ThumbingMyWay Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 A little twist….or should I say a little more honesty and realization on both parts.....I have lots of threads on my situ....if you care to read...do your own searching...sorry I'm a little crabby today... I have been off paxil for about 3 weeks now…..and dam…what a clear head I have now….I don’t think that **** even worked….it made me worse….anyway…I am off and see things differently….. The last few days….I have had this feeling….I cant explain it…just a feeling of what am I doing and what is truth on how I feel about this whole situ. As much as it hurt to say it….and to admit it…..the fact is…I have lost love for my wife….and she has lost love for me. We have been togther since age 17 and we are now 35. That is a long time, especially since we were both so young. The fact is….we both feel we missed out on things. We both have desires and fantisies and goals, etc…We both have an urge to break free and see what life would be like alone…but we are both scared…casue we love each other….but we still have the urge to fly away….. The problem is…we have 2 kids….and a divorce would CRUSH my daughter….it would truly mess her up. We also don’t make much money…and for one of us to move out….there is NO WAY we could afford a rent payment and house payment. We also admit that we are scared because we are so dependent on eachother…we are all we know. We love each other, YES. But its not that in love feeling……but what is that feeling anyway? I hate to even say this....but its like we are GOOOOD friends that love eachother and make love and cuddle....but dont have that DEEP giddy love....does that even make sence...I dont know...really confused... We just don’t know what to do…..we want it to work out…but we are both afraid that the feelings wont come back. SO….we agreed to stay the course…and see where it takes us….but at the same time….I;m not sure…I just don’t know….part of me wants to run away from it all I am more confused now that I ever was before…..how do I know when to say when? When will I know that everything is going to be OK….or when its time to say goodbye? Dazed, jmargel, Owl, sylvia, LadyJ…or anyone in my shoes…..how long did it take you to know that everything is going to work?????….. if you guys are still out there….I could use some help…… Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I have no pearls of wisdom to offer but I hope you guys figure things out for the best, whatever that may be. If you do go your separate ways, I don't think anyone can say you didn't do your best. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 That's a very heart felt post Thumbs, pure honesty like always. I agree with what Tanbark said, no matter what happens in the future each of you know you gave it your best. Maybe to separate for abit might be the best thing at some point. Doesn't mean divorce, but so you both can miss eachother and see what will be missed by being apart...To learn to be inlove all over again... With that being said, that doesn't mean finding someone else, just means learning to be on your own. The kids obviously are a huge factor in this. Can I ask you something? Sorry... But if there were no kids involved would you stay or leave at this point? The other thing is I truely believe that love is still there, just buried under the pain and it will take more time for it to come out and shine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted October 14, 2005 Author Share Posted October 14, 2005 But if there were no kids involved would you stay or leave at this point? my wife and I haved talked about this very thing. IMO, I htink she would have been gone 3 years ago if we didnt have kids.....of course she doesnt think so....but thats what I think. Now for me....wow....if we didnt have kids...and she wanted to stay and make things work....dam...I dont know....but you did say at this point....well soory to say at this point in time, whre I am at right now in my head....I would leave:( I see Dazed is online....I always liked his opinion....maybe he will stop in... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Then maybe a trial separation is what has to happen. As painful as that would be for you, your wife and most of the kids - It could actually help more than you think? I don't know what is best for you, only you know that...Just when it is the time to say enough, we did our best and what happened can't be fixed... It's sad either way and unfortunately for your wife, she shoulders much more of that responsibility as she was the one who cheated. Sorry if I upset you by saying that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted October 14, 2005 Author Share Posted October 14, 2005 Then maybe a trial separation is what has to happen. As painful as that would be for you, your wife and most of the kids - It could actually help more than you think? I don't know what is best for you, only you know that...Just when it is the time to say enough, we did our best and what happened can't be fixed... It's sad either way and unfortunately for your wife, she shoulders much more of that responsibility as she was the one who cheated. Sorry if I upset you by saying that... you never upset me..... the problem is I am confused AGAIN....and dont know what is best for ME. I know what is best for my kids.....but its me that I dont know.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Then maybe a weekend away by yourself somewhere would help. Mini holiday from your wife and the kids. She can plan something fun, go apple picking with them with friends/kids etc. Just a suggestion that could help you sort some things out. Good, glad I didn't upset ya. