Struggling with Unwanted Divorce

[KTNSR]

My wife of nearly 19 years at the time filed for divorce in May.  I was shocked and devastated.  We have three sons in the relationship.  I have been really struggling with trying to move forward over the past 8 months.  I have tried to restore the relationship but she has consistently refused.  What are some ways I can try to move on?  I'm also having a tough time with thinking about her a lot.  I'd rather never think about her at this point but she's popping in my head morning, noon, and night.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[central]

Join some dating sites.  Start chatting with women online.  Your ex is done with you, and not coming back.  It's difficult to meet dating prospects in person due to the pandemic (but not impossible if you are both careful and plan it), but you can use this time to start thinking of a future with someone else, and creating some contacts for later.  Most likely your are too isolated and need to have attractive distractions.  And if you will need to improve yourself, such as getting in better shape, do it now!  Focus on YOUR future as a better, happier YOU.

Edited January 4, 2021 by central

[Keridan]

37 minutes ago, KTNSR said:

My wife of nearly 19 years at the time filed for divorce in May.  I was shocked and devastated.  We have three sons in the relationship.  I have been really struggling with trying to move forward over the past 8 months.  I have tried to restore the relationship but she has consistently refused.  What are some ways I can try to move on?  I'm also having a tough time with thinking about her a lot.  I'd rather never think about her at this point but she's popping in my head morning, noon, and night.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

First, I want say that I'm so sorry for the situation. It hurts when you lose someone you love. It also really hurts when kids are involved. I hate you are going through this.

Second, I will say that's it okay to think about her. 19 years is a long time. You can't just get that out of your mind. You were with her so long and had so much of an impact on each other's lives. Don't fight yourself over having some thoughts. Just try to focus on the things that were good as much as you can.

 

Last and hopefully helpful, some advice going forward. Try to entertain your mind. Some distraction. Hang out with your kids. Play online. Do puzzles. Just give yourself a little break. Even focusing on work can help sometimes.

 

I wish you the best

[KTNSR]

Thank you for sharing your feedback.  It is going to take time with intentional actions to move towards healing and wholeness.  People I keep talking to tell me it's likely going to take two years to recover from this unwanted divorce.  I want the recovery to be deep and thorough so I an not counting the seconds, although I hope it doesn't take two years :}

[FudgeSwirl]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Firstly, healing from divorce comes in stages.  You will notice that you get over certain aspects about your divorce quicker than others and it's okay.  When you put a timestamp on healing sometimes on your lowest days it might make you feel worse or that you're somehow below the bar of moving on when in reality you are exactly where you are supposed to do and doing better than you think.

Secondly, it's normal to think of her because a chunk of your life was spent with her and you both share children.  

To help you feel better and rediscover yourself, engage in things that you greatly enjoy or even try things you always wanted.  Spend time with friends and your kids when you can.  When you are ready, put yourself back out there.   There is no timestamp on this either so when you are ready to join a dating site you will just now.

If you ever feel really down about your divorce to the point where you aren't sure what to do next and nothing anybody in your life says seems to help or make you feel better, don't be afraid to turn to therapy if need be.  Sometimes it helps talking to a professional and impartial individual and there are many therapists that specialize in divorce. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, KTNSR said:

My wife of nearly 19 years at the time filed for divorce in May.  I was shocked and devastated.  We have three sons in the relationship.  I have been really struggling with trying to move forward over the past 8 months.  I have tried to restore the relationship but she has consistently refused.  What are some ways I can try to move on?  I'm also having a tough time with thinking about her a lot.  I'd rather never think about her at this point but she's popping in my head morning, noon, and night.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Wow . Sorry to hear that. The best thing you can do is get the professionals in your corner.

A good attorney for the logistics and a good therapist to unpack and sort out some of this stuff.

Start a self improvement plan. Health, fitness, etc.

