How do You Stop CARING. LDR

[Mista Luna]

Dear Viewers, 

Hi! I hope everyone's staying safe and happy!

Long story hopefully short:

I met this person (we'll call him Tom) in September of last year through a creative writing platform. Over time we got closer through character development, revisions, etc. until irl things were brought up, and viewpoints/pictures were shared. We found that the other shared very similar perspectives and was just as mature and open minded, so I became emotionally attached. If that weren't enough, some sort of sexually charged rivalry started between the two of us, and the dynamic became quite...active as well. We were both attracted and comfortable until we had an argument in October.

He had gotten high while talking to me, and while I am normally nonchalant about certain habits, I had a bit of a bad experience from it due to a past toxic relationship. When I proceeded to confront him about it, he told me he didn't see why I should feel disrespected because he got high. At that point, I honestly shouldn't have asked in the first place: it's always a choice for me to ignore him and set my boundaries without confrontation, but I snapped, and proceeded to show aggression. (Not cursing, just being condescending. I wanted him to admit his fault. :') ) He got hurt from my anger, and I got hurt from his initial reason of reaction. 

Being recklessly impulsive, I left the conversation. After a while, I decided that perhaps this relationship--whatever it was--was worth trying to compromise for despite the obstacle at hand, so I went back to see if I could work out a compromise through communicating what happened and explanations from both sides. Lots of excuses and lots of never ending roundabouts later, we decided on distance. He told me he wanted space to think about it and was not talking to anybody on. So, for 3 months I waited, sent the occasional supportive/holiday message, and hung around. He never responded to my messages, and was plenty active with his profile/friends. I got hurt, and by the end of 3 months in, I told him I had had enough and was leaving because I felt oddly played with. Like I was the only person trying to work through the obstacle. 

He pulled me back with a bit of a sincere string of messages, saying he had never intended for it to be like that. We talked about what we wanted in this relationship and left it at non-defining, just to see where it went, with romantic innuendo. I gave in and stayed, only to be ghosted for a week after a few days of talking. (I told him I'd be gone for a week, to no acknowledgement, even after 1 week went by) I got mad, and let him know. He kept asking how he could fix it, and whatnot. His reason being he was incredibly busy with work, and got into a rather solitude/dark mood. I think he did make an effort to appease me, and did work on trying to be consistent. 

Now we're here, and, while it's only been 3 days, I find myself growing anxious about his absence yet again. Looking back on the conversations, he does provide in depth and thoughtful responses, so I guess it's most likely work related, and not that he's completely disinterested. I don't like feeling like this, but it is only the 3rd-ish week getting back into this thing. Is this what's supposed to happen? I know that he has no obligation to reply, but we both promised that we would make an equal effort. It feels like I'm the only one initiating things and still the only one trying to work things out, though he provides genuine enough responses to them. I think I might burn out, but I want to see where this goes in 3 months, no matter how tedious, or heart breaking, or hard it might be. 

Are there any tips for how to stop caring so much? Or how to not burn out? Or if I should stop caring at all? I'm a bit confused, lost, and worried. ^^

 

Many thanks,

Mista Luna

[Wiseman2]

Have you ever met in person? If someone is causing you distress, it's best to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Unfortunately you continued the conversation while he was getting high, when you should have terminated it. 

If people have annoying habits, you can't change or fix them, you simply need to decide if that frustration is worth it.

[Emilie Jolie]

Hi Mista Luna

I'm sorry you're in this predicament. LDR / space

 and caring are such a difficult combination to balance out at the best of times, and much cudos to you for at least giving it an earnest try.

I'll say this backstory is a bit familiar to me (but also completely different, because his fake name isn't Tom). That's by the by at this point - I just wanted you to know I relate a little bit 🙂.

The below is what sticks out to me:

3 hours ago, Mista Luna said:

He had gotten high while talking to me, and while I am normally nonchalant about certain habits, I had a bit of a bad experience from it due to a past toxic relationship

 The bolded explains it some.

