Stromae Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 I previously made a thread in the past regarding an approximate 5 year relationship which had ups and downs and was generally unhealthy. The girl I was with was manipulative, would break up and expect me to jump through hoops to get back together, and generally would project things on me. I wasn’t perfect but I was really the only one truly participating in the relationship before she eventually dumped me and immediately became serious with a co-worker. It took me awhile to recover, and although I acknowledge the situation wasn’t right it didn’t make things less painful. I blocked her from Facebook and eventually came to hear she got engaged to the guy she more or less left me for. Well after expecting to never hear from her again the last month or so she randomly viewed a couple of my instagram stories. Not a huge deal though odd as she doesn’t officially follow me, so I just ignored it. She then sent an email a couple days ago saying she’s so sorry for hurting me, can only ask for my forgiveness, and hopes I’m happy. She says she thinks about me at times and wonders if I’m doing well or if I would ever talk to her were we to pass by each other (odd considering we live 3 hours away). That she cared about me a lot but couldn’t picture us being married or having a family together. She also hopes we can be friends someday. Now from my perspective I’m at a loss on what to do. She treated me unkindly during the relationship and after. I’ve acknowledged its over and feel this is her own attempt at closure for herself... but 2 years later? Not sure why she’d bring up her own vague reason for ending things when it’s well beyond the point of mattering anymore. I also don’t see how it’s realistic to be friends for either of us, I really don’t want to hear about her relationship status or other random issues. I care about her a lot but it’s for that reason I feel it may just lead to further hurt for me if I indulge her. Is it wise to reply or just remain silent? I don’t wish to hurt her but I have long since mentally forgiven her. Not sure what closure she is seeking as she was the one who ended things for good, after years of treating me unkindly as I stood by her side and did the most I could for her. I assume she’s still with this other guy but whether or not that’s true is no longer relevant. I acknowledge the apology and appreciate the maturity to do so but also feel like this is more for her than for me, and don’t want to open myself up to being hurt by the same person yet again which a friendship inevitably would do to me. A terrible thought I’ve had is wondering if this is her way of just seeing if I’m still in love with her even as she has no interest herself in anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 You're worried about hurting her? Seriously? What did she do to YOU when she dumped you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dangerous Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 OP, based on the history, you know what to do. But what is strongest, your head or your "little head"? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 If it would make you feel better and give you closure to communicate that you accept her apology, fine. Personally, I'm a big believer in apologizing for my mistakes and expressing forgiveness when anyone sincerely apologizes to me. This helps everybody let go of resentments that aren't doing anybody any good. If I were in your place, I'd probably say thanks, you're forgiven, I don't want to continue a friendship, and I wish you the best. End of story. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
maggiemtn Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 Some people do grow and learn from their mistakes and feel compelled to apologize. This happened to me from an ex long ago, he sent me an email three years after we broke up to apologize for some really awful things he did. I appreciated it. There was no ulterior motive behind it, he didn’t cross any lines, he just really wanted to say he hoped I was doing well and that he was sorry for being so immature years ago. I wrote him back and said I forgave him, apologized for my own mistakes, and moved on with my day. It’s up to you if you want to respond. Do what’s best for you, but forgiveness is for you, not the other person. It sucks to hold onto grudges for years. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 What is your gut telling you? Also... manipulative people tend to stay that way. Not always, but usually. Is it worth the risk to you to respond? What makes YOU feel better? Responding or ignoring? Finally... by responding and telling her you forgive her or something of the sort may alleviate weight she is carrying, which might be a reason why she's reaching out. In other words, it could be that she is reaching out for herself, not for you. If it were me, I wouldn't give her that. You can forgive and move on while not handing that forgiveness over verbally to the other person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hpchic Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Commongoal123 said: What is your gut telling you? Also... manipulative people tend to stay that way. Not always, but usually. Is it worth the risk to you to respond? What makes YOU feel better? Responding or ignoring? Finally... by responding and telling her you forgive her or something of the sort may alleviate weight she is carrying, which might be a reason why she's reaching out. In other words, it