Boyfriend blowing hot and cold.

[Anna_T]

Hi there,

So i met a guy this last year and we spent the end of the summer together. Then he had to move for work and we didnt see each for a couple of months. And for the holidays he invited me to come and spend it with his family. I had met them before and we did get on.

So I have now been 8 days in their house and its too much. He´s still very sweet to me and attentive and I like his family,  but we are arguing about little things and I am seeing a side of him that I havent seen before. He probably too is seeing a side to me that he hasnt seen before. I´m someone who likes to talk things out. He isn´t. 

He told me  at day 2 that he doesnt want us to continue that the main thing that draws him to me is the physical. But that he thinks we´re very incompatible.

Our original plan for after the holidays was for me to follow him to the city where he´s working. Now he says he doesnt want that. So I have made other plans. But then yesterday he says he has made a mistake and does want to be with me.  So now I dont know what to do.

I dont think I will change my plans back again, but I dont know if I want to continue a relationship with him. It wouldnt always be long distance as this job is only for another 3 months.

Any thoughts?

I am 41 and he is 38. 

thanks!

[ExpatInItaly]

There is no way I'd move to a new city for a guy I'd dated such a short time, let alone one who basically told me he just wants sex now - and then changed his mind days later. 

Sorry OP, but you can't rely on this man. It would be foolish to continue this relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Anna_T said:

He told me  at day 2 that he doesnt want us to continue that the main thing that draws him to me is the physical. But that he thinks we´re very incompatible.

Our original plan for after the holidays was for me to follow him to the city where he´s working. Now he says he doesnt want that.

Unfortunately it seems like there are a lot of incompatibilities.  He seems indifferent and conflicted. Don't jump through hoops for someone you barely know, is pushing you away and admits to using you only for physical reasons.

[d0nnivain]

What do you want to do? 

I'd kind of let it ride for the next 3 months to see what happens when his job ends but the fact that this is more about the physical for him & he thinks you are incompatible tells me that unless the sex is fantastic & you are not inclined to make the effort to replace him there is no reason to stick it out. 

[Watercolors]

Well OP, you had a week with your long distance guy, and he flat out told you that he felt you were incompatible and that the only reason he’s truly attracted to you, is for your physical appearance (what an insult, by the way). Those two pieces of information should be enough for you to RUN the other direction. 

Why would you give up your life to move to a new city for a man who just told you he only likes you for your physical appearance and deep down doesn’t think you two are compatible? Even though he flip flopped about the incompatibility issue afterward, that’s because what he’s really saying is that he’d miss the sex with you. 

I’m sorry but this sounds like a toxic connection between you two. The arguing and nitpicking after spending just 8 days together is NOT a good sign at all. If you moved there, and spent more time with him, you’d likely be constantly arguing with each other. 

I’d just walk away from this guy. He’s not right for you. Stay put where you live, keep your job, keep your social circle and dump him. There are so many red flags in your first post OP, that tells me this is NOT a real love connection and if you stay involved with him, he will only make you miserable. Walk away. Be disappointed that this connection didn’t work out, but there are too many negatives and not enough positives for you to even consider continuing to invest your time and energy in this guy. 

Edited January 1, 2021 by Watercolors

[ShyViolet]

Nope.  When he told you that he thinks you two are incompatible and he doesn't want you to follow him, you need to believe him.... because THAT'S the real truth.  Him backtracking and saying that he made a mistake isn't nearly enough for you to turn your life upside down for this guy and move to a new city.  This guy doesn't sound that into you, and it sounds like you two are not compatible.  Trust your gut and end this.

Edited January 1, 2021 by ShyViolet

[Anna_T]

So many thanks for all these responses. 

Today I dropped him off at the train station. We spent the holidays together and it was pretty much the same the whole time. Hot and cold. The hot usually prior to him wanting sex.

It´s sad though and I feel a bit of an idiot that I didn´t really see what was going on. 

We have said that we will keep in touch, but I agree with everything that has been said here.

Thanks

[Watercolors]

7 minutes ago, Anna_T said:

So many thanks for all these responses. 

Today I dropped him off at the train station. We spent the holidays together and it was pretty much the same the whole time. Hot and cold. The hot usually prior to him wanting sex.

It´s sad though and I feel a bit of an idiot that I didn´t really see what was going on. 

We have said that we will keep in touch, but I agree with everything that has been said here.

Thanks

It’s a new year - out with the old, in with the new. Get rid of this guy. Please. 

I’m glad that you have come to the realization that he’s not the right person for you. Because anyone who acts hot (to entice sex) and cold (to keep you at a distance emotionally) is NOT compatible with you. 

It’s ok to be sad. You gave this connection ample time and learned that it wasn’t a good fit after all. New year. New guy. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You gotta figure out what YOU want. You could be scared to say "Yes, you want to try again." Or you might be scared to say, "Nope. I'm done." 

Either way, you have to get clear. If you can't, you really don't have any business dating someone. But I think you can answer. The problem is you can't sort feelings from thoughts. I was like that through much of my life. I couldn't even tell when I was happy because half the time I was in relationship I thought I SHOULD be happy or I MUST be happy. Now, I can easily tell if I want to be in a relationship. Why? Because the "yes" feeling is a slam dunk. If "yes" is not an overwhelming slam dunk, then the answer I feel is no. 

Maybe this helps: if you didn't care what anyone thought of you, including him and if you weren't worried about anyone looking down on your decision., what would you probably do?