Happy single?

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

 She's actively discouraging me from buying another house (she thinks a single woman can't take care of a house by herself... 

I know one woman house flipper that is HIGHLY successful.  Other than hanging drywall, she does everything that I do. She handles all of the repairs/upgrades herself.

For the record, she is a much better tile setter than I am.  Her tile work is beautiful!!

[Ruby Slippers]

10 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

Sometimes mom sneaks some remarks into a conversation, like "well, [a relative my age] has a husband, so of course she can be more relaxed about her finances, he has her back" 

A lot of women who are financially comfortable because of their man's finances are definitely paying a price for it. Nothing is "free," as they say. My mom has never had to work, but that means for the most part she has to defer to my dad, even when he makes life harder for her with poor decisions. 

[FMW]

I miss having a yard for cookouts and a basement for storage.  I currently pay for a climate controlled storage unit for the things that won't fit in my small apartment.  

I've bought and sold two houses in the past 30 years, I have no concerns about it, I know what home ownership entails.  I sold my last one after my divorce and I didn't know what part of the City I wanted to live in permanently.   I moved to a popular entertainment district, so renting costs just as much as buying.  Actually I can get more square footage for the same amount I'm paying to rent.  I've decided I want to stay in the neighborhood and I keep an eye on the listings, I've seen a few that were interesting within my price range, and I'm confident there will be more.  I just have to wait until I feel the push to make the move.  I expect that will be within the next year.   

Edited January 4, 2021 by FMW

[lana-banana]

As a homeowner, I don't really understand the emphasis on homeownership. Sure, it has its perks, but it doesn't make you a better or more accomplished person, and it's often a bad bet---for instance, if you're investing most of the money you would have spent on a mortgage, you're probably coming out ahead of everyone except urban homeowners. And if you live in a low-demand area, your house price is anything but stable and may decline before you plan to sell. The NYT did a great Rent or Buy calculator that can help you determine if it makes sense for you to buy or keep renting. A house isn't necessarily better; renting isn't necessarily the wrong choice. The right choice is what works for YOU. It's your life and your happiness may not conform to what your parents and other people think it should be. This is why it's so important to have self-knowledge and be honest with yourself, as hard as that is; otherwise you may give in to pressure or someone else's expectations, or you waste precious years of your life chasing things that don't really make you happy.

[FMW]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

I don't really understand the emphasis on homeownership

I don't think there's an emphasis, simply discussion on why you might want to buy a house as a single person.  Of course it doesn't make you a better person.  But it should be an accepted choice, whether you're single or coupled.  You shouldn't have to defend your choice either way.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I don't think there's an emphasis, simply discussion on why you might want to buy a house as a single person.  Of course it doesn't make you a better person.  But it should be an accepted choice, whether you're single or coupled.  You shouldn't have to defend your choice either way.

I doesn't make you a better person, but in most cases, if you've done your research, adequately prepared, and made a smart purchase, it does improve your long-term financial outlook to own a home versus rent. For me personally, my current house (if I were to stay here forever, in my starter home, which is nicer and bigger than any rental close to the same price) would most likely be paid off within 10 years or less. So that would be decades beyond that I'd have significantly reduced housing costs compared to a renter of a comparable property. And I'd have an asset of significant value that I could sell if I ever needed to. It's a no-brainer. I'm guessing it would be even more of a no-brainer to buy a condo - even more affordable, and almost directly comparable to an apartment. I find it bizarre that mothers are advising daughters to be renters forever. I don't think they'd have the same advice for their sons, even if they intended to be bachelors forever.

I listen to the Dave Ramsey show often, and single/divorced women call in all the time. His formula is the same regardless of gender. Rent as long as you need to, but if you can afford it, you're prepared, and you've done your research, buy your own home as part of a long-term wealth-building plan. 

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

I feel just as you do but maybe for my own reasons.

