Insecurity kills. How do I forgive myself and kill all hope?

[silv_]

My ex broke up with me last November and ever since then I've been reading a lot on Enotalone and Loveshack. I still read and look for a lot of stories up until now. Sometimes they help, but I know that I can't rely on other people's situations for hope because all relationships are different. It's just comforting I guess. I'm here because I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is so heavy and I'm hurting a lot. 

Our relationship was both bad and good. At first it went pretty well, we got along, and we were best friends before we got together. I never had a connection like this with anyone in my entire life. But we fought a lot. Skipping to the main part, the reason why she broke up with me (according to what she said) was because she lost herself in the relationship, damaged herself too much, and because she said she needed to fix herself because she wasn't ready for a relationship. So basically it was a whole "it's not you, it's me" kind of thing. But I know that's not entirely true. We had a stupid fight before this breakup so I don't think this was necessarily planned but I guess all the fights just built up and it got to her.

I feel bad for everything. I have so many regrets and guilty for everything I did. What did I do? What do I think is the main reason that destroyed our relationship? My insecurity. My insecurity made her insecure. My insecurity made her feel like a villain in the relationship. My insecurity ruined her. Ever since we got together I was always worried if we would last or not. I think what also made me sooo paranoid and anxious was always reading internet articles about ("first loves don't last forever", or "your relationship might have an expiration date", etc.). I was scared of losing her. I was scared she would leave me (she actually did this time lol). At the beginning, she, too, was afraid but she trusted me. She had faith in us. My insecurity also showed up in the forms of my low self-esteem. She found me attractive, hot, and just an amazing person in general but I never believed her. So me calling myself ugly or all that would constantly piss her off and annoy her. Because we had different personalities, I was always scared she would find me boring because we didn't always have the same interests (not entirely true), and I was just scared that we didn't "click" because we were opposites. Honestly, I don't even know. I'm dumb as hell.

Because I was always insecure about whether or not our relationship would last, she told me this made it seem like I didn't trust or I didn't have faith in our relationship. Me always mentioning that "ohh but people say first loves don't last", or "what if you find someone better", would always make her feel bad and that hurt her. I ruined her. She wasn't the type of person who believed in whether or not first loves lasted or not, she was always in the present moment. She would always say "I love you and im with you and that's all that matters". I never focused on the present. I was always so worried about the future. Eventually, after one last fight regarding this "you'll leave me in the future" insecurity, I stopped. I finally stopped on the month before our anniversary. It went well. I did well. I stopped mentioning it and talking about it, but I still had those thoughts but I was controlling it better. But what I didn't realize is that ALL these fights and me being insecure built up within her, so her feeling like a bad person (for me not trusting her) never went away. She held all those feelings for a year. One of the things she mentioned during our breakup was "I guess I'm becoming insecure. I'm not happy with the person I'm becoming."

Of course, she had her faults too. She would always fight me and get mad over small things -- from my bad internet connection to me not getting jokes or the things she says. There are other things but the main problem here was my insecurity. If I wasn't so insecure, if I trusted her, I know like our relationship would've been WAYYYYY better. But I was dumb. We had to go through so many fights because I was so afraid of losing her. And she did. She's gone now. But for some reason, she didn't mention these reasons when we broke up. She said "you've been nothing but good to me" and "im not breaking up with you because youre not good enough, I'm ending this because I need to work on myself." She also mentioned that "maybe our timing is off, maybe now we're not meant to be".  She also thinks she's a bad partner and that she wasnt good enough for me.

Of course, the relationship wasnt all bad. We loved each other so much. She loved me so much, no doubt. I changed a lot of my bad habits to become a better partner for her, I did a lot of changes to myself to suit her needs. I put so much effort in doing my best to become a better person. But the fights never stopped. And i know these could have been avoided if I wasn't so insecure about us.

Now I want to move on. Because I can't fix the past. She said she doesn't know if we'll ever get back together. She told me not to wait for her. How do I forgive myself for hurting her? How do I forgive her for leaving me? After everything she said -- she said she didn't want me gone, she said she doesn't know how she'll continue living her life without me, she said she was scared to lose me. How do I move past this? How do I just accept that what happened, happened?

