Sam2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 I have been going out with a small group of ladies for the past five years. We've always celebrated each others birthday with a "Happy birthday" text message on the day, then meet for dinner later. Well my birthday is several days before Christmas and none of these ladies sent a birthday wish text...even till today. The last time I saw these gals was in November for another ladies birthday dinner. I was pretty hurt that no one remembered my birthday and I will be seeing them in a couple of days for our annual "Holiday" dinner. Should I say something? I'm afraid they will see the hurt on my face and I don't want to ruin our dinner. We are all middle aged and over. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) How well do you know these friends of five years? Are they acquaintances where the socializing is superficial-level topics? Or, do you all share a long history together? Since you’re all middle-aged (my age, too), at this point in your life, there’s no mincing words. There’s no dancing around topics anymore. Just flat out tell them, “Hey, my birthday came and went and I missed seeing your happy birthday texts.” Or, “I didn’t hear from you on my birthday and my feelings are hurt.” That’s not confrontational. That’s just stating a fact. If you are good friends with these women, they can take it. Find out why they didn’t text you. Or it will eat you up inside. Phrase it without the confrontation. See how they respond. And, why are you getting together with them during a pandemic? Aren’t any of you worried about getting Covid? Edited December 31, 2020 by Watercolors Link to post Share on other sites
primer Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 Oh my gosh. It sort of bothers me when "friends" don't acknowledge my birthday. Especially when I acknowledge theirs every year. Wouldn't they even wonder when my birthday was? I have been told that birthdays are no big deal to some people. I think those people are selfish when they expect their birthdays to be acknowledged and don't reciprocate. If I were you, I would casually mention your birthday. Something like - I bought myself a new pair of shoes for my birthday. See if they get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 23 minutes ago, Sam2020 said: Should I say something? I wouldn't... Maybe these ladies are more acquaintances than actual "friends". I have no desire to celebrate my birthday, anymore. I don't really care if anyone remembers or not. My girlfriend always waits to the last minute to get me a card and gift card from whatever store she passes in her travels. I told her not to bother anymore, that I don't want any more gift cards. For me, I'll cook myself a nice steak & baked potato dinner. Pair that with a 6 pack of Guinness and I'm a happy camper. That is pretty much all I want... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 If there is one you are particularly close to you can quietly say something to her that you feel hurt / left out / ignored but don't caste blame. Don't make some big announcement to the group. That just looks petty & attention seeking. Between Covid & the holidays a lot of people are pretty down & self absorbed these days. Happy Belated Birthday. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 I'm pretty sure a good counselor's advice would be to express your feelings. Something like: I felt sad that I didn't get any birthday wishes. Personally, that's not my approach. I let the good friends and acquaintances sort themselves out. Anytime in my life I've felt my friends are underwhelming, I go out and meet some new people. It doesn't mean I'm no longer friends/acquaintances with the old ones - just that I might be able to find new people more on my wavelength who will make more effort to connect. So far, I've always been able to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I'm pretty sure a good counselor's advice would be to express your feelings. Something like: I felt sad that I didn't get any birthday wishes. Personally, that's not my approach. I let the good friends and acquaintances sort themselves out. Anytime in my life I've felt my friends are underwhelming, I go out and meet some new people. It doesn't mean I'm no longer friends/acquaintances with the old ones - just that I might be able to find new people more on my wavelength who will make more effort to connect. So far, I've always been able to. I agree with your advice about managing expectations and finding new friends. But what if those new friends dismiss the OP’s birthday the same way? That would be the only caveat I’d add. We can’t predict people’s behavior. But, since their behavior changed this year from previous years, that is somewhat strange that they wouldn’t text the OP happy birthday this year, as they did in years past. Especially if none of them texted her. Something must have happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 23 minutes ago, Watercolors said: I agree with your advice about managing expectations and finding new friends. But what if those new friends dismiss the OP’s birthday the same way? That would be the only caveat I’d add. We can’t predict people’s behavior. But, since their behavior changed this year from previous years, that is somewhat strange that they wouldn’t text the OP happy birthday this year, as they did in years past. Especially if none of them texted her. Something must have happened? Then I'd keep looking for better friends. I think @d0nnivain is right. People are weighed down by the state of the world and many are barely staying afloat emotionally, meaning they don't have any extra energy to give. I made a fabulous new friend right before the pandemic. She's normally very good at staying in touch and reaching out, very go-getter. She called me right before Christmas to apologize for not responding to my text checking in a month ago, saying she's been in a slump. I totally understood, because I was thinking about following up on my text to make sure it went through, but I was also in a slump and in my shell, wasn't in the right mindset to reach out. We've been playing phone tag since, and I let her know right away I was in the same place and wasn't offended. In general, I think truly good friends are very rare. I have 2 or 3 GOOD friends, and I count myself lucky for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Then I'd keep looking for better friends. I think @d0nnivain is right. People are weighed down by the state of the world and many are barely staying afloat emotionally, meaning they don't have any extra energy to give. I made a fabulous new friend right before the pandemic. She's normally very good at staying in touch and reaching out, very go-getter. She called me right before Christmas to apologize for not responding to my text checking in a month ago, saying she's been in a slump. I totally understood, because I was thinking