Insecurity kills. How do I forgive myself and kill all hope?

[ShyViolet]

It's fine and normal that you're angry at her over the breakup.  Feel your feelings.  However, she is not a bad person just because she broke up with you.  When two people are in a relationship, either person has the right to end it at any time, for any reason.  When she told you that she would never leave you, I'm sure that that's how she felt at that time.  But feelings change.  She is allowed to leave the relationship if her feelings change.  It doesn't make her a liar or a bad person.  

Stop demonizing her.  Just accept the fact that it ended and you both need to move on.

[silv_]

I know people are allowed to leave and aren't obligated to stay, especially if cheating, harassment, and abuse were involved. But still, I can't help but feel betrayed after her saying all that. And trust me, I know she would feel the same way if I left her. I remember so many times when she would always tell me "People always leave me", "I'm used to being left by people" and she genuinely hates the people who left her. To add: "I guess I'm at that stage again where I think people will eventually leave" -- Do people actually expect me to forget these words? How could I? Do you know how painful it is to forever remember this?

It hurts too much that I can't accept all the advice, which is all correct, telling me that anyone can leave. How do people expect me to not be traumatized after this? How do people not expect me to not have trust issues after all the broken promises and all the words that didn't really mean anything after all in the end? Do I just go into another relationship with another person not believing what they say, and then eventually get into an argument with them telling me that I'm not trusting them enough? 

This is what I'm told all the time, but no one ever tells people to keep their promises or to not always say things they won't keep in the end. 

And she's not even hurt affected at all. It's like I never meant anything to her. Seriously why would she tell me all that crap when breaking up with me?

"I don't know how I'm going to continue my life without you" while breaking up with me

"You've been nothing but good to me" while breaking up with me. she knows I hurt her, so why couldn't she just say I was a s*** partner instead of this lie?

I know I sound immature and dumb but I can't help it. I'm genuinely in pain and I can't do this anymore. I don't want to feel this way either.  I want to forget her and I wish I never met her. I really can't do this anymore. 

[silv_]

At this point I'm the loser of this breakup. While she gets to leave and have her feelings validated and be happy, here I am, depressed and crying over losing her and not being good enough for her to stay. I don't know how people who claimed they loved their ex so much and tell them how much they mean to them, leave and feel nothing afterwards. I'm trying so hard to improve myself and fix my mistakes but it's too slow. How am I supposed to heal when I'm constantly reminded of everything she said and knowing how she's so happy I'm gone. 

[kendahke]

how long were you dating this chick when she ended it?

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, silv_ said:

How do people expect me to not be traumatized after this?

 

The truth is you're upset, disappointed and angry--and most people would be when they're led to believe one thing and something completely different happens, but you know what? Sometimes people say one thing and a day comes along where they see things differently and change their mind.

What happened between you two right before she told you this? This isn't something that happens without a ramp up. If you're being honest with yourself, you'll know exactly where this about face came from.

As Wiseman said, people stand at the altar before God and man, dragging the state in on it, and swear they'll stay with that person for the rest of their natural life and 50% of them break that.

The answer to your question: Let go of thinking nothing is allowed to ever change because you want what you want.

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, silv_ said:

How am I supposed to heal when I'm constantly reminded of everything she said and knowing how she's so happy I'm gone. 

Stop ruminating and dwelling on her.

Her life is her life and she's allowed to choose her path.

Your life is your life and you're allowed to choose your path. 

You may not choose someone else's life path for them.

Edited February 21, 2021 by kendahke

[kendahke]

Quote

Do I just go into another relationship with another person not believing what they say, and then eventually get into an argument with them telling me that I'm not trusting them enough? 

OK, so now we're at the crux of the problem: You argue and fight when you can't have your way--perhaps she's done with the arguing and fighting. After a while, people get sick of it. It's not attractive and it's a colossal turn off.

Why would you get into an argument with them about you trusting them if that wasn't being borne out in reality? There is no need to argue with anyone about anything unless you're trying to control them.  Maybe stop trying to control another adult would be something to try.

