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Has my wife cheated


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Pottering About

Very true basil67 but as a female would you take some of the very graphic things he texted seriously?

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On 1/3/2021 at 7:13 AM, Boz said:

Once again thanks for the replies..my gut is she likes the attention as she always has but I was unsure due to the change from being really upset to treating the guy as a normal work colleague,  I would expect her to give him a wide birth,  then to randomly come out with the other comments made me think she was trying to cover up in case something was said by one of her work friends.  Anyway really appreciate the feedback and I will let you know if anything changes. 

This is one reason for it. The change in behavior is because she started liking it. 

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mark clemson
15 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Mark Clemson, firstly, my comment offered possible options, not dictats. These are designed to get the OP AND HIS WIFE THINKING TOGETHER about how to respond to wholly inappropriate text messages

Fair enough. I was responding to what you wrote, which perhaps didn't come across quite the way you meant it to. Happens to all of us. Without going too far down the rabbit hole, it seemed like you were rushing to assume she'd actually done something with the guy and were giving advice with that in mind. For example, if an actually betrayed spouse felt a letter or email to the guy was necessary to ensure it's communicated that the affair is ended, so he can even start to have some sense of trust, and with an eye toward possibly rebuilding the marriage, that would be a different matter.

Here it seems the woman probably flirted, and was then essentially sexually harassed by the guy. I'm guessing you and I agree on that much. In a case like that, with treating the wife as if she had cheated (assuming she hadn't), is essentially victimizing her twice - once by the aggressive horndog co-worker and then again by the husband's severe (if somewhat understandable) insecurities.

And no, certainly not everything you suggested is "bad" IMO. For example, asking to see if he can recover the texts, so he can see the content, makes lots of sense in a situation like this. If it reveals she flirted and did nothing more, they can discuss that and set more ground rules. If it reveals more - well, then he knows and can take action.

Speaking generally, I think it's important to be very reasoned with the advice one gives. One doesn't know the full situation and "going overboard" when tampering with the inherently unpredictable chemistry of two people in a suspected affair situation has a real possibility of doing a lot more harm than good, IMO.

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On 1/1/2021 at 5:10 AM, Boz said:

She said he had text her loads even after the return home

 

On 1/1/2021 at 5:10 AM, Boz said:

The next time we had sex weeks later

After the course in question you didn't have sex for weeks?

 

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Possibly a couple of weeks but don't forget I didn't find out about it until a few weeks after the event also..our sex life is always like that..hit and miss..not down to anything..we never fall out..it's just the way it is 

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6 hours ago, Boz said:

Possibly a couple of weeks but don't forget

I was wondering if she possibly was  afraid she had picked up an STI and waited to make sure she wouldn't infect you. The comment about "not having sex lately so it may hurt' is so wrong on so many levels. Some people think men can feel the difference if another penis has been in the vagina. IDK, but maybe she was worried she was a little roomier (if she cheated) and wanted you to think she's so tight she's going to get hurt by your normal sex. 

 

I'm really sorry I even bring this up. 

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That's what I was thinking too,  all her comments seem to me to be trying to either cover up or throw me off the scent..asked her the other day about him hassling her and she said it was just the once and he was fine after that. Also asked if he apologised and she said he did via text.all this is different to what she previously said. She has since retired and doesn't go anywhere so it's not going to happen again just thought I would sound out other views on  it..especially from the woman's side.

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Pottering About

Hi Box.

- Do you think she cheated on you?

- If you do, what are you going to do about it? Do you really want to know?

- If you found she cheated, would you divorce?

- Are you going to be content with knowing she has retired now and it isn’t going to happen again?

The past is obviously caused you some anguish as you wouldn’t be on here otherwise. Answers on here will probably fuel any concerns about her cheating.

I think you need to decide how far you want to go with this. If you make a decision to accept she did not cheat or that you will never know if she cheated, then you really need to close it off in your mind forever. The same applies if you accept she may have cheated but know she has now retired and it will not happen again.

The potential problem here is that you open Pandora’s box and any doubts are going to eat away at you until they sour the relationship beyond repair. Unless either your wife or the OM confess to sleeping together, you are never going to fully know what happened. There is no ongoing affair to catch but you can consider retrieving the deleted texts.
 

If you do want to pursue this, what are your options? Maybe the texts may reveal evidence she cheated, may be 180 will lead to her confessing, MC?

Whichever way you go, do you need to communicate your concerns to her at the very least to help you move forward, be it through “having the talk”, e mail if you think the written word will prevent rug sweeping, MC or something less formal/accusatory but expressing your feelings. Your wife does have a part to play here so don’t take everything on yourself.

Finally, and I know I am going to get criticism for this, how do you feel about your wife’s failure to report the OM’s sexual harassment to HR ? Do you think she has a moral duty to women as a whole to address the totally unacceptable behaviour, especially now she has retired? The easy answer is to say she has retired, it is someone else’s problem now. All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men and women to do nothing. Let’s hope he does not do irreparable damage to some other woman’s life in the future or, even worse, ends up raping someone.

