Happy single?

[Lorenza]

My relatives and sometimes even my own mom don't really believe me that I am happy being single. The longer I am single, the less I feel incomplete or lacking something in the romantic sense. I don't mind being the only one who isn't coupled up when hanging out with other couples. The only thing I had a hard time with was deciding that I don't want childer, which was mainly also because others were telling me that I should, cause "I will be alone on Christmas when my friends will have their children over" or "Everyone will have their own family lives and I will be alone, watching from aside". 

But deep inside, I know that I don't want to have children. I would suffocate them with my constant worry, as I can't even have a cat without worrying about him every single day (his health isn't great). I just feel that I can't be 100% responsible for someone's wellbeing. I'd much rather be a foster parent for example, helping some children out when they are in a temporary need, keeping a friendly contact etc. I want to learn languages, read, work, study, improve myself my whole life. My relatives think it's so selfish and leads to nowhere. But life already doesn't lead to much and those who have children don't always feel fullfilled, so why bother? 

I would maybe like a partner, but someone as unproblematic as possible. I don't even know what kind of partnership would suit me - I used to believe that I want to get married, but it doesn't feel important to me anymore. Living with someone is hell, so no domestic partnership. Screwing around isn't for me either, as I do not feel sexual attraction without spiritual connection and being attracted to the person's mind foremost. So singlehood is the most plausible right now. 

Most of all, I would love to build more lasting friendships. I think that's the most meaningful connection there is. When others have their children and grandchildren over for Christmas, I'd have my friends. But it isn't easy at 31 years old. 

Is anyone in the same boat? Or have thoughts about this? 

[stillafool]

I don't have children and feel fulfilled so I guess it depends on the individual.  I know plenty of people who are not partnered or have kids and seem very fulfilled and happy.  Just do what feels best for you and ignore what others think you should do with YOUR life.

[Happy Lemming]

I'm 55... never married, no children.  I did live with someone (briefly), when I was a little younger than you, but have not done that since.

I think I wanted children when I was in my early to mid-twenties because that is what my parents told me "that is what people do - get married and have children". 

For me, the decision to have children - just didn't feel right.  I didn't feel settled.  I didn't like staying in one location. I didn't feel like being responsible for a "wife and kids".  I wanted to do... what I wanted to do.

After a broken engagement, I decided I didn't ever want to get married.  I made it out of that mess unscathed, barely.  I vowed to never make that mistake again. 

As far as Christmas and other holidays... its just another day (to me).  I don't need little versions of me running around to enhance some "Norman Rockwell" version of Christmas.  Yes for that one second the picture is taken all looks happy and blissful, but the rest of the year seems like constant work and worry (to me).  No Thank You.

I did have one friend that had children (4 of them).  He is divorced, miserable and very very broke.  His ex-wife hates him and his kids won't talk to him or visit, but he is still responsible for sending that check every month.  I know he didn't have a "Merry Christmas". The last time I called him on Christmas (a few years back) and wished him a "Merry Christmas", he responded "What is so merry, I'm sitting in crappy studio apartment with a can of spam and a bag of potato chips."

Edited January 4, 2021 by Happy Lemming

[Miss Spider]

I am 100% happier single and more fulfilled being being this way. Everyone is different. I think the majority of people do/feel better in relationships though. Do whatever works for best you. 

Edited January 4, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[FMW]

We're all different with what makes us happy and content.  Don't compare yourself to anyone else or let others make you doubt what you know to be true about yourself.  

I'm 55 and never had children.  It's not that I never wanted them, when I was younger I always assumed I would have.  But I married someone who definitely didn't want them and I was ok with that.  I'm still ok with that, no regrets.  I had about 2 minutes of doubt when I hit menopause and knew it was no longer possible - but that was more about the finality of loss of choice than actually wanting children.  

I divorced after many years of marriage and I have no desire to ever marry again, or even live with someone.  Being single is far better than being married to the wrong person.  I am involved with someone, but seeing him is an addition to my already happy life full of friends, family, interests/hobbies and work.  I was having fun and enjoying life before I started seeing him.  If we stop seeing each other, my life will still be happy and full.    

[Ruby Slippers]

I think more and more people are feeling free to be single if that works better for them than being coupled. I'm getting more comfortable with it. I'm thinking about taking my first real solo vacation this year for my birthday. I have friends who might want to go, and I could be dating someone new by then - but I'm considering doing it solo.

Not to be too morbid, but last night I was thinking about... what happens if you're old and live alone and you die? If you don't have someone who's checking in on you every day, you could be there a while before anybody knew. Then I did some research and found out you can sign up for a service that will do a check-in phone call every day, and, if you don't answer, contact the appropriate parties (police, a friend, whatever) to check in on you physically, and then handle the logistics. I was also thinking about... if my parents are gone and I have my retirement nest egg and house and land, who am I going to leave it to? I'm not close to my extended family, so I don't think I'd leave anything to them. The alternative is good friends or charity. 

Finding out how all this could work makes me feel better and freer. Hopefully I'll meet a great guy and it will all work out. But I have a solid backup plan, which takes off all the pressure.

