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Feel lonlier with him in my life


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I have been lurking and reading old threads here . I am a MW in a LDR with a MM . We were together many years ago. My marriage is loveless but we get on reasonably well. MM contacted me a couple of years ago and I think due to my loneliness preyed on me .  I fell for him again.  However he loves his wife and will never leave her . I don’t think they sleep together .  
He promised me I would never feel lonely with him in my life but I do . I feel lonlier than ever . I asked him today could we have a phone call as we have not spoken in about 6 weeks .he told my the earliest we can talk is mid January as she is with him .  It has me feel low to say the least . I probably was a bit annoyed but he has turned it back on me that I doubt him and dont believe him . 
How can I when he loves his wife and can’t make an effort to make a phone call .   We have been friends for such a long time and I wish we had stayed like it . For clarity it’s EA as we have not met as APs . 
I know if I finish it he will blame me but I’m so miserable. Feel like I’m not one thing or the other . 
 

Totally expect a blasting on this and well deserved of course . 

 

 

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HadMeOverABarrel

Exactly--why would you believe him? Also, perhaps more importantly, how did you go from having one loveless relationship to having two loveless relationships? This is why you are lonlier than ever. Loveless relationship #2 is unavailable because he's married AND long distance (and possibly psychological stuff to boot). Not even a true friend would restrict you from a phone call like that. You are right to feel lowly about it because he's basically conveying your status to him...not important enough to have a phone call with until some weeks. Even a professional would schedule in a call with you in less time. 

This is all to say that you have a pattern of giving too much in your relationships while neglecting your own needs. That is what you should focus on. Get clear on YOUR needs and how you'll get them met. I doubt either of these two relationships will be much good to you...I'm guessing they both take more than they give.

Time for you to learn the value of your contributions, not to accept less than their worth, develop a keen understanding of your needs, make a realistic plan (step by step) how you will get them met through your own empowerment, and then execute that plan. 

Edited by HadMeOverABarrel
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@HadMeOverABarrel that’s probably the best thing anyone has ever said to me . I do give of myself all the time and I apologise to him even when he is in the wrong . I have actually apologised today for asking him for a phone call . How stupid am I ! 

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At the end of the day, our lives are a direct reflection of the decisions we make. 

You chose to stay in an unfulfilling marriage, where there is not much happiness to be found. You tried to apply a bandaid solution to your unhappy marriage by establishing a long distance relationship with a man who is committed to another woman, and discovered that your happiness is most definitely not to be found there. 

It begs the question, where is your happiness to be found? 

What do you want for your life? Answer that question, and then you can begin to make decisions that support you moving towards your goal. Is there enough happiness to be found for you in a companionate marriage? Or do you need to divorce - to give yourself the opportunity to find a relationship that meets your needs. How does this affair meet your needs - are you satisfied waiting around for the day, the lucky day in the next month when this man is able to find 30 minutes to make a phone call? Perhaps, you need to be single for a while. Maybe the lesson to learn is that true happiness doesn’t come from a man, but from within? 

You have lost your way, and only you can find your way back because only you can answer these questions. The beginning of a new year seems to be a good time to begin asking these kinds of questions and discovering the answers. Good luck. 

Edited by BaileyB
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You two have never even met?  This is not a real relationship, you are pen pals.  Sorry to be harsh but no wonder you feel lonely.  Relying on this connection with him is a total waste of your time!  You will always be low priority to him and he won't leave his wife.

Please move on from this immediately and  figure out what you want.  Your own marriage appears to lacking in substance.  Ignoring the situation will not make it go away.

This LD pen pal situation is unnecessarily complicating your life!

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@BaileyByes a new year is a good place to start . My H and I can be good companions . Due to his health reasons and extended family on his side with special needs I am hanging in there .  
i think I can work on this and find more fulfillment . I admit a part of me has been sucked in by the attention MM bestowed on me . 
 

@Luna66star we have met many time but not as APs. We did meet once since becoming involved online but we didn’t cross the line at that point but we know each other through work for 30 years . He moved abroad about 20 years ago . Contact was minimal but escalated last couple of years . But I agree with you it’s totally complicated my life and has caused problems for me.

 

I think I have fallen for his sweet words the company at the beginning but which has dwindled and today really highlighted that . He is emailing me now and  saying he is available to talk anytime . Lol .  It’s not happening! 

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23 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

@BaileyByes a new year is a good place to start . My H and I can be good companions . Due to his health reasons and extended family on his side with special needs I am hanging in there .  
i think I can work on this and find more fulfillment . I admit a part of me has been sucked in by the attention MM bestowed on me . 