Reconnect to friend family colleagues, neighbors, etc by reaching out, mention but don't drone on about the divorce.

Get back in action socializing. Groups, clubs, sports, volunteering, classes,etc.

 

[ZiggyZaggy]

I still think about my Ex a lot. We were married 17 years. Living with someone for a long time and then separating/divorcing doesn't mean suddenly you forget about that person. They were a significant part of your life for a very long time!  

Basically I wake up every morning thinking "What the *#*#" and then get out of bed and begin my day.  I have discovered that I can keep myself very busy with activities, things that need to be done, etc etc., distractions, work... And when I have a buildup of relationship-blues, I either write about it (like journaling, just write out my feelings, and that helps me feel like I have successfully vented and it feels good) or talk to someone (it's hard to talk to anyone about really tough personal issues, but if you have any close friends or family who are willing to listen, it can feel good to talk, not even asking for advice, it's more like venting, brain-dumping, let that pent-up stuff escape so you can move on again).

Maybe you can allow yourself, as the thoughts enter your mind, to think about the good times as good memories, try not to dwell on the negative stuff too long because that brings a person down emotionally, and find a new focus within yourself. What motivates YOU in life? Music? Games? Social activities? Work? Reading? Writing? Exercise? Cooking? Whatever it is, this is a time for you to rediscover "what makes You "YOU" and enjoy it.

Good luck to you!

[notbroken]

I'm sorry you are going through that. 

First off, forgive yourself.  Spend some time (not long - maybe a month) figuring out your part in the breakup.  Forgive yourself for it.  You are human and made mistakes.  Don't put your wife on a pedestal.   She was and is not perfect.   See her for what she is/was (which certainly wasn't perfect).   Do not badmouth her to your friends/kids.   Take the high road.  Go no contact with her as much as absolutely possible (read that again).  Don't talk to her unless absolutely necessary - and even then make sure it actually is - and usually it isn't.   Dealing with her will only prolong your recovery.    

Be careful.  Your mind is not focused right now.  So much so that it is actually a very dangerous time for you.  You'll 'wake up' while driving and realize you don't remember the last 5 minutes.  Don't make any more major life decisions than you have to.  

Go slow.  Don't jump into a new relationship right away.  

Be kind to yourself.  Do something nice for yourself every day.  If you aren't nice to you then who will be?  

Eat well.  Don't overindulge in alcohol/drugs.   Just won't help. 

Focus on something healthy.  Exercise.  Ride bikes, walk, etc.   Make sure you keep up with your job/work (again, your mind isn't focused).   

Get back into an old hobby or start a new one.  

Be a good father no matter what.  Part of that includes being a good example.  

Take the high road.  Don't give your ex more than she deserves, but don't 'rip her off' either.   Be fair. 

Your recovery won't be a straight line.  Some days will be better than others.  Accept that. 

Don't 'unload' to everyone and show a bad attitude (fake it till you make it).  Pick one or two friends and / or a counselor to help.   Don't be afraid to seek help.  

The worse failure in divorce is murder/suicide.   The second worse is murder OR suicide.   The third worse is staying together when you shouldn't - that is still a failed divorce.   Don't be a statistic.  You CAN and WILL get over this and will likely thrive in time - but you have to make it happen.  

 

[FMW]

Distractions, as listed by other posters, are good and important to helping you not feel overwhelmed. 

But you do have to work through things along the way, so that's going to require thinking of her, sometimes you have to allow the thoughts to process and not fight them.  It's not a happy process and it will take more time than you want it to take, but it's necessary in order to move on.  You are 8 months into this, so your friends may be right about the two year estimation - but you're well on your way to being half way through that 2 years.  It will get easier as you go, it's a gradual process and happens in stages, as @FudgeSwirl noted.  

So don't stress yourself out by fighting the thoughts, but don't let them take over your life.  As you process them they will come less and less.      

[Blind-Sided]

Sorry you are here... but I'm glad you have found yourself here at this forum.  

