the wedding, drink and dance my butt off and have a good time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 19 hours ago, primer said: We started being friends in 2nd grade. That means we go back about 45 years. She is a lot of fun . . . . when she can pry herself away from the latest man. So why create this thread to complain about her, if she’s a lot of fun. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 Even our oldest and dearest friends can make us nuts. You don't have to be all in all the time with everything they do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) You can be happy for her, and still not be in her wedding party. I don’t blame you for not wanting to invest your time and hard earned money in this wedding. Unfortunately, that’s a hard conversation to have... but, I don’t think you are being unreasonable. And, it’s not just about the fact that she has a poor track record and you are doubtful about this marriage... We are not 25 anymore - people have other obligations and stresses... Edited January 3, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 You can't be happy for her in the same way that an adult can't be happy for a kid who goes out and recklessly does something stupid: you know disaster is on its way. Plus, her over-the-top emotion--and her cluelessness about her marriage fantasies--would require you to bite your tongue around her. You'd be thinking, this is all stupid and foolish. This marriage is going nowhere, but you wouldn't be able to say that out loud. Now, had your friend come to you and explained that she had gone to therapy and done a lot of self-evaluation and that she understands she's been immature in the past ... and if she spelled out reasons why this relationship is different and will be different, then you would be able to feel good about it--though it is nuts that you haven't even met the groom. There is nothing more painful than being part of a wedding that you know is absolutely dumb. Don't criticize yourself. Credit yourself. Only someone as foolish and clueless as your friend is ... would be able to jump for joy at being asked to be a bridesmaid. Link to post Share on other sites
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