It seems to me that you are looking more for a friend than an affair partner. Perhaps, the emotional support can be found from a new friendship or seeking the support of a counsellor? 

Or perhaps, you just liked the excitement and the attention this man provided. What you have discovered is that while “affairs” provide this in spades, it is unable to support the continued “high” of a new attraction or relationship. The real word continues to exist, he has obligations to his spouse and whatever happiness you have found with this man is fleeting... followed by a low that makes you want to chase the high again...

The simple truth is, the answer for whatever it is that is missing in your own life is not to be found with another woman’s husband...

Edited by BaileyB
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BaileyB yes to  all you have said . That could be correct .  I think what he wants is someone to help him feel like a man again . I am pretty sure I do believe that his marriage is sexless but definitely not loveless.   
i am very lucky that I do have one close friend female who knows it all and is such a support to me .

I thought MM really did care but he knows my vulnerabilities and has ignored them.  
 

tomorrow is a new year a new day . I am not going to let him define my life any more . I am done wasting hours for a crumb of a text  . Tbh my dedication has kept it going our correspondence..  I won’t live by the phone anymore. I have indulged in self pity and hurt today . And what a waste of time it is .  I have a chest pain from it all  .  
 


 

 

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19 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

I thought MM really did care but he knows my vulnerabilities and has ignored them.  

Is it possible that he exploited them? 

Take care of yourself, no man is ever worth your health or your self worth. 

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Yes BaileyB I think he has maybe subconsciously if not conciously . Also  I am recognising most of what I get from him lacks substance . Weather , food etc . I don’t really know what’s happening In his life except his daily menu and weather forecast . 
It’s been very freeing to write it all here .  
I reached a new low today I know that . Also my screen time is off the wall today I don’t want to live like this anymore. 
Time for me to take control of my own life as you lovely people have mentioned 
 

 

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14 minutes ago, Davina1 said:

I am recognising most of what I get from him lacks substance . Weather , food etc . I don’t really know what’s happening In his life except his daily menu and weather forecast.

That’s what I’m sensing, this sounds more like a friendship than a great love affair. What is missing from your life that you are seeking companionship and friendship from another man? Can this be found by establishing some new female friendships, to offer you companionship and conversation? Or, can this be cultivated with your husband? Surely, you don’t need to cross the globe and disrupt another marriage to find this kind of emotional support? 

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BaileyB my husband is married to his work . I am lucky I do have friends and the best sister in law . I think reality I was missing male  company. He made me feeL special for a while but it’s fizzled . I am obviously alone a lot more than Him and have put more time and effort in after the initial few months . Putting me on back burner till mid jan for a call showed me the truth . 
 

will be very careful now . I never want to feel like this again 

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HadMeOverABarrel
1 hour ago, Davina1 said:

Time for me to take control of my own life as you lovely people have mentioned

Love this!!!!^^^^^😍

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9 hours ago, Davina1 said:

I don’t think they sleep together

It seems for women, this is a big deal. So what if he claims he’s not “sleeping” her?  He may not be sleeping with her but I’ll bet banging her.  He certainly knows, like most of us, that implying that he’s not getting it at home makes you feel better and that’s why he tells you this.  You are in a bad situation. This guy probably enjoys tormenting you.  I’m sure he enjoys the control he has over you. Good luck. 

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8 hours ago, Davina1 said:

@HadMeOverABarrel that’s probably the best thing anyone has ever said to me . I do give of myself all the time and I apologise to him even when he is in the wrong . I have actually apologised today for asking him for a phone call . How stupid am I ! 

OMG. You are a narcissist’s delight. He will chew you up. You’re not stupid, you made a mistake. Take it easy on yourself and get rid of this guy before there’s nothing left of you. 

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11 hours ago, Davina1 said:

My marriage is loveless but we get on reasonably well. 

Do you think he feels that the marriage is loveless? For some guys, being a good provider for their family is how they show love. Most guys don't wear their emotions on their sleeve, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

You say you are good friends with your SIL. Do you think that friendship will last if she finds out that you have been cheating on her brother?

You have received lots of good advice. 2 things are worth mentioning again.

You need to figure out a way to make yourself happy and not rely on outside validation.

Second, he is definitely sleeping with his wife. That is a common lie that a MM will tell his AP so she won't get jealous.

Edited by Zona
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8 hours ago, Davina1 said:

@BaileyB . Due to his health reasons and extended family on his side with special needs I am hanging in there .

Sorry this is happening. The issue is your marriage and burnout from care talking.

While chitchatting may seem like a good temporary escape, unfortunately, as you have seen, once the attention subsides all your problems are still there.

