My wife and her Girlfriend. Lost, Hurt, and Stuck)

[JScottH]

Okay going to try and make this long story little bit shorter. Me and wife have known each other for 12 years, have been married for eight, and have two kids that are five and seven.

As it would go, someone is usually blindsided when their spouse wants divorce or separated. In this story, that's me, I'm the blindsided one.

It started when the wife had a day off of work. So I decided to take the morning and clean up the house some and make breakfast. When she woke up and came downstairs. I greeted her with a "good morning, love". Her response was "I can't do this anymore, I want a divorce." I felt like I got throat punched by the Hulk or something. I honestly didn't understand what I had done to cause her to be unhappy. Then she mentioned that she thinks she might be a lesbian. I stood in silence for a few minutes before she asked what I was thinking. What, did she assume I was going to agree with her or something. Anyways that was the first day of the now 8 week of my confusion and total rebuilding of self. 

Like I said, I want to try to keep it short, but a few things that she addressed a few days after the start of this were:

 I need to get more sleep, and I need to take better care of myself.(brushing teeth and showering more). I need to spend less time in my garage and be inside more. I would stay up till 2 or 3 AM then wake up at 630 to start getting school stuff together before the kids got up. Showering was every 2-3 days teeth was about the same. And nearly every night after the kids went to sleep, I would go to the garage for me time. 

NOW: I lay down around 11every night right after I take a shower and brush my teeth. I know not a huge accomplishment In some people eyes but I have been consistent. I also spend maybe 2hrs at most PER WEEK in my garage opposed to 4-5 hourd

 Here's the interesting part. Since this started, I have noticed that she has taken a liking to a woman. I mean, I could maybe understand if she found another man, but a woman? That and she is staying with this "girlfriend", I'll call her, 2,3,4 times a week. Leaving me home with the kids. 

She is completely shut off from me. She wanted me to sleep somewhere else but I told her that I would be sleeping in my own bed. I have initiated sex 2 times within the first couple weeks but since then I can't even get close to her without her questioning me. 

I miss my wife and want to fix our marriage. I went through the depression phase. With prayer and help from an Elder of the church, I have pulled myself back together and I am more confident in myself. 

Here's where I would like some input. I feel like I need to be flirting and trying to rekindle a dying fire, but this is where the respect for my wife and her decisions, and a hint of insecurity comes in. I'm not sure if I should just go for it and see what happens or if I should just let her go. (Don't forget I have 2 kids involved when responding)

 

Edited January 4, 2021 by JScottH
Title missing characters

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. If she's in love with someone else and staying with her, you'll need to talk to an attorney.

It would also be a good idea to see a physician about the depression and the self neglect and withdrawal.

Ongoing support from a therapist will help you in general and with the demise of your marriage in particular.

Get the best advice and help you can find. Enlist the support of friends and family. Stay involved in your work, caring for kids, etc.

 

 

[JScottH]

I have already got an attorney for the dissolution, who informed me that about 70% of dissolutions turn into divorce before it's all said and done. I have also had a full evaluation from a psychiatrist who's been doing family help for 20 years. He did admit that he doesn't know he has ever heard of a situation as bizarre as mine. Other than that, mentally I'm doing better than most people in similar situations for just being a couple of months into this process. I'm logging everything in a journal and it's always with me so it can't "magically" come up missing. I've got a pretty good attitude about the whole thing. However it ends I'll be ok. I now know who and what I had taken for granted. The feelings are real and they suck more than anything I've ever felt before.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, JScottH said:

I have already got an attorney for the dissolution, who informed me that about 70% of dissolutions turn into divorce 

Did you file for legal separation or divorce?

What about division of assets?

What did your attorney advise regarding child support, custody and visitation?

Will you stay in the marital home and buy her out?

Are you hoping she comes back?

Your physician can evaluate your overall health. Also see a dentist.

Do you and your estranged wife both work?

[basil67]

@JScottH with all due respect to your psychiatrist, I don't see your marriage breakdown as being bizarre at all.   It's not unusual for someone who neglects both themselves and the marriage to find themselves being left behind.  And it's not unusual for the partner to leave for someone else, or for them to switch teams when they do leave for someone else.   I know more than one woman who's switched teams when she left a marriage.   

Regarding her staying with the other woman: you're refusing to leave the bed.  What else is she supposed to do?   There is no rational reason that she should sleep on the couch when you're the one who let the side down.   If you want any chance at all, stop digging your heels in and start eating humble pie.  Instead of telling her how it's going to be, do what she needs to you to do.  

And stay in contact with your lawyer.  

 

[JRabbit]

If she truly is a lesbian I am sorry but nothing you can do will change that or save the marriage.  Marriage should never be saved for the kids either.

[JScottH]

Did you file for legal separation or divorce?

- Disillusion, Has not been filled yet. 

What about division of assets?