I used to want to meet someone.  Get married.  But the trajectory of my life growing up pushed me down a road where I had a lot of things I had to figure out before I could.  Finances.  Life situation.  It bleed into my self-esteem and confidence and that ofcourse impacted the relationships I chose to have.   Things didn't work out so well, eventually I slowly realized that I didn't like who I was in these relationships and was embarrassed by some of the things I did while in them.  I didn't like the stage of life I was in.  Made me feel insecure.  I was always worried and anxious and found it difficult to trust people on a romantic level.  The wrong people tend to draw these things out even more so as well..and in all honesty, it felt like a nightmare.  I missed out a lot of great things in my life because I was caught up in all that but once I realized all this, the desire slowly vanished.  

It's been about 3 years since I've actually stopped dating but since then, my mental health and my life has improved.  I can focus on my goals freely no matter how "bizarre" they might be and I don't have anybody to answer to.  I have time to read, study, travel and do the things I want to do including taking care of the people I love, and I don't have anyone to answer to.  I just feel free to be who I am.  Some friends and family get it.  Some don't but respect it.  And some don't and actually go out of their way to judge and change me. 

Don't waste time worrying about anyone else thinks.  Nobody knows what the hell they're doing.  Life isn't a one-size-fits-all thing.  Everyone's grown up differently and have experienced different things.  Different forms of adversity.  Different tragedies.  This impacts their wants, needs, and desires.  And everyone's personality is not not the same either so the way they interpret and perceive their experiences, their world and themselves are different.   

Ultimately, they're not living your life.  You are.  Even "Successful" people earning 6 figures with multiple homes, cars and all the material things you could hope for have problems and struggle in areas of their life that you might excel in.  That goes for celebrities and people with families of their own as well.  What works for one person, may not work for the other.  What one person sees as a weakness in you, another might see as a strength.  

So just embrace yourself, do what you feel is best for you and do it well.  That's when you'll be the best version of yourself.

- Beach

Edited January 5, 2021 by Beachead

[Lorenza]

20 hours ago, Beachead said:

Hey OP,

I feel just as you do but maybe for my own reasons.

I used to want to meet someone.  Get married.  But the trajectory of my life growing up pushed me down a road where I had a lot of things I had to figure out before I could.  Finances.  Life situation.  It bleed into my self-esteem and confidence and that ofcourse impacted the relationships I chose to have.   Things didn't work out so well, eventually I slowly realized that I didn't like who I was in these relationships and was embarrassed by some of the things I did while in them.  I didn't like the stage of life I was in.  Made me feel insecure.  I was always worried and anxious and found it difficult to trust people on a romantic level.  The wrong people tend to draw these things out even more so as well..and in all honesty, it felt like a nightmare.  I missed out a lot of great things in my life because I was caught up in all that but once I realized all this, the desire slowly vanished.  

It's been about 3 years since I've actually stopped dating but since then, my mental health and my life has improved.  I can focus on my goals freely no matter how "bizarre" they might be and I don't have anybody to answer to.  I have time to read, study, travel and do the things I want to do including taking care of the people I love, and I don't have anyone to answer to.  I just feel free to be who I am.  Some friends and family get it.  Some don't but respect it.  And some don't and actually go out of their way to judge and change me. 

Don't waste time worrying about anyone else thinks.  Nobody knows what the hell they're doing.  Life isn't a one-size-fits-all thing.  Everyone's grown up differently and have experienced different things.  Different forms of adversity.  Different tragedies.  This impacts their wants, needs, and desires.  And everyone's personality is not not the same either so the way they interpret and perceive their experiences, their world and themselves are different.   

Ultimately, they're not living your life.  You are.  Even "Successful" people earning 6 figures with multiple homes, cars and all the material things you could hope for have problems and struggle in areas of their life that you might excel in.  That goes for celebrities and people with families of their own as well.  What works for one person, may not work for the other.  What one person sees as a weakness in you, another might see as a strength.  

So just embrace yourself, do what you feel is best for you and do it well.  That's when you'll be the best version of yourself.