Look for support groups. Reach out to trusted friends and family. Enlist the help of a therapist to cope or give you the strength to leave.

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@lifeoflies I acknowledge he somehow has control of me. A lot of the time I don’t speak my mind. My friend thinks he is a narcissist too .    I am going to ease off now and start living again. Not wasting another day like I did yesterday. 
 

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1 hour ago, Zona said:

Do you think he feels that the marriage is loveless? For some guys, being a good provider for their family is how they show love. Most guys don't wear their emotions on their sleeve, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

You say you are good friends with your SIL. Do you think that friendship will last if she finds out that you have been cheating on her brother?

You have received lots of good advice. 2 things are worth mentioning again.

You need to figure out a way to make yourself happy and not rely on outside validation.

Second, he is definitely sleeping with his wife. That is a common lie that a MM will tell his AP so she won't get jealous.

Zona  he lived in his own little world a lot  of the time . But he is kind and generous. He has health problems nothing life threatening but he plays on it a bit but I look after him very well, we rub along together. Sil knows the situation with her brother. She has actually thanked me for sticking it out 🤣

luckily the affair has been contained to online . And it has mainly been friendship.  Covid has probably helped as we couldn’t meet . I think I can nip it safely in the bud now .  Time to somehow finish it .  I just want to be my happier self again . 
 

feel more positive today anyway and new year resolution is not to be a slave to phone . Thanks all 

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10 hours ago, Davina1 said:

 I am recognising most of what I get from him lacks substance . Weather , food etc . I don’t really know what’s happening In his life except his daily menu and weather forecast . 

This sounds like a chore for him. I guess he is now bored of this. He is distancing himself so he is taking less risk with his marriage.
This relationship has stalled and the less contact is just par for the course.
You have become overly attached as you have little at home to occupy you. You are lonely in your marriage and you crave male attention, but I guess he doesn't actually NEED your attention, so it is nothing to him to suggest a "break".
He is no doubt flattered that you have kept this going for so long, but he knows it is going nowhere so whilst he probably doesn't want to ditch you, he doesn't want to engage in the closer more intense relationship you would want either.
He can't, he has a wife he doesn't want to lose. If he was getting sex once a week from you then that may have piqued more  continuing interest... but not necessarily. Sometimes affairs just fizzle out like any other relationship.

I think it is too easy to label the person who is not conforming to our needs and wants "a narcissist", but whether they are or not is almost immaterial. We want to blame them as that tends to remove our own culpability.
We need to forget about them and concentrate on our own behaviours.
If he is treating you bad then why are you letting him?
Do I think this man is a narcissist? 
Probably not, but he is still a bad influence on your mental well being and as such needs to be cut out of your life.

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4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Probably not, but he is still a bad influence on your mental well being and as such needs to be cut out of your life.

This is the truth  . I’m doing well today. Think he is easing off now too by looks of it .  Very stilted odd email in exchanges .  
it will take time for me to be right again but I will get there 

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ExpatInItaly

Is there any way you and your husband can improve your marriage?

Otherwise, you will be ripe for another EA in the future with someone else. 

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4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is there any way you and your husband can improve your marriage?

Otherwise, you will be ripe for another EA in the future with someone else. 

I think over time yes .  Honestly I don’t think i will ever put myself through this again . I am so sorry that I did . 

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7 hours ago, Davina1 said:

She has actually thanked me for sticking it out 🤣

I'm not saying these things to be mean, I am saying them to try to get you to think of the situation in a more realistic manner, which would help you extract yourself from it and heal.

So SIL knows you are cheating on her brother with an ex, but she is thankful you are "sticking it out"?

If your husband finds out about the affair and comes to realize that the only reason it didn't go further at first is because of covid, and now because AP is becoming more distant, that will likely haunt him for the rest of his life and probably lead to a divorce that will expose the affair to your family members, and that's almost never good.

Hopefully you can move on and go 100% NC. Then figure out why you needed validation from AP to be happy.

 

 

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First and foremost, forgive yourself, learn from it and move on. I think you realised what you needed to realise. Now, do not engage with him any more (if you want send him a cold and polite email telling him to stop contacting you and that you are happy you spent time chatting with him but now it is time to move on). Do not explain anything more to him, do not tell him your feelings or thoughts, just disappear and look out for yourself. Do not wonder what he's doing and such, just focus on yourself. As the time goes by you might have ups and downs but the general trend will be upwards. Do not let moments of weakness to get the best of you - don't let them control you, you can control them and go through it without contact. 

MM will never consider you a person, for him you will always be just a character and a game to play.

Good luck X 

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