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I'm not the best person to ask about this. Frankly, I don't think I'd have managed to stay in it for as long as you have. My situation, while personally devastating to me, wasn't nearly as dire as yours. I think my temperament would have dictated my actions, at least back then it would have. It's a wonderment to me now that, while I would have walked upon finding out that my husband's affairs were physical ones back then, I would probably forgive him if I found out differently NOW. We've already put the work in, and we've learned better ways to deal with one another. I told someone, not to long ago, that if I found out that he had lied to me back then, I would have 18 months of lies to be angry about. But I would ALSO have 18 months of reconciliation as well; 18 months of the best relationship I've ever experienced. I don't think I could easily walk away from that. You mentioned lots of material reasons why divorce would be difficult: The problem is…we have 2 kids….and a divorce would CRUSH my daughter….it would truly mess her up. We also don’t make much money…and for one of us to move out….there is NO WAY we could afford a rent payment and house payment. And I recognize all those things. If things had gone the other way, I would have had much the same difficulties. That said, .....it wouldn't have stopped me. Not even for a minute. If I wanted out, there's no doubt about it....I'd have gotten out. My husband knows it too, like he knows his own name. There's no question of it. It might sound boastful to say it:o ....but I can take care of 'me and mine'. I've done without before, and I have zero fear of poverty. I know a little bit about alot of things. Fact is, I'd have made a fairly good pioneer woman. You give me a little bit of ground, and I can grow my own food, cook it and can it. I can build my own little lean-to if that's what's called for. And I'm a better shot than most men. The bottom line is....I don't need him, and he knows it. I want him. That knowlege appears to make quite a difference in his attitude. And maybe that's the key....hell, I don't know. But what I do know is this. When I finally accepted that my husband was also where he WANTED to be....it made all the difference for me too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted October 14, 2005 Author Share Posted October 14, 2005 The bottom line is....I don't need him, and he knows it. I want him. That knowlege appears to make quite a difference in his attitude. And maybe that's the key....hell, I don't know. But what I do know is this. When I finally accepted that my husband was also where he WANTED to be....it made all the difference for me too. LJ...thats the thing...maybe I am too early in recovery....but I want her to WANT to be here....not stay out of need.......a man needs to feel WANTED and DISIRED and ADORED... hhmmm that is the key isnt it.....were my wife and I both ACCEPT that we WANT to be here...together....without doubt.....thats what I need to feel...but we aint there yet.... Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 As much as it hurt to say it….and to admit it…..the fact is…I have lost love for my wife….and she has lost love for me. We have been togther since age 17 and we are now 35. That is a long time, especially since we were both so young. Nope, that shouldnt matter about the age and time together. Look at some of the older generations of poeple who married at 15, 16, 17 years old and grew old together. My mother told me recently that you want a partner who is your best friend. Someone you can trust and depend on to be there. I am 36 and I am starting to see her point and understand what she is saying. The fact is….we both feel we missed out on things. We both have desires and fantisies and goals, etc…We both have an urge to break free and see what life would be like alone…but we are both scared…casue we love each other….but we still have the urge to fly away….. Everyone has felt this way at one time or another. You admit here you love each other whereas above you said you lost that love for one another. Your love is not lost or dead its still there. Both of you are very close. I think you just lost your independance, your individual identitys because of the everyday demand on unity of being a parent and spouse.. The problem is…we have 2 kids….and a divorce would CRUSH my daughter….it would truly mess her up. We also don’t make much money…and for one of us to move out….there is NO WAY we could afford a rent payment and house payment. No money--all the more to use this financial time to try to find yourselves while still having one anothers support and not having to be alone and feel the loneliness of being alone. We also admit that we are scared because we are so dependent on eachother…we are all we know. Marriage is a dependency on one other. You make a vow to be one with the other. We love each other, YES. But its not that in love feeling……but what is that feeling anyway? I hate to even say this....but its like we are GOOOOD friends that love eachother and make love and cuddle....but dont have that DEEP giddy love....does that even make sence...I dont know...really confused... Giddy love can be rekindled, there are several lectures out there that teach about this. But you need to first find yourselfs and who you each are in order to rekindle that spark. Love is not always that fresh giddy love, that is the romantic stage, there are stages to lasting love. The media portrays love as always being that giddy rush. It is rarely ever exposed after that stage. Our society is all about feeling good and having it our way and fast. I was in the "Cinderella and Prince Charming Complex" situation before. I dont know your whole story but from the info you posted here. You have a marriage with Love.. We just don’t know what to do…..we want it to work out…but we are both afraid that the feelings wont come back. Find a retreat weekend for married couples. There are weekends where married couples can go to find one another and get the support they need to rebuild and strengthen their marriages. It's a good focus to find one another again when you get lost in the everyday shuffle of being parents, employees, employers, and spouses. SO….we agreed to stay the course…and see where it takes us….but at the same time….I;m not sure…I just don’t know….part of me wants to run away from it all When trouble stirs we "ight or Flight", Normal feeling. I am more confused now that I ever was before…..how do I know when to say when? When will I know that everything is going to be OK….or when its time to say goodbye? Confusion is just that. Not knowing. When you don't understand something we feel confused. You need to learn about what it is you don't know. But you need to seek it in a healthy supportive enviroment for your marriage. Not from worldly views. The general world is too quick to say leave, divorce, move out, forget him/her. You need a possitive support. I truly think a marriage retreat weekend would be a good one for the both of you.. Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Thumbs, I know where you are coming from. I'm glad you're off the Paxil. Seriously, try something like St. John's Wort for mild depression. "I have lost love for my wife….and she has lost love for me." 2 Children just like you. We are finding our way back, but it's taking time. That deep giddy love probably won't be back in the same form. MW got to experience that again with her OM, but it's all hormones. We all come down eventually, some harder than others. So, we rebuild a more mature love with our SO. You and your wife are not teenagers anymore. Our job is to make a conscious effort to stay connected with each other. Mentally, emotionally, physically. Trust is huge. We want to come together, fully 'seeing' each other and mutually take pleasure in giving and receiving. A union of passion, commitment, kindness, humor and knowing. Recommit to each other, talk openly and honestly. 