Kinda funny or interesting that... one of her greatest fears is people leaving her. She, too, was also afraid that I might not stay. I did stay. I stayed because I didn't want to be one of those people who left her life. Now she's the one who left me. Oh well. Gotta respect their decisions to be happy I guess. 

I know reconciliations are rare. Even though part of me continues to read reconciliation and second chance stories and have a bit of hope, I know that she wont come back. I've come to accept the fact that she might not ever come back. Maybe she will, who knows? But everyone on Loveshack knows that we shouldn't cling onto this hope. Part of me wants her back, but like I said, again, she might not look back. I need to move on. It's difficult. I feel bad for everything. I'm so depressed and everything is heavy. I'm not even productive anymore. And we're still in this stupid pandemic. Who knows when we'll see each other again? 

I hope, at least, this will be a lesson for those who need it. Please try your best to fix your insecurity ASAP before it kills your relationship or your partner. Don't worry about the future, don't worry if whether or not first loves, or second loves, last or not. Do your best. Just focus on your partner right now -- choose them in this present moment. If you're always scared you'll lose them, chances are, they will eventually because you don't trust them. They love you and that's all that matters. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. 

First relationships are indeed tough, because we don't yet have a frame of personal reference for it. We don't yet quite know how to navigate the emotions that arise, the interactions with our partners, and so on. But we (usually) learn. And it sounds like you've done plenty of introspection and actually have fairly decent insight into what went wrong, both on your end and hers. 

You are correct that persistent insecurity is draining. It's exhausting to constantly reassure a partner, and it kills attraction. I can speak from experience having once dated a very insecure guy. He wasn't a bad guy, but his very low self-esteem grated on me after a while and made me feel responsible for his happiness. That is a lot of pressure on a person. However, I think you're over-doing it when you say you "ruined' her. That is very unlikely. She is hurt by that, no doubt, but I can almost promise you that it didn't destroy her the way you think it did. She will get over that and be okay. That is also evidenced by the fact that she didn't mention your insecurity when she ended it. I am sure that factored into it, but she was trying to be kind and not hit you over the head with it. It was quite as horrendous for her as you're imagining. It simply chipped away at the relationship and her feelings for you. 

As for forgiving her for leaving, well, it isn't something that requires forgiveness. Forgiveness (to me) implies that someone has done something wrong. Breaking up with you hurts, but it wasn't wrong of her, so to speak. So rather than forgiveness, perhaps aim for understanding. You do seem to comprehend that she wasn't happy and this is what she needed to do for herself, but it will take time to move past the the pain you're feeling as a result. 

One thing I will ask, do you suffer from anxious thoughts in other parts of your life? There was a lot of anxiety on your end here, so I'm wondering if that's something you struggle with in general.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, silv_ said:

 I'm so depressed and everything is heavy. I'm not even productive anymore. And we're still in this stupid pandemic. 

Sorry this happened. Why did she complain about your internet speed? What did she mean by that? How much time have you spent in person?

If it's any consolation, it doesn't matter if it's your first or latest relationship, there are no guarantees. People breakup and get divorced all the time.

The best thing you can do for yourself is see a physician about the depression and get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support to address the underlying anxiety and obsessing.

Talk to trusted friends and family for support. Reengage in your work/school and interests hobbies clubs groups sports and other things.

Round out your life a bit. As she suggested... Work on yourself. 

 

 

 

 

[silv_]

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. 

First relationships are indeed tough, because we don't yet have a frame of personal reference for it. We don't yet quite know how to navigate the emotions that arise, the interactions with our partners, and so on. But we (usually) learn. And it sounds like you've done plenty of introspection and actually have fairly decent insight into what went wrong, both on your end and hers. 

You are correct that persistent insecurity is draining. It's exhausting to constantly reassure a partner, and it kills attraction. I can speak from experience having once dated a very insecure guy. He wasn't a bad guy, but his very low self-esteem grated on me after a while and made me feel responsible for his happiness. That is a lot of pressure on a person. However, I think you're over-doing it when you say you "ruined' her. That is very unlikely. She is hurt by that, no doubt, but I can almost promise you that it didn't destroy her the way you think it did. She will get over that and be okay. That is also evidenced by the fact that she didn't mention your insecurity when she ended it. I am sure that factored into it, but she was trying to be kind and not hit you over the head with it. It was quite as horrendous for her as you're imagining. It simply chipped away at the relationship and her feelings for you. 

