I'm having a midlife crisis

[Lost1981]

I haven't been active in here for about a year, but now I need some support. For almost two years ago, when I was 37, my ex and I broke up. I wanted children, he didn't and finding a happy medium wasn't possible. I loved him very much and he was my first and only serious relationship. The time that followed was very hard and sad and today I still haven't moved on completely.

Since our break up I have been in fertility treatment as a single mom by choice, but I haven't fallen pregnant yet. I have dated a bit, but it never turned into anything serious with any of them. My dream was and still is to have a family with a man, but regarding my age I know it will be very hard. Besides that I have never been lucky in love and the men I fell in love with never wanted me (besides my ex). The last year has been so hard and I'm losing my hope for a happy future. I'm turing 40 this year and sometimes I feel like my life is over. I know it maybe sounds silly for people who are older than me, but that's how I'm feeling. I look at other people my age who have husbands or wifes and children and I also want that, but it's like my life wont turn out that way. I'm having a hard time accepting that. This year I'm planning to have more treatments, but I can't go on forever. At some point my body and mind will say stop. I know there're more possiblities like using an egg donor or adopting, and maybe I wil be open to that at some point, but I think the main problem is giving up the dream about a "real" family. 

I never thought I would be in this place. I never thought I would be single and childless by 39. I'm scared when I think about my future. I don't know what I will do when I'm 50 and still single and childless. I feel weird, unwanted and lonely. I know everything can change, but how do I keep up the faith and hope? And how can I accept my life as it is right now and find peace?   

[primer]

FWIW - - - Many of the people with husbands or wives may not be happy and wish they were in your situation. Other peoples lives aren't always as they appear. Your life is not over and there are people in their 40s having kids. Try not to think about the future and live in the present moment. One day at a time . . . .

Hang in there!

 

 

[Foxhall]

Be thankful for what you do have I suppose,

Im the opposite in my relationship, as the guy I actually want to have a child, I always at the back of my mind had a dream of having a daughter dont know why,

my girlfriend about the same age as you was quite keen last year, but she has a child already and is unconvinced I feel now about going ahead with another one,

I still hope the relationship will work and will have a stepchild perhaps at least, but Id like my own  too,

I guess if its meant to be it will happen, 

[FudgeSwirl]

Although 40 has always been the marker for "life being over" with life expectancy being the way it is I have grown to look at that as an antiquated saying.  On a positive note with fertility, if you choose to you can still have them through your forties so you still have time.  In the process, think of other things you wish to accomplish and do.  The hurtful thing about life is that most of the time it never seems to go as planned but while some plans get unfoiled it gives us great opportunities and other things that will enrich our lives as long as we are open to them.  Also sometimes when we want things badly, we don't get them but when we stop thinking about them so much they just happen.  I'm so sorry to hear about how your relationship went.  I'm sure you will find somebody even better, which you deserve.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

giving up the dream about a "real" family. 

'Family' means what it means to you! There are lots of ways to be a family, to make a family, we are lucky in this modern era when we can love who we want to, live how we want to.

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

how can I accept my life as it is right now and find peace?   

That is a process. Good days, bad days, steps forward steps back...I've been going through it myself accepting disability and chipping away my own preconceived ideas about who I 'should' be as opposed to how it is!

Some days I enjoy the challenge and revel in the little successes, but it has been lonely going through it alone sometimes. 

Good luck!

[BaileyB]

((Hugs))

I’ve been there. It really sucks. It’s hard to watch your friends and family members get pregnant and grow/enjoy their families. It is hard to let go of the life you have always wanted, the life you imagined. It is, as Ellener says, most definitely a process. 

I will offer the following advice and a word of encouragement. 

1). I decided if I wasn’t able to be a mother, I was going to be the best aunt ever. I love my nieces and nephew as if they are my own.I loved my friends kids. And, as a result I have a network of children who are now becoming young adults who think that I am the coolest, funnest, best auntie they could ever hope to have. They have given me memories that I hold close to my heart... and I am forever grateful for that. So, if you are blessed to have nieces and nephews, spoil them rotten!