could be that she is reaching out for herself, not for you. If it were me, I wouldn't give her that. You can forgive and move on while not handing that forgiveness over verbally to the other person. I agree her reaching out to you seems like she’s looking to alleviate her guilt. Honestly, it’s extremely rare that an ex would reach out and apologize for your benefit. Apologies tend to come from guilt, therefore when we as humans apologize it’s because we know we did something wrong and we feel bad/guilty about it. Any person who apologizes is hoping you will forgive them even if they expect you won’t, that’s just human nature. That being said, you can tell her you forgive her and wish her well. Or you can choose to not respond, however if the reason you are not responding is because you want her walking around harboring this guilt, I doubt that is what will happen. If you don’t tell her you’ve forgiven she’ll just think of you as bitter and still not over her, and that will make her feel better. I can understand not forgiving someone a few months after a breakup, but two years? Seems enough time has passed where you can tell her you’ve forgiven her and both of you can move on. IMO, if you tell her you’ve forgiven her, she’ll think highly and fondly of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stromae Posted January 4, 2021 Author Share Posted January 4, 2021 Thank you all for your input. I read all the posts and see where everyone is coming from. As I stated myself and as others have suggested.. a friendship really isn’t possible. I don’t wish to hold this over her head as it doesn’t do anyone any good least of all myself. In the end I know what happened and she knows what happened. I certainly think this is for her to relieve herself of guilt rather than anything specific towards me. Perhaps she doesn’t deserve that final decency from me but I also don’t want to carry the burden of any grudges. I would not treat someone in the way she did, certainly not someone who I “deeply cared for” as she put it. The funny thing is that after the breakup I was desperate to at least remain in contact and be friends.. by the time I heard back I wished she had never sent the email and allowed me to keep the past buried in the past. My personal friends saw the way things happened and don’t feel it’s worth a second thought and doesn’t deserve a reply. That any form of contact would re open old wounds and allow me to be hurt again by someone I’ve done my best to move on from. I do appreciate the advice of strangers though who can view things from at least a slightly less biased perspective. I’ll think it over but at the most may simply say that I forgive her and leave it at that. No mention of friendship as I think she would not message again should she receive the forgiveness she seeks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 Unfortunately whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own selfish reasons. Attention, mostly. You know you don't owe a response. Stop and reflect on whether this contact disrupts your peace and life as you have it now. Personally, I would not recommend opening a dialogue. The saccharine olive branch seems more like a Trojan horse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hpchic Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 28 minutes ago, Stromae said: Thank you all for your input. I read all the posts and see where everyone is coming from. As I stated myself and as others have suggested.. a friendship really isn’t possible. I don’t wish to hold this over her head as it doesn’t do anyone any good least of all myself. In the end I know what happened and she knows what happened. I certainly think this is for her to relieve herself of guilt rather than anything specific towards me. Perhaps she doesn’t deserve that final decency from me but I also don’t want to carry the burden of any grudges. I would not treat someone in the way she did, certainly not someone who I “deeply cared for” as she put it. The funny thing is that after the breakup I was desperate to at least remain in contact and be friends.. by the time I heard back I wished she had never sent the email and allowed me to keep the past buried in the past. My personal friends saw the way things happened and don’t feel it’s worth a second thought and doesn’t deserve a reply. That any form of contact would re open old wounds and allow me to be hurt again by someone I’ve done my best to move on from. I do appreciate the advice of strangers though who can view things from at least a slightly less biased perspective. I’ll think it over but at the most may simply say that I forgive her and leave it at that. No mention of friendship as I think she would not message again should she receive the forgiveness she seeks. I think that’s a good idea, and to add some finality to it, I’d block her after you send your response. That way you won’t give her an opportunity to open up a dialogue with you (in case that’s what she’s looking for) Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own selfish reasons. Attention, mostly. You know you don't owe a response. Stop and reflect on whether this contact disrupts your peace and life as you have it now. Personally, I would not recommend opening a dialogue. The saccharine olive branch seems more like a Trojan horse. No contact means no contact. Block her email. from what I’ve seen (and I’ve seen a lot) people rarely change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 45 minutes ago, Stromae said: Thank you all for your