[Miss Spider]

I had the concern too. If I don’t have kids, will I get lonely and sad dying alone? I think that’s a horrible motivation for having kids, though lol . But probably a reason for many people. I suppose I will still have friends and such at that time too.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I had the concern too. If I don’t have a husband and  kids, will I get lonely and sad dying alone? I think that’s a horrible motivation for having a husband and kids, but probably a big one lol. I suppose I will still have friends and such at that time too.

I totally agree with you that a lot of people are with someone in a pretty compromised situation just because they'd rather deal with the significant compromises than be alone. That doesn't work for me. I'd happier being independent and free of too much BS. 

I'm not worried about how I'd feel dying alone. I feel like when it's time for me to go, I'd probably just lie down in bed that night and fade out. I worry more about the living having to deal with me, and my assets getting passed on correctly. I'm planning to retire and live comfortably off a large nest egg, and don't want the state/government getting my assets that I've worked so hard for 😛

[Miss Spider]

Perhaps you could will it to a charity or other family in that case 

Edited January 4, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

Also, Ruby, there is a large chance that your husband would proceed you in death, anyway. 
Women live longer than men on average and especially considering I think you said you like to date older men.
 

And yeah, having knowledge about those things can be relieving.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

43 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Perhaps you could will it to a charity or other family in that case 

I'm closer to my best friends than my extended family and they've been much more there for me than most of my family ever has, so would probably leave most of it to a friend or two, and some to charity. 

I'm probably going to live for many more decades and a lot can change in that time. I was just thinking about what ifs, what I'd do in the most solo scenario. Knowing that it's possible to plan for such a scenario takes off the pressure.

[Lorenza]

I am going to buy an apartment this year, because I no longer want to stuff money into someone else's pocket, deal with their conditions on having pets in the apartment etc. However my mom thinks it's unnecessary since I'm not planning on having children and there won't be anyone to pass it on. I told I can sell the apartment when I'm retired and then move to Vietnam or Thailand

[Lorenza]

I faced a lot of judgement from men on OLD for stating in my profile, that I don't want to have children and not looking for marriage. There is a picture of me and my cat, so there were quite a few of those "crazy cat lady" comments. How original. One guy wrote to me after completely missing out on reading my profile text. He was looking for something serious, to build a family on good values etc. When I told him that I'm the wrong person for it, he blew up on me, telling me I'm one of those pathetic, selfish, frivolous modern women, who only care to serve themselves, have no values to base a proper meaningful live on, that I will die alone in an apartment smelling like cat piss and my cat will eat my face until my neighbours will call the police after not being able to stand the smell. 

It's kind of funny to me, how confidently these men talk about my death, as if they have seen my exact future or something and to even want to say such things to a stranger, very morbid indeed 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

If I don’t have kids, will I get lonely and sad dying alone?

Plenty of people with children get lonely and sad and still die alone. 

5 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

It's kind of funny to me, how confidently these men talk about my death, as if they have seen my exact future or something and to even want to say such things to a stranger, very morbid indeed 

Kind of weird! I mean, why? you're hardly likely to change your mind in response to such a tirade 🙊

[ThereSheGoes]

I'm in the same boat as you, so this post relates to me. Don't want to have kids, don't want to be a wife, don't want to live together, but ultimately do wish to have a domestic partnership of some kind. I don't feel pressured by my friends and family. My friends are pretty Liberal, and my grandmother was actually elated when I told her I was skipping out on the family. My mom wishes that I had a child, preferably a girl, just for that Grandmom/Daughter/Grandaughter bonding of it all, but she understands that my choice is firmly in place, and has never pushed her desire off on me. So, I've been fortunate to have people around me who are understanding.

Am I happy being single, though? I can recognize the privilege that being single gives me. But I know I can not live the rest of my life this way. I love myself and I love my quiet times, and I am moderately content with myself at the moment. But the cherry on top of everything, FOR ME, is being partnered.

[Ruby Slippers]

28 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

I am going to buy an apartment this year, because I no longer want to stuff money into someone else's pocket, deal with their conditions on having pets in the apartment etc. However my mom thinks it's unnecessary since I'm not planning on having children and there won't be anyone to pass it on. I told I can sell the apartment when I'm retired and then move to Vietnam or Thailand

Amen, sister. I bought my first house 2 years ago. I'm paying pretty much the same amount I was to rent, but now I'm building equity in the home instead of throwing all my money in the wind. I can do whatever the hell I want in my house and don't have to deal with A-hole property managers.

How sad about those petty, angry men. I think it's true that in general, men "need" a female companion more than women "need" a man, mostly due to sex. I guess some of them, if they want to attract a woman, are gonna have to step it up and offer a better deal than they have so far.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[FMW]

Even at my age, my mom is not happy with me not wanting to marry again (the last 10 years of my marriage my husband traveled for work and was never home, so I've been on my own a long time - not sure what the thought process is there).  She's actively discouraging me from buying another house (she thinks a single woman can't take care of a house by herself, even though for the last 10 years of my marriage I did it on my own), and she manages to work into most of our conversations that she doesn't have grandchildren (I have no siblings).