As for forgiving her for leaving, well, it isn't something that requires forgiveness. Forgiveness (to me) implies that someone has done something wrong. Breaking up with you hurts, but it wasn't wrong of her, so to speak. So rather than forgiveness, perhaps aim for understanding. You do seem to comprehend that she wasn't happy and this is what she needed to do for herself, but it will take time to move past the the pain you're feeling as a result. 

One thing I will ask, do you suffer from anxious thoughts in other parts of your life? There was a lot of anxiety on your end here, so I'm wondering if that's something you struggle with in general.

 

It really is true that insecurity is draining. I feel bad that I treated her like this.

Also yeah I guess it isn't wrong to leave, especially if you're not happy anymore. I think the reason why I thought it was "wrong" was because of all the promises or the things she said to me. I've been told that people usually only mean things in the moment, not necessarily keeping those promises forever. Earlier in the relationship, she was sure and told me that she wouldn't leave me or that she she wouldn't have the courage to leave me because she loves me so much. She repeated this throughout our entire relationship. Even in our last fight when I was being insecure again, she said "you know I wont leave you just like that so please stop, etc.". And a few days before our breakup she opened up to me (because she was going through something, which I believe contributed to the breakup as well) saying how she feels like she wasn't good enough for me -- she said that she was holding onto this relationship because she didn't want me gone. She said she doesn't know how she'll continue to live or go on without me, and that she has never been afraid of losing anything or anyone in her life. Lastly, she said she tried to make me hate her just so I can end it because she told me she could never do that. (but she did)

And during the breakup she said she didnt want us to end, but she believes that this is what we need now. So I guess it's because of everything she said and that made me feel betrayed and I was angry because in a way, I felt like she was a hypocrite because she HATED the people who left HER and was always afraid of people leaving her. 

 

Regarding my insecurity, I know for a long time I have always been insecure. I've always compared myself to those better than me and maybe it started when I had to transfer schools when I was younger because I wasn't doing well and everyone was ahead of me? That and when I began my passion for music, I always compared myself to those better and that negative mindset I had killed me. I'm not like that anymore though. But I guess when it comes to relationships -- she was my first love and I wanted her badly (I was desperate at that time to be loved, my bad lmao) and when she became mine, I was so scared to lose such an amazing person and because I wasn't her type at first or because I wasn't her "ideal partner", I was scared she'd leave me for someone better. I never believed someone actually loved me for who I was. And honestly, I'm not that attractive - I'm just average. And I know that for a long time, I was always insecure about my physical appearance because if I was ugly, no one was gonna love me. So I was surprised she even found me attractive (she probably doesn't anymore because I messed up this relationship). Also, me reading stuff on the internet like "first loves don't last", "your relationship might have an expiration date", "10 signs your relationship might not last", etc. definitely contributed to my anxiety even more. I shouldn't have done that. I should stop reading those...

Long reply sorry!

[silv_]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Why did she complain about your internet speed? What did she mean by that? How much time have you spent in person?

If it's any consolation, it doesn't matter if it's your first or latest relationship, there are no guarantees. People breakup and get divorced all the time.

The best thing you can do for yourself is see a physician about the depression and get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support to address the underlying anxiety and obsessing.

Talk to trusted friends and family for support. Reengage in your work/school and interests hobbies clubs groups sports and other things.

Round out your life a bit. As she suggested... Work on yourself. 

 

 

 

 

She gets annoyed easily. Even with the little things, or maybe I'm just annoying? The internet speed was an example -- because there were times when we would call and sometimes my responses are delayed (or sometimes our calls would cut in the middle) because of my slow internet connection. The last time this happened was during her birthday, when I tried to make it a happy occasion. Because my internet screwed up and was delayed, she got super annoyed and ended the call. I was extremely devastated because I messed up her special day -- But then she called back later on, and it did become happy night. So it wasn't entirely ruined. She was so happy with what I got for her and what her family did for her. But yeah, looking back, she got mad at me for a lot of things. She felt guilty for starting those small fights. It's just her personality.

