Contact by dumper after 2 years

[trident_2020]

2 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Not kidding you. If a person who is gracious and classy is contacted by someone they were once close to (platonic or romantic) and ignores the contact it makes them look hurt or as if they're holding a grudge, iow petty or still in love. A cool person responds as a matter of good manners but keeps it casual. I do believe that people who have no class or manners often don't respond for whatever reason. 

To you maybe. Not to too many other people.

If it was me, and I had been the one dumped and was contacted subsequently by the person 2 years later I'd simply ignore them because they're not worth my time nor my effort not would I think their lame attempt to reach out to fulfill their own selfish needs merits a response.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

8 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

To you maybe. Not to too many other people.

If it was me, and I had been the one dumped and was contacted subsequently by the person 2 years later I'd simply ignore them because they're not worth my time nor my effort not would I think their lame attempt to reach out to fulfill their own selfish needs merits a response.

 

Sure, I get that people are different. And that many other people choose to be classless and haven't been taught good manners. Pretty much anyone I'd ever be involved with would be someone who would never ignore another person. Even someone they hadn't been involved with. I never ignore anyone who addresses or contacts me for any reason just because of my respect for others. It's a matter of being gracious, IMO, but I realize not everyone lives that way.

If someone makes a rude comment to me, that's the only time I'd ignore, just because it's like the proverbial "casting your pearls before swine" so to speak type thing. Classless people are in a whole other category. But, they make their crudeness obvious without even realizing it most of the time and I never date them in the first place.

Edited January 8, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[trident_2020]

6 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I never ignore anyone who addresses or contacts me for any reason just because of my respect for others. It's a matter of being gracious, IMO, but I realize not everyone lives that way.

 

I wouldn't ignore someone I respect either. I'd have no respect for a person who treated me like the ex-girlfriend treated the Op, who is only looking for closure and forgiveness- continuing to watch out for #1 with no regard to the feelings of others.

But I guess if I was you I'd only date people who would never treat me poorly and break up with me so I'd never be in that position in the first place.

[LivingWaterPlease]

@trident_2020That's not at all what I was conveying.

It seems to me when a person is disrespectful during a relationship and comes back later to try and make amends a person who is humble (which is part of being classy) and has integrity and self respect will give the person the benefit of the doubt. In other words, people who have behaved poorly sometimes see the error of their ways and make an attempt to change which is a good thing, IMO, and best rewarded by acknowledgement.

That being said, an indication of personal growth is to humble oneself and seek forgiveness and/or admission of their faults from someone they have wronged. In that case I would give them the benefit of the doubt, not questioning their motive(s) but replying graciously and moving on.

If you were me, yes, you would not date those who show red flags of poor behavior at the onset.

That wouldn't totally protect you from being treated poorly but it would go a long ways to do so! However, when you did date someone who ended up treating you poorly, and they came back to try to make things right, were you me, you would give them the benefit of the doubt, respond graciously, and move on.

Think of times when you've heard someone comment that a person is "first class!" Doesn't happen often, does it? That's because the majority of people are not first class and when you see a first class person in action it's a beautiful thing and is obvious because it's a contrast to the way the majority of the people behave.

To use the excuse "most people wouldn't do that" is not a great reason for doing something, IMO. Doing what most wouldn't do is worth examining to see the reasons it's recommended and  if it might be preferable.

This forum is filled with plenty of people and OPs will get a variety of responses to their dilemmas. Water seeks its own level and each OP will choose the answer that is most congruent with the way they choose to live, or to the level they wish to rise or sink! Having choices is one of the advantages to a forum such as this!

 

Edited January 8, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[basil67]

On 1/4/2021 at 2:42 PM, Stromae said:

My personal friends saw the way things happened and don’t feel it’s worth a second thought and doesn’t deserve a reply. That any form of contact would re open old wounds and allow me to be hurt again by someone I’ve done my best to move on from. I do appreciate the advice of strangers though who can view things from at least a slightly less biased perspective.

We strangers on the internet may be less biased, but your friends were witness to it all and have more information than we do.   And for what it's worth, I agree with them.

[trident_2020]

6 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

To use the excuse "most people wouldn't do that" is not a great reason for doing something,

If that part of your post was directed to me.. to clarify- you made the statement that a non response would be indicative that the person who chose not to respond was still harboring anger or hurt and was still not over their feelings for the dumper.