2). As they say, bloom where you are planted. Cultivate your own interests. I travelled the world as a single woman. I have many friends, many interests, a beautiful home that I love... I was free to do whatever I desired and I took full advantage of that fact! I have friends with kids who have done none of what I have done... and now, their kids are growing older and moving on with their own lives... and my friends are quite lost, frankly. Having children does not = happiness, either now or in the future. 

As for me, I really did get the place where I had made my peace - for the most part. And then, one day when I was about your age and settled well into my single life... I met the most wonderful man. He has a child. We fell in love and we have just moved into our dream home that we built together. Sure, it doesn’t look like I may have visioned it, but you never know where life will take you if you stay open to possibilities.

Best wishes. 
 

Edited January 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

I haven't been active in here for about a year, but now I need some support. For almost two years ago, when I was 37, my ex and I broke up. I wanted children, he didn't and finding a happy medium wasn't possible. I loved him very much and he was my first and only serious relationship. The time that followed was very hard and sad and today I still haven't moved on completely.

Since our break up I have been in fertility treatment as a single mom by choice, but I haven't fallen pregnant yet. I have dated a bit, but it never turned into anything serious with any of them. My dream was and still is to have a family with a man, but regarding my age I know it will be very hard. Besides that I have never been lucky in love and the men I fell in love with never wanted me (besides my ex). The last year has been so hard and I'm losing my hope for a happy future.

I'm turing 40 this year and sometimes I feel like my life is over. I know it maybe sounds silly for people who are older than me, but that's how I'm feeling. I look at other people my age who have husbands or wifes and children and I also want that, but it's like my life wont turn out that way. I'm having a hard time accepting that. This year I'm planning to have more treatments, but I can't go on forever. At some point my body and mind will say stop. I know there're more possiblities like using an egg donor or adopting, and maybe I wil be open to that at some point, but I think the main problem is giving up the dream about a "real" family. 

I never thought I would be in this place. I never thought I would be single and childless by 39. I'm scared when I think about my future. I don't know what I will do when I'm 50 and still single and childless. I feel weird, unwanted and lonely. I know everything can change, but how do I keep up the faith and hope? And how can I accept my life as it is right now and find peace?   

I’m 50, still single and childless. You make it sound as though I should wear a scarlet L for loser on my head. Well, I don’t feel like a loser because I didn’t get to get married and have my own family of children. It just didn’t happen for me. And, I could do what you’re doing and dwell on that information and feel sorry for myself, but that won’t change my current circumstances. 

You are 37 years old and single. And there is a pandemic going on for at least more than half of 2021 according to Dr. Fauci and other experts. In the meantime, stop dwelling and feeling sorry for yourself and focus on the positives. You’re alive. You don’t have Covid. You have a roof over your head, you have food, and you are healthy. A lot more than most people have. 

No, you can’t snap your fingers and be married with children. All you can do is go on with your life as normal, be happy, and if you are meant to get married and have children then it will just happen. Being envious of others who have that, isn’t good for your self-esteem either. Stop thinking that being single is the end of the world, because it’s not. It’s about adjusting your mindset to be more grounded and happy with yourself where you’re at. 

Edited January 2, 2021 by Watercolors

[Lost1981]

8 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I’m 50, still single and childless. You make it sound as though I should wear a scarlet L for loser on my head. Well, I don’t feel like a loser because I didn’t get to get married and have my own family of children. It just didn’t happen for me. And, I could do what you’re doing and dwell on that information and feel sorry for myself, but that won’t change my current circumstances. 

You are 37 years old and single. And there is a pandemic going on for at least more than half of 2021 according to Dr. Fauci and other experts. In the meantime, stop dwelling and feeling sorry for yourself and focus on the positives. You’re alive. You don’t have Covid. You have a roof over your head, you have food, and you are healthy. A lot more than most people have. 