about following up on my text to make sure it went through, but I was also in a slump and in my shell, wasn't in the right mindset to reach out. We've been playing phone tag since, and I let her know right away I was in the same place and wasn't offended. In general, I think truly good friends are very rare. I have 2 or 3 GOOD friends, and I count myself lucky for that. Congrats on making your new friend. I am not as forgiving as d0nnivain. Pandemic or not, people shouldn’t be jerks to each other. I still wished my sister a happy birthday via text when I had Covid-19. So, my belief is: there’s literally no excuse not to reach out to someone you care about. I do agree with you that truly good friends are very, very rare. Most of us have social acquaintances. Really good, true-blue friendships are hard to find. Edited December 31, 2020 by Watercolors Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sam2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Author Share Posted December 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Watercolors said: How well do you know these friends of five years? Are they acquaintances where the socializing is superficial-level topics? Or, do you all share a long history together? Since you’re all middle-aged (my age, too), at this point in your life, there’s no mincing words. There’s no dancing around topics anymore. Just flat out tell them, “Hey, my birthday came and went and I missed seeing your happy birthday texts.” Or, “I didn’t hear from you on my birthday and my feelings are hurt.” That’s not confrontational. That’s just stating a fact. If you are good friends with these women, they can take it. Find out why they didn’t text you. Or it will eat you up inside. Phrase it without the confrontation. See how they respond. And, why are you getting together with them during a pandemic? Aren’t any of you worried about getting Covid? We met because we all knew one of the girls. We were all in the middle of separation or divorce so we had that in common. Before pandemic, we used to go dancing, dinners and shopping a few times a month. So I'd consider them good friends and I'm the type of person who does get hurt about these things. I think your suggestions are perfect and I'll use one of them!d. Thank you! One person asked why we are going out during the pandemic. I live in Hawaii where Covid is pretty low. We try very hard to always abide our covid rules and rarely venture out. 1 hour ago, Watercolors said: Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 3 minutes ago, Watercolors said: there’s literally no excuse not to reach out to someone you care about. As somebody who suffers from what can be debilitating depression & anxiety sometimes you just can't function. My agoraphobia kicked in after Christmas & I have spent the last 5 days in bed. I used to think it was bad when I couldn't go outside. I couldn't even get out of bed; it was frightening to go downstairs in my own house. I let the power drain out of my phone on Monday & haven't turned it back on yet because I just . . .can't. I didn't miss anybody's birthday but that has happened in the past. There is no logic to it but I understand how people get overwhelmed. Unless you have experienced it, it's hard to understand how debilitating it is. @Sam2020 I'm sorry your friend group screwed up & forgot your birthday. My explanation above works for one person not a group. Again I think you do need to say something to the person in the group you feel closest to. It sounds like you call came together to be supportive after your respective divorces so when you didn't get the well wishes I understand your hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 5 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Pandemic or not, people shouldn’t be jerks to each other. I still wished my sister a happy birthday via text when I had Covid-19. So, my belief is: there’s literally no excuse not to reach out to someone you care about. I hear what you're saying, but it doesn't help me whatsoever to judge people and harbor bad feelings because they're not giving me enough attention. Holding onto resentment is like holding onto a hot frying pan - it only hurts YOU. People make it abundantly clear how much of a priority you are to them without you doing or saying a thing. If you find that you don't have anyone in your life who makes you feel appreciated and valued, keep looking. My friend that I made at the beginning of this year is in her 50s and I'm in my 40s and we connected beautifully from the first conversation. Even though I've only known her for less than a year, I'm pretty sure we'll be there for each other as friends. At least from my side I can say that I already consider her a friend for life and will do anything I can for the rest of my life to be a good friend to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 20 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I hear what you're saying, but it doesn't help me whatsoever to judge people and harbor bad feelings because they're not giving me enough attention. Holding onto resentment is like holding onto a hot frying pan - it only hurts YOU. People make it abundantly clear how much of a priority you are to them without you doing or saying a thing. If you find that you don't have anyone in your life who makes you feel appreciated and valued, keep looking. My friend that I made at the beginning of this year is in her 50s and I'm in my 40s and we connected beautifully from the first conversation. Even though I've only known her for less than a year, I'm pretty sure we'll be there for each other as friends. At least from my side I can say that I already consider her a friend for life and will do anything I can for the rest of my life to be a good friend to her. That’s one aspect of my personality that I’m constantly aware of and trying to improve: I’m extremely judgmental. I can be flexible on many things, but there are some things I won’t budge on. And respect and trust are two things that I won’t budge on with anyone. I also agree with you that the way people treat you shows how much of a priority you are to them. I believe that to be 100% true. I made a friend last year whom I thought would turn out to be a great friend. We hung out before the pandemic quite a few times and seemingly got along well. But then all of a sudden when I leaned on her for emotional support, she accused me of being needy and dropped me like a hot potato. It’s not always clear what people want from you, until you ask them for something. Then you find out how much or little they value you, like I found out with this new former friend. She just saw me as someone to fill a time slot with; she saw me as a casual acquaintance. I guess I misread her friendliness as that of being a good friend. At least I learned that by asking for emotional support from her, her rejection of giving that to me, meant she was not someone I could put