Yes, you have major communication problems and your emotional responses to his distancing himself / work issues / drug taking / whatever are a bit nuts, all over the place and counterproductive (sorry) though I can see your point - a non defined relationship with a romantic innuendo is a bit of a no-man's land. 

Also, this sounds like it might be a trigger for you because of your past traumatic relationship? Btw, I don't want to be insensitive by bringing up unnecessary past events - I'm only mentioning it because you did.

I think you need to be careful about the next step you take, at least for your mental and emotional well being. 

3 hours ago, Mista Luna said:

I want to see where this goes in 3 months, no matter how tedious, or heart breaking, or hard it might be. 

What's happening in 3 months time? 

3 hours ago, Mista Luna said:

if I should stop caring at all?

It's an option worth considering.

This level of anxiety is not a great sign getting into the new year. You want this to be a fun experience!

I think enjoy the creative writing part and don't worry too much about what he says or does. Sounds like he's a busy guy with conflicting priorities, so take it easy and let things unfold (or not) at their own pace. I personally would take a major step back, leave it as low pressure as possible for you both, and redefine this as a 'working partnership with a guy you have some stuff in common with'. Meanwhile, live your life and let him live his.

Good luck!

Edited January 2, 2021 by Emilie Jolie

[Mista Luna]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you ever met in person? If someone is causing you distress, it's best to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Unfortunately you continued the conversation while he was getting high, when you should have terminated it. 

If people have annoying habits, you can't change or fix them, you simply need to decide if that frustration is worth it.

I haven't! And, I think that's the rather ambiguous part haha. And yeah...I didn't do a good job of respecting my own boundaries, or making a concrete decision of deciding if that frustration is worth it, as you say. Thank you for your advice, it's nice seeing it said outside of my head! 

[Emilie Jolie]

3 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

I haven't!

I missed that part, sorry. You mentioned 'irl' in your OP, so assumed you had.

Never mind. Advice still stands though - if you're still ok doing the creative writing part, it's all good - no?

[Mista Luna]

4 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Hi Mista Luna

I'm sorry you're in this predicament. LDR / space

 and caring are such a difficult combination to balance out at the best of times, and much cudos to you for at least giving it an earnest try.

I'll say this backstory is a bit familiar to me (but also completely different, because his fake name isn't Tom). That's by the by at this point - I just wanted you to know I relate a little bit 🙂.

The below is what sticks out to me:

 The bolded explains it some.

Yes, you have major communication problems and your emotional responses to his distancing himself / work issues / drug taking / whatever are a bit nuts, all over the place and counterproductive (sorry) though I can see your point - a non defined relationship with a romantic innuendo is a bit of a no-man's land. 

Also, this sounds like it might be a trigger for you because of your past traumatic relationship? Btw, I don't want to be insensitive by bringing up unnecessary past events - I'm only mentioning it because you did.

I think you need to be careful about the next step you take, at least for your mental and emotional well being. 

What's happening in 3 months time? 

It's an option worth considering.

This level of anxiety is not a great sign getting into the new year. You want this to be a fun experience!

I think enjoy the creative writing part and don't worry too much about what he says or does. Sounds like he's a busy guy with conflicting priorities, so take it easy and let things unfold (or not) at their own pace. I personally would take a major step back, leave it as low pressure as possible for you both, and redefine this as a 'working partnership with a guy you have some stuff in common with'. Meanwhile, live your life and let him live his.

Good luck!

Dear Emilie,

First off, thank you for your response, I'm glad this isn't an entirely alien situation!  

I do find myself struggling to communicate and keep my hypersensitivity in check--in-person and online--because I don't like being vulnerable towards anybody by being the person to reach out. I find that perhaps it's because of said past relationship that it's hard for me to not overthink my actions. I really am looking for ways to communicate better, and be less emotionally aggressive when I am unable to communicate my point. Do you have any tips? 

