can't found myself

[in1t]

hi guys,
last time i wrote you i read all you said and understood. i was going so well in my life. i had final exams, they were hard and i worked so hard too for 3 weeks. than i got covid 19. i was all alone at home. i rested. 
now i'm better after 20 days later. but right now, i feel so empty. i'm 22 yrs old and i feel that situation a lot. nothing make me happy, i dont wanna study or read or do another hobbies. i cant talk my friends or my bf because also i feel too lonely and when i try to talk, i regret it. i'm always at home, no study no reading book no doing hobbies.. i dont wanna wash the dishes. i feel so lost guys. and i cant find the reason. maybe i make myself too lazy so i feel weird things. (for example i jealous my bf no reason, i afraid to die or someone i love, i say myself there is no reason to live, there are poor people or too much street animals so why do i own these things i do not deserve that. i should be alive)
so im lost. lost in myself. when i look people around me "they are gonna leave me in someday, they dont really love me"

at the end of the day i want to go and hug my Mother like a 5 yrs old scared kid. i shame of myself. i try to not mad at myself but do it anyway.

i complain a lot but i dont have any energy or want to fix it.

 

i lost my goals and i feel shame. because of that i may cant talk. dont know. 

 

thank you for reading. 

[d0nnivain]

You are depressed.  Everything you described it what depression feels like -- you feel alone, ashamed, & have no interest in anything.  Been there.  Done that. 

Find a therapist & keep moving.  Especially when you don't want to, get up & do something.  Even if just for 15 minutes.,  Go for a walk.  Clean.  Do your hobbies.  Study.  What you do doesn't matter as long as you are moving & taking action.  It feels counter intuitive because you just want to craw into a ball.  But when you move you get more energy. 

Hang in there. 

Do hug your mother when you feel like it.  Human contact will help you feel better.

Edited January 3, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Ellener]

Hi @in1t ask your doctor about post-viral depression and fatigue. Talk to your mother, tell her you are feeling lost. My son is 24 and I still hug him and reassure him when he's going through something. 

Things will get back on track, it's been a scary, difficult, lonely time.

Set little goals for now, talk positively to yourself and do good self-care, sleep/nutrition/relaxation/gentle exercise etc.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Edited January 3, 2021 by Ellener
adding a hug