No, you can’t snap your fingers and be married with children. All you can do is go on with your life as normal, be happy, and if you are meant to get married and have children then it will just happen. Being envious of others who have that, isn’t good for your self-esteem either. Stop thinking that being single is the end of the world, because it’s not. It’s about adjusting your mindset to be more grounded and happy with yourself where you’re at. 

No, I don't think you're a loser and I don't think I am either. There's nothing wrong with being single and childless. I'm just saying that having a family was/is my dream and it's ok to grieve the loss of that. But you're right that I should be grateful for the things I have and I can just hope that it will take some of the pain away. 

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, Lost1981 said:

No, I don't think you're a loser and I don't think I am either. There's nothing wrong with being single and childless. I'm just saying that having a family was/is my dream and it's ok to grieve the loss of that. But you're right that I should be grateful for the things I have and I can just hope that it will take some of the pain away. 

Listen, I know what you’re feeling because I felt it too. I love being an aunt and I treat those kids like they were my own. So, in that sense, I feel fulfilled in a maternal role because of my siblings’ children. It’s about shifting your perspective away from the narrow view you have of “I MUST get married and have children” because it may not happen exactly like that for you.

And, you need to fill that void with healthy hobbies or friendships. You could become a Big Sister volunteer and mentor disadvantaged children. You could volunteer at a women’s shelter. You could become an after school coach or a tutor. You could teach a class to K-12 kids after school for art, music, science, or whatever. There are a multitude of ways that you can fill that maternal void with activities that give back to your community. 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t grieve. If that helps you to process and move forward with your life, then grieve. But just don’t dwell on what you didn’t get. Because that won’t change the fact that you didn’t get the husband and children package on the timeline you expected. I expected to have a career for 25 years, and have a husband, kids, a house, and a few pets. Didn’t happen. My life turned out completely different than that. Should I berate myself for it? Should I compare myself to everyone else who HAS those things? What good does that do me now? It does no good. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

You still have time. While odds are better with younger age, women are having healthy babies in their 40s and even 50s now. I have an acquaintance who had a healthy baby (her first) at age 52! 

I'm 44 and have had no problem finding men in their mid-40s to mid-50s who are open to trying to have kids (or more kids). Things didn't work out with my last boyfriend, but that plan was underway, and if we'd gotten along better there's a high likelihood we would have gotten married and had kids. I have sisters and even a grandmother who had healthy babies in their mid-40s - so it's pretty likely I'll want to keep the option open for the future. Now my attitude is I'll make the best of it either way.

If it doesn't happen, you can still have a good life without kids. 40+ women are living better lives than ever, as far as I can see. I'm thinking about maybe going on a solo tropical beach vacation for my birthday next year. Maybe I'll go with friends, or maybe I'll be dating someone new by then. My new fascination is TikTok, and I constantly see videos by single/divorced women over 40 who are taking these fabulous solo trips, doing amazing things all by themselves, just living the life. My single friends are doing great things, too. 

I've heard that 40 is the "scary age" for women. For men, it's 50. There is a certain weight in realizing OMG I'm well and truly middle-aged now! But once you get through that, things start looking up. 

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

it's ok to grieve the loss of that.

It’s ok to grieve the loss of the dream you had for your life. 

Just don’t neglect to live your life because it is not exactly as you would like it to be. Nobody’s life is exactly as they wish it to be. And, even if it is... chances are, there will be a time in your life when you feel otherwise. 

What we are trying gently to say, you must continue to dream new dreams. We all must - my friends who’s children have grown and left the home are now having to dream new dreams... I read once that life is about learning to start over - at any and every age. I believe that to be true, not always easy but important if you hope to find happiness in life. 