As others have said... try to take care of yourself.  I know I found myself not eating, and taking care of some of the basics.  Also... accept that she is done... for whatever the reason. Once you come to grips with that, your head will start to move in the right direction. 

Above, someone said go no-contact.  With kids... you can't really do that.  It's not good for the kids.  With that said... you don't have to socialize AT ALL with her... but any questions, or information that needs to be talked about, in respect to the kids... HAS TO BE talked about!   This will only benefit you later.   My oldest kid seemed like she was on the fence with our divorce, but eventually, I was a beacon to her as her mother slowly slipped away.  I'm currently sick, and she was forced to be with her mother, but I apologized to her that she wasn't able to be home with me... and she said... "I understand, just get better. I love you"  Then she sent me a virtual hug.

With that said... being the best dad you can be.... can be the focus of your recovery.  I don't mean giving into everything... but talking with your kids, and making sure they are good.   In my case, my exW was basically trying to buy my kids love, and was allowing them to do what they wanted.   I still stayed the same dad.  And, I talked to  them about why.

I didn't see anything about you or her moving out... but once you or her move out... the healing will begin. 

I wish you peace in moving forward.  

[KTNSR]

I didn't mention the fact that I have been sleeping far more than usual down in the dumps.  I have slept more the past couple months than at any time in my life.  Is that abnormal?  Also, I've been crying more than ever before.  Is this part of the healing process unfolding.

 

[trident_2020]

It's not abnormal given the situation which is likely causing you to be depressed.

You can fight it though.

 

[emprosnet7]

On 1/7/2021 at 2:15 PM, Blind-Sided said:

Sorry you are here... but I'm glad you have found yourself here at this forum.  

As others have said... try to take care of yourself.  I know I found myself not eating, and taking care of some of the basics.  Also... accept that she is done... for whatever the reason. Once you come to grips with that, your head will start to move in the right direction. 

Above, someone said go no-contact.  With kids... you can't really do that.  It's not good for the kids.  With that said... you don't have to socialize AT ALL with her... but any questions, or information that needs to be talked about, in respect to the kids... HAS TO BE talked about!   This will only benefit you later.   My oldest kid seemed like she was on the fence with our divorce, but eventually, I was a beacon to her as her mother slowly slipped away.  I'm currently sick, and she was forced to be with her mother, but I apologized to her that she wasn't able to be home with me... and she said... "I understand, just get better. I love you"  Then she sent me a virtual hug.

With that said... being the best dad you can be.... can be the focus of your recovery.  I don't mean giving into everything... but talking with your kids, and making sure they are good.   In my case, my exW was basically trying to buy my kids love, and was allowing them to do what they wanted.   I still stayed the same dad.  And, I talked to  them about why.

I didn't see anything about you or her moving out... but once you or her move out... the healing will begin. 

I wish you peace in moving forward.  

take care, hope you get well soon !

[emprosnet7]

On 1/4/2021 at 10:28 PM, KTNSR said:

My wife of nearly 19 years at the time filed for divorce in May.  I was shocked and devastated.  We have three sons in the relationship.  I have been really struggling with trying to move forward over the past 8 months.  I have tried to restore the relationship but she has consistently refused.  What are some ways I can try to move on?  I'm also having a tough time with thinking about her a lot.  I'd rather never think about her at this point but she's popping in my head morning, noon, and night.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Same situation, hope we can get past the covid nightmare and meet some new and interesting people

[stillafool]

On 1/9/2021 at 12:14 PM, KTNSR said:

I didn't mention the fact that I have been sleeping far more than usual down in the dumps.  I have slept more the past couple months than at any time in my life.  Is that abnormal?  Also, I've been crying more than ever before.  Is this part of the healing process unfolding.

 

Yes it is and it's good you're crying to get it out instead of burying the pain inside which can be destructive.

Edited January 14, 2021 by stillafool