[TeddyBundy1993]

Yes, people say things and they do very opposite.  You see, relationships are complicated.  People meet they invest feelings time.  As time passes these feelings changes and people change too. I m sorry you are traumatized 😔.  But you are concentrating way too much on what her words were. While your focus should be to move on now. You didn't wrote much about your relationship,  but clearly you are hurt, what you gonna carry from this? Experience! A lesson. To your next relationship. Sometimes people says things like to that to make a moment special to make themselves and their partners feel special. Things like that are said in all relationships yet still people do break up everyday. Shes behaving the way she is, because she lost feeling for you long ago. You just didn't realized until she clearly told you  accept its over regardless to what she says or used to say. Its painful for now, I know it hurt likes hell and its seems we are doomed forever.  Focus on your well being,  if you can stop talking to her completely. There are plenty of fishes in the sea. Heal and move on. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, silv_ said:

It hurts too much that I can't accept all the advice, which is all correct, telling me that anyone can leave. How do people expect me to not be traumatized after this? How do people not expect me to not have trust issues after all the broken promises and all the words that didn't really mean anything after all in the end? Do I just go into another relationship with another person not believing what they say, and then eventually get into an argument with them telling me that I'm not trusting them enough? 

Back when I was dating, I took such promises such as this with a grain of salt.  I knew they meant it at the time, but I also knew that things can change and therefore, so do their feelings.  It's disappointing, but it happens. Do you truly believe that people should be held to a promise of never leaving when they've started to feel differently? 

Are you truly getting into arguments for being not trusting enough...or are you imagining how it could go down?

Edited February 21, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, silv_ said:

I'm the loser of this breakup. 

Not really. You dodged a bullet if she's this shallow and insincere. Now you're free tp talk to and date better women.

[MsJayne]

14 hours ago, silv_ said:

What the hell am I supposed to believe in then? The best option seems to be to never trust anyone ever again because everyone is a liar and a hypocrite.

Not everyone is a liar and a hypocrite, but a lot of people are, and worse. I've always found that the best way to approach humanity is with the belief that all people are a-holes. That way, if I'm right I'm not disappointed, and if I'm wrong I'm pleasantly surprised. Win-win. 

[basil67]

Further to what MsJayne wrote, when figuring out what people are about, I find the best way to approach humanity is with the belief that most people are good, but to be aware that there are some bad eggs. 

I guess it doesn't really matter whether one takes a positive or negative approach to humanity, the upshot either way is that we have a tool to manage our expectations.

[Uruktopi]

Not always but sometimes, when you look back in time (and certainly not now), some pains (whithout ending being pains) begin to look like blessings.

That case was true for two of my three main breakups.

 

 

[SMoore]

Yup, you’re right.  You can’t trust anyone. That is human nature.  But that doesn’t mean relationships have to stop.  You just have to make sure you don’t invest your happiness in anything external.  Happiness comes from within.  When you feel more secure then when you meet someone you can approach it with a ‘I love you but will never need you’ attitude.

 I know that sounds counterintuitive but it’s the strongest way to start any relationship.  You must share your joy with your partner, not get a partner in order to find joy.

That’s the best advice you’ll get and I wish someone had told me that years ago.

[tart6245]

I think we've all been in your shoes at some point. I've been told that in the past only to have the same person leave me too. Those words are just empty words that mean nothing. I learned not to put too much stock into them. It's hard to say much more without knowing the details of your relationship, but there are always faults on both sides when a relationship fails.

I don't think you are the loser in all of this, and if she was saying she would never leave you shortly before she left, then you'll be better off without her. You should not live to please someone or be good enough for someone. That's exhausting. You live the life you enjoy and eventually you will find someone who you can be yourself with without trying to be good enough for them. I promise you, your ex is not some perfect person that men have to line up for to be worthy of her company. 

[silv_]

I'm really desperate for answers. How will I find closure myself? I have so many questions for her. And if I do find closure myself, I know I'm going to fall apart and lose all my healing progress once I see her with her new partner. What if she finds a new partner before I do? If she does that means she wins this breakup and I'll be the loser because I still haven't found anyone and I'll still be depressed over losing her. And she doesn't care. 

It hurts me that she's not hurting as much as I am. How do people move on so easily? How do people forget someone they love so easily? Why tell me "you've been nothing but good to me", "you gave me the love and care my family never gave me", "I don't know how I'm going to continue my life without you", then still leave me? If they were able to move on so fast and forget about my existence, does that prove how insignificant and worthless I was to her? Did I even mean anything to her? Did she even love me genuinely? How can she be so happy after leaving her partner and best friend? She doesn't have many close friends anymore. She used to say I was precious to her and I was the only person she had left who was very close to her. But she doesn't care anymore. How can she be so happy? How will I move on? What makes it worse is how she told me she was ending this because she needed to "fix herself" but she doesn't even want to admit her mistakes. She won't change. What if she changes for her next partner? Why not me? It hurts me that she won't leave her next partner. She'll treat her next partner better. She won't leave them. She'll actually keep her promise of not leaving them. She didn't keep that promise with me. She's going to keep that promise with her next partner. She'll be more mature with them. She won't commit the same mistakes. She'll change for them. Why not me? Was I that worthless? She would always say I'm worth it. Now she's gone and she hates me. She's happy I'm out of her life. I'm still here. I'm still miserable. I still want her back. But she's not even coming back. Exes don't come back. Why am I just a stepping stone for her growth and development as a partner? She used me. I was just used. She was so scared of people leaving her. Now she's the person who left. I can't breathe 

