Has my wife cheated

[Xerad]

On 1/7/2021 at 4:20 AM, Boz said:

That's what I was thinking too,  all her comments seem to me to be trying to either cover up or throw me off the scent..

I hope you don't mind, but can her strange, unnormal comments be due to her personality defects? She just does not seem right. I'm not saying she has psychiatric problems, I'm saying she has personality problems. 

[HappilyMarried]

On 1/6/2021 at 11:22 AM, Boz said:

Possibly a couple of weeks but don't forget I didn't find out about it until a few weeks after the event also..our sex life is always like that..hit and miss..not down to anything..we never fall out..it's just the way it is 

If it is really bothering you there are ways to go back and recover the text messages if it is less than 6 months ago I believe. If so tell her you have found a program to recover the texts that she said she thought were sexual harassment and then you both could decide if this needs to be turned over to the HR dept. and come at it from the angle. Also, that it should be considered to protect future female employees in the company. By doing this you can see her reaction to doing this and if she did anything she may then confess. Just a suggestion if this is affecting your feelings about your wife and your relationship.

[mark clemson]

On 1/9/2021 at 7:09 AM, oldtruck said:

the way he propositioned her at that  conference is sexual harassment. this co worker

needs to be reported to HR.

Sorry OT, missed this.

In an ideal world I suppose that would be true. The de facto reality of many organizations is that there can be negative consequences for the victims who report, so I think a LOT of it doesn't actually get reported. There can be retaliation, a perception of the reporting person as not fitting in, exclusion from certain opportunities, etc, etc. I don't really want to turn this thread into a discussion of the broader issue, but I think the reality is that workplaces have an internal politics, and a successful person has to mind how they come across to others, pick their battles, etc. So I really don't think the decision whether to report a specific incident should necessarily be taken out of the hands of the "victim".

Since she's apparently retired it might make more sense now than at the time, if she thinks it's worth the trouble.

There's more that I could add, but as said I don't particularly want to T/J this thread.

[Buffer]

Recover all texts. I feel it is bad news. 
One day at a time 

Buffer

[merrmeade]

On 1/1/2021 at 5:10 AM, Boz said:

Hi just thoughts please.

My wife went on a course with work a year or so ago well before Covid. She was away 1 night and returned as normal and nothing unusual was felt or said until a few weeks later she said that 1 of her colleagues she went out for a drink with had sexually harassed her and she didn't know what to do. I told her to report him but she didn't want to.

After a bit of digging she said that the 2 of them were walking back to their rooms which were next door to each other and he was pestering her for sex. He was knocking on the door of an adjoining room and telling her he was hard and that he was very well endowed..saying he was about to come via text and was she playing with herself. I had phoned her in between all this and she never mentioned it.

She said he had text her loads even after the return home but said she had deleted them all when I asked to see them. One when she was out the room I found 2 texts and 1 said about him being naughty when he said a sexual remark and another about a similar course suggesting they get similar adjoining rooms with LOL at the end of the text.  The next time we had sex weeks later she said be careful it might be a bit uncomfortable because we hadn't had sex for a couple of weeks..she has never said that before and it wasn't uncomfortable at all.

A few weeks after she was on another course and I met her after work and she kissed everyone as she does and 1 of her male colleagues said that he was disappointed as he thought she only kissed him. A bit later while we were shopping I asked her who her colleagues were and she named them but when I asked who the lad was she said oh you won't know him and left it at that. A few months later she randomly said that she only knew 1 well endowed man and that was her ex and I replied what about your work colleague and she replied oh I forgot about him and said but you obviously never.

A bit I forgot to mention was when we were out 1 night she told me he was 11 inches and that he was tempting if he was a bit older. She also sent him a xmas card along with other colleagues. Just seems odd when she was so upset at first and was asking me what to do about it..this may not be put across well but I hope you can get the theme of it..I just would like to know what other people think..no intentions of bringing it up again just would like to know. Thanks 

So I have some observations about what's happened and some of the seeming contradictions. Before going into it, however, I have a new question: Why did she retire? Are you sure it had nothing to do with all that business you described?

First of all, she came to you worried (a little) about the situation that happened in the hotel but then over the intervening weeks seemed to waffle on how much she actually did and how she felt about it. She said a little more that disturbed you when she got drunk, but each time she pulls back and only reveals so much. It's not strange at all and they are only contradictions because she is only admitting to just some of what she actually felt. Maybe she blabs when she's been drinking or just wants to talk about it without alarming you.