input. I read all the posts and see where everyone is coming from. As I stated myself and as others have suggested.. a friendship really isn’t possible. I don’t wish to hold this over her head as it doesn’t do anyone any good least of all myself. In the end I know what happened and she knows what happened. I certainly think this is for her to relieve herself of guilt rather than anything specific towards me. Perhaps she doesn’t deserve that final decency from me but I also don’t want to carry the burden of any grudges. I would not treat someone in the way she did, certainly not someone who I “deeply cared for” as she put it. The funny thing is that after the breakup I was desperate to at least remain in contact and be friends.. by the time I heard back I wished she had never sent the email and allowed me to keep the past buried in the past. My personal friends saw the way things happened and don’t feel it’s worth a second thought and doesn’t deserve a reply. That any form of contact would re open old wounds and allow me to be hurt again by someone I’ve done my best to move on from. I do appreciate the advice of strangers though who can view things from at least a slightly less biased perspective. I’ll think it over but at the most may simply say that I forgive her and leave it at that. No mention of friendship as I think she would not message again should she receive the forgiveness she seeks. You’re forgiven. No need to contact me again then block her fully. Personally I think contact is a bad idea. No good deed goes unpunished. However, it’s your mistake to make. You should realize who and what she is by now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 No reply or... "Hey there. I'm doing great. Thanks for reaching out. All the best." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Annonymous1234 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) I think you do have to go with your gut instinct on these things - and be unapologetically selfish in this situation. It is about what you want, and how you want to feel. What would make you feel better? Leave her and her feelings out of the equation. She has clearly shown she is perfectly capable of looking out for herself. Do what is right for you, as you are at the heart of this. Edited January 4, 2021 by Selkie1111 extraneous 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 15 hours ago, Stromae said: She then sent an email a couple days ago saying she’s so sorry for hurting me, can only ask for my forgiveness, and hopes I’m happy. She says she thinks about me at times and wonders if I’m doing well or if I would ever talk to her were we to pass by each other (odd considering we live 3 hours away). That she cared about me a lot but couldn’t picture us being married or having a family together. She also hopes we can be friends someday. Now from my perspective I’m at a loss on what to do. She treated me unkindly during the relationship and after. I’ve acknowledged its over and feel this is her own attempt at closure for herself... but 2 years later? Not sure why she’d bring up her own vague reason for ending things when it’s well beyond the point of mattering anymore. I also don’t see how it’s realistic to be friends for either of us, I really don’t want to hear about her relationship status or other random issues. She viewed you to be a LVM as she did not want to be "Married and a family together" and dumped you.... So you are not good enough for her but she now wants to be friends??? Why? What does she want or need now 2 years on? She would have cleared her conscience of any gilt before she dumped you, that is why she has girl friends... She wants something from you. Google "Briffault's Law" and try to get your head around it to understand. She would not spend the time of thought and energy to contact you without this coming into play. 9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own selfish reasons. Attention, mostly. You know you don't owe a response. ^^^^^^ YES!!!!!^^^^^ She is wanting to use you!!!! (for her benefit, not yours). It will be a one way street and not headed in a direction that will favour you... Your turn to ditch her, ignore and block. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 It's ridiculous that she thought it would be appropriate to contact you after two years and dredge up these feelings again. If I were you I would probably send a very brief reply acknowledging her email, but not inviting a friendship or opening up a dialogue. You should not consider the possibility of being friends someday, that is kind of ridiculous. If she replies to your email again and tries to keep contacting you, then say that you are not interested in an ongoing dialogue or remaining friends, and leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Hpchic Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 13 hours ago, Mrin said: No reply or... "Hey there. I'm doing great. Thanks for reaching out. All the best." This is the best response, shows you’ve moved on and have no interest in a friendship with her without explicitly saying it. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 @Stromae 22 hours ago, Stromae said: I previously made a thread in the past regarding an approximate 5 year relationship which had ups and downs and was generally unhealthy. The girl I was with was manipulative, would break up and expect me to jump through hoops to get back together, and generally would project things on me. I wasn’t perfect but I was really the only one truly participating in the relationship before she eventually dumped me and immediately became serious with a co-worker. It took me awhile to recover, and although I acknowledge the situation wasn’t right it didn’t make things less painful. I blocked her from Facebook and eventually came to hear she got engaged to the guy she more or less left me for. I've been a few situations like this, where I've done both: 1. I've responded, it led to nowhere, except reopening old wounds. 