My response to that was "most people wouldn't see it that way".

Your mileage may vary. Apparently it does.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

10 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

If that part of your post was directed to me.. to clarify- you made the statement that a non response would be indicative that the person who chose not to respond was still harboring anger or hurt and was still not over their feelings for the dumper.

My response to that was "most people wouldn't see it that way".

Your mileage may vary. Apparently it does.

 

Yes, people are varied and different from each other! Getting plenty of responses helps OP choose what suits their preference as to how to handle a particular situation! Or to sort out their feelings, maybe not even choosing a recommendation from the thread but still benefiting from the process of discussion!

When I wrote the part about "most people seeing things that way" not being a valid reason to choose how to proceed, I questioned myself in my mind whether I should even put it in because I didn't really recall that you had posted that or even if anyone in this thread had! It's just something you hear thrown out from time-to-time in a discussion, often presented as a reason to proceed that way, since "most would." So I threw it in, realizing it could be inappropriate in my dialogue with you.

Thanks for taking the time to reference it, though, and for engaging further in a discussion with me, questioning my thoughts! I truly enjoy discussions with those who think differently than I and believe it's one way to grow into a more informed and interesting mindset!

Edited January 8, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Emilie Jolie]

On 1/4/2021 at 3:42 AM, Stromae said:

I’ll think it over but at the most may simply say that I forgive her and leave it at that. 

This still leaves her the option to get back to you at some other point. I think it's ok to forgive her without actually telling her, and leave her in the past. It's fine to practice self-care sometimes too.

 

[Wiseman2]

There's only two reasons an ex contacts you after a long time apart.

Neither of them are good.

1. Someone you both know died.

2. Just got dumped and backtracking through the contact list.

    2.a. This can be diguised as "catching up", "wondering about you - found one of your socks the other day",  some sort of trivia or question,etc.

   2.b. Don't kid yourself. You're being recruited to babysit until they get ready to date someone else.

Edited January 9, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Annonymous1234]

12 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Not kidding you. If a person who is gracious and classy is contacted by someone they were once close to (platonic or romantic) and ignores the contact it makes them look hurt or as if they're holding a grudge, iow petty or still in love. A cool person responds as a matter of good manners but keeps it casual. I do believe that people who have no class or manners often don't respond for whatever reason. 

Or perhaps they are so over the whole thing - that they really do not care how they look to the other person. 🙂

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 hours ago, Selkie1111 said:

Or perhaps they are so over the whole thing - that they really do not care how they look to the other person. 🙂

How the person looks to the other is not the reason to reply, it's just one of the results. A person takes action because of who they are, not because of how they'll look. The reason to reply is to be respectful of the efforts of another person because of who they are (a respectful person). It's not about being a poser or trying to impress others. "To thine own self be true."

Behaving with grace is its own reward irrespective of it's effect on how others may view one.

And caring about the feelings of others, doing what is best for them, despite how they may view it, is living with integrity. Thus was born the term "tough love."

Edited January 9, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[trident_2020]

2 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

How the person looks to the other is not the reason to reply, it's just one of the results. 

If a person who is gracious and classy is contacted by someone they were once close to (platonic or romantic) and ignores the contact it makes them look hurt or as if they're holding a grudge, iow petty or still in love.

Not really seeing a difference. You seem to be making a point that if a person knows the result will be B, then they might do A to avoid B.

Edited January 9, 2021 by trident_2020

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

Not really seeing a difference. You seem to be making a point that if a person knows the result will be B, then they might do A to avoid B.

I realize you don't see it! Some won't! No problem! Doubt I could explain it more clearly. But, again, no problem and have a great day! 🙂

[Stromae]

Thought I’d give an update, provide additional context (though not needed) and give my own thoughts to some additional points brought up. Will break into 2 posts for readability sake.

More context: In short we dated for approximately 5 years, and she’d break up with me and then expect me to jump through hoops as I stated to get back together. One time she literally wanted to get back with me because as she stated she had “turned me into the perfect boyfriend for the next girl” the thought of which bothered her enough to want to get back together. Essentially these breakups were something I later realized to be her way to “control” me. I finally moved 3 hours away (its own long story) and she broke things off. Approximately 2 months later we started talking again, and she had me come visit for my birthday weekend where we hooked up and were back together. This wasn’t just a physical thing, she herself referred to me again as her boyfriend.... except she apparently maintained as I later came to find out at her workplace that we were no longer together and she was single. I knew people from her workplace but she didn’t want me to ever mention anything to them about us being back together because she said she wanted to keep her personal life private. 