We spent most of our time in person, but because of the pandemic I haven't seen her or my friends since March. So...really...who knows when I'll ever see her again which sucks. Seeing each other would've made us so happy but now I just think we'll be awkward and distant and that sucks.

I would definitely want to see a therapist but it's too expensive. So for now I just go on sites like these, I find people to talk to online, and yeah that's what I can do for now. I'm trying my best to improve on what I can.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, silv_ said:

I think the reason why I thought it was "wrong" was because of all the promises or the things she said to me. I've been told that people usually only mean things in the moment, not necessarily keeping those promises forever. 

Important life lesson: it's very unrealistic to expect people to keep these sorts of promises forever, especially when you're young and fairly inexperienced with dating and relationships. 

It's also a sign of immaturity to make such promises, in this context. Neither of you could possibly have predicted how this relationship would go and it was not wise of her to promise to never leave. I think she probably did that to placate you and soothe your anxiety, without really thinking of what she was saying. You can see why these promises do not mean that things won't change and the person will break it off anyway. 

Which brings me to the next important life lesson: relationships change. Sometimes they work and we grow together and manage the ups and downs,  and sometimes we realize it's just not what we want and need to leave.  It would be a mistake to stay when we are not happy, in spite of any promises we have made to the contrary. (yes, this might be different if you were much older and had been together a long, long time and were committed on an entirely different level) 

Would you really want to be with her, knowing that she actually didn't want to continue the relationship but felt obligated? 

[kendahke]

Enotalone sucks... this community is far better.

9 hours ago, silv_ said:

What did I do? What do I think is the main reason that destroyed our relationship? My insecurity.

Ever since we got together I was always worried if we would last or not.  I was scared of losing her. I was scared she would leave me (she actually did this time lol).

That's the problem with insecurity--it's the fastest track to getting what you want: to be proven right about your insecurity.  However, you can also be right and be alone.

Uprooting insecurity is a really, really long drill-down that requires a professional. While you'll get better advice here than that other place, it will not be able to  replace a professional helping you draw the road map out of this minefield.

[maggiemtn]

It looks like you turned your relationship anxiety into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have anxious thoughts too and it really does a number on the other person in the relationship. One thing I’ve found that helps is the anxious thought you’re having, turn it around. For example, when my ex used to text really late at night, I would think about all the times my best friends would randomly text me silly memes or other random conversations on a group text. Then I thought, “How would I feel if my partner started asking me “Why are you texting at this hour, who is it?” or being accusatory.” That would get really old, really fast. It helped me to reframe my thought process and the anxiety would quickly pass. 
 

A lot of colleges/universities have grad students or counselors trying to get their hours (I think, not really sure what exactly their licensure status is) that offer low-cost counseling. In addition, there are places that do sliding scale rates. I would really look into it because therapy helps so much. When you learn how to value yourself and have self-worth and also stop catastrophizing, you’ll be much better equipped for relationships and everything else in life. 

[silv_]

@expatinitaly - I agree. I mean I'm not mad anymore I guess, I'm slowly understanding to respect her decision and such. I'm just sad now but I'll learn to accept it with time. Honestly, even if she did leave part of me still wants to be with her but I know that a second chance might not ever happen, and I have a lot to fix too. Her as well.

@kendahke - 

11 hours ago, kendahke said:

it's the fastest track to getting what you want: to be proven right about your insecurity

This. Part of me knew that earlier in the relationship, and everyone told me the same. But the fear just kept growing and growing and it ruined me even more. i was right but at the cost of losing a great person.

@maggiemtn - ah yes, the self-fulfilling prophecy. I had problem with that for a long time. I actually looked into it a bit more, but in terms of relationships. I agree that that's what happened with me. If i get a chance to find a counselor, I would. 

 

I have a lot to fix about myself but it's still difficult to not forget the mistakes I did. I hate myself for it. I feel like these will continue to haunt me even if I eventually move on, because I hurt her so much. She also might not ever forgive me. It's hard not to wonder what she thinks about me and what she's telling other people. I know I shouldn't be thinking about her, because the focus should be on improving myself - it's just extremely difficult. And breakup relapses suck. One day I've accepted that she might not ever come back, and then the day after I lose everything and it's like all the progress I made is gone.

