Is my wife having an affair?

[Runnytoast]

My wife works for a small company for several years and is PA to the guy who owns it. He is very charismatic and they get on well. She enjoys her job and it suits our set up.

Last Christmas she returned from her Christmas party with a pair of designer shoes and said her boss had bought them for her. I found this odd but didn’t think too much of it. I later found out he’d bought her other gifts too at different times.

When covid arrived they set up office in my home. I was out in the week and the place was and still is quiet. I noticed at first hand how well they get on. They’re always laughing and whispering and just have a lot of chemistry. This bothered me a little but what really started me thinking was one day in the summer they were going out for a meeting and he came to collect her. When he saw her he complimented her appearance and asked her to turn around. He then looks her up and down and then grins at me saying I’m a lucky guy!

As I say I’ve no evidence and I don’t want to accuse her but they spend every week day alone in my home, he makes himself at home and he’s even showered there.

Am I being paranoid? He’s married also just for the record

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Runnytoast said:

 he’s even showered there.

Not sure if they are cheating, but this is hardly included in work-from-home protocol. It's wildly inappropriate.

It's time to have straight forward communication about your own house and appropriate boundaries.

While you can't change whatever flattering rapport they have, you can change what goes on in your own home.

 

[Keridan]

You have to address this. If it's false, you will go crazy anyway. If it's tru, u need to get out. Instead of being worried about being paranoid, worry about how you can confront it and have it over

[Runnytoast]

In relation to the shower she says she wants him to treat it as if it’s his home whilst they’re working and I’ve tried speaking about this but just get dismissed as being insecure. She says they have a brother / sister relationship 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Runnytoast said:

In relation to the shower she says she wants him to treat it as if it’s his home whilst they’re working 

Nonsense. It's not his home. It's your home. Taking a shower in your house is not working from home.

Insist on marriage therapy. Make her aware that you mean business.

[Saracena]

From you post OP, I don't get the sense they are actually having an affair. For one thing their 'behaviour'in your presence appears to be too overt for this.  So I would tend to believe your wife at this point. However, I don't blame you at all for feeling uneasy witnessing all of this (I know I would) and I'm surprised your wife doesn't see this, though I guess if she feels she's nothing to hide. They just a a good relationship. End of.

However, I've little doubt that, given half a chance he would be up for one! He obviously admires her.  I find his behaviour very inappropriate and disrespectful to you though.

[trident_2020]

Easy enough to find out, set up a spy camera here or there and/or some voice activated recorders.

Then make yourself scarce and let her know you'll be gone a while.

You'll get your answers.

[S2B]

53 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Easy enough to find out, set up a spy camera here or there and/or some voice activated recorders.

Then make yourself scarce and let her know you'll be gone a while.

You'll get your answers.

Yep, time to find out exactly what they are doing/saying when you are away. You will be able to see it happening in real time on your phone app.

I have used nest cameras with great results.

Edited January 3, 2021 by S2B

[Marc878]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Nonsense. It's not his home. It's your home. Taking a shower in your house is not working from home.

Insist on marriage therapy. Make her aware that you mean business.

Exactly. Get a copy of “Not Just Friends” by glass.

Zero boundaries. You know it and are doing nothing. Your home, your wife, your marriage.

Wake up before you get woke up.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

11 hours ago, Saracena said:

From you post OP, I don't get the sense they are actually having an affair. For one thing their 'behaviour'in your presence appears to be too overt for this.  So I would tend to believe your wife at this point. However, I don't blame you at all for feeling uneasy witnessing all of this (I know I would) and I'm surprised your wife doesn't see this, though I guess if she feels she's nothing to hide. They just a a good relationship. End of.

However, I've little doubt that, given half a chance he would be up for one! He obviously admires her.  I find his behaviour very inappropriate and disrespectful to you though.

This is how affairs start. Bank on that.

[Marc878]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

Yep, time to find out exactly what they are doing/saying when you are away. You will be able to see it happening in real time on your phone app.

I have used nest cameras with great results.

If you have access to her phone. There’s usually proof in the deleted text messages.

cameras maybe easily spotted unless you’re  careful. A couple well placed voice activated recorders maybe a better option.

[Commongoal123]

17 hours ago, Runnytoast said:

In relation to the shower she says she wants him to treat it as if it’s his home whilst they’re working and I’ve tried speaking about this but just get dismissed as being insecure. She says they have a brother / sister relationship 

This right here is a bunch of BS.... Red flags all over OP.

[Saracena]

4 hours ago, Marc878 said:

This is how affairs start. Bank on that.

Gosh yes indeed. I was just commenting on how things currently stand. 

[snowboy91]

From your description he (your wife's boss) sounds very keen. Showering her with gifts and plenty of time spent with her.

