I can't forget my first love and still do not know if he ever loved me. Thoughts?

[Sophia E]

 

We have known each other since the first year of high school. During the first 3 years, friends of his told me that he was attracted to me, but I didn't like him or was interested. In the last year of high school, we met at a party, we were both drunk, and while we were talking he tried to kiss but I refused and left. However, that fact awakened something in me and the next day, looking at photos, I noticed that an attraction for him was beginning to awaken, which I had not had until that moment. Months went by in class and the attraction grew and grew, until I admitted that I liked him. I almost certainly thought that he also liked me since he always tried to get my attention, but the day I decided to declare myself and tell him that I liked him, he told me that he had already noticed it but that he liked another girl. This fact broke my plans since the answer was not expected.

I spent more than a month without talking to him, until at another party he approached me and I began to blame him because he had continued playing with me when he had already realized that I liked him, and more when since years ago his friends had told me that he was attracted to me. He took me to speak to a more intimate area and little by little we got closer until we almost kissed... before they interrupted us shouting "they are going to kiss!" and I rejected him automatically. This would be the beginning of all our stories for the next three years.

Throughout the three and a half years that I consider our 'history' to last, we have had many different phases. In the first year we got closer and got together with the same group of friends, partying together, etc. In the second year we started the first half of the year angry to each other and hardly speaking and then we got closer together again. In the third year was when the interest between both grew and we talked more and even showed more the feelings and the year in which we kissed. After kissing, in the middle of the third year, we stopped talking to each other until the end of the year, already entering the fourth year, in which he suddenly showed great interest in me and avoided losing me, but I no longer had the same feelings.

Throughout these years the story could be summarized in this way: he has always been the first to show interest in being close to me and kissing me, during the three and a half years he would have tried easily for more than 50 times for us to kiss. and I wanted to, however out of nerves and fear I always rejected him. Throughout history we have gotten angry on many occasions, usually because of me and he was always the one who approached to solve it and thus be able to talk to us again. We have never verbally told each other that we liked each other, but I think he always knew it. However, he also showed interest in other girls and this was the fact that made me reject him every time he tried to approach me, as a method of self-protection so that he would not hurt me. I would never know that rejecting him then would end up hurting me ten years later because of the 'what could have happened'.

The day we finally kissed, almost after 3 years, he asked me if I loved him and I said no, to which he replied that he was with another girl and I continued kissing him.. stupid, right? After that day we did not speak to each other again until the end of the year, in which for the next 3 months he showed a keen interest in me. I made him face that he knew that I liked him before but that it was now too late, to which he replied that he had done everything possible to be with me but that I always rejected him, that throughout the years he did not understand me and drove him crazy, sometimes I said yes and sometimes no, but always ended up rejecting him. That exact night he made out with another girl in front of me. On another occasion he was after me all night and I also rejected him. The last time we spoke as part of the story was at another party, in which he gave me an 'ultimatum', if I wanted to be with him I had to stay and if not I had to go... and I left.

After this we did not speak to each other again until a few months later, in which at a party he appeared with a letter from the bank that his friends had given him to deliver to me and he joked that it was not a love letter. Then both paths parted, I met my partner, with whom I am still currently, and he has been with other girls and currently has a partner too.

During these last 6 years we have not spoken again at any time, when we coincide in some place such as a bar, we looked at each other but we did not even say hello, although on social networks we liked the instagram photos, very ankward.

During the quarantine produced by Covid-19, I found a photograph with him and decided to speak to him to apologize for all the times I had ignored and treated him badly in the past. It was something that I had saved for many years and I decided to get rid of it and free myself of the feeling. I thought he was not going to answer me, but he answered me saying that he remembered every night, especially he mentioned the night we kissed, and he also apologized for his attitude. He told me that he remembered all that and was not at all proud. Then he asked me to meet and have a drink, I confirmed him but we did not decide anything and we did not speak again. A few months later I met him on the street, he greeted me and we began to talk briefly about how life was going, that it would be good to go out partying together with the group of friends we had in common.. and he asked me again If I wanted us to meet together to talk, but I did not confirm anything. After that we spoke very briefly on social networks and he left me unanswered, but a few weeks later he liked photos from a few months ago, so that means that he had cheked my instagram profile. After that, hush, we haven't spoken again, just to like each other on instagram posts.

After all this explanation, I want to clarify that when I met him on the street a few months ago I did not feel anything for him, but nevertheless I cannot stop repeating those minutes in my head, as well as all the memories I have with him and imagine what would have happened if I had not rejected him so many times. I have a partner and I love him like no one else in the world, but I can't help but think every day about what my first love was, I've actually never stopped thinking about him, and I've even come to imagine that we would finally meet and something in us woke up and we ended up kissing or having a short affair.. this is not fair to my partner and I can't talk about it with any of my friends!

Inside I think that I miss the way he made me feel, the passion of the first love, the special feelings.. above all, I would like to know (to be able to close that stage of my past), If he liked/loved me or if he was just playing with me. What do you think?

What would you do to try to get it out of your head, turn the page and move on with your life?

Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Sophia E said:

  I miss the way he made me , the passion of the first love, 

This is the key. The way you look nostalgically on a time of innocence, discovery and coming of age.

Think of it as a chapter in your life. And embrace it.

All those feelings were not and are not about him.

They are about that particular and evolving time in Your life and how that makes you feel.

Edited January 2, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Sophia E]

Yes I totally agree, but in order to move on and close this chapter, I would need to know if he loved me or was just playing with me? It is something that I personally need to put an end to it, so I asked your opinion about it

[d0nnivain]

He may have been infatuated with you but it certainly wasn't love.  You can't love somebody you never dated.  You two never dated.  You had a 6 year long history of missed opportunities born of childish not knowing any better.   He wasn't playing with you in a mean sense but honestly it was HS.  Neither of you had a clue & nothing about your interactions have matured. 

At best he was the one that got away.  The fantasy of him will always be better then the reality.  He's not the guy you have built up in your mind.  If it was meant to be, you would have actually had that drink.  The fact that you didn't tells me you reaching out was pandemic nostalgia not fate.

[stillafool]

I agree he wasn't playing with you he was just doing what HS boys do - kiss as many girls as possible and try to get sex from whomever will put out.  You did express to him that you liked him but he kept telling you he was with another girl.  If he truly wanted to be with you he would have broke it off with her and gotten with you.  The back and forth behavior from you wouldn't have made a difference.

Have you been in a relationship since you left HS?

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree he wasn't playing with you he was just doing what HS boys do - kiss as many girls as possible and try to get sex from whomever will put out.

This.

You attached a lot more emotional significance to all of this than he did, OP. I don't doubt he liked you to an extent, but this isn't love. 

Now, you say you love your current partner more than anything - so what the heck are you thinking reaching out to the guy you consider your "first love'? What's missing in your current relationship that you go looking for attention and validation from some guy you hadn't spoken to in years?