As for the trigger part, it might well be. I thought I'd managed to heal from it, given that I no longer harbor regret for the past, or am rooted by that person anymore. I guess it still hasn't escaped my mind yet, as hard as I might try. And, no worries, I did mention it first! I appreciate your feedback. 

And, I know, but I don't really know how to go about it, because I struggle with coming to terms with the fact that I might care too much, especially having not met him before, and this might not be one of those "if I try hard enough I can make it work" situations. 

I gave myself 3 months to see if this "waiting for 3 months", and all the insistent pushes I made was worth it all. I don't want to repeat my past, and I sure as hell don't want to give this poor man a hard time with things that are not mutual. We started as friends, and I'm not sure if I can go back to being that. It's selfish of me to push levels of intimacy on him that he might not be able to take, and selfish towards myself by leading myself on in the process. 

Yeah, I got the notion haha. I don't believe he is emotionally available either, which, might not be for me. Ahh, I'm an incredibly impatient person, but I definitely see your points. And they're good ones! How do you mean low pressure? Is it airing the conversation and making it less frequent? Or more so being more small talk?

Thank you for your time,

Mista Luna

[Mista Luna]

18 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I missed that part, sorry. You mentioned 'irl' in your OP, so assumed you had.

Never mind. Advice still stands though - if you're still ok doing the creative writing part, it's all good - no?

I would be, yes! But we've never really mentioned the creative writing part ever since re-entering the conversation. ^^ Perhaps it's because he's a busy person right now, and doesn't have enough time. I guess that's why the focus is a bit more narrow-minded now haha! 

[Emilie Jolie]

8 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

Do you have any tips? 

Nope! I do have that communication issue online and am actively trying to learn how to be more like my usual offline self (also being hyper sensitive to the pandemic, which is not helping) but I hear you on the 'not showing vulnerability' front. Trial and error I suppose, and hoping you are surrounded by understanding people.

It's good to be self-aware, I would say - good first step!

11 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

First off, thank you for your response, I'm glad this isn't an entirely alien situation!

Quite common, I'm sure! It doesn't need to be in a 'romantic' setting either - could be in a 'professional environment', like when your 'mentor' goes AWOL for weeks on end with no warning and you have no real clue how the place works / you need support or assurances you're doing things the right way, which can trigger similar insecurities, I guess.

15 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

I gave myself 3 months to see if this "waiting for 3 months", and all the insistent pushes I made was worth it all. I don't want to repeat my past, and I sure as hell don't want to give this poor man a hard time with things that are not mutual. We started as friends, and I'm not sure if I can go back to being that. It's selfish of me to push levels of intimacy on him that he might not be able to take, and selfish towards myself by leading myself on in the process. 

I'm not sure I'm understanding this part, sorry. Don't give yourself any time, 3 months or 3 seconds. If this guy isn't interested, there's nothing you can do about it. If you're both mature adults, you can redefine your relationship to a level you are both comfortable with. Friends is fine, I would say, since nothing is happening anyway.

Difficult to know without knowing what he's thinking but if he's only giving you 'creative writing' cues and his behaviour towards you hasn't changed, then you're sweet to go as you were, I would have guessed.

25 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

How do you mean low pressure? Is it airing the conversation and making it less frequent? Or more so being more small talk?

I mean like normal, casual 'creative writing' chats with no pressure or any innuendo or whatever, as you would talk to a friendly colleague you get on with, I guess?

26 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

I would be, yes! But we've never really mentioned the creative writing part ever since re-entering the conversation. ^^ Perhaps it's because he's a busy person right now, and doesn't have enough time. I guess that's why the focus is a bit more narrow-minded now haha! 

Does it need mentioning at all? Just do your thing, if he's barely there it doesn't matter a massive amount, right? Or am I missing something?