Will everyone just leave me in the end? Will I be left again in my next relationship? What am I going to do

I'm trying so hard to heal but I end up relapsing and spiraling I can't do this anymore. She moved on and she's not hurting. So why can't I feel the same

[Gaeta]

Believe it or not, all those questions you're having are normal and everybody that was dumped have the same questions and same fears. Being at the receiving end of a breakup is super hard and it will take a lot of efforts on your part to get better. 

There are no answers to your questions. Your ex feelings have stopped and it's not something she could control. It happens. When she said those beautiful things to you she meant them at that time then her feelings changed and she probably doesn't even know why they changed. She also doesn't know what her future holds, will she change or will she carry with her the same problems in her next relationship, she doesn't know, no one knows. 

Getting answers from her will not help you. First she doesn't have those answers and if she gives you half answers that will actually be worse for you because it will generate more questions with no answers. 

From now all that counts is you. Everything concerning her does not matter anymore. Why, with whom, when, will not help you move from this. The only thing that will help you is to understand you have no control over someone breaking up with you so there is no point fighting against it. It's time to work toward accepting it. 

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

Thoughts like these:

Quote

What if she changes for her next partner? Why not me? It hurts me that she won't leave her next partner. She'll treat her next partner better. She won't leave them. She'll actually keep her promise of not leaving them. She didn't keep that promise with me. She's going to keep that promise with her next partner. She'll be more mature with them. She won't commit the same mistakes. She'll change for them. Why not me? Was I that worthless? She would always say I'm worth it. Now she's gone and she hates me. She's happy I'm out of her life. I'm still here. I'm still miserable. I still want her back. But she's not even coming back. Exes don't come back. Why am I just a stepping stone for her growth and development as a partner? She used me. I was just used.

Will destroy you in absolutely no time. Believe me, I've been down that road and you don't want to walk it. If you stay on it long enough, it can do actual damage to you (yes, I mean lasting damage to your mental and emotional health), unlike the breakup itself (which can't). The breakup at this point is done with whatever damage it's done to you; no further damage will follow, everything at this point is fundamentally self-inflicted.

Now, I'm not writing this to make you feel bad. It's natural to feel anger and frustration after a breakup. This isn't the part that's most destructive. The really bad part is the incessant, continuous, confusing and torturous search for answers which you are engaged in to the point of trying to imagine how your ex will be with her future partner.

This means you are directing your search for meaning and sense towards your ex to such a degree that you are trying to read things from what you imagine to be her future.

Her future doesn't matter to your life. It has no bearing on it. Only your future does.

She doesn't have the power to give your life meaning and value, nor take it away from it; you are solely responsible for it.

And thanks to the futility of this search you are of course beginning to feel resentment and bitterness which absolutely will poison you. And no amount of thinking about her (and most definitely no amount of talking to her) will fix that issue, it will only deepen it.

On a separate note: don't feel bad because she has moved on and you haven't. Everyone takes a different amount of time and dumpees are generally hurting way more than the dumpers. You are just comparing yourself to her (and finding yourself lacking) because you are imbuing her with an impossible authority which she doesn't have. It doesn't matter if she's moved on or not, and how quickly she did, whether she's happier or not, etc. etc. None of that matters; what matters is how quickly you move on.

The first step towards that is stopping the obsessive thinking and my feeling is that the online classes are actually a massive roadblock. If I regularly had to see my ex (even without interacting with her directly) I would have made even less progress than I have in my own breakup so far. If you are absolutely positive there is nothing you can do to change that (this includes slightly more drastic measures like changing the class) then you might have to resort to silly measures to minimize the impact. Hide the window when she's speaking. Turn the volume down. Make yourself a tea. Idunno, at the very least do something in order to not focus on trying to figure out how she's doing. Treat it like a drug you are trying to withdraw from.