Derekkr Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) I broke up with my fiance 2 months ago. We haven't had a dialouge since. I've attempted to contact her through email twice, (one time 3 weeks after the break up, and the other 6 weeks after), politely and respectfully. She hasn't responded but continues to monitor me through her mom's instagram page and other bogus accounts. What I can't understand is that if she's so curious and is reeling from this, why doesn't she just lay down arms and have a thoughtful and rational discussion with me about it so we can at least be peaceful and decent? I know that's what she wants deep down. But why must she continue with the game of pride? There's plenty of context here to support the proceeding statement: we still love each other plenty and I know in my heart of hearts she still wants to be in my life and I in hers - even as friends. Why play hard-to-get? How long will this go on for? It's a dangerous game. It's only going to be so long until I have enough of it and give up on the idea of mending anything with her. And the sad part is I know her well enough to know that she's doing this as a form of punishment (it's not rocket science), but it's going to backfire on her if it continues. I have no desire to control her and I accept that I must sit back and let it be. Why not just be honest in the name of love and say how she feels? Why the games? Ladies, what is she thinking?? Insight please? Do you think she'll come around? Edited January 2, 2021 by Derekkr Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 Why would she want to be in the life of a guy who dumped her? Makes zero sense. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Derekkr Posted January 2, 2021 Author Share Posted January 2, 2021 Why would she continue to obsessively monitor the life of the guy who dumped her if she didn't? If she wanted to move on, why look or bother at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Derekkr Posted January 2, 2021 Author Share Posted January 2, 2021 Also, @trident_2020Based on your responses to others, I noticed you have a habit of speaking categorically (i.e. "makes zero sense") Do you have something more profound to add? Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 My guess is that she's working through the rejection one feels when they've been blindsided by the person they thought they were going to spend the rest of their life with. She probably cannot simply turn her feelings off like a spigot and therefore she finds herself keeping tabs on you until such time as she is able to move on with her life, and ultimately find someone new who is a better match for her. Once that happens she won't be stalking your social media and you'll probably never hear from her again. Ex relationship partners typically don't make good friends. Speaking categorically of course. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
maggiemtn Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 As a woman who just got broken up with recently (two year LTR), I want nothing to do with my ex. I still care about him and love him but it’s too painful. I had to delete my social media so I wouldn’t be tempted to look at his. Some people can’t resist the temptation. You’re being a little cruel. You dumped her, but you’re impatient as to why she won’t do this or that. She hasn’t reached out to you, she hasn’t bothered you. Leave her alone. Who cares if she looks at your social media from her mom’s account? If it bothers you, block her mom. Just because two people love each other doesn’t mean it isn’t horribly painful to go through this. You make no mention of her feelings, how she might be processing things, just that you think she’s punishing you. What do you want her to do, come back crying about how sad she is she lost her fiancé? She probably feels like all she has left in this situation is her pride and dignity. Good for her for not giving those up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) With all due respect I think you are the one being a little over-dramatic and playing games here. You claim to "know what she wants deep down" and say that she is "playing hard to get." You seriously need to stop projecting. She just went through a breakup with you and is probably still dealing with the hurt from that. Why don't you just accept the message that she is sending you by NOT replying to both of your attempts to contact her? Her not replying is a clear message that she doesn't want to talk to you. So why not just accept that? And stop over-analyzing the fact that she has still looked at your social media account. Does that really matter? If the woman does not want to talk to you then just leave her alone. The language you are using is rather strange. You feel as though she HAS to stay in contact with you (it's "going to backfire on her" if she doesn't? What on earth does that mean?) She does not HAVE to stay in contact with you. That is simply not the case. It is probably healthier for her to completely cut ties with you and she knows that. She is doing what she feels is best for her. You should respect that. Edited January 2, 2021 by ShyViolet 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 3 hours ago, Derekkr said: I broke up with my fiance 2 months ago. We haven't had a dialouge since. Sorry to hear that. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? No contact is common after break-ups as a tool to reflect and heal in peace. She should have deleted and blocked you from all her social media and messaging apps rather than scan any of your social media indirectly. Perhaps you are blocked on email. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 I'm going to take a stab in the dark and assume this wasn't the healthiest of relationships. The dynamic here sounds...off. Why did you break up with her, and how long had you been dating? Have there been other break-ups before? What sort of problems existed between you two? How old are you both? Answering those questions will give us more context and perhaps enable us to better answer your questions about what she's doing now. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 12 hours ago, Derekkr said: . What I can't understand is that if she's so curious and is reeling from this, why doesn't she just lay down arms and have a thoughtful and rational discussion with me about it so we can at least be peaceful and decent? Do you think she'll come around? If by come around, do you mean will you two get back together? I doubt it. Even if you did, that is probably not a great idea. Presumably you broke off the engagement for valid reasons. Assuming those reasons still exist, there is not point in going back to something that wasn't working. She still monitors your social media through her mom's account because she can. If you want that to stop, you need to block her access. There is no reason for you to stay "friends" with her family. If she had the ability to have a "thoughtful and rational discussion" with you about the relationship, odds are you never would have broken up. She looks because part of her misses what once was -- the dream of marriage. Such longing is not a good reason to reconcile because it does not address any of the things that broke you up. Nostalgia fixes nothing. She may also be looking to remind herself of the valid reasons you broke up, in essence fueling the fire to keep her strong & apart from you. She may have a morbid curiosity wanting to see if you have gone out & hooked up with somebody else. You can be peaceful & decent. Nothing is preventing that. All that's required is when you see her out & about, you nod curtly in greeting, give a tight closed mouth smile, say hello & move along. Peaceful & decent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 13 hours ago, Derekkr said: It's only going to be so long until I have enough of it and give up on the idea of mending anything with her. Sounds like you broke up with her thinking it would generate a certain reaction from her and she'd come back begging. It's over, if she wanted to be with you she would have replied to you already. Accept it and move on. No, it's better to not be friends, it will only prevent both of you to move on properly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 With the post you have made, I say she will be better off in the long run with out you. She might not realize it yet but you breaking everything off is the best thing that could happen to her. She will hopefully find someone that won’t play games like you did. Just leave her be. Like others have said, she will stalk your account until she is over the fact that you turned her life upside. She is checking your accounts to see if it was because of another girl that you might of left her for. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) I agree that people can "cyber-stalk" without a real intent of getting back together, for a variety of reasons, such as to see what you might be posting about them (if anything), curiosity about how long progress towards a new relationship might be taking (to help them understand how to "interpret" the breakup), etc. Edited January 2, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 People can NOT be friends after breaking up. I'm friends with one of my exes and it took years before we could become friends. Actually a decade is more accurate. A decade of keeping distance and talking maybe once a year. Here's what friends means. Friends means your ex can call you and talk all about how she's feeling about the guy who dumped her. (Oh wait. That's you!) Friends means she can call you and tell you about that cute sexy guy she saw recently, who's showing some interest, and she can bounced off you her feelings about maybe getting sexual with this guy. Now, are you ready for that? And from her side, it's not good for her to seek support from you, because she will get hooked back into you romantically. That's why you have to stay away after a breakup, because the other person says "nice shoes" to us and all of a sudden we have fantasies that maybe they'll take us back! Breaking up is a process by which we stop being deeply dependent on the opinions and reactions of our former partner. We stop being attached to the approval of the other person. So they didn't like x quality we have, during a breakup, you can decide, well too bad. I like x quality. That he didn't appreciate this quality is his loss. I'm moving on to someone who will appreciate this. Getting to this place requires staying away from the ex for long enough that our reflex desire to get their approval basically dies. For her to treat you as a friend would be self-destructive, and a contradiction in terms. You cannot be her friend in any kind of healthy way. And she can't be a friend to you. Are you feeling guilty? If so, you can relax. Without any help from you, she'll recover and move on and heal and live and date someone else, break up with them, date again and have her life. Getting crushed in romance is temporary and non-fatal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 Odds are that you'll fade from each other's lives but if you want to be on "good terms" your safest best is by respecting each other's need for physical and emotional distance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 Who says it is her who is monitoring you? Her MOM may be monitoring you, to glean some info on you to make sure you stay away from her daughter... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