Well in the midst of this one of her coworkers started liking her and I imagine she started getting to know him and then broke up with me and moved on to him. Very shortly after our “final” breakup she had pictures all over facebook with him meeting each other’s families, going to out of state vacation etc. This is within a month of our breakup so I imagine she was seeing him without telling me, and seeing me without telling him we were still together but not my business anymore.

That’s why it was unexpected to hear from her 2 years later on apologizing for everything.

TLDR: On and off again relationship during which she kept our final “on again” hidden from her coworkers, before ghosting me and wanting space while she monkey branched onto her coworker

In regard to replying or not - I’ve come to realize that what little control one has in these situations is by replying or not. You can choose what it is you reply with, but once you do reply you cannot go back on that for better or worse. Not replying gives you the option to maintain silence or eventually reply should you wish. 

[Stromae]

I understand the point about not replying shows lack of grace or class. Part of my own confusion about replying is that her aside I wondered the kind of person I would be by not replying and if it said more about me than her. As a dumpee you also wonder if it shows anger or hurt. However in my own case I considered the scenarios, which are in the end similar for most dumpees I’d imagine.

1. It’s a way to test the waters and open the possibility for a relationship. I doubt this is the case here but it’s always possible it’s what the other person wants. However she is still with this other guy as far as I know, and even if not why would anyone wish to settle for being plan B? 

2. She wants me in her life as a friend. That’s fine if it’s what both parties want but after a long up and down relationship in my case this isn’t realistic. Especially if she is still with someone else, it seems even more weird to me. It’s ok to be friends with an ex but in my own case we were together longer than her and this other guy currently have been. Being friends especially with any underlying feelings seems disingenuous and will ultimately hurt me.

3. She is curious to see if I have moved on or still love her. When she broke up with me, I blocked on facebook and unfortunately didn’t block on instagram as I didn’t even know she had an account there. I initially did no contact as a way to get her back as crazy as it sounds, but now it helped me see my life went on without her. Again, no point in being a plan B and I have no need to update her on my relationship status or life for that matter.

4. She is feeling guilty and/or has matured. She may be feeling guilty... but I’m not sure what would take 2 years to reconcile that guilt and finally reach out. She didn’t feel bad when the initial events happened. If she has matured enough to realize her faults I applaud that growth, but it’s also immature to reach out after 2 years and the type of relationship we had and ask if I wish to be friends. 

Ultimately I understand people may find it rude or beneath someone to ignore a response. However I myself was ignored for 2 years without a word, and it’s not realistic to expect me to jump at the chance to reply after that period of time. I hold no grudges and have forgiven, but I haven’t forgotten. I now see no good would come of replying because of the scenarios I listed above. For those who are friends with exes that is great, but ideally those relationships had a greater deal of mutual respect and perhaps ended amicably. That is from my own growth during no contact, though obviously I still have room to grow just by virtue of making this thread and wondering what should be done. It’s confusing but the posters here and my own friends have helped provide clarity.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Great to get your update, Stromae! It seems from your most recent post you've reached a solid decision for reasons you've thought through and weighed thoroughly! Seems to me this should bring you peace! Here's wishing you the best as you continue to move forward! 🙂

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Stromae said:

 I now see no good would come of replying because of the scenarios I listed above. 

Agree. Her reasons are for her, not you.

At this point you can simply delete and block her.

Who needs static like this from the past? 

Enjoy your peace and your life as it is now. Good call to ignore it.

[Mrin]

On 1/8/2021 at 2:26 PM, LivingWaterPlease said:

Not kidding you. If a person who is gracious and classy is contacted by someone they were once close to (platonic or romantic) and ignores the contact it makes them look hurt or as if they're holding a grudge, iow petty or still in love. A cool person responds as a matter of good manners but keeps it casual. I do believe that people who have no class or manners often don't respond for whatever reason.

I agree

Edited January 10, 2021 by Mrin