Edited January 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

I am the same age as you.  I am single and child-free.  The only difference is, I decided in my 20's that I did not want children, and I am absolutely happy with my choice.  I have found meaning in my life through other things.  You are suffering from "I'll be happy if..... " syndrome.  Stop fixating on having children.  It might not be "meant to be."  You can't walk around as if you're an incomplete person and the only thing that will make you happy is if you have children.  That is not how life works.  If you can't be happy with yourself, then having children won't magically make you happy or complete your life.  And the fact is that having children might not be in the cards for you.  So you need to be at peace with yourself no matter what happens.  

[endlessabyss]

I can relate on some level.  I'm 34.  I have a 12 year old, but due to an unfortunate set of circumstances I haven't seen her in six years, so does it really even count that I have a kid out there somewhere? 

Honestly, even at this age I'm not even fit to be a father.  I graduated college, with a useless degree, kind of late due to a mental breakdown in my early twenties, only to get to find myself with dead end desk jobs that paid meager salaries.  A couple of years ago I started a whole new career path to escape the pain of that corporate job, but it came with a price starting out rock bottom again, wage wise.

My life at this point just feels like a lost cause; totally lost and still have no idea wtf I am doing.  All the things I'm doing now I should have been doing right out of high school.  Now I am so behind I just ask what's the point?  Too many failures, and too much pain/damage incurred growing up in a super abusive household as a kid.  That's not even including everything afterwards.

On New Years I attended a get together, and everybody there was with their partners and kids. I was the odd man out.  In response I think I just started drinking until I became numb to it all, and just reminded myself to be grateful I wasn't spend the night alone.  But, it doesn't hide the fact that you feel less than or feeling left behind.

That pain is really unavoidable.

Then to top that off with the infrastructure of this country I live in crumbling before my eyes socially and economically.  Everything seems so dark and hopeless as of late.  Even my brothers are struggling, and they are way more successful to me.  One is a big time broker in NY, and the other is an attorney.  Both are kind of suffering, because they don't see how they fit into this world.

Just a lot of loneliness.  The thing I am discovering is that even a partner doesn't take the pain away.  I was involved with the very nice woman for about three months.  The relationship didn't make me happy or make me feel less lonely at all.  I remember after having sex one night just laying there asking myself what the purpose was?  It felt so empty and soul crushing, and about a week later I just politely ended the relationship.

I can't say a wife with a kid would fix me at this point, because I am so broken on the inside. I just want to pain to end.

I don't know what message I am trying to convey in this rant 🤣  I know my words probably aren't consoling or make much sense, but you aren't alone in your suffering.

 

Edited January 3, 2021 by endlessabyss

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It is hard to let go of the life you have always wanted, the life you imagined.

Joseph Campbell:  'You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.'

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Joseph Campbell:  'You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.'

 

So very very true! Excellent post Ellener. I believe almost everyone comes to the place where they are blessed to surrender their dream life.

[Ellener]

1 minute ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I believe almost everyone comes to the place where they are blessed to surrender their dream life.

Acceptance is healing. A peace comes in time. A joy and contentment to just 'be'.

“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.” Also Joseph Campbell ( The Power of Myth )

 

[Lost1981]

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. 

I don't have siblings or cousins etc. and most of my friends don't have children or their children are teenagers, so in my daily life I'm not surrounded by children that could fill the void. In a way I'm glad that there aren't a lot of babies and small children in my life, because that would probably make me more sad. 

I guess most of the time I just feel lonely. I know a lot of people do especially in theses times. I have friends, but I miss living with someone. Sharing a life and all the daily routines. As I wrote earlier I tried to date, but it's not so easy to get find interested men, when I'm 39 and want to have children 😃 I guess that scares a lot of men away. 

As some of you write I guess I have to find something else I can enjoy in my life. I have always ejoyed travelling, also alone, and I plan to do it again as soon as it's possible again. 

[d0nnivain]

I was single & childless at 39.  I decided I wanted a solid relationship & I set out to find one.  I made a point of going out at least once per week to meet new people.  It wasn't the desperate OMG I need a man.  It was more like I'm ready for a good man, show me you are worthy. 

With Covid in person options are limited but still you need a positive outlook.