Someone is always going to disagree with your choices in life.  Some will even have the nerve to openly criticize (like the pathetic man who went off on you).  But you're the one that has to live your life - so stay true to yourself.  And light some sage and clear off the bad energy from your computer from the crazy guy's rant 😛

  

[Lorenza]

20 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Plenty of people with children get lonely and sad and still die alone. 

Kind of weird! I mean, why? you're hardly likely to change your mind in response to such a tirade 🙊

They probably think that they have so much to offer and a woman like me (31 years old, single) should jump to this opportunity, be thankful and hope that they will choose me to impregnate, which I should be desperate about at this age 

[Lorenza]

20 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Amen, sister. I bought my first house 2 years ago. I'm paying pretty much the same amount I was to rent, but now I'm building equity in the home instead of throwing all my money in the wind. I can do whatever the hell I want in my house and don't have to deal with A-hole property managers.

How sad about those petty, angry men. I think it's true that in general, men "need" a female companion more than women "need" a man, mostly due to sex. I guess some of them, if they want to attract a woman, are gonna have to step it up and offer a better deal than they have so far.

Yes, I think that as the time goes by it gets more and more difficult for a lot men to have casual sex, and a stable companion is the only way to get it on the regular basis. So they're keen on wifing someone. Of course, there are also men who genuinelly want to fall in love and start a happy family with someone, so not saying that it's black or white. But I doubt it's the ones who blow up after getting rejected as I cannot imagine them having honest intentions in mind to begin with. I'd be scared to get such a deal, even if they stepped up haha 

[Lorenza]

By the way, sometimes I rewatch Sex and the City, and I wish that at least one of the girls had her happy ending without a man haha 

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Even at my age, my mom is not happy with me not wanting to marry again (the last 10 years of my marriage my husband traveled for work and was never home, so I've been on my own a long time - not sure what the thought process is there).  She's actively discouraging me from buying another house (she thinks a single woman can't take care of a house by herself, even though for the last 10 years of my marriage I did it on my own), and she manages to work into most of our conversations that she doesn't have grandchildren (I have no siblings).  

Wow, reading this makes me feel thankful that my parents never judge or comment on these things, no guilt trips. I don't get the logic about renting forever just because you live alone. I pay about the same amount to own as I did to rent, and by the time I retire, I'll no longer have a house payment, while a renter will pay rent forever, likely increasing over time. Instead I'll have a valuable asset I could sell if I really had to. I have a home warranty for about $600/year that covers every major system, pay a $70 service charge to have a professional come out and fix anything that needs fixing. 

[Lorenza]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Even at my age, my mom is not happy with me not wanting to marry again (the last 10 years of my marriage my husband traveled for work and was never home, so I've been on my own a long time - not sure what the thought process is there).  She's actively discouraging me from buying another house (she thinks a single woman can't take care of a house by herself, even though for the last 10 years of my marriage I did it on my own), and she manages to work into most of our conversations that she doesn't have grandchildren (I have no siblings).

I considered buying a house as well, but my mom doesn't think a woman alone can manage a house either. "There are a lot of manly jobs around the house" etc. Sure, I am no handy woman and only have a basic set of tools, but...there is always someone you can hire to do those handy jobs for you! I only decided to choose an apartment because the only new built house I could afford is a cottege, and it's pretty much the same as an apartment, lol. 

Thankfully my mom has given up on grandchildren. Dad hasn't even mentioned grandchildren in my entire life. Sometimes mom sneaks some remarks into a conversation, like "well, [a relative my age] has a husband, so of course she can be more relaxed about her finances, he has her back" or "eh, my cousins children [my age and below] are all settled up. Too bad things aren't like that on our side of the family". I find those sooo annoying and we usually end up having a mini yelling match 

[Lotsgoingon]

Lots of single people, especially older, are far, far happier than people imagine.

You can be happy you're not living in an era, say, 60 years ago. Then you would have faked interest in kids, married someone you didn't really want to and then been quietly miserable. 

 

 

[lana-banana]

I think it's perfectly possible to be happy single. Some people simply don't desire long-term romantic companionship! I know people who are permanently single, as well as those who do best with partnerships that last 6 months to a year or so, and those who are celibate by choice. Everyone is wired differently and the same things don't make everyone happy.

That being said, there's no reason to close yourself to the possibility of finding a partner, or to assume any potential partners would all want the same things. I found the love of my life and we both agreed we wanted to travel and explore fine food and drink rather than raise kids. Maybe your future has a man and a house, maybe it's a man and a dog, maybe it's a group of close friends or a class of students. The sky's the limit! Stick to what brings you joy and not what you think other people want---life is too short to bother trying to please anyone but yourself.

[Lorenza]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Lots of single people, especially older, are far, far happier than people imagine.

You can be happy you're not living in an era, say, 60 years ago. Then you would have faked interest in kids, married someone you didn't really want to and then been quietly miserable. 

 

 

Yes, I always have that thought in the back of my mind! Especially remembering my late grandma's unhappy marriage to her first husband, my biological grandfather I have never met as he died quite young. They were miserable together, but divorce was so uncommon and frowned upon back then in the times of Soviet Union. My poor grandparents - only grandpa's death gave them both freedom from each other...