primer Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 She doesn't like you because you dumped her. Leave her alone. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 9 hours ago, primer said: She doesn't like you because you dumped her. Yes. She may literally hate you with a vengeance. You cannot dump people and then assume they will be happy and grateful to take you back. Most won't, as the trust is gone and who really wants to be with someone who is not "all in"? Love is not unconditional, you dumped her and caused her to suffer hurt and pain. That can kill love stone dead. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Derekkr Posted January 4, 2021 Author Share Posted January 4, 2021 On 1/2/2021 at 2:47 AM, ExpatInItaly said: I'm going to take a stab in the dark and assume this wasn't the healthiest of relationships. The dynamic here sounds...off. Why did you break up with her, and how long had you been dating? Have there been other break-ups before? What sort of problems existed between you two? How old are you both? Answering those questions will give us more context and perhaps enable us to better answer your questions about what she's doing now. Glad you asked. Yes, context is essential. I'm going to answer your questions in the order your asked them: I broke up with her because I found out she was married to another woman and concealed it for a year from me, which made it impossible to to even legally go through with marrying her in the first place. We were dating for 6 months, engaged for the last 6. There was also a few fundamental issues that had me concerned; her father is apparently a convicted criminal as are her father's kids from his first marriage. One was convicted of rape and sentenced to 15 years, the other for being a triple offender drunk driver. I do NOT blame her for her father's issues and drama, but she didn't seem to posses the ability or will to create a boundary to stop them from interfering or their problems leaking into our relationship. She's also terribly inexperienced when it comes to practical matters such as money. (that I can deal with the easiest). She's 26f. I'm 36m. A few other helpful pieces of info: when I found out, I felt violated and I felt like it was the diametrical opposite of real intimacy because she didn't have the courage to tell me the truth. She was afraid to tell me because she thought I would break up with her for it. But the sad part is I broke up with her because she LIED about it instead of disclosing it. Also, her marriage to the other woman was an attempt to get this other woman citizenship in the U.S. for the purpose of receiving college grants. Not only is it fraudulent, but it's also unethical. That really irked me. I KNOW her heart. I know she was being idealistic and didn't mean harm. But the lie of her being married was hard and my family was flabbergasted I still love her. I know the feeling is mutual. But perhaps it was bad timing in our lives. I am adult enough to accept it's over, I made the choice to break up, and to let it be. But I DO know her well, and I am certain that this is becoming a game to her. I know it will eventually fade and PERHAPS she'll reach out. If I'm being forthright, I do love her VERY much and for plenty good reasons. I can't stand to live my life on bad terms with her. I realize that moving on and accepting the reality has to come from within me. HOWEVER, can you still objectively give me some insight on what she's thinking now that you have details. Interested to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) You don’t know that and it seems like all signs are pointing to she does not want to speak to you right now. You should respect that. It goes beyond what you want. It’s very likely you guys can’t be on good terms at the moment. Perhaps, you never can. Speaking as someone who also broke off with a fiancé, I could never be so selfish as to think that it was just about me and what I wanted. The relationship didn’t work out. Give them the space that they need and move tf on. Edited January 4, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 8 minutes ago, Derekkr said: But I DO know her well, and I am certain that this is becoming a game to her. I know it will eventually fade and PERHAPS she'll reach out. This is the part of your post that stands out to me and seems out of line. You are certain that this is becoming a "game" to her? What does this mean? You tried to contact her and she's not answering. How is that "playing games" on her part? Why can't you just accept that she doesn't want to talk to you and is trying to move on from the breakup? Who are you to say that it's "wrong" of her to choose not to respond to you? Maybe not being in contact with you is what she has decided is best for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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