[Mista Luna]

8 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Nope! I do have that communication issue online and am actively trying to learn how to be more like my usual offline self (also being hyper sensitive to the pandemic, which is not helping) but I hear you on the 'not showing vulnerability' front. Trial and error I suppose, and hoping you are surrounded by understanding people.

It's good to be self-aware, I would say - good first step!

Hey! 

Honestly though, that's true. I think trial and error is, in the end the most effective way due to its adjustability in different situations. :')

9 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I'm not sure I'm understanding this part, sorry. Don't give yourself any time, 3 months or 3 seconds. If this guy isn't interested, there's nothing you can do about it. If you're both mature adults, you can redefine your relationship to a level you are both comfortable with. Friends is fine, I would say, since nothing is happening anyway.

Difficult to know without knowing what he's thinking but if he's only giving you 'creative writing' cues and his behaviour towards you hasn't changed, then you're sweet to go as you were, I would have guessed.

Yeah...I can see your point. The thing I feel like I might be worried with is that, this relationship was re-forged based on the fact that I was alright with keeping this relationship open in expectations, which meant being alright with his constant flirtatious innuendo/cues. He told me that he couldn't help it, because he was attracted to my "intellect" and "severity", and asked if I was alright with continuing knowing that. I said that it wasn't a problem. And, we both admitted to enjoying our charged rivalry as well. 

The cues you mentioned are not "creative writing" cues. At least, I don't think so, given that he's slid many such stated romantic remarks in between our conversations. And, he promised to tell me if he had eyes on someone else. Our main areas of conversation have really been revolving around emotions, relationship dynamics, and such. This is the reason I believe he is interested, just busy. I guess all this sincerity with notes of flirtation have really gotten under my skin, because I'm weak to both! XD Though, I do agree, I really need to take a step back. 

18 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Does it need mentioning at all? Just do your thing, if he's barely there it doesn't matter a massive amount, right? Or am I missing something?

Yeah...as I mentioned above, I'm weak towards things I thought I could be strong against. I'm trying to figure out how I should just go about it. Like, if I take that step back, will he take it as a sign of me showing disinterest? If I continue to respond within 12 hours, does it show my overthinking or something I don't want to show? I don't want to be overwhelming, nor do I want to be neglectful. (Though I've never shown the latter, I feel.)  

Thank you for your attentiveness to details!

[Emilie Jolie]

6 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

I'm trying to figure out how I should just go about it. Like, if I take that step back, will he take it as a sign of me showing disinterest? If I continue to respond within 12 hours, does it show my overthinking or something I don't want to show? I don't want to be overwhelming, nor do I want to be neglectful. (Though I've never shown the latter, I feel.)  

Ok but now that reality has set in and we have established that you haven't actually met, it's perhaps worth remembering that it may well be a waste of both your time however you slice it? 

His 'flirting' could be totally innocent on his part and you're reading things that aren't there, or he's playing with you a little bit for his own reasons (an ego boost, most likely), or you are a bit too emotionally invested because as you said, you've not maintained your own boundaries and let things go a bit too far - I don't know the background so I don't want to assume - but either way, communicate with him as you normally would any other friend? If it's professional / friends / not romantic it doesn't matter what vibe you give off, right? I'm normally super quick to reply when it's a kind of work thing because lots of people don't like to wait and it's an efficiency thing for me, but I'm sure nobody at work thinks I'm after them! It's only with a partner / family I take my time because there's less pressure, I guess. I don't know what your pro comm style is but suggest you do that and let him come to his own conclusion? Plus we all have a ton of time on our hands, so not replying in a timely manner sounds a lot like playing games, imo.

I mean enjoy the charged rivalry by all means but, you know, you haven't met...I think dial your expectations right back to as close to zero as possible until then.

27 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

Thank you for your attentiveness to details!

No worries! Birth defect.

