DEATH in the FAMILY/ NYE CONFUSION

[DB2021]

It started off so good. So smooth. Almost perfect.

We began talking in the middle of October 2020, and things only got better and better in November and December. She was a couple of months removed from a 2 year relationship, so from the start she told me to be patient with her. And I was. We had long in depth conversations. Venting about our past relationships. Slowly letting our guards down and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. And coming to an understanding of how we would try to fix any problem or situation that could potentially end what had. I did spoil her from time to time and she wasn't used to it. She would always ask " Why are you so nice to me?", because that type treatment was so foreign to her. But it felt good to see her smile and happy. She had the reputation of being the most kind-hearted, genuine, and loving person most people have ever met. To the point where some of her ex's took advantage of that kindness and it affected her mentally and emotionally. So naturally, I wanted her to experience something different. And for two months we made each other happier than we've ever been.

But then Wednesday, December 30th happens. We had been texting back and forth all day when she got the call. Her great grandmother had passed away. She had explained to me weeks before that there had been 3 or 4 deaths in family in the past few years. So she took this latest news really hard. Naturally, I wanted to see her and comfort her. But her exact words were:

"It's okay, don't worry. There's parts of me showing that I'm not exactly ready to let you see, so I'm sorry. I hope you understand and don't take it the wrong way. I don't deal with death very well so I may pull back some. But it has nothing to do with you, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life now"

I was hard to accept that at first because she wouldn't allow me to see her. But at the same time, it gave me some peace of mind knowing she wasn't going to just leave me and shut me out. So I respected her space and let her grieve the way that she wanted to.  As we continued to text, she appreciated how understanding I was about the situation and acknowledged that she was sorry that she wouldn't let me see her. She knew it was hard on me to sit on the sideline while she was in pain. And I didn't want to overstep her boundaries and push her away even more. As the the conversations became shorter and less frequent, I kept telling myself "I'm just giving her the space that she asked for".

The next day on New Years Eve, we're still communicating. I'm trying to be and gentle and mindful as I can be as she grieves. I mention again that I wish I was there to help her and she replies with:

"You're helping just by texting me and letting me deal in my own way (heart emoji, praying hands emoji)".

Again, this gave me some peace of mind that she wasn't going to leave me. She mentions that one of her closest and long time friends wants to see her and spend NYE with her. She tells me her friend "refuses to let me be home sad and crying, so I'm going to her place tonight". This made me feel a little frustrated because it's still killing me that she wont allow me to see her. But I bite my tongue and support her decision to celebrate the night with her closest friend. So in turn, I make my own plans and go celebrate with some friends of mine.

As the night progresses, we're still texting. But she's taking longer and longer to reply now. It was clear the vibe between us had definitely changed. I knew she was making an effort to communicate with me, but she was starting to really pull away like she warned me she would do. She finally stops texting me around 11pm on NYE. I wait till midnight to reach out. I call her first, wanting to wish her a Happy New Year. She doesn't pick up. I follow up with a text saying:

"You didn't answer, but I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year. The last two months with you have been amazing. You mean a lot to me and I hope I get to see you soon."

No reply.

I wait ALL of new years day to see if she replies. But nothing. So I send her text around 7pm asking if she's okay. 

Again, no reply.

At this point I'm worried and start to overthink. "Did she get home okay?" "Is she just hungover and sleeping it off?" or "Is she just flat out ignoring me?"

So I finally follow up with another text around 10pm  :"Can you reply with something that at least lets me know you're okay? I'm not trying to overreact, but this isn't like you. Please say something." She replies with: "I'm okay. I'm sorry. I'll text you tomorrow."

I reply wanting an explanation but she says she doesn't have it in her right now to explain. That she needs this space to put herself and her family first, and that she'll give me an explanation tomorrow. So I stop replying and go to sleep.

She finally replies with a long text the next day at 11am. Basically telling me she that

• She's sorry and feels terrible
• Its been a rough past couple of days that have taken a toll on her mental health
• Her decision to pull away has nothing to do with me 
• That she can't continue to be with me or talk to me because she's "nowhere near being in the right place to be starting anything"
• And that she'll try to drop off some of my things that I left at her place next week

Obviously I was crushed. I took a full day to reply with what I felt. Longest text message I've ever sent. We haven't talked since.

I feel like I did nothing wrong that would make her want to end things, but I could be wrong. I honestly don't know if I did too much in the beginning? Or not enough to keep her in the end? It's such a rare and difficult situation to try and navigate through because of the death in her family that she took really hard. And even though she warned me that she would pull away, she still gave me hope that we could get through this together. I gave her the space that she asked for to grieve. I just don't understand why she would only push me away while letting her closest friends comfort her. Especially if everything that came before the death was almost perfect between us. But  I understand that people grieve and deal with death differently. I miss her a lot because she had all of the good qualities that you look for in someone. But her behavior towards the end was so out of character that it confused me. And I know in my heart that she's not a bad person. But this one was tough, and still difficult to get over. She has since unfollowed me on all social media. Now I'm just preparing myself on what to ask her on the day she comes by to return my things.