in the “good friend” category. We aren’t even acquaintances anymore though. I hope that you have a different experience that I have had, with your new friend. Good luck, OP. I hope it works out for you with your social acquaintances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 5 minutes ago, Watercolors said: I made a friend last year whom I thought would turn out to be a great friend. We hung out before the pandemic quite a few times and seemingly got along well. But then all of a sudden when I leaned on her for emotional support, she accused me of being needy and dropped me like a hot potato. I'm sorry she didn't turn out to be a good friend. I've found that you can never be sure what people are about until some time goes by. I learned a long time ago to keep expectations on friends very, very light. I have friends who I felt were not "there for me" at times in the past, but then were there for me in a huge way later. I think some people do a lot better when there are no expectations on them. One of my best friends is like this. She doesn't do so great when asked for certain things - but when there are no expectations on her, she gives you the moon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I'm sorry she didn't turn out to be a good friend. I've found that you can never be sure what people are about until some time goes by. I learned a long time ago to keep expectations on friends very, very light. I have friends who I felt were not "there for me" at times in the past, but then were there for me in a huge way later. I think some people do a lot better when there are no expectations on them. One of my best friends is like this. She doesn't do so great when asked for certain things - but when there are no expectations on her, she gives you the moon. I guess every person is different. My roommate at the time, was in the midst of a bipolar yearlong manic episode, refusing to leave her bedroom, pay her mortgage, feed her cat, bathe herself, feed herself. I was at my wit’s end and nearly broke, paying Orkin to deal with a mouse infestation, taking her cat to the vet when the cat got sick, paying for the cat’s $50/bag cat food every 2 weeks, paying for weekly groceries for 2 people with no reimbursement from the mentally ill roommate. And this former acquaintance knew my roommate and had introduced us to each other, when I was looking for a roommate situation after placing my mom in memory care. This acquaintance didn’t forewarn me that the roommate had bipolar depression and other issues. So, when I leaned on her, I guess I just expected her to be there for me, with emotional support. But nope. She dropped me like a hot potato calling me needy, knowing all the time, that her friend was a nightmare to live with (and why her friend’s husband divorced her b/c she was the same way with him during their 15 year marriage; she’d neglect their house, their relationship, just stay in bed and not do anything, and neglected their autistic son). I mean, I know how to manage expectations with people especially new friends. But some situations are not so cut and dry, like this one I went through last year. Also, when my dad died I was 21. Lost all of my college friends. Literally, none of them called me to offer their condolences or even come over to my house to be with me. So, I’ve not had high expectations for the human race for over 20 years based on my own personal experiences. One thing I know: you cannot depend on anyone for anything. That’s what my relationships have all shown me. And it’s why I choose to be alone now. Edited December 31, 2020 by Watercolors Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 3 minutes ago, Watercolors said: One thing I know: you cannot depend on anyone for anything. That’s what my relationships have all shown me. Sorry to hear that. My experience has shown me that at their best, people can be pretty good, pretty reliable, but can also be flaky and self-absorbed at times, so I keep my expectations reasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sam2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Author Share Posted December 31, 2020 36 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Sorry to hear that. My experience has shown me that at their best, people can be pretty good, pretty reliable, but can also be flaky and self-absorbed at times, so I keep my expectations reasonable. This has been so true with many of my friends. My bff has grandkids she cares for so I keep my expectations low with her as far as getting together, but she's been one of the most supportive people in my life. These ladies have also been very encouraging so I'd hate to lose that support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 I forgot to send my bff a birthday text this year (it was last week) but we are meeting up this weekend for our joint BD outing (mine was also last week). While I am not usually forgetful about BDs, I did forget this year - the days have all seemed to run into each other and by the time I noticed the date, the day had past. I am thankful that my friend and I have enough history that this will be overlooked, just as I have overlooked some minor things in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 I get email reminders for all my friends' birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions, through birthday-reminders.com (free). I get a reminder 30 days in advance, 7 days in advance, and day of. This way I never forget to send at least a text message, and if I want to send them a present, the 30-day reminder gives me plenty of time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: I get email reminders for all my friends' birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions, through birthday-reminders.com (free). I get a reminder 30 days in advance, 7 days in advance, and day of. This way I never forget to send at least a text message, and if I want to send them a present, the 30-day reminder gives me plenty of time. I love my iPhone calendar. I put all birthdays and celebrations on there ahead of the date to remind me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: For me, I'll cook myself a nice steak & baked potato dinner. Pair that with a 6 pack of Guinness and I'm a happy camper. That is pretty much all I want... ah thats nice, quite Irish! I have good memory actually, I can remember most birthday dates and phone numbers of at least 30 people. Edited January 1, 2021 by Foxhall Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 16 hours ago, Sam2020 said: I will be seeing them in a couple of days for our annual "Holiday" dinner. Just raise your glass in a fun way and say "let's have a toast to my birthday". It's not offensive and it's a fun way of acknowledging it without coming across wounded or seeming to guilt trip anyone. Make light of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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