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21 hours ago, Boz said:

 She has since retired and doesn't go anywhere 

How old is she? Is all this male attention part of her imagination or to get your attention?

 

 

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Pottering about....it's not eating me up I would like to know,.if I found out she had it would bother me but not to the extent of divorce..we have a really good relationship..very rarely argue if at all and always go out together except on the odd occasion...obviously not at the moment.  I did tell her to take it further but she didn't want to and that and the change in her reaction to him  plus her volunteering information tells me it didn't happen how she said it, it doesn't mean she cheated,  she may have led him on but something isn't right about the story...she was drunk and we were on a night out together when she told me how big he was and she said if he was a bit older she would have been tempted but immediately retracted that and said it wasn't what she meant..what else does it mean ?

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29 minutes ago, Boz said:

54 yrs..she's always loved attention..and got plenty of it from a lot of men but nothing like this 

Well, ok if she no longer works there and is retired, then it's water under the bridge.

Her stories sound like something to get a rise out of you. 11 inchers, men begging and pawing like hungry dogs at her hotel room.

Yet all these years she went to work as usual and no problems, right? 

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Pottering About

Hi Boz (got the name right this time, curse you spell check).

Glad you seem okay about things and have a positive outlook on the future. Think you are probably right on all counts.

From your recent experience of your night out, plying her with drinks and then questioning her offers different options to retrieving deleted texts, VAR etc plus you get a night out as well  😆

However, and this is just me because I have the Devil’s streak in me, I would flirt with a  lady in the future and tell my wife how huge her attributes were 🤣

Good luck for the future.

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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well, ok if she no longer works there and is retired, then it's water under the bridge.

Her stories sound like something to get a rise out of you. 11 inchers, men begging and pawing like hungry dogs at her hotel room.

Yet all these years she went to work as usual and no problems, right? 

She's always been flirty..as previous she told me that another lad she worked a lot closer too,  his mother thought they were having an affair and warned her off and her best mate said there were rumours at work that she was seeing him also..she totally denies anything between them although she admitted she fancied him and masturbated over him..

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1 hour ago, Pottering About said:

Hi Boz (got the name right this time, curse you spell check).

Glad you seem okay about things and have a positive outlook on the future. Think you are probably right on all counts.

From your recent experience of your night out, plying her with drinks and then questioning her offers different options to retrieving deleted texts, VAR etc plus you get a night out as well  😆

However, and this is just me because I have the Devil’s streak in me, I would flirt with a  lady in the future and tell my wife how huge her attributes were 🤣

Good luck for the future.

😁  and you 

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8 hours ago, Boz said:

I did tell her to take it further but she didn't want to and that and the change in her reaction to him 

I don't know what this means. You wanted your wife to go out with this guy or have a relationship with, what?

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trident_2020

From his posts he appears to be willing to let her do whatever makes her happy as long as she comes back to him.

He seems to enjoy hearing about her adventures and descriptions of these other men, especially how big they are.

I can't understand it but some guys are into that whole cuckhold fantasy thing with their wives banging other guys.

 

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10 hours ago, Xerad said:

I don't know what this means. You wanted your wife to go out with this guy or have a relationship with, what?

When I said take it further I meant to HR ...sorry should have made that clear 

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On 1/7/2021 at 10:23 AM, Xerad said:

 The comment about "not having sex lately so it may hurt' is so wrong on so many levels.

She's 54 years old.  I'm guessing you don't know much about menopause.

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20 hours ago, Boz said:

 she admitted she fancied him and masturbated over him..

Just curious if this is a cuckolding fantasy you two share, since she's not cheating and she's retired?

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On 1/3/2021 at 6:34 PM, mark clemson said:

So, with sanity?

 

 

What kind of person decides FOR his wife that she WILL report something to HR at work? Shouldn't SHE have some choice in the matter? You are aware that reports to HR frequently backfire, no? Sorry hon, you get to get your work life made more complicated because of  - what, exactly? Paranoid suppositions?

How about starting with asking her to just not talk to the guy instead of jumping to the conclusion that she's about to sleep with him. You COULD be right, but there are saner ways to derail that (assuming it's even happening at all).

Seriously, IF you really need to pull all this crap to feel safe in your marriage, just do yourself a favor and get divorced, and then do everyone else a favor and STAY THAT WAY. And if the wife has any spine she'll shut this bullcr*p down.

Don't get me wrong, she SHOULD be willing to make some concessions, but not all of this baloney. "You WILL write a letter to this guy". Appropriate response: "Go f*ck yourself, I'm hiring a lawyer." 

It's too bad some women (and men) don't have sufficient emotional or financial security and end up putting up with this kind of deranged nonsense.

SMH.

the way he propositioned her at that  conference is sexual harassment. this co worker

needs to be reported to HR.

 

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