 

 

Let me know what you guys think.

[maggiemtn]

2 hours ago, DB2021 said:

she was starting to really pull away like she warned me 

• That she can't continue to be with me or talk to me because she's "nowhere near being in the right place to be starting anything"

Take her at her word. She’s not ready for a commitment. Middle of October to now is 2.5 months. It’s not nearly enough time to get to know someone. This doesn’t sound like it’s anyone’s fault, and you should try not to overanalyze why it ended because you did nothing wrong. But that doesn’t mean someone is right for you. It’s all about timing and “singing from the same sheet of music” as my dad likes to say. There are so many people we may connect with along life’s path, but there are a million other factors that go into having a successful relationship and a lot of those are out of your control. She wants something different for her life right now. That’s okay. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, DB2021 said:

. She was a couple of months removed from a 2 year relationship.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately she wasn't ready to date.

It sounds like she's still talking to the on/off BF.

It's a red flag when someone is fresh out of a relationship. Possibly talking/negotiating the whole time.

Unfortunately it seems like this "friend" who comforted her on NYE, was her on/off BF.

She may seem sweet, but she's not ready to date.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[salparadise]

I think @maggiemtn is correct in saying that you should try not to analyze too much. When we do that, what we are actually doing is trying to process grief (of losing someone we cared about, similar to a death). But analysis doesn't result in revelations, and it can become obsessive, a continuous loop. t's also not effective in helping us processing the grief. What is effective is acceptance. When someone does what she did, there is probably very little rationality behind it; it's based on a feeling, and the reasons behind that are complex and often subconscious. It could be timing (which is always important), or her inability to tolerate vulnerability... which can be for various reasons. I would try not to take it too personally, which is difficult I know. But it really is more about her than you. It's one episode in a lifetime, although it's the one causing you pain right now. Accept that she's not ready and has retreated from the opportunity. Focus on understanding that what you feel is quite temporary (all things must pass) and it's not who you are, so allow it and process it but don't identify with it. Also realize that we cannot possess people, even in a relationship, and no matter how much we care. 

[Watercolors]

From everything you wrote, OP, to me it sounds like you were your girlfriend’s rebound, from her 2-year relationship that had just ended when you and she met and dated for two months.

I’ve been men’s rebounds before and it’s an unpleasant role. While you are ready for a full-on, long-term relationship, your ex-girlfriend just isn’t ready. It’s not that you did anything wrong necessarily that you can go back and “fix” to get your ex-back.

Dwelling on every finite detail of the 2.5 months you two dated, won’t help you let go and move forward. Whether this guy she was with on NYE was her on/off again boyfriend of 2 years, who knows. 

For whatever reason, she just changed her mind about dating you long-term. There’s nothing you can do when the other person changes their mind. That’s just how dating works. It’s painful when we’re rejected, but it happens. 

 

Edited January 5, 2021 by Watercolors

[alphamale]

^^^what Watercolours said

[ExpatInItaly]

Any chance she spent NYE with the ex? 

[d0nnivain]

OMG.   Her great grandmother died.  She takes death very hard & this one, somebody she loved to close out a tough year all around, devastated her.  You then put all this pressure on her, pestered her & did not let her grieve.  Yuck.

When she said she needed time to grieve, she was talking about weeks or months.  You barely gave her 12 hours before you were all over her, pushing your way into her space, demanding attention, expecting a regular NYE. 

If you have never lost anyone close you don't understand.  She was OK curling up & crying with her BFF because that girl friend probably new or at least new about the deceased great grand-mother.  You were a relative stranger.  You were overly demanding, not supportive & you made it about you. 

Her behavior was exactly IN Character.  Problem is you had only known her for 90 days & you had no idea how she grieves.  You didn't giver her any space.   On top of the break up, all of the horrors that were 2020 & now her great grandmother's death you pushed too hard & she decided that she can't handle a Cling-on on top of everything else.  You overwhelmed her when she was fragile & vulnerable. 

[ShyViolet]

You were way too pushy.  She told you that she needed space, and you kept texting her, and texting her.  When she didn't reply, sending you a clear message that she didn't want to talk, you kept texting her.  It's very possible that she was telling the truth that it had nothing to do with you.  But when you kept texting her after she didn't reply, this probably turned her off more.  Next time, learn to take a hint.  Respect people's boundaries.

On 1/4/2021 at 7:04 PM, DB2021 said:

Now I'm just preparing myself on what to ask her on the day she comes by to return my things.

I'm not sure what you mean by this.  There is nothing to ask her.  Just respect her, accept the situation and allow her to get her things with as little awkwardness as possible.  Do not try and get her back.  That would be disrespectful of the boundaries that she has clearly given you.