I'm having a midlife crisis

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

I have been dating, but I don't get so many matches (I used Tinder) as I did, when I was younger. The few men I've met weren't interested in a romantic relationship with me or vice versa. But I'm not really sure what your advice to me is? I can't really put my fertility treatment on hold anymore and it really is hard to find a man, who will accept me going through treament while we are dating. I'm not saying it's impossible...but I don't really think many would want that.

I had this exact mentality around age 40: I'm over the hill now and nobody will want to date me, and certainly not if I'm honest about the fact that I'd like to have kids if possible. Surely that will scare off so many men.

Once I got past the "scary age" of 40, I got over that mentality and got into a more positive mindset. I realized that in being honest about wanting to have kids if possible, I'd narrow the pool. However, I stopped looking at this as a bad thing and put it all out there. My thinking was that a man who really loves a woman who wants to try for kids will be up for trying to have kids with her, going for the whole enchilada - and why bother with anything less than a man who really loves you?

Suddenly it became very easy to get dates with men on the same page. Time got away from a lot of us women out there - and the same thing happened to just as many men. I've found there are lots of eligible men in their mid-40s and up who haven't had kids yet for whatever reason, or who have kids but are divorced and open to having more.

I think your biggest barrier right now is mindset - and you'll probably have to get through the "scary age" of 40 before this goes away. I'd also advise against Tinder. Though there are some success stories, it's widely known as a hookup app. I never used Tinder, but did use only free sites, as I didn't want to have to pay for dates. But... if I ever do online dating again, I'll probably try a paid site. I think that automatically weeds out a lot of the guys looking for something fast and easy, as most of them will stick to the free sites and go for quantity over quality. 

Edited January 3, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[HiCrunchy]

I would try to visualize my life either partnered with no baby of my own or single with a baby, and seeing which option appeals to you more.

If having a baby is extremely important in the way you see your future, I think the treatments are great next step. Finding love can happen at any age but fertility becomes a bit more complicated as we age. Having your baby takes off a lot of pressure, so you can date without this looming over your head. Plus plenty of men have children in their 30s, 40s, and 50s so its not strange that you would too.

If you would prefer to have a baby only if you found the right man, then I would focus on trying to dating not worrying about being 40 and child free. As many lovely ladies have pointed on this forum, there are many ways to fill that maternal role.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we plan, but it doesn't mean it can't be as fun.

Edited January 4, 2021 by HiCrunchy
missing word

[Lost1981]

23 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Suddenly it became very easy to get dates with men on the same page. Time got away from a lot of us women out there - and the same thing happened to just as many men. I've found there are lots of eligible men in their mid-40s and up who haven't had kids yet for whatever reason, or who have kids but are divorced and open to having more.

That sounds promising. But maybe it has to be a man, who wants to have children, but is ok with not having any, because maybe I can't give him any. During my time on Tinder I talked to men who either REALLY wanted children at some point (like in 5 years which it too long for me to wait) or already had children and didn't want more. But I guess it's possible to find someone who wants children, but it's not so important to him. 

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, Lost1981 said:

But maybe it has to be a man, who wants to have children, but is ok with not having any, because maybe I can't give him any. 

I thought it would be hard to find men on the same page as me - would like to have kids, but accepts it might not happen and will be OK with that. Once I got clear about what I wanted, it was easy. I've talked to LOTS of men in that boat, especially 45+ with no kids. They're open to it but OK if it doesn't happen. 

My last boyfriend and I had our issues, but at least he was a good dad and solid provider. He has two grown kids and wanted more, but accepted that it might not happen at his age. He said he went through the same exact thinking that I did for a while: I'd like to have kids, but I'm probably too old for any woman to consider that with me. Then he tried getting over that mental block, and then we met. He asked me on the dating site before we met where I stood on kids. I said I'd like to if it's possible, but will be OK if it doesn't - he said he felt exactly the same way. He's mid-50s, but in better health and condition than a lot of men half his age, a good dad, a good provider, wanted marriage and more kids. We got very close, as close as I've ever been. I considered making the tradeoff on our disagreements so I could have a family, but ultimately decided it was better to hold out for a more harmonious relationship or even just be single than force it.