'See' each other. It is very healing to come into full relationship with your SO. And, we don't know if it will work out. All we have is now, so be present to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 LJ...thats the thing...maybe I am too early in recovery....but I want her to WANT to be here....not stay out of need.......a man needs to feel WANTED and DISIRED and ADORED... hhmmm that is the key isnt it.....were my wife and I both ACCEPT that we WANT to be here...together....without doubt.....thats what I need to feel...but we aint there yet.... I don't know, Sweetie. All I know for sure is that it's working gangbuster's for me and my hubbie. That said, .....it wouldn't have stopped me. Not even for a minute. If I wanted out, there's no doubt about it....I'd have gotten out. My husband knows it too, like he knows his own name. There's no question of it. I think I need to qualify that statement a little bit. He knows that NOW. I don't think he knew it before though. I think, right up until I saw a lawyer and made it clear to him that I wanted a divorce, that he might have thought I was only staying in the marriage because it was expedient. Like so many men, he felt that he was just "a paycheck" to me. NOW, he knows differently. If things are really bad....maybe there's something to be had from a 'trial separation', as WWIU suggested. Personally, I don't care for the concept. But when all else has failed...... Well, it's something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Question????.... Are you BOTH feeling this way? Or is it possible that this is still an insecurity issue on your part? Link to post Share on other sites
jubilee Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 Marriage will wax and wane over the years. You have to have the lows so you will appreciate the HIGHS. Marriage is also like a job, you have to work at it. You said it yourself; you still love each other. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted October 15, 2005 Author Share Posted October 15, 2005 Question????.... Are you BOTH feeling this way? Or is it possible that this is still an insecurity issue on your part? ya know...you may be right....I do tend to think to the extreme...one side or the other.....clearly attributed to past insecurities and current anger/depression issues.... TIME....is my biggest freind and worst enemy.... going to go take the family out in the boat today....gotta love these 60 degree days in Oct....snow will flying soon.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 PLEASE...Don't even mention the "S" word...It doesn't exist yet in my realm of thinking... Have fun boating and enjoy the weekend. Don't stress about anything just go and have FUN! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted October 15, 2005 Author Share Posted October 15, 2005 I;m not going to....not yet at least..... thanks larry:laugh: me out for some FUN.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 I;m not going to....not yet at least..... thanks larry:laugh: me out for some FUN.... Anytime Bro. You can spill it next Friday... Link to post Share on other sites
MustB1 Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 does the S word mean they are not having sex? Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower1008 Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 Thumbing..hello...I can hear in your posts how upset you are about your situation.. My friend is in a situation very similiar to yours. He has finally gotten off his anti-depressant and is seeing things in a new way. BUT, he was involved with an OW, which made him see his home life even more depressing. He has two children to think about too. Question: are you involved with someone or this is strictly between your wife and you? Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 :) Hi Thumbs, For the record, i think everything Padameckla said is totally on the money. I will only add a couple of thoughts. OK, so you and wife think you wouldn't be together if you didn't have kids? But the fact is that you DO have kids and everything you do has to take them into account. I know you do this anyway ... I read something interesting that helped me. It was about the boredom of long-term relationships and how during a relationship there will be times when you feel close, times when you are furious and hate the other person, times when you think it's a waste of time etc. No relationship is ever perfect all the time. You might have had these feelings anyway, without the affair muddying the waters. Maybe it's just a case of sticking with it and appreciating the good bits for a while. Loving feelings don't just pop up magically, usually they are a result of something. If you want to do other things - find a way of doing them. I read in the paper about a woman who went off on a round-the-world sailing trip and her husband gave her his blessing. That is the ultimate in allowing someone else to be their own person. There is no reason why you can't pursue some of the things you would like to, within reason. Thumbs, i think you are probably just going through a 'let's analyse my life' phase and it just so happens that you are both at rock bottom at the moment. Infidelity takes its toll and there is probably a stage where you are both exhausted and fed up with the whole thing. I would say hang in a bit longer. Get yourselves a hobby so you can come home enthused with something to talk about. Big hugs to you - glad to see you back here. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 does the S word mean they are not having sex? S=that awful white stuff that floats down during winter time... It's TOO early to say that word around me as I really hate winter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted October 16, 2005 Author Share Posted October 16, 2005 Question: are you involved with someone or this is strictly between your wife and you? my wife had the affair, with her supervisor in total about 15 months..EA that turned to PA she lied about a ONS to divert from the truth of what she was doing. We entered MC and things SEEMED to get better.....but 8 months into MC, she came clean with the truth that there was no ONS and that she has been in an A with her boss.....YES it contiued during the whole time we were in MC Link to post Share on other sites
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