- Beach

I can really relate to your reasons! I was also a mess in all of my relationships and always felt like "work in progress" which greatly affected my choice in men and how I acted in those relationships. One of my exes even said that I have a long way ahead of me to become a worthy partner and it stressed me out a great deal, because I couldn't focus on anything having that pressure on me while also trying to maintain a relatioship.

 During my single years I finally got a degree, made some important choices to improve my life, moved countries, started a career, saved up a lot of money in a short time and heaven knows I would have found a lot of new friends and a music related activity (maybe a band) if not for this pandemic. So yeah, staying single was/isca blessing. If I found someone now, it would be a different story entirely. 

[Beachead]

@Lorenza

6 hours ago, Lorenza said:

I can really relate to your reasons! I was also a mess in all of my relationships and always felt like "work in progress" which greatly affected my choice in men and how I acted in those relationships. One of my exes even said that I have a long way ahead of me to become a worthy partner and it stressed me out a great deal, because I couldn't focus on anything having that pressure on me while also trying to maintain a relatioship.

Exactly.  If we haven't gotten to know ourselves, how can we really make the ideal choices for us?  How can we choose the right people to be in our life? How do we know when we are being wronged and when it is time to draw the line and stand up for ourself?   How do we know what kind of jobs or career paths are right for us? 

We don't.  So we choose the wrong things and those things cause us more problems and more pain, because they don't sync with what we need and where we are going.  We feel lost and unsure and not confident in ourself as a result.  It's a downward spiral.

5 hours ago, Lorenza said:

 During my single years I finally got a degree, made some important choices to improve my life, moved countries, started a career, saved up a lot of money in a short time and heaven knows I would have found a lot of new friends and a music related activity (maybe a band) if not for this pandemic. So yeah, staying single was/isca blessing. If I found someone now, it would be a different story entirely. 

Then it was the right choice for you, which is what's important here.  We're not all destined to find a partner, get married, and have kids by a certain period of time, if at all.  There are many people out there that believe it to be but in my books, a successful, purposeful, meaningful life comes in many forms and each form brings something special to the world.  When you stay true to you, that's when you shine the most.

- Beach

[snowboy91]

OP I'm really getting the sense you've got a good handle on what you feel is good for you. It's admirable that you know so much about yourself and are willing to stand up to even those closest to you who think they know better because its "the way things are" or "the way I did it".

I'm only a couple of years younger than you so we're probably seeing the same thing happen in our social circles - the majority are putting rings on fingers or having children while in our recent past it was a minority. I'm a big believer that as humans we need to feel socially connected to others - but in a lot of societies and cultures that's just taken to mean our families, and anyone who doesn't start a family is assumed to be unhappy (because everyone wants a family, right?). But "connection" isn't exclusive to a traditional family - being part of a village or tribe can make one feel just as connected - which also isn't anything new either if you really think about it. Having your group of friends (or multiple groups) could be just as much a way of having that social connection without requiring the same level of commitment as a romantic relationship. Of course that won't fulfil the need for romantic connection, but if that is also valid, then there's nothing to say everything in between can't also be fulfilling. We're all individual and need to decide for ourselves what is best.

[vjk]

 

I can't say I'm happy being single, especially as the family shrinks.  It can be very isolationing. You know it's bad when you look forward to Halloween just to have visitors or when your christmas gifts are labeled "To: me, From: me". I picture spending my senior days sitting in a rocker by the window waiting for kids to yell at when they walk on my lawn. Or, buying just about anything  when a telemarketer calls just to have a conversation. 

[MeadowFlower]

I have to say I think ultimately I am not happy with the idea of being single for the rest of my life, I also don't think I need to be happy with that. Of course, I shouldn't let it rob me of getting enjoyment out of life, but I don't need to deny my feelings or try and make myself be okay with it.

I think it's a natural desire to 'find someone'. Of course, not everyone may feel that way and if you are happy being single, then that's okay. Better you are happy than to desire something you will probably never have.