[silv_]

I'm 1 month and 3 weeks in NC ever since my ex broke up with me last November. The moving on process has been extremely difficult. They weren't lying when they said moving on is an emotional rollercoaster. It's not easy, especially if you're the one being left behind. During the first few weeks I was panicking about how to get my ex back, then followed by weeks of depression and not doing anything productive, then weeks after I began to feel lighter and worked on myself which made me feel good, then now I'm back to the stage where I feel depressed again. Except this time, I kind of have the energy to work. I'm just miserable again. NC is harder because I still have to see her during our online classes. And I can tell she's happier.

Compared to the earlier stages after breaking up, I know I'm starting to lose all hope of ever reconciling. I'm also learning to accept that we won't be the same ever again. It really hurts doesn't it? Remembering all the moments you spent with them, the future plans you made together. And now you've become strangers in an instant, just like that. A month ago I told her I couldn't lose her. Now, I want to forget her. I wish I never met her and I wish I could just see her as a worthless, irrelevant person who doesn't have to be remembered anymore. If only I never made those stupid mistakes in the beginning right? 

It hurts that she's gone. It hurts even more knowing that she's okay without me, despite telling me she was afraid to lose me and that I was precious to her, and she didn't want me gone. But look at her -- she's so happy. It's like I never meant anything to her. If she could forget me that easily and completely lose feelings, why can't I? I wish I could forget her now. I hate that I have to let time do its job because it's the only way I'll feel better -- with time. She can forget me so quick..... I wish that I could do that as well. It hurts how someone who was once so special to me, is now just a complete stranger who I honestly want to forget soo bad. I don't really have anyone to talk to, so I thought I'd just post this. I feel like I'll explode at one point again.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, silv_ said:

 . NC is harder because I still have to see her during our online classes. 

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

You're doing the right things, staying busy, working on yourself, engaging in your classes, interests, hobbies, friends and family.

But you are correct, it's not an easy slope and things will be up and down for a while.

[silv_]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

You're doing the right things, staying busy, working on yourself, engaging in your classes, interests, hobbies, friends and family.

But you are correct, it's not an easy slope and things will be up and down for a while.

We were together for a year...

I'd say the breakup was because of all the fights/issues that built up we had in the past, which was mostly my fault. But when she was breaking up with me her reason was because she needed to fix herself because she wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and because she lost herself too much in the relationship. She became unhappy with the person she was becoming. I know she contributed to the breakup too, but I know I made the most mistakes.

I miss her a lot, but I really want to forget her. 

[Gaeta]

I was reading something last night it said: The toughest part of letting go is realizing the other person already did. 

Is there a way to change online class? Is it that you see her on your screen? My daughter has online classes and she can mute other studends.

 

[silv_]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I was reading something last night it said: The toughest part of letting go is realizing the other person already did. 

Is there a way to change online class? Is it that you see her on your screen? My daughter has online classes and she can mute other studends.

 

That hurts the most. She's the type of person to move on quickly and forget people. It's funny how much she loved me -- how much she said I was precious to her, how much she said she didn't want me gone. And now she doesn't feel anything anymore. I'm just a stranger to her now. I wish I felt the same.

I can't really change anything in our online classes. I see her on my screen, I hear her voice, and we are also in one similar group. She looks happier and sounds happier.

[robaday]

I broke up with someone because of the amount of fights and issues and for the same reasons - I gave too much of myself. So I was in her position last year. And she is probably being honest. I really loved the woman I broke up with. Like really LOVED her and stayed as long as I could but it became damaging to me and I finished it because I had run out of any hope that things would work out. 

And I still love her. And that probably won't go away. But sometimes with these things love isnt enough. If a relationship becomes damaging to one or either partners self esteem then really you have to let it go. I am sure she does still care about you. But think about it. If you were arguing that much then perhaps it just means you were incompatible? Its not a case of someone's fault necessarily. Just sometimes two people cant overcome these differences. 

