BlissfulIgnorance Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) I’m 19. I met this guy on tinder, and according to him he’s 30 years old. The first time we met in person, he brought me to a motel which I didn’t expect but consented to anyway. We had sex twice and other things in his car which all happened within a month. He never used a condom and I in fact told him that I didn’t wanna have sex the second time we met which he agreed to but wanted cuddles and foreplays yet we still ended up having sex. I made it clear to him that I’m not the type of girl who hooks up with random people and that I wasn’t looking for a f*** buddy on tinder so I asked him what we were to which he replied with “friends with benefits”. He then asked me what I wanted after he told me that he doesn’t want any commitment nor pain, I told him that I’m fine without committing but if we’re gonna have sex then we have to be more than f*** buddies and that I want to know him. We reached an agreement that we’re both gonna go with the flow and I directly asked him if we were dating at that stage and he said yes. Long story short, he came off to me as a really private and secretive person. I even told him straight to his face “you seem so mysterious as if you’re hiding a lot of things”, he responded with a smile. When he lies, it’s kind of obvious because he pauses and lowers his voice but I chose to respect if he didn’t want to share more since we’ve only been seeing each other for a short period of time so I didn’t bug him about it. However, there was something he said that bothered me. I told him that I’m leaving the country soon. He replied with “don’t forget me when you leave”. “Why would I do that?” I asked. “Someday you’ll wish you hadn’t met me, you’ll hate me and you’ll curse me” he answered with certainty and as usual I asked why, and got a smile in response. All I could do was stare at him and wonder why. I got home and stalked his facebook account. I dug so deep. I found another account of his, with his real name, different from the name he gave me. There I found photos of him with a teenager, I checked the tagged person, he was my facebook friend, who my friends know in person. I analyzed the photo and it looked like two siblings in mall taking mirror selfies. I then read the comments and there I froze and turned cold, I could feel and hear my heart pounding as if it’s going to fall out of my chest. “You two look like siblings”, “your son’s all grown up”, “your son’s more handsome than you now”. His son is 16 and studying in the same school I left 3 years ago that’s how my friends know him. I dug deeper and found out he has 2 more children. Presumably 14 and 8, also presumably with different mothers based on the information I got from stalking them online, tho, I’m not 100% certain. So from that I’m assuming he lied about his age too. He could be 35+ because the mothers of his children look nowhere like theyre in their early 30’s and his eldest son is 16! Either he was a father at 14 or he’s older than he claims. Looks are indeed deceiving. Now my mind is racing whether he deserves to know what I feel and think about him. I wrote him a paragraph expressing how I feel about what I just found out. In the letter I apologized if I’ve crossed a line somewhere by stalking his personal life on facebook and that I still adore him because he’s smart and it’s really hard for me to resist the urge of being with him but I’m too young to deal with that kind of drama and baggage. I’m torn between judging him and not judging him. I feel like he’s a f***boy but at the same time I feel like he’s a good person beyond all that. However, I was going to end our relationship even before I found out about his children because he’s always busy and I felt used for sex but with the time we spent together and the things he shared with me about his views on pain commitment, self-harm, success, travels, adventures, money, and relationships, I feel that he’s hurting. He’s a grown ass man for me to handle but I can’t help myself from feeling pity because despite the lies, I understand. Should I ghost him or express one last time? I’m caught up between thinking he has f***ed a lot of girls, been in the exact situation as this a lot of times and he’s a good person and his past doesn’t define him. What would you guys do? Either way I’m ending whatever we have but Im hoping we’ll end on good terms. Should I send my letter? Is it worth it? Edited January 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs, removed explicit details. Link to post Share on other sites
maggiemtn Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) He gave you a fake name, pressured you into sex, probably lied about his age, and said you were dating but never revealed he had children? Why do you want to be on good terms with that type of person? Don’t send the letter. There’s no point. RUN, don’t walk, far, far away. He doesn’t sound like he ever wanted anything other than sex, but you wanted more. This wasn’t a relationship at all, but I’m sorry you’re hurting. Block him and pray for the next woman he tries to swindle. To be fair, I don’t have kids, so I don’t know how most people handle that situation—yes some people are very private— but I’ve gone on dates with guys who do have kids and they’ve always told me yes, they have children. Never met the kids, even had to decline an invitation for that because it was too soon for me. But I would think that’s something you would tell someone you’re “dating.” Edited January 3, 2021 by maggiemtn 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, theyneverloved said: I still adore him Why? This man lied to you, took you to a motel on your first “date,” he had unprotected sex with a young woman basically half his age, and he did not respect your words when you told him that you didn’t want to have sex. I’m sorry, because this will sound harsh but I want to be clear - this is predatory behavior. You should block this man and you need to be more discriminating about your sexual partners/practice safe sex in the future. Edited January 3, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 Sad.This 🐖 just used you for sex.He planned it by make sure he take you to motel.Isolating you,presure you. Dont date online and such old guy. You are very young .Talk people your age in your city. You should do this online research way before you meet someone. Many sick people online.This coulda end way worse for you. Always meet in open places at daytime,and where there os many people. Stick to your no.Walk away if they keep presure you. Block this guy.Dont talk or meet ever.he had bad intentions😷😷🐖 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 I think he saw the opportunity to screw around with a younger woman and took it. I'd guess he looks young for his age and/or likes younger women (as many men tend to, although 19 to 35 is a pretty big gap), so he made the fake social media account/fake name etc so he can do exactly that. In fact, it's reasonably likely that you're one of several significantly younger women he's done this with and that this is a method he's come up with to accomplish exactly that. So, yes, unless you're somehow ok with all of this, leave him behind. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 Sorry to hear that. It would be best to practice safe dating and safe sex. If you are looking for a relationship get on some quality apps and get to know someone first. Run from anyone who treats you like a call girl. 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlissfulIgnorance Posted January 3, 2021 Author Share Posted January 3, 2021 2 hours ago, maggiemtn said: said you were dating but never revealed he had children After we had sex, he actually asked me if I have a boyfriend/husband or kids. I confidently said no and asked him the same and he faintly laughed then went to wash up. I didn’t think much of it because he looks young and acts young. I wish I had known & wish i wasn’t so blind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlissfulIgnorance Posted January 3, 2021 Author Share Posted January 3, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: call girl Ugh sht! I was actually going to tell him how I felt and thats exactly the word I was gonna use. I felt like a call girl, a hoe and all he ever said was a pissed “wow” when I said I felt used. I still feel like crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 2 minutes ago, theyneverloved said: . I felt like a call girl, Unfortunately, there are plenty of creeps like him trawling tinder for free legal sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlissfulIgnorance Posted January 3, 2021 Author Share Posted January 3, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: you need to be more discriminating about your sexual partners/practice safe sex in the future. Tho its not my first time having sex and my ex and I always used protection, it’s my first time hooking up. I will definitely take your advice because after we had sex I was so stressed with pregnancy scare. I asked him to use a condom but he kept saying he knows what he’s doing. We were making out in bed and when he was about to penetrate I firmly said “don’t” but he continued anyway. It was easier to get it over with than start drama and be blamed for it. However, I’m not sure if I was pressured into it because I can’t deny that I enjoyed it but I won’t ever hook up with people I barely know. Thanks for the advice! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) You are sleeping with a married man who is well over the age of 30, OP. That is why he's taking you motels and having sex in his car. That's why he's secretive and always "busy." He doesn't want his wife (or girlfriend) to find out. You are being played like a fiddle by a guy that's probably old enough to be your dad. He is using your naivety and lack of life experience to his full advantage. Shame on him. He's not hurting and doesn't need your understanding. He's screwing around on his real partner, whoever she is, and manipulating you with BS sob stories so you'll keep sleeping with him. You need to stop falling for it. Also - never, never agree to go a motel with a strange man you met online. That's so incredibly dangerous. Likewise for unprotected sex with a stranger. You told him you're not the kind of girl to hook up with random people, but unfortunately, your actions with him suggest the exact opposite. This works well for him, as he sees you don't have boundaries, but girl - please do a better job of protecting yourself. Block this creep, OP. He is only seeing you for the sex, and doesn't care about you. I can promise you that you're not the only young girl he's taking advantage of. Please don't be "understanding;" he's laughing all the way to the next girl's bed while you're feeling sorry for a guy that doesn't actually give a fig. Please get yourself tested for STIs/HIV as well. Any guy who's sleazy enough to meet teens off the internet in a