-her and I are two different places with how things are getting . We have been in building equity for 10+ years

What did your attorney advise regarding child support, custody and visitation?

- we are in agreement that child support will be alleviated to $0

Will you stay in the marital home and buy her out?

-thought about it but I don't think I would be able to live happy in a house in which my marriage fell apart.

Are you hoping she comes back?

- I'm on doing everything that I can think of. Maybe I'm doing to much? I really have picked up all the stuff that she stopped doing. All On top of the morning routine with our boys. (Breakfast, get dressed, pack lunch, find mask, shoes, coats and get out to the bus stop so I can send them on their way. Then about 75% of the time I pick them up from the after school program. Get home make dinner at least 60% of the time. Wash dishes. I wash laundry when needed, oh did I mention I work full time? 

Your physician can evaluate your overall health. Also see a dentist.

- Yep Im getting more work done in a few weeks.

Do you and your estranged wife both work?

- yes

Edited March 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed formatting

[Wiseman2]

Well it seems like you are doing ok adjusting to being a single dad. It's hard but you're doing a good job.

[JScottH]

@basil67

I refuse to leave the bed on her terms of me not getting enough sleep. If I'm in my bed she knows I'm not downstairs or in the garage screwing around. 

And I'm not telling her how it's going to be, she probably wouldn't listen anyways. 

I am not going for the "do what she needs me to do."

She needs me NOT to live at home so she isn't constantly seeing everything that I do for our family. 

What she really needs me to do is help her see that she Maybe able to do everything by herself, but it's a lot freaking harder without me.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

Years ago my husband left me and we ended up divorcing. I tried to do everything I could to keep him. A friend of mine went through the same thing at the same time but her husband came back to her. I asked her what she did and she told me that she changed her hairstyle, bought different type clothes than she had worn and whenever her husband came to pick up the kids for visitation (he'd moved out) she made herself scarce so that she wasn't available to him.

Most of the time I stayed around the house and probably looked worn out and sad. There was one time that I was going to a friend's birthday party and I was dressing up when he came to get the kids. So I didn't greet him and try to be near him as I'd always done. I was in a hurry and he walked by the room where I was fixing my hair and I could tell his interest was piqued. I should have kept that up and quit trying to engage him.

Not saying that will change her mind but I would recommend you really spiff up physically. Keep brushing the teeth more than once a day. Shower and put on some cologne, too! Get a few new clothes and shoes that are unlike clothing you usually wear. Maybe start working out. Do it for yourself but it's likely she'll notice and wonder what's up. Make yourself be cheerful when she visits your sons and maybe don't be so available. Worth a try!

Edited January 5, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[basil67]

5 hours ago, JScottH said:

@basil67

I refuse to leave the bed on her terms of me not getting enough sleep. If I'm in my bed she knows I'm not downstairs or in the garage screwing around. 

And I'm not telling her how it's going to be, she probably wouldn't listen anyways. 

I am not going for the "do what she needs me to do."

She needs me NOT to live at home so she isn't constantly seeing everything that I do for our family. 

What she really needs me to do is help her see that she Maybe able to do everything by herself, but it's a lot freaking harder without me.

 

OK then.  I wish you a relatively painless divorce.

 

[elaine567]

Whether you spent your entire time being Super Dad or spent it playing video games and hardly acknowledging you even had kids is immaterial.
THE BIG issue is that  she says she is a lesbian and now apparently has a girlfriend.
Your showering and brushing teeth regimen or spending a few hours in your garage did not magically cause her to find other women attractive.
There is nothing here to "fix".
Your job now is to divorce amicably and be a good co-parent to your kids.

[JRabbit]

12 hours ago, JScottH said:

What she really needs me to do is help her see that she Maybe able to do everything by herself, but it's a lot freaking harder without me.

Relationships should survive on love, not on what the other person does for the other.

[usa1ah]

Make sure you have documentation of everything you are doing with the kids. She could try for full custody when this starts up. Get a custody plan in place in line with what is going on now. 

Edited January 7, 2021 by usa1ah

[BaileyB]

On 1/4/2021 at 10:33 PM, JScottH said:

 

I refuse to leave the bed on her terms of me not getting enough sleep. If I'm in my bed she knows I'm not downstairs or in the garage screwing around. 

Respectfully, I don’t think she cares if you are downstairs or out in the garage screwing around.

She said she is done, she has decided she is a lesbian and she has found another relationship... She has made her decision and she does not want to be married to you anymore. You are welcome to try and rekindle a dying fire, but it doesn’t sound like it will be very successful. I would suggest that a better plan would be to talk to your lawyer to begin the process of divorce and work toward establishing a healthy way to coparent together. 

It’s very sad that this has happened to your family. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is anything you can do to avoid divorce. I would agree that there is nothing particularly unusual or bizarre about your story, which is why the standard and best advice is to protect yourself and your children as best you can...