[silv_]

7 hours ago, robaday said:

I broke up with someone because of the amount of fights and issues and for the same reasons - I gave too much of myself. So I was in her position last year. And she is probably being honest. I really loved the woman I broke up with. Like really LOVED her and stayed as long as I could but it became damaging to me and I finished it because I had run out of any hope that things would work out. 

And I still love her. And that probably won't go away. But sometimes with these things love isnt enough. If a relationship becomes damaging to one or either partners self esteem then really you have to let it go. I am sure she does still care about you. But think about it. If you were arguing that much then perhaps it just means you were incompatible? Its not a case of someone's fault necessarily. Just sometimes two people cant overcome these differences. 

Thank you for your perspective. I was able to analyze what went wrong in the relationship and yes there were some incompatibilities. Although, honestly, the fights we had could have been avoided if we didn't rush things and got closer before we became official, because most of the fights had to do with things we had to learn in the relationship instead of knowing them beforehand. I'd say it was a mix of relationship immaturity and yes there were some incompatibilities as well.

I agree sometimes love isn't enough. It just hurts. I don't think she cares anymore -- or not even think, I just know she doesn't. She doesn't care about anyone if something ends already, whether that may be a friendship or romantic relationship. I know she has already moved on and lost feelings. 

I wish I knew beforehand not to make those mistakes though.

[silv_]

Back when my ex and I were still together, we would have a lot of arguments. Earlier in the relationship, the arguments were mostly about not meeting needs, which I eventually fixed and changed later on. As time passed she acknowledged my changes and was happy that I put effort into changing some things. Although it was challenging for me because these were out of my comfort zone, it didn't really hurt to make some changes. I was open to compromising after all. The things I had to change or put more effort into was giving more physical affection, giving gifts, and communicating more. Before you get mad at me and say "it should be normal for partners to do this already, this is the bare minimum blah blah" -- this is my first relationship. It was also hers. The point is, I didn't know how things worked and I was awkward and I just didn't know how to okay? But at least I made changes and she was happy I did.

I feel like those weren't incompatibilities or they could have been avoided IF I got to know her A LOT MORE before we became official. I realized that if I knew her better, we would already be comfortable and understand how we both worked. So no, I don't think those were incompatibilities just because we didn't get to know each other MORE before becoming official. Example: I could have avoided the fight with her when it came to gift giving if I knew beforehand she loved surprises. My bad for rushing into a relationship, or rather our bad.

 

Now the next arguments we had, I believe were probably incompatibilities. To make things short, she did not like the kind of comfort I gave her. There was a time when she vented and apparently the kind of comfort I gave her wasn't what she wanted to hear. She said I was "too soft". She explained that whenever she's venting or feeling angry, she wants someone to be just as angry as her or someone who is just as firm as her. She told me that she was able to get this kind of comfort from her ex best friend -- so whenever she was angry, her best friend would also be just as angry as her and that reassured her and comforted her. Unfortunately, I was too soft for her. I could never tell her the words she wanted and needed to hear. 

So were we incompatible? Because I could never give her the kind of comfort she wanted? 

I also feel like I struggled to comfort her more because we were ldr because of the pandemic. So I couldn't really be there physically and comfort her --- her love language is physical touch, so is mine. I think if she was sad,  I would be able to comfort her better face to face because then we can be affectionate. I also struggled with comforting her through the phone when she was crying.... if we were face to face I know she'd appreciate a hug a lot more. Or maybe I'm just a bad person and I'm bad at comforting? Or we were incompatible?

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Yes you're incompatible. 

Set yourself free to start talking to and meeting women who aren't this problematic for you .

You now know more about yourself and what works for you and what doesn't. 

[Fletch Lives]

8 hours ago, silv_ said:

She explained that whenever she's venting or feeling angry, she wants someone to be just as angry as her or someone who is just as firm as her

Sounds like baby-mama-drama to me. This is not sane behavior.

Not everyone is sane and good relationship material. It sounds like you had a high maintenance girl and are better off without her.

You were not incompatible - shes incompatible, period.

[d0nnivain]

Her expectations were unreasonable.   You are not required to share your partner's emotions.  A good partner acknowledges the emotions & doesn't invalidate them but you don't have to feel angry just because she is. 

