Living alone in home where you suffered abuse

[butterfingerbbz]

I left my abusive relationship about 6 months ago. Typical of abuse, it was about a year & a half of hell dealing with her violent eruptions, rages, screaming, throwing things, threatening herself, threatening me, storming out of the house at night and not returning for hours, constant walking on eggshells, etc., but also a lot of fun times. I could barely breathe by the end. I finally left after she hit me. Fast forward to today, I'm doing just fine, though I still have moments of sadness or guilt over the relationship. For the most part I'm optimistic about my future.

We both moved out of that apartment but recently I learned that it's still vacant and I have an opportunity to move back in. I liked that place quite a bit, and thanks to Covid the building management is looking to entice a new tenant with some discounts and apartment upgrades. I viewed it last week, and when I was standing in that space alone where so much abuse occurred in such a short time I realized that I'm perfectly okay being here, even though there are some remnants of her damage still hidden there (places where only I'd notice). A week later though, now I have some trepidation about signing a lease and being back. It's kind of a back and forth of emotions. Thanks to 2020 being such a lost and stagnant year, it feels like only last week that I moved out of there. In a way a lot of her destruction still feels fresh.

I'm curious, has anybody here ever stayed in their home where the abuse occurred, and how did you deal with it? I'm not in a rush to move, but I see it as an opportunity.

 

Edited January 3, 2021 by butterfingerbbz

[Ellener]

45 minutes ago, butterfingerbbz said:

I liked that place quite a bit, and thanks to Covid the building management is looking to entice a new tenant with some discounts and apartment upgrades.

Could you live in another apartment at the same place?

 

[butterfingerbbz]

34 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Could you live in another apartment at the same place?

 

Unfortunately no. It’s not a big building and the other vacancies are more expensive. My unit is actually the cheapest in the building, and it’s already marked down $75 cheaper than when I left. 

[Ellener]

9 hours ago, butterfingerbbz said:

Unfortunately no. It’s not a big building and the other vacancies are more expensive. My unit is actually the cheapest in the building, and it’s already marked down $75 cheaper than when I left. 

I considered going back to England, and the most affordable place to rent was a place I rented then almost bought over 30 years ago as a young newly-wed. I decided against it, thought it would bring out my melancholy side. I had a boss years ago who used to say 'never go back- whatever you're looking for won't be the same'! It's usually jobs which draw me back in, occasionally friendships, and to date they never worked out for the same reasons they didn't in the first place.

A home? Depends what it symbolises to you. I'm not very sentimental about 'things'. That said I recently did another inventory of my possessions and removed any which hold me in the past or a fantasy of something...and I've had a lot more productive creative energy since.

One of my friends had to live in a ( very lovely ) home where her husband was abusive as part of the divorce settlement arrangements; she did a native American 'cleansing ritual' with burning sage. And she sold up and got 'her own place' as soon as she was clear of her children's arrangements.

[d0nnivain]

If in your mind returning to that apartment with a fresh coat of paint, some other upgrades & lower rent is a sign of achievement that will give you a sense of peace & triumph, go ahead.  If it will trigger you or set you back find some place else. 

[Wiseman2]

A haunted house is never a bargain.

[butterfingerbbz]

Thanks for the advice everybody. I really stewed about it for a few days and decided that it would be best to just move on from that place and leave it in the past.