I found the guy but kids weren't in the cards for me.

In addition to the fertility treatments you can look into adoption or surrogacy.  Ask your doctor about acupuncture.  I have read that can help.

Do things to self soothe that make you happy. 

Hang in there. 

[Versacehottie]

Lots of great advice already.  Have you ever thought that you perhaps you "feel" the pain of your situation more because you concentrate or fixate on it?  I think seeing yourself as lacking or forever missing a goal you want will put you into an unhappiness state.  There is lots of research about all of this.  I truly believe that this sort of "lack of" or unhappy where you are at in life will tend to prevent you from getting exactly what you want.  

What you need to do IMO is be very happy with where you are and content as a springboard to get where you want to go.  Some research on this as well (scientific for both that I said above).  I think if you cultivate this much better internal attitude and change some of your mindset/thinking patterns and then simultaneously work the steps that would take you toward your goal (but not obsessively, that kind of internal pressure comes out and especially for a relationship-oriented goal tends to turn people off).  So the "steps" would probably look like this: make sure you are doing what you need to do to make dating happen and a priority (socialize, use dating apps/sites, flirt and be open, start up conversations and stretch yourself; maybe even ask your friends to set you up, or organize group mixed things yourself; make single friends if the majority of your friends are married/with a partner).  Then work the "steps" like a habit without putting too much pressure on yourself or black and white thinking.  An example would be if you match with a guy from an app and feel like he is "perfect" yet the date doesn't go your way, then you would become fatalistic about dating or discouraged.  A lighter, breezier attitude and taking things at the smallest step will help you in your goal.  It helps not to jump all the way to the end (like wondering if "this guy is it? will you have your baby and dream life with him?") --yeah, stop that type of thinking and have one good conversation, that leads to a date, that you have fun and make fun on, that leads to another.  If it doesn't work out, know that it will because you believe in your value to the right guy and if one guy doesn't get it, he must not be the right guy. That keeps you from getting discouraged and is magnetic.  Just keep moving forward--happily because you love your life and yourself.  In the meantime, do hobbies and activities that you like and can get into.  It's good if they have a "direct" component of meeting a guy, like coed stuff but if they don't it's not necessarily a bad thing.  Often if you think linear, you miss opportunities.  Like let's say you do an activity that is mostly or all women--well one of those new women friends might have a brother or invite you to a dinner with a group of her friends and the man of your dreams could be there.  Generally, if you haven't found HIM yet, you need to expand your social circle and contacts--both directly and indirectly.

There are good resources for changing your thinking patterns and mindset.  I'm just going to bold though the things that betray what is going on inside of you, that will sabotage your dating efforts (focusing on dating since that would seem to be a direct, coupled approach to getting the love/baby/family you want though the other suggestions are great too!).

18 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

I haven't been active in here for about a year, but now I need some support. For almost two years ago, when I was 37, my ex and I broke up. I wanted children, he didn't and finding a happy medium wasn't possible. I loved him very much and he was my first and only serious relationship. The time that followed was very hard and sad and today I still haven't moved on completely.

Since our break up I have been in fertility treatment as a single mom by choice, but I haven't fallen pregnant yet. I have dated a bit, but it never turned into anything serious with any of them. My dream was and still is to have a family with a man, but regarding my age I know it will be very hard. Besides that I have never been lucky in love and the men I fell in love with never wanted me (besides my ex). The last year has been so hard and I'm losing my hope for a happy future. I'm turing 40 this year and sometimes I feel like my life is over. I know it maybe sounds silly for people who are older than me, but that's how I'm feeling. I look at other people my age who have husbands or wifes and children and I also want that, but it's like my life wont turn out that way. I'm having a hard time accepting that. This year I'm planning to have more treatments, but I can't go on forever. At some point my body and mind will say stop. I know there're more possiblities like using an egg donor or adopting, and maybe I wil be open to that at some point, but I think the main problem is giving up the dream about a "real" family. 

