Michsoul Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Hi, my mind is all in a brain fog as the heart is ruling at the moment. Need some help please. I have been dating a man since June last year. I feel in love and so did he and we started going out for dinners etcc... A month later we had our first kiss and I was hooked. The next evening he told me that he was married. I felt heartbroken. I reduced contact as I didn´t feel comfortable dating someone married. I have been divorced for several years and was single all this time. He kept texting me and we went for more dinners and kissing for another 2 months. Couldnt stay away from each other. He told me all the time how much he loved me. In September it happended and we ended up having sex. I didnt feel good after but he kept telling me that he feels nothing for his wife anymore and has no physical relationship with her. He said he loved me more than anything and wants to be with me. During those months I have only ever seen him once or twice a week for a few hours. I became unhappy and set him an ultimatum...I stopped seeing him while he tried to sort things at home, he has 2 grandchildren and 2 daughters. 4 Weeks later on the date we agreed, he just begged for 2 more weeks,,,anyway after that he still hasn´t sorted anything but keeps saying he loves me. I made a decision and sent him back to his wife telling him to make up and stay with the family as his love for wasnt strong enough. Weeks later he came back....begging to see me again. And the wholce circle started again. Beginning of December he said he wont be able to see my during xmas and new year but in 2021 we start again. Great!! The last 2 weeks have been hell for me. He is in contact but the family always come first. I so feel like and option and like an idiot. I have never spent a whole day with him and never a whole night. But somehow with all his calls, meetings, texts, he is bombarding me with lovestatments. Also, its not the sex he is after...it only happened on a view occasions. He has difficulties breaking away as he will be seen a a traitor and his older daughter blackmails him for not seeing the grandchildren anymore he told me. I dont know what to belive anymore. Cant see it. Now he wants to start fresh with me...do I wait and see if anything chnages (again!)? Or shall I leave now? Cant believe I am so hooked...normally I am very confident and strong. Thanks..... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 45 minutes ago, Michsoul said: he told me that he was married. I felt heartbroken. Sorry to hear this. You need to cut your losses to prevent further headaches and heartaches. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) How many fresh starts are you going to give this man before you accept the fact that he is not going to leave his wife for you? As they say, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, time and again, while expecting a different result. And as Dr Phil says, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I’m sorry, but you have no ability to assert a healthy boundary with this man. To be honest, I’m not sure why. Why would you want a man who could lie to not one, but two women, this way? What is it about this man that is so special, that you are willing to throw all reason and self control out the window... Edited January 1, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michsoul Posted January 1, 2021 Author Share Posted January 1, 2021 thanks! Good question!! Feel I have been brain washed...You could be so right! I need to get a grip! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 4 hours ago, Michsoul said: o I wait and see if anything chnages (again!)? Nope, because it's not going to. And even if he suddenly left his wife and came to you? You'd never be able to trust him. He's awful, a terrible partner. You can be sure he's lied to you many time, and you can be sure he's done this before. Your "happily ever after" is not this man. It would be a miserable relationship, and he'd likely wind up cheating on you, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michsoul Posted January 1, 2021 Author Share Posted January 1, 2021 It´s hard hearing that...but I NEED to!! I need my brain back as too confused! Thanks for your input! I have to concentrate on building myself up again and end this. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Based on your nick are you man or woman?If you are man i cant advice you on gay stuff. Eitherway ifbsomeone is single,the moment you know you need to cut him /her of,much more if he lied to you that he is single. That must anger you to leave. He is taken, he built a life long time with his family,he not gonna leave them for someone he just met. This married people cheat and use you just. Stop being use.Date single people. Block him.move on.learn from this and take responsability for the part you played in this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michsoul Posted January 1, 2021 Author Share Posted January 1, 2021 I am a woman 🙂 . Blocked him and he always found ways to get hold of me. Outside the school I work, outside my house when he knows I am leaving, letterbox...always telling me how much the loves me and needs to see me and after 15 min dissapears again. why the hell....does he do that? Its not sex he is after. Odd...but weired...that confuses me. but ots not healthy. I need to ignore and walk away...thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 29 minutes ago, Michsoul said: Blocked him and he always found ways to get hold of me. Again, he’s a terrible partner. He completely disrespects your wishes. That’s a deal breaker. Quote Outside the school I work, outside my house when he knows I am leaving, letterbox...always telling me how much the loves me and needs to see me and after 15 min dissapears again. You know this isn’t love right. He may say he loves you, but he’s done NOTHING to demonstrate that - he lies to you, disrespects you, and he has chosen his wife and family - time and again. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JSmith123 Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 55 minutes ago, Michsoul said: I am a woman 🙂 . Blocked him and he always found ways to get hold of me. Outside the school I work, outside my house when he knows I am leaving, letterbox...always telling me how much the loves me and needs to see me and after 15 min dissapears again. why the hell....does he do that? Its not sex he is after. Odd...but weired...that confuses me. but ots not healthy. I need to ignore and walk away...thanks! You already know what you need to do. You are the one with the power to do it, so stop wasting this short life we have on Earth and just do what needs to be done, no excuses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Dump him. And lose the naievete. Of course, he's going to tell you he's not happy at home. No one sleeping on their spouse is going to tell the other partner that they are completely happy at home. Well ... occasionally people will fess up to just wanting a connection of lust. But this guy is using the old formula of telling the woman that he's unhappy at home. You're being pulled in--just as the script predicts--by feeling that maybe he'll leave her. Maybe he's unhappy. He can be happy with me. That's all a part of a con. He never had any plans to leave his wife. And he keeps coming back to you because he wants sex. And he will lie and say anything to get you to agree to more sex. You find out someone is married--stop! Period. No if's or but's. Proceed with a married person only if you are ready for heartache, neglect, disappointment, waiting, self-doubting--and a bunch of lies. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Older guys rarely if ever leave their wife for their OW of their own volition. He may be looking for validation, excitement, affection or just plain sex from you, but what he is NOT looking for is a new wife. He has far too much to lose and he knows it. He will only limp over to you if she kicks his butt out of the door and even then he will spend a lot of his time trying to get her to take him back. Telling you he loves you is easy and he, like a lot of MM knows women are suckers for all that romantic twaddle. Time to take stock and free yourself, so you can go find a man who is available. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michsoul Posted January 2, 2021 Author Share Posted January 2, 2021 I did it!! I finished it. He turned up and already said that he only has 1.5 hours, not the planned whole afternoon. I was upset and lost it (something I never done before) in the middle of the street. He cried and cried but I stayed strong. I got a new phone number too.....now healing needs to be done in a big way. Thank you all for helping me see things clearer!! x 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 Keep posting here. There will be some ups and downs ahead. Stay on the path to ending things with him so you'll regain your sanity and peace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michsoul Posted January 5, 2021 Author Share Posted January 5, 2021 third day of no contact.... its so hard at times....but staying strong.... little steps... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 5 hours ago, Michsoul said: third day of no contact.... its so hard at times....but staying strong.... little steps... Well done, keep going its the only way. xo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 15 hours ago, Michsoul said: third day of no contact.... its so hard at times....but staying strong.... little steps... Good work, OP. This man is horrible. "Love" doesn't mean the same thing to him that it does to you, and he won't ever provide you the sort of love and relationship you're looking for. Once you get past the initials pangs of desire for his attention, you'll realize that "love" means little when it comes from such a toxic source. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michsoul Posted January 6, 2021 Author Share Posted January 6, 2021 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Good work, OP. This man is horrible. "Love" doesn't mean the same thing to him that it does to you, and he won't ever provide you the sort of love and relationship you're looking for. Once you get past the initials pangs of desire for his attention, you'll realize that "love" means little when it comes from such a toxic source. thanks!!! That was NOT love. needed reminding 🙂 .....I will carry on with my healing !! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 On 1/1/2021 at 10:39 AM, Michsoul said: ...... I dont know what to belive anymore. Cant see it. Now he wants to start fresh with me....... You know what to believe. You are his side chick. Period. If he wants a fresh start... then you need to see the divorce papers. Otherwise... it's still all just a lie. But them again... he's obviously a cheater. Do you want to be in that loop? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Search4twinflame Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 On 1/1/2021 at 3:41 PM, Michsoul said: I am a woman 🙂 . Blocked him and he always found ways to get hold of me. Outside the school I work, outside my house when he knows I am leaving, letterbox...always telling me how much the loves me and needs to see me and after 15 min dissapears again. why the hell....does he do that? Its not sex he is after. Odd...but weired...that confuses me. but ots not healthy. I need to ignore and walk away...thanks! I think it would help you a lot to look around at other threads here on the forums. You'll see countless others in similar circumstances as yours. You'll also see why all of us are warning you to RUN. I dealt with my own situation like this, just a little different. She kept assuring me her marriage was over and that she was only living with him until she could find a new job and kick him out. She would tell me all the time how much she wants a future with me, how great things are with us, how it is 100% done with her husband, etc. All lies. After months of being led on, I realized I was being fed TONS of lies just to be used on the side. But in the end, like 99% of these situations, she ended up staying with her husband. A few things I wanted to add about your personal circumstances: 1) You say "he always found ways to get hold of me." You might want to change that to "I kept allowing him to contact me." A person can't communicate with you unless you reciprocate. Communication is two ways - you always have the option to cut it off. If you truly wanted to, you could tell him that if the showing up at your house and work continues, you will file a restraining order. Or even better yet, tell him you will show up at HIS house, perhaps have a long chat with his wife. So, let's be honest here, you COULD cut him off, you're just choosing not to. 2) You have reiterated multiple times "its not the sex he is after." No matter how many times you say it, you're not going to convince anyone of that. That is EXACTLY what he is after. That and some excitement on the side of his marriage, but remember it's on the SIDE. That is all you are - a gap filler for what's missing in his marriage. At the end of the day, he goes home to his WIFE and KIDS. 3) He has given you all these excuses of his kids cutting him off from them, etc. He's feeding BS. For one, if he was truly unhappy in his marriage, the kids would see this clear as day and support the notion of them splitting up. Number two, even if for some ridiculous reason they didn't, if he was truly unhappy with her, he would leave her regardless, knowing his children would forgive him. His kids supposedly trying to force him to stay in a miserable marriage makes zero sense. Sorry, but you are being manipulated and lied to. Keep in mind, this is a man who is fine cheating on his wife with someone else. You really think he is fine lying to her, but not to you? You really think he'd cheat on her, but not you? My advice, like pretty much anyone else that has been in your circumstances, is cut him off. You want to make it real easy? Tell his wife what he's been doing, and send her proof for when he lies about it to her (which he most assuredly will). She deserves to know, and you deserve to see the truth of the matter. That would be the easiest way to nip it in the bud. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 Does he make u happy? do you like being single? With a lover? If so stay who cares about his wife you owe her nothing. People go on about poor wife. You enjoy your life live it to the fullest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 On 1/1/2021 at 3:39 PM, Michsoul said: He has difficulties breaking away as he will be seen a a traitor and his older daughter blackmails him for not seeing the grandchildren anymore he told me Congratulations on going NC I hope you stay strong. I'm just curious, does his family know about the affair? Why would his daughter be blackmailing him about not seeing his grandchildren? Was it because of the time he was spending with you instead of them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michsoul Posted February 7, 2021 Author Share Posted February 7, 2021 On 1/30/2021 at 7:06 AM, Amethyst68 said: Congratulations on going NC I hope you stay strong. I'm just curious, does his family know about the affair? Why would his daughter be blackmailing him about not seeing his grandchildren? Was it because of the time he was spending with you instead of them? Hi, thanks. He told me he explained to his daughter that he is unhappy in the marriage and wished he could go and find someone new. He then got blackmailed (which somehow is understandable in a way). Neverthe less...NC for quite some time now but he is stalking me. Drives past my home quite often. I asked him to stop it or I will tell his wife. Cant put my finger on it but he has ISSUES!! I am staying away!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michsoul Posted February 7, 2021 Author Share Posted February 7, 2021 On 1/30/2021 at 5:40 AM, misspalmy said: Does he make u happy? do you like being single? With a lover? If so stay who cares about his wife you owe her nothing. People go on about poor wife. You enjoy your life live it to the fullest. In the end he didnt make me happy anymore. I am a relationship person...he gave me false hopes. I m done. But I agree, wives who know their husbands cheat all the time I dont feel pity for. They should not put up with it (kids or no kids) the deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 7, 2021 Share Posted February 7, 2021 3 hours ago, Michsoul said: now but he is stalking me. Drives past my home quite often. Get a restraining order. The paperwork will be delivered by a process server and he'll have to explain all that to his wife and family himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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