[Mista Luna]

8 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Ok but now that reality has set in and we have established that you haven't actually met, it's perhaps worth remembering that it may well be a waste of both your time however you slice it? 

His 'flirting' could be totally innocent on his part and you're reading things that aren't there, or he's playing with you a little bit for his own reasons (an ego boost, most likely), or you are a bit too emotionally invested because as you said, you've not maintained your own boundaries and let things go a bit too far - I don't know the background so I don't want to assume - but either way, communicate with him as you normally would any other friend? If it's professional / friends / not romantic it doesn't matter what vibe you give off, right? I'm normally super quick to reply when it's a kind of work thing because lots of people don't like to wait and it's an efficiency thing for me, but I'm sure nobody at work thinks I'm after them! It's only with a partner / family I take my time because there's less pressure, I guess. I don't know what your pro comm style is but suggest you do that and let him come to his own conclusion? Plus we all have a ton of time on our hands, so not replying in a timely manner sounds a lot like playing games, imo.

I mean enjoy the charged rivalry by all means but, you know, you haven't met...I think dial your expectations right back to as close to zero as possible until then.

No worries! Birth defect.

That's honestly something I needed to hear! And, for sure. That does make sense. I think I'll just back away from this conversation for a time and keep it as lowkey as possible. I don't want to play games, nor do I want to be played, so yeah, keeping it as platonic as possible sounds good. 

I need an expectation reset LMAO. Thanks for this, it really helped to shed insight onto my standing. 

Have a wonderful new years, and I hope things go smoothly for you in life.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/2/2021 at 5:46 AM, Mista Luna said:

Or if I should stop caring at all? 

This. 

All of this angst and stress for some guy you've never met, who doesn't seem to care about you?

Nope. Not worth it. 

[Emilie Jolie]

OP, have you managed to clear the air with your guy one-on-one with nobody else involved? 

[Mista Luna]

On 1/5/2021 at 8:15 AM, Emilie Jolie said:

OP, have you managed to clear the air with your guy one-on-one with nobody else involved? 

Yes, actually! Sorry, for the late reply lmao--

What's happening is that he came back and apologized, explained why he ghosted--and while I honestly think that it was a good sign he came back with reasonable explanations, it's still probably a sign that he doesn't really reciprocate how much I feel towards him. 

We've worked out a "trial" period of 3 months time, meaning that I would let him control the tempo and spontaneity of the conversations. So, he can decide for himself if he is willing to put in the effort to communicate with me, and how much. Then, at the end, we'll discuss what we think is the best path for a future relationship, if at all. This could be ending communications permanently, being distant friends, etc. 

Now...I've got to find a way to distance myself from my emotions. It's once again been 2 days, and he's gone lmfao--I'm not surprised, but I can't allow myself to continue worrying about reply time anymore. It's something I should prolly start working on, haha. 

[Mista Luna]

On 1/4/2021 at 9:28 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

This. 

All of this angst and stress for some guy you've never met, who doesn't seem to care about you?

Nope. Not worth it. 

LMAO--I'm really trying my best to stop caring. Unfortunately, once I've set my eye on someone, it's extremely hard to rip myself off! :') Do you have any tips towards letting go of such things like emotions towards a certain person? 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

What are the chances of actually meeting this man in person in the near future, Mista?

[Emilie Jolie]

^^ That's the only question that matters at this point.

Even if the feelings are real, the connection is real (too real, maybe?), and even if it's fully reciprocated, there needs to be a meet. An actual date, as much as is feasible.

Were it me, I'd want to protect this 'thing', keep it safe, untainted, not say or do anything to jeopardise it, until then. That's how precious this sort of connection would be to me. I wouldn't want the first anything with someone care about that much to be online. That's just how I work, though.

Obviously you have a 3 month review set up with your guy, so you're in a different mindset. 

[Mista Luna]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What are the chances of actually meeting this man in person in the near future, Mista?