I never thought I would be in this place. I never thought I would be single and childless by 39. I'm scared when I think about my future. I don't know what I will do when I'm 50 and still single and childless. I feel weird, unwanted and lonely. I know everything can change, but how do I keep up the faith and hope? And how can I accept my life as it is right now and find peace?   

The parts I bolded are limiting beliefs.  It's also the way you feel and therefore PRESENT to the world.  So at least try to get yourself to "neutral" which opens you to the POSSIBILITY.  (neutral: "it hasn't happened yet, but it could or even better, it will). Also if you haven't moved on completely, maybe you are waiting for something inside of you to change to "feel" differently.  Do something outside of you to impact your feelings and help you move on.  It's like you reverse the process--put yourself in MOTION.  So this might look like dating--sure might the guys not be ones that are IT for you, that's fine, revel in just being engaging and creating experiences.  It's one date and then move on if that guy isn't it.  Instead of being a girl who doesn't date, you will be a girl that is dating--open to possibilities and having practice and maybe, hopefully lighthearted about it all.  A heavy person is IMO harder to have these good, open whirlwind things.  Try to find a bit more of that in yourself. 

Saying that you've never been lucky in love and no one besides your ex wanted you--is extremely limiting.  It's a roadblock to everything you want so you have to believe that it's possible for yourself.  If you can't believe it from us telling you, try this: look at couples you see around or think of your friends and acquaintances that are coupled and I'm sure you will think "wow, he/she is really NOT that special but yet there they are in a relationship".  You will have to time this for when you are not particularly down so it doesn't make you feel more down, like the odd person out.  But generally it should open up the possibilities that if they can do it, you can too.  I hope you keep working on all this stuff--you really can change your perspective and the filter you use for your thinking to position yourself much better and more likely to get the life you want.  Good luck

Edited January 3, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Lost1981]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

...Good luck

Thank you so much for taking your time to write this reply ❤️ Great perspective on things. It's very useful. 

Edited January 3, 2021 by Lost1981

[ShyViolet]

I feel like you are denying yourself the chance at having the love and companionship of a relationship,  just because of this fixation on having children.... something that is becoming a little more unrealistic and you need to accept might not happen.  You need to be at peace with things as they are, not as you wish they would be.  Wouldn't it be better to at least allow yourself to have someone to share your life with, a romantic partner?  You make it sound like you can't have one without the other.  Why not date?  

[Lost1981]

21 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I feel like you are denying yourself the chance at having the love and companionship of a relationship,  just because of this fixation on having children.... something that is becoming a little more unrealistic and you need to accept might not happen.  You need to be at peace with things as they are, not as you wish they would be.  Wouldn't it be better to at least allow yourself to have someone to share your life with, a romantic partner?  You make it sound like you can't have one without the other.  Why not date?  

I have been dating, but I don't get so many matches (I used Tinder) as I did, when I was younger. The few men I've met weren't interested in a romantic relationship with me or vice versa. But I'm not really sure what your advice to me is? I can't really put my fertility treatment on hold anymore and it really is hard to find a man, who will accept me going through treament while we are dating. I'm not saying it's impossible...but I don't really think many would want that.

Of course I can't go on forever. I'm not intersted in being a mom at 50 or even 45. But as long as I can get treatment and the doctors think there's a chance I will continue. 

Edited January 3, 2021 by Lost1981

[Ellener]

Good luck with the treatment @Lost1981

 

[Lost1981]

Just now, Ellener said:

Good luck with the treatment @Lost1981

 

Thank you ❤️

[Versacehottie]

BTW, what about other apps besides tinder?  I don't know what is available and what the perception is where you live of the various apps but I think using tinder (for example, if you were in the US) might have some obstacles to what you want built in due to how others perceive it.  It's not impossible to find a relationship with tinder, of course, but it may not be the primary motive initially from guys using it and then if you are sensitive and working with a belief system that is not advantageous to you, the relationship itself won't have time to take off.  At the very least, use it in conjunction with another one. 

good luck