I'm wondering what your wife's story is on this - is she playing right into it because she seems interested or is she somewhat forced into it for the sake of her job? There is a definite power dynamic here to take into account.

Either way a serious discussion needs to happen very soon.

[Pottering About]

Hi, sorry that you find yourself worrying about this.

I have to say right from the outset that I am going to be cautious about this. Your wife has worked for the company for many years and the PA role brings any boss and PA into close contact which, in turn and in many cases, brings about a different relationship from the normal. In many cases, this is manifested by a very comfortable and relaxed approach when they are together.

I have worked with a couple of PAs at different times for long periods. We developed relationships described in your original post that were not amorous, emotional or physical in any way. I really did appreciate their work and them as individuals and expressed this at times through gifts, particularly birthdays and Christmas. In truth, this was generally the norm in my organisation and I think many others.

Having tried to establish a base line, can we look at your situation?

- The big change is that you see how they inter-act because they are working from home. Have you noticed any changes in your relationship or her treatment/behaviour towards you or are they continuing to work together in the same way as if they were still in the office?

- Did you have any concerns about their relationship over the years prior to seeing them together?

- His complementing your wife was a bit out of line but did she react in any way to make you have concerns? If I had a penny for every time my wife was complemented at work, I would probably have several hundred £s saved up.

- If they are using your absence to maintain an affair, do you think it would be better to keep them working at your house where you can set up and control any surveillance equipment suggested by others? I am not suggesting in any way that you do this, just pointing out it is better done in your house if you choose to go down that road. It may however, give you the degree of assurance you require.

- The showering thing? Yes, not too comfortable with that but that is from a personal hygiene perspective only. Taking a similar approach when talking to your wife has a reasonable logic behind it.

- Making himself at home? Is this because he feels welcome and comfortable in your house, rather than being inconsiderate and a bit “alpha male”? Have you discussed boundaries with your wife about what makes you feel uncomfortable? However, if you do want to set up surveillance etc, you may want to hold fire on this as they may relocate.

- Are you going to talk further to your wife about your concerns or are you going to wait and see if other red flags and/or evidence presents itself before you start rocking the boat?

I am going to stick my neck out here and say I don’t think they have a current relationship over and above a common or normal Boss:PA dynamic and I don’t think they are being intentionally disrespectful to you. The problem is that it is on display in front of you in your house. If they were working from the normal office premises and you had not seen this, would you have had concerns?

I really hope I am right and wish you all the best.

 

[usa1ah]

On 1/3/2021 at 10:17 PM, Runnytoast said:

My wife works for a small company for several years and is PA to the guy who owns it. He is very charismatic and they get on well. She enjoys her job and it suits our set up.

Last Christmas she returned from her Christmas party with a pair of designer shoes and said her boss had bought them for her. I found this odd but didn’t think too much of it. I later found out he’d bought her other gifts too at different times.

When covid arrived they set up office in my home. I was out in the week and the place was and still is quiet. I noticed at first hand how well they get on. They’re always laughing and whispering and just have a lot of chemistry. This bothered me a little but what really started me thinking was one day in the summer they were going out for a meeting and he came to collect her. When he saw her he complimented her appearance and asked her to turn around. He then looks her up and down and then grins at me saying I’m a lucky guy!

As I say I’ve no evidence and I don’t want to accuse her but they spend every week day alone in my home, he makes himself at home and he’s even showered there.

Am I being paranoid? He’s married also just for the record

You are a fool to allow this to go on in the first place. 
 

You have allowed all of this to happen by sitting on your azz not saying a word. Why in the hell does he have to shower at your house???? To get the smell of sex off him??? 
 

The time to put a stop to this was a year ago. They’re having sex every day of the week in your own bed from the start of working from your home. 

Edited January 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language and rude comment

[usa1ah]

On 1/3/2021 at 10:33 PM, Runnytoast said:

In relation to the shower she says she wants him to treat it as if it’s his home whilst they’re working and I’ve tried speaking about this but just get dismissed as being insecure. She says they have a brother / sister relationship 

Cheaters lie. 
 

Cheaters lie. 
 

Cheaters lie. 
 

Cheaters lie. 
 

O, if you don’t get it yet. 
 

Cheaters lie. 
 

A brother doesn’t look his sister up and want to have sex with her.  Her boss knows exactly how lucky you are because he is getting it also. 
 

Grow a set and kick the business out of your home. If he is married, I can guarantee that his wife wouldn’t put up with what you have. 
 

Call you wife out on her BS. If she still blows you off, file for divorce. 
 

Put a camera in the hallways going to the bed rooms. See if they go into them together. Get ones that transmit to a pc directly. You will have your answer in a few days. 

Edited January 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Zona]

Affairs with the boss are extremely common, right up there with co-workers, ex's, personal trainers, handy men/contractors. etc.