Well...I wouldn't say entirely zero to be honest. I might be staying in their state this upcoming fall for education purposes, but it's all so vague. The future is looking too unpredictable at this point. 

[Mista Luna]

48 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

^^ That's the only question that matters at this point.

Even if the feelings are real, the connection is real (too real, maybe?), and even if it's fully reciprocated, there needs to be a meet. An actual date, as much as is feasible.

Were it me, I'd want to protect this 'thing', keep it safe, untainted, not say or do anything to jeopardise it, until then. That's how precious this sort of connection would be to me. I wouldn't want the first anything with someone care about that much to be online. That's just how I work, though.

Obviously you have a 3 month review set up with your guy, so you're in a different mindset. 

I guess so...! 

I agree on that part, I was honestly hoping to fit in the beginnings of face to face meetups via vid call or whatnot in this period to see if it might actually have some sort of possibility of becoming more, in a more tangible sense. I've...had a bit of a history with online complications, so I guess that part of the reason this doesn't phase me is because it's happened before. I'm normally rather seasoned towards these types of situations, (for better or for worse), but this time it was a bit different, more unexpected as to how much I care. Perhaps, this is me trying to see if something positive can come out of caring for somebody online as intimately as I did before. And, as for the preservation of the 'thing', what might you be referring to? Do you mean the situation? 

Yeah, and the 3 month review...I want to stay open minded, but not foolishly hopeful. I feel like you and I might share a similar mindset in the fact that we want to treasure certain 'firsts'. I've made a bit of a standard that:

A) If 'Tom' has not changed in his sporadic tendencies/habits, I'd rather he not flirt with me at all, and simply interact as a friend, or just subside communications completely if he cannot agree to control those particular habits. 

B) If 'Tom' has indeed made a significant effort in communicating/opening up, I'd rather discuss extending the period, or making a move of my own. 

I've found that I don't want to be romantically intimate with this particular person unless he commits with the full intention of trying to become something more than 'ambiguous flirtations'. I think that this conversation has helped me realize that at the very least. :')

[Emilie Jolie]

15 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

I guess so...! 

I agree on that part, I was honestly hoping to fit in the beginnings of face to face meetups via vid call or whatnot in this period to see if it might actually have some sort of possibility of becoming more, in a more tangible sense. I've...had a bit of a history with online complications, so I guess that part of the reason this doesn't phase me is because it's happened before. I'm normally rather seasoned towards these types of situations, (for better or for worse), but this time it was a bit different, more unexpected as to how much I care. Perhaps, this is me trying to see if something positive can come out of caring for somebody online as intimately as I did before. And, as for the preservation of the 'thing', what might you be referring to? Do you mean the situation? 

Yeah, and the 3 month review...I want to stay open minded, but not foolishly hopeful. I feel like you and I might share a similar mindset in the fact that we want to treasure certain 'firsts'. I've made a bit of a standard that:

A) If 'Tom' has not changed in his sporadic tendencies/habits, I'd rather he not flirt with me at all, and simply interact as a friend, or just subside communications completely if he cannot agree to control those particular habits. 

B) If 'Tom' has indeed made a significant effort in communicating/opening up, I'd rather discuss extending the period, or making a move of my own. 

I've found that I don't want to be romantically intimate with this particular person unless he commits with the full intention of trying to become something more than 'ambiguous flirtations'. I think that this conversation has helped me realize that at the very least. :')

Yeah, I guess where we differ massively is on the experience side of things 🙂.

I am normally pretty guarded in the flesh, but I'm like a citadel online - catching feelings completely off guard like this would not be in my comfort zone at all. I feel I would miss too many subtle cues, it feels like people let their imagination run wild and get caught up in too much intangible. I prefer things to develop as organically and as naturally as possible, as though the first meet is actually the first meet. It's a leap of faith for sure (for both parties!), but I prefer that to getting too involved before meeting (which I find infinitely more risky!). 