IMO you are also wrong about the process of getting to know somebody. That can happen IN a relationship.  It doesn't have to precede the relationship.  You get to know somebody as you move along.  It's an on going process that requires attention & continual reevaluation

[silv_]

Thank you for the replies I appreciate it

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Her expectations were unreasonable.   You are not required to share your partner's emotions.  A good partner acknowledges the emotions & doesn't invalidate them but you don't have to feel angry just because she is. 

IMO you are also wrong about the process of getting to know somebody. That can happen IN a relationship.  It doesn't have to precede the relationship.  You get to know somebody as you move along.  It's an on going process that requires attention & continual reevaluation

She told me the way I responded kinda invalidated her feelings because I wasn't as firm as her. So there were times when I felt like an invalidating partner lol Yeah I admit it was difficult for me because I can't automatically be JUST AS angry AS HER cause it's just not in my nature. 

I don't know how to explain it but.... I can be mad and agree with what she's ranting about, but the WAY I EXPRESS that anger, wasn't what she liked. Basically I could never respond with anything she liked to hear. 

Also I agree, yeah we can get to know more about our partner even in a relationship already. But I think in our case, I think what would have worked for us was if we got to know each other more and got closer. We fought a lot over not knowing each other that well or our needs, so I thought maybe if we had created a solid foundation first we could have gotten a good start and avoided those fights. It doesn't have to be everything, but maybe just the common basic things like I mentioned before: gift giving, knowing our communication styles, etc.

[d0nnivain]

You didn't invalidate her just because she said she felt invalidated.  I give you props for trying to understand her position.  You made many changes based on her desires.  That makes you a good partner.  But what did she change based on your needs?  It sounds like this was a one way street.

In the beginning when somebody doesn't meet your needs in a relationship you educate them about what you want.  You don't start a fight.  It's inappropriate to expect the other person to be a mind reader.  When we 1st got together my husband was a lousy tipper & a bad gift giver.  I led by example & now he's mostly amazing.   We never fought about it.   We talked it through & worked it out. 

[silv_]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You didn't invalidate her just because she said she felt invalidated.  I give you props for trying to understand her position.  You made many changes based on her desires.  That makes you a good partner.  But what did she change based on your needs?  It sounds like this was a one way street.

In the beginning when somebody doesn't meet your needs in a relationship you educate them about what you want.  You don't start a fight.  It's inappropriate to expect the other person to be a mind reader.  When we 1st got together my husband was a lousy tipper & a bad gift giver.  I led by example & now he's mostly amazing.   We never fought about it.   We talked it through & worked it out. 

Thank you

Honestly I never wanted to change anything about her. I never asked for much. I only asked for one thing: to be more patient with me. But she never did....I mean there were times when I saw progress and I never got mad at her for not being patient immediately. I would always tell her thank you for being patient with me....but then she would always say nothing's changed about her. So for her, she thinks she never made any progress. 

And yeah I think that's where we went wrong -- escalating things into a fight. I guess we were just immature. We would talk it through but then we ended up fighting most of the time. I will definitely learn from this next time. 

[silv_]

My ex would always tell me to trust her that she wont leave me. Well she left me, what a liar right?

Now, the advice I would always get as a dumpee is that "People don't always mean what they say." or "Their words aren't always real, words don't really mean anything"

So what am I supposed to believe in? 

"Trust your partner because trust is always important in relationships"

"Words don't really mean anything. People don't always mean the things they say"

What the hell am I supposed to believe in then? The best option seems to be to never trust anyone ever again because everyone is a liar and a hypocrite.

Lol my ex was always so afraid of people leaving her and losing people. She even hated all the people who left her. And what happened? She became one of those people. And she thinks it's okay if she does it, but if someone else does it, it's not okay. She has no say in this because if I left her, she would feel the same way :))). She would always say "People always leave me anyway" or "I'm used to being left by people" hahaha what a hypocrite

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about. How old is she?

Listen, people take vows at the alter and still leave/ get divorced for various reasons.

It sounds like you are upset that she broke up and that's normal.

It's pointless to decide whether that's lying or not. You're just hurting right now.

Even if you were engaged, living together, married or had a commitment, people have free will and can leave if things aren't working. You as well can leave.

All you can do is learn from it, don't overinvest and keep an eye on things as to how it's going.