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

On 1/5/2021 at 4:37 AM, elaine567 said:

THE BIG issue is that  she says she is a lesbian and now apparently has a girlfriend.
Your showering and brushing teeth regimen or spending a few hours in your garage did not magically cause her to find other women attractive.

Exactly. Also the reason why showing her with affection in an attempt to rekindle the flame is not going to work... for obvious reasons. 

[dangerous]

I agree, she has someone else, regardless of which sex.

I also agree with the OP, no reason for him to move out (or out of the bed): she should leave, as she is having the affair/ has moved on.

And yes, irreparable. 

Finally, OP, keep up the new hygiene routines, it is good for you and your future.

[usa1ah]

On 1/5/2021 at 5:37 AM, elaine567 said:

Whether you spent your entire time being Super Dad or spent it playing video games and hardly acknowledging you even had kids is immaterial.
THE BIG issue is that  she says she is a lesbian and now apparently has a girlfriend.
Your showering and brushing teeth regimen or spending a few hours in your garage did not magically cause her to find other women attractive.
There is nothing here to "fix".
Your job now is to divorce amicably and be a good co-parent to your kids.

I think the hygiene issues were from the depression right after finding out. He is just explaining that he is taking better care of himself now. Unless I read that wrong. 

[stillafool]

I agree with Elaine that there is nothing you can do to get her back because she admits she's a lesbian.  Maybe if you were a woman you would have a chance but you can't compete with a woman.  You don't have the equipment.

[elaine567]

40 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

I think the hygiene issues were from the depression right after finding out. He is just explaining that he is taking better care of himself now. Unless I read that wrong. 

I think you read that wrong. 

On 1/4/2021 at 2:17 AM, JScottH said:

a few things that she addressed a few days after the start of this were:

 I need to get more sleep, and I need to take better care of myself.(brushing teeth and showering more). I need to spend less time in my garage and be inside more.

 

 

[Harry Korsnes]

On 1/4/2021 at 6:45 AM, basil67 said:

@JScottH with all due respect to your psychiatrist, I don't see your marriage breakdown as being bizarre at all.   It's not unusual for someone who neglects both themselves and the marriage to find themselves being left behind.  And it's not unusual for the partner to leave for someone else, or for them to switch teams when they do leave for someone else.   I know more than one woman who's switched teams when she left a marriage.   

Regarding her staying with the other woman: you're refusing to leave the bed.  What else is she supposed to do?   There is no rational reason that she should sleep on the couch when you're the one who let the side down.   If you want any chance at all, stop digging your heels in and start eating humble pie.  Instead of telling her how it's going to be, do what she needs to you to do.  

And stay in contact with your lawyer.  

 

nope she's the who steped out. Op stay in your bed and do the 180.

[Harry Korsnes]

Hi there!!

Have you sorted it out?

[emprosnet7]

What does hygiene and teeth brushing have anything to do with sexual orientation? That is just a bunch of silly excuses. If she is a lesbian, you can not compete with that. Personally if I was in my house with the kids, specially young ones, I wouldn't care if she stayed with her lesbian friend. 

[emprosnet7]

On 1/5/2021 at 6:40 AM, LivingWaterPlease said:

Years ago my husband left me and we ended up divorcing. I tried to do everything I could to keep him. A friend of mine went through the same thing at the same time but her husband came back to her. I asked her what she did and she told me that she changed her hairstyle, bought different type clothes than she had worn and whenever her husband came to pick up the kids for visitation (he'd moved out) she made herself scarce so that she wasn't available to him.

Most of the time I stayed around the house and probably looked worn out and sad. There was one time that I was going to a friend's birthday party and I was dressing up when he came to get the kids. So I didn't greet him and try to be near him as I'd always done. I was in a hurry and he walked by the room where I was fixing my hair and I could tell his interest was piqued. I should have kept that up and quit trying to engage him.

Not saying that will change her mind but I would recommend you really spiff up physically. Keep brushing the teeth more than once a day. Shower and put on some cologne, too! Get a few new clothes and shoes that are unlike clothing you usually wear. Maybe start working out. Do it for yourself but it's likely she'll notice and wonder what's up. Make yourself be cheerful when she visits your sons and maybe don't be so available. Worth a try!

I am trying to understand what I am reading.. do you think that the problem in a marriage is a new set of clothes and a different haircut? It is the way we treat each other, not the surface that matters. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

16 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

I am trying to understand what I am reading.. do you think that the problem in a marriage is a new set of clothes and a different haircut? It is the way we treat each other, not the surface that matters. 

Hi, emprosnet! It would be great for you to start a thread on how to deal with problems in marriage to get into this discussion it seems from your quote you're interested in.  This advice was to the OP and, just so you know I'm not ignoring you, according to forum rules we're not supposed to go back and forth amongst ourselves about issues with the OP! I've done it by mistake but am trying to be more aware and don't want to t/j on this one!