My read on it  is partly as a woman and partly as someone who's been reading around here for a while. What I question more is what she's feeling now about what happened. What I'm surprised about is how simplistic you guys are making it. Hmmm, she seems strange. Ummmm, that's weird and contradicts what she said before. Well, people do that! People, in fact, have mixed feelings - good and bad, hot and cold - about a lot of things. Nobody is just one pure sentiment. We're complicated and half the time don't know what we feel or think.

I think that there are only two possibilities - they flirted big time; he was really turned on by it and told her so; she was also turned on by it; [and then either they had sex or they didn't] but she's still thinking about whatever they did sometimes. Now, all of that I think definitely happened except the part in brackets, but she is not telling you everything she said and did and mostly trying to make him look like the aggressor.  She's definitely had her head turned and the rest of her is seriously turned on by it, too. The question is how far she went. 

If they had sex, I agree it's a little weird that she's talking about it so much with such random references. This is where I think that the limitations of strangers sharing bits and pieces of their histories and knowledge has its limitations. We don't know your wife's personality. Is she quirky? Ditsy? Funny? Impulsive? You've said three times that she "likes the attention" and that she's always flirted (which by the way, is not a normal, acceptable behavior that you should be dismissing as merely "liking the attention." It's blatantly disrespectful to you and not something that married women should be opening themselves up to. Why? Because men get turned on by it exactly the way that guy did.)

So first possibility: They had sex and she's stupidly talking about parts of the evening anyway but just leaving that part out, it could be because she just wants to talk about it with someone, so she decides to live dangerously, go out on a limb and tell it the way she related it to you. You say she first brought it up because, she said she'd been sexually harassed. Well, it's possible she's worried about his telling someone or about it going any further. OR maybe she's making a really dumb attempt at trying to make herself look innocent and putting the blame on him. Regardless, for sure she's got mixed feelings about him and the evening and can't stop thinking about it. You're there, she says things impulsively so she said it's 11 inches because she was, in fact, thinking about his long dick. But really, the main reason I think this scenario is possible is because of the weird thing she said in bed with you - that sex might be uncomfortable for you - and that you say she's never "said anything like that before." I wonder about that and if it means they did have sex and it's the first time she's ever cheated on you and doesn't know what it will be like for you. Or more likely she might feel guilty and didn't have the heart. Another possibility I don't like to think about is that she could be desiring him and didn't want to be with you. And there's also the one someone suggested about thinking she might have picked up an STI.

Now second possibilitiy: They didn't have sex, but she definitely still flirted with him and egged him on not realizing how turned on he was getting. Then, she kind of liked the sexting - kind of did, kind of didn't - but she still didn't exactly stop him. So she participated to a point but then presents it to you without conveying the extent of her involvement. I also know that people like that - married people who flirt like there's no tomorrow - are very good at not thinking about whether what they're doing is right or acceptable because it's so exciting and they "like the attention." It's possible that your wife doesn't think too deeply about a lot of what she does and says. It's possible that she dug herself into that situation a little deeper than she liked and realized she really didn't want to encourage this guy. At the same time, some part of her is kind of titillated by it. I do think that she sounds kind of impulsive and says whatever comes to mind and that's why she's blurted out all the troubling remarks. She's really and truly thinking about him, it, whatever.

The ONLY thing I cannot explain credibly with the 2nd interpretation is the remark she made to you in bed. It's possible that the two things have nothing to do with each other. It's possible that they didn't have sex but she's thinking about it with him anyway. With him. Not with you. So she made up an excuse not to do it that night. That is not a good interpretation. I don't like it any more than, I'm sure, you do, but you  have to consider all possibilities to try and make everything fit together plausibly. 

When the only thing that makes sense is one explanation or the other, then you have to act on it. I tend to think it's the second possibility though neither is good because I AM convinced that sex or no sex, she liked flirting, she liked turning him on and she's still thinking about it.

So what I would do if I were you would be to ask her why she said that in bed that night about you're being uncomfortable and tell her why it bothers you and what you're worried about. I would tell her that I can tell she has mixed feelings about the guy and what happened. Although you don't like that very much, you understand it can happen and think it would be much better for the two of you if she'd tell you how she's feeling. And THEN you watch her like a hawk. If she hems and haws, looks away, you've got a problem. It's important - if she is semi-innocent in that they didn't have sex - that you let her know you're allowing for dialogue. You're willing to accept these feelings she had  and that it's better to talk about it than for you to notice and brood and worse, for her to fantasize about it.. However, your own reactions to things are as blase and dismissive as hers, so I don't know how much the two of you talk about uncomfortable things. I tend to think not much and you'll just let her give an answer and then go brood about it or ask us. You have to keep talking and, most important, tell her how it makes you feel with the most honesty and clarity you can muster.