And yes, I mean the situation, the connection, whatever strange thing is going on.

To your 2 points, I'd also add complete privacy with certain aspects of personal lives...

I support you 100% on the bolded 🙂.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Mista Luna said:

Well...I wouldn't say entirely zero to be honest. I might be staying in their state this upcoming fall for education purposes, but it's all so vague. The future is looking too unpredictable at this point. 

That's precisely why I would let this go. 

What's the point keeping it going when you have no real clue when or even if you would finally meet this guy?  Online pals lose their novelty quickly, as you're discovering. You're already fighting for his attention, and to what end? The likelihood of this staying together without any solid timeline or plans to meet is low. I get that it sucks to feel he's not on the same page, but that's why it's critical not to confuse this sort of thing with dating - and thus not become emotionally attached to a stranger who you don't know you will ever meet. 

The potential is just too low to pin your hopes and heart on. 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/2/2021 at 7:09 AM, Mista Luna said:

I haven't! And, I think that's the rather ambiguous part haha. 

This is a great deal of mental and emotional energy you are putting into someone you've never met.

It seems your emotions are going 1000 miles per hour, but in your head, not in reality.

You seem to have come up with this whole mapped out algorithm on how your relationship with him will go.

Having experience in cyberrelationships is not a plus or a safeguard.

It simply means you live in your mind a lot and need to be both sides of imaginary relationships sort of projected on to a phantom.

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The potential is just too low to pin your hopes and heart on. 

Yes, this. I just realised my posts were a bit too flowery / not blunt enough, but the above was what I meant. No actual firm date from your guy, no emotional investment, no 3 month review (unless you meant on the working side of things, though if your guy is barely there, you should be fine).

 

[Mista Luna]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's precisely why I would let this go. 

What's the point keeping it going when you have no real clue when or even if you would finally meet this guy?  Online pals lose their novelty quickly, as you're discovering. You're already fighting for his attention, and to what end? The likelihood of this staying together without any solid timeline or plans to meet is low. I get that it sucks to feel he's not on the same page, but that's why it's critical not to confuse this sort of thing with dating - and thus not become emotionally attached to a stranger who you don't know you will ever meet. 

The potential is just too low to pin your hopes and heart on. 

That's honestly a good point...

I suppose I only have myself to blame for rendering myself emotionally susceptible in the first place. Perhaps it was because he started to share things that I thought went beyond our original purpose of meeting, that I kindled such a naive hope. I often feel like if I try hard enough, something will change, like I mentioned before, and perhaps you are right in that this is an example of it not happening. 

I've already become invested by waiting for those 3 months, or by trying to re-initiate communication, and though it's incredibly hard to let go, I'm realizing things amongst your points, and starting the beginnings of it. I guess I honestly just need some time and distance away from the platform, and him for that matter, to extinguish these attachments. But the problem is, the longer I'm away, I feel that I may miss something and start overthinking. Do you have any tips for breaking off emotional attachments in a subtle but effective way? 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

 I guess I honestly just need some time and distance away from the platform, and him for that matter, to extinguish these attachments. But the problem is, the longer I'm away, I feel that I may miss something and start overthinking. Do you have any tips for breaking off emotional attachments in a subtle but effective way? 

It's unlikely to work if it's subtle. 

You already gave yourself your own advice: time and distance away from the platform and away from him. It won't necessarily be easy, but there's not much alternative. You probably won't move on if you attempt to keep in touch once in a while, for example. I would forget the 3-month plan to re-evaluate where things are at with him; that's the sort of thing you might do in a real relationship, but not for some random internet dude. You will have to find other things and people around you to occupy your time, away from the internet (or focusing on people you already know in real life, if pandemic restrictions mean your contact is limited to digital platforms for now)

You mentioned this earlier: "I've...had a bit of a history with online complications"

What is the backstory? It seems there might be a pattern here, so I am curious (and with no judgement), have you dated much in real life?