2. I've also chosen not to respond and to just block and delete. I've found, the latter to be the better option because do you really want to go back in time, and risk reliving all the pain you went through, when you struggled so hard and so long to move passed it? It would really undermine all the progress you made. Although you'd recover, it would be at the expense of your time, energy and general life; all of which you could have applied to someone potentially better. But if you think you might feel bad for not responding to her, then go with what @Mrinsaid. - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 I'd ignore, personally speaking. I see absolutely nothing to be gained. I tried to put myself in your shoes reading that, and if anything it was just an annoying email. If you responded, what is it that you think you'd gain, or hope to gain? Because you should be thinking 100% about yourself, and not her. Worrying about hurting the feelings of a dumper 2 years later who didn't treat you well in the relationship tells me you are too empathetic towards others and need to focus more on your own needs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 On 1/3/2021 at 10:10 PM, Mrin said: No reply or... "Hey there. I'm doing great. Thanks for reaching out. All the best." I don't like this simply from the standpoint that it leaves the door open. Rather than "All the best," I'd prefer something along the lines of "Please don't contact me again. There is no chance of friendship between you and I." Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 This is not particularly helpful for your current situation. But, in future, block the person everywhere (including Instagram and email) so that this kind of situation doesn't arise in the first place. If you're still looking for feedback on this specific situation, my personal choice would be to ignore and block. I don't feel a particular need to show someone who's hurt me in that kind of way that I'm mature and have moved on. I'm okay with them thinking the worst of me or simply not knowing. Regarding forgiveness, they can have that conversation with their God if they believe in one. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 On 1/4/2021 at 1:10 AM, Mrin said: No reply or... "Hey there. I'm doing great. Thanks for reaching out. All the best." ^^^^^^^^ This. I know someone who did something similar as to what this woman did by contacting you (contacted a person they'd been engaged to in years past and had broken the engagement, hurting the ex pretty badly) after being in counseling and regretting they had hurt the ex. The ex didn't respond. IMO, it made the ex appear to me to still be hurt or in love. A casual response would have, it seems to me, made it look as though the person had moved on and it was no longer a big deal. I'd write something like the above and maybe include something like, "I doubt we'll ever see each other again since we live such a distance away but of course I'd be cordial to any friends I'd pass including you. I'm staying too busy to continue any type of communication. Just know I'm doing well and what happened between us is long in the past!" I'm working with one of my family member's ex's who expressed regret for their behavior with my family member when we connected for business. My family member had broken up with this person due to unacceptable behavior. I pretty much told the ex it was no big deal not to worry about it because my family member was absorbed in lots of things presently that were taking all of their attention so they didn't even think about it. So I let the person off the hook for their behavior while upholding the fact that my family member has moved on and isn't holding a grudge or grieving. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 33 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said: The ex didn't respond. IMO, it made the ex appear to me to still be hurt or in love. Haha, what? You've got to be kidding me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 1 minute ago, Highndry said: Haha, what? You've got to be kidding me. Not kidding you. If a person who is gracious and classy is contacted by someone they were once close to (platonic or romantic) and ignores the contact it makes them look hurt or as if they're holding a grudge, iow petty or still in love. A cool person responds as a matter of good manners but keeps it casual. I do believe that people who have no class or manners often don't respond for whatever reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 1 minute ago, LivingWaterPlease said: Not kidding you. If a person who is gracious and classy is contacted by someone they were once close to (platonic or romantic) and ignores the contact it makes them look hurt or as if they're holding a grudge, iow petty or still in love. A cool person responds as a matter of good manners but keeps it casual. I do believe that people who have no class or manners often don't respond for whatever reason. Bahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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