If you don't take steps to find out more, you may regret it later.

Never ignore your gut!

Few people have been in worse denial than I was. When I read my original thread here on LS from years ago I cringe at what an idiot I was and how I was blind to what was right in front of me.

[mark clemson]

FWIW, I agree that you should consider figuring out a way to investigate this further, if only for your peace of mind. You may need to talk to a lawyer about what actions might be legal or illegal in your jurisdiction, such as voice recording vs visual only recording, IF recording is something you wish to attempt. Privacy laws and similar vary widely.

In the US, many family attorneys will give a free 1/2 hour consultation, and you can visit a few different ones to get multiple questions answered. Not sure if that's true where you are.

Be aware that IF you discover an affair AND have court-admissible evidence of it, in SOME jurisdictions that can significantly impact a divorce settlement. In just a few jurisdictions it's actually possible to sue an affair partner.

IF you discover there is an affair, suggest you REMAIN CALM and plan your next steps with care. As one hypothetical scenario, if you go making accusations, the boss may fire your wife pre-emptively in an effort to avoid further issues. This could easily result in derailing her career and in YOU having to pay MUCH more spousal support that you might otherwise need to if you divorce. Hopefully there will be nothing here, but IF there is suggest you grit your teeth and try to take the most sensible steps possible under the situation.

[SRCSRC]

Most likely they are having an affair.  If not, it will happen soon.  Set up spy cameras and hidden recording devices.  Why in the devil is this guy taking showers at your house?  Why are they working in your house?  Come home unannounced and see what you find. Taking a shower at your house is not normal behavior even if nothing is going on.  People take showers after sex to hide what they did.  I would be shocked if nothing is going on.  Get ready to lawyer up.  If her boss is married, find out her name and phone number.  Get ready to go full nuclear on them.  This stinks to high heaven.

[Bryanp]

Are you serious? This is totally disrespectful to you. How do you think your wife would feel if you went over to another female workmate all the time and take showers at her home? If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[MickeyBill]

Isn't the work at home idea to keep everyone isolated? Why is he coming to your house, he should be at his house.

What other gifts has he given her? Does he give his male employees gifts?

Showering is a pretty personal thing to do at someones house unless you just did some strenuous or messy activity like cutting down trees, cleaning the garage or painting the kitchen. Oh and cleaning up after sex would be good for him if he is going back home.

The he's like a brother often is a cover up to make you into the "creepy" guy by suggesting that she would screw her "brother"...They were working together, going over the powerpoint and yada, yada, yada.

[S2B]

Nice shoes is a pretty personal gift.

looks like they have no boundaries in place.

consider your marriage totally at risk. With no boundaries anything is possible.

ask her to see a counselor to establish what appropriate boundaries look like in a marriage. She isn’t respecting you/your marriage.

[S2B]

On 1/3/2021 at 3:33 AM, Runnytoast said:

In relation to the shower she says she wants him to treat it as if it’s his home whilst they’re working and I’ve tried speaking about this but just get dismissed as being insecure. She says they have a brother / sister relationship 

When he pays the mortgage - he can treat it as his home. That’s disrespectful she would even THINK that!

[Xerad]

Quote

I later found out he’d bought her other gifts too at different times.

Your wife ought to be telling you what gifts he gives her, when he gifts her. Otherwise these small secrets start adding up to bigger secrets.  

 

Emotional affairs are defined by secrets, emotional intimacy and sexual chemistry. The boss has the hots for your wife already, so if I were her, I'd be bending over backwards adjusting the boundaries to include you and exclude him from any secrets even little ones.

 

Is the guy in competition with your marriage?  Does he talk about his wife often and in glowing, loving terms? (Ask your W)

 

If he is an attractive alternative to you, the marital partner, he is a threat,  unless he shows proper deference to you as head of the house and husband of his employee. Does he?

 

I don't like this behavior one bit, but you need those VARs in a few rooms in your house and don't be squeamish about surveillance cameras. They make them designed to look like clocks, toys, anything. Remember that sometimes, the AP doesn't want to use the marital bed to screw around; they may prefer to use the spare bedroom, so stick a VAR in there too. Of course, any room will do.

 

I don't know why they can't use his house. It seems that would be the logical place, with his office and everything. Is his wife home all day? Ask your wife. Find these things out in a calm, matter of fact, off-handed way. Once you act suspicious in the least, things are going to become  extremely uncomfortable. You would be a direct adversary of your wife's boss, and you will find yourself on the outside looking in at them playing indignant and wronged, no matter what they're doing.

 

Don't ever confront her without solid evidence. But definitely look for it while it's so easy for you. Can you imagine if you complained, your wife told her boss, and they started to work out of a hotel room?