motel is not the kind of man who ever takes precautions; you have no idea what sort of nastiness he's already exposed you to. Pregnancy is not the only thing you should be worried about here. Edited January 3, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, theyneverloved said: I asked him to use a condom but he kept saying he knows what he’s doing. Clearly, he knew what he was doing and your health and well-being was not even a consideration for him. He wanted to have unprotected sex with you and he didn’t care about the risk of pregnancy or STDs. YOU need to get tested for STDs, you have no idea where this man has been or who he has has sex with/what he has exposed you to by having unprotected sex. If you are not in a long term relationship and a man doesn’t agree to wear a condom, there should be no sex. Full stop. Quote We were making out in bed and when he was about to penetrate I firmly said “don’t” but he continued anyway. It was easier to get it over with than start drama and be blamed for it. However, I’m not sure if I was pressured into it because I can’t deny that I enjoyed it It doesn’t matter whether you enjoyed it or not, you said no and he should have respected that. Full stop. Expat is correct, you told him that you were not the kind of girl to hook up with random people but that is exactly what you did here. This was a learning experience, if you don’t want to be used for sex NEVER, EVER do this again. It puts your safety at risk and it’s not ever going to bring you any kind of happiness. Edited January 3, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 13 hours ago, theyneverloved said: I in fact told him that I didn’t wanna have sex the second time we met which he agreed to but wanted cuddles and foreplays yet we still ended up having sex. So you are completely out of control? 13 hours ago, theyneverloved said: I got home and stalked his facebook account. I dug so deep. This man should be running from you as much as you should be running from him. You are not ready for sex or relationships, reading what you write makes me feel very motherly- where are your own parents? Why are you confusing sex with affection and love? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 14 minutes ago, Ellener said: This man should be running from you as much as you should be running from him. For more reasons than one. A different woman would have gone to the police and charged him with sexual assault. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: For more reasons than one. A different woman would have gone to the police and charged him with sexual assault. a different man might have left @theyneverloved battered or dead. Both are 'playing with fire' and being irresponsible and careless. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 @theyneverloved I know the common parlance is to never blame the victim, but IRL it is up to every woman to be very aware of how things could go terribly wrong here and so avoid getting herself into situations where she may be weak and powerless and end up getting hurt, either physically or emotionally or both... This guy essentially raped you, but there was nothing you could do about it as you put yourself into a weak and powerless position. Do not do that again. Think things through before you act. You say you are not the kind of girl who does random hookups but by accepting the motel first date you are exactly that. You say you are fine with no commitment but want "more"... but with no commitment, you do not get "more", it doesn't work like that. A guy with three hidden kids and who is lying about his age is a guy you either bin straight away or you accept the NSA sex and do not expect "more". Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 17 hours ago, theyneverloved said: after we had sex I was so stressed with pregnancy scare. I asked him to use a condom but he kept saying he knows what he’s doing NEVER accept that. It's possible to pull out before ejaculating, but that is BY NO MEANS an effective contraception method. Also what about STD/STI's? No condom should = no go, period, end of story. (And I'm male.) Wonder how he got those kids... I DO agree that there's also at least a chance he's married as well. 17 hours ago, theyneverloved said: We were making out in bed and when he was about to penetrate I firmly said “don’t” but he continued anyway. It was easier to get it over with than start drama and be blamed for it. However, I’m not sure if I was pressured into it because I can’t deny that I enjoyed it I think many folks would say that he raped you, at least technically, although your opinion of that perhaps means more than an outsiders. It's your word against his so not really possible to prove, I think, in most jurisdictions anyway. There's hookups and there's hookups. This guy did NOT give you a positive experience by any stretch. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 Everyone else has already said it all. This guy is a serious creep. I'd block him and never have anything to do with him again. And you seriously need to work on your self-esteem and judgment. Do you have a mom, aunts, sisters, any female friends you can talk to about your dating life? This situation could have ended up much worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) Find who his current partner is on FB, and tell her. Ruin his life. Edited January 4, 2021 by Commongoal123 Edit. Link to post Share on other sites
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