He dumped me after our holiday trip together

[Wenyyyy]

My ex of 6 months broke up with me via a phone call after a day of our holiday trip together and right before NYE where I planned to celebrate that with him. It is very painful because all I can think about is our awesome memories together after the trip and my feelings especially grow even stronger after that. The reason he told me is that he’s in his 31 this year and can’t project the future with me because we have different personalities, mindsets, cultures, interests and so on. We had also small fights when we were living together for a short while during lockdown and during our last holiday trip but he was willing to work on it together. But I did a mistake during the last night of our trip as I shouted at him in front of his mates and everyone in the bar but I couldn’t remember it because I was too wasted, felt very guilty after that. I am 22 this year and says the lifestyle and behaviour I have reflected him when he was 21 as being messy, lazy, disorganised and active on social media. He said he saw I made few changes on my behaviour but it’s not ideal for him. What does this mean? I am confused why wouldn’t he compromise and give us another chance again if he still have feelings for me. Do you think he will change his mind again? Anyone had the same experience or have any advice on how deal with? :(

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. He just wanted some fun, nothing serious.

Basically although you had some fun adventures and times together, you were incompatible.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Date people on the same page as you.

[Wenyyyy]

Does anyone think he could’ve found someone new or potential?

Edited January 5, 2021 by Wenyyyy
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[Wenyyyy]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. He just wanted some fun, nothing serious.

Basically although you had some fun adventures and times together, you were incompatible.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Date people on the same page as you.

Hmm how can you tell that he just wanted some fun, nothing serious? He seems like he’s looking for something serious especially he mentioned about his age

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

What does this mean? I am confused why wouldn’t he compromise and give us another chance again if he still have feelings for me. 

It's because he doesn't still have those feelings for you. 

He's seen enough to know this isn't the right relationship for him, and getting wasted and yelling at him in front of all his friends was the last straw. But, this coming even before that. He likely waited until the holiday was over to do it, but he was already thinking about it. 

Take the lessons here moving forward. Get a handle on the booze if you react badly to it. Remain No Contact. He's closed this door. 

[basil67]

Six months is when the rose coloured glasses come off and we start to see the reality of the situation.

When he said that he was like you at your age, this was him acknowledging that you're just acting your age.  Thing is, you're at a very different life stage to him.   He needs a woman who's closer to his level of maturity and shares more of his outlook on life.  And he knows that ultimately, you'll be a far better match for a guy who's closer in age to you and relates to your approach to life.     No amount of compromise is going to bring the two of you closer together in terms of maturity, culture, mindset, interests. 

It's unlikely he'll return.  But there will be plenty of more young men in your future.  

 

[JRabbit]

A lot of people find those who can't contain themselves while drinking not very attractive, myself included.  Some people can handle their alcohol and some can not, if you are becoming angry, upset, or violent when you drink it might be worth taking a bit of a breather from the booze.

I think he thought he wanted a hot young number but when things come down to it you are just most likely in two very different places in your life right now.  An age gap isn't an issue, but the ages involved in the age gap can make it one. 

[Ruby Slippers]

12 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

A lot of people find those who can't contain themselves while drinking not very attractive, myself included.  Some people can handle their alcohol and some can not, if you are becoming angry, upset, or violent when you drink it might be worth taking a bit of a breather from the booze.

I agree. Some people's worst comes out when they drink too much. Things were going pretty great with my last boyfriend, till one night a couple months in he had too much to drink and acted like a complete jerk. We kept trying but never quite recovered from that episode. From then on, he cut back to never having more than one drink, but the damage was already done.

Some people like myself can drink and just get fun and silly. Others like you get angry and stupid - so you should never again let your drinking get to that point if you don't want to blow up good relationships.

[Wenyyyy]

21 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree. Some people's worst comes out when they drink too much. Things were going pretty great with my last boyfriend, till one night a couple months in he had too much to drink and acted like a complete jerk. We kept trying but never quite recovered from that episode. From then on, he cut back to never having more than one drink, but the damage was already done.

Some people like myself can drink and just get fun and silly. Others like you get angry and stupid - so you should never again let your drinking get to that point if you don't want to blow up good relationships.

actually it was my first time of being that drunk of getting angry and venting at him, I remember maybe I was being jealous at him talking to other people but it was really silly for my reaction I had to admit  usually when I'm drunk I was always being silly and fun and talking bulls*** like how the worlds gonna end, but that night it was really weird of me... maybe my inner feelings came out screaming at the wrong time... but i felt full of regret because I've asked him if the last night of drunkness never happen would he ever made this decision and he said he wouldn't think so. But i guess u are right, damage has been done

[Ruby Slippers]

2 minutes ago, Wenyyyy said:

that night it was really weird of me... maybe my inner feelings came out screaming at the wrong time... but i felt full of regret because I've asked him if the last night of drunkness never happen would he ever made this decision and he said he wouldn't think so. But i guess u are right, damage has been done

Now you know that your ugly side can come out when you drink too much, so don't let it happen again if you don't want to risk destroying good things.

[Wenyyyy]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Now you know that your ugly side can come out when you drink too much, so don't let it happen again if you don't want to risk destroying good things.

its so weird actually when he was drunk he was also being silly and violent, caused lots of mess himself and he would forgot everything the next day. But I was always being there for him, cheering him up and cleaned up his mess, never gave up of him. Its really sad he can't remember all these things that I've done for him.

Edited January 5, 2021 by Wenyyyy

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, Wenyyyy said:

its so weird actually when he was drunk he also being silly and violent, caused lots of mess himself and he would forgot everything the next day. But I was always being there for him, cheering him up and cleaned up his mess, never gave up with him. Its really sad he can't remember all these things that I've done for him.

Making messes is one thing. Yelling at him in front of his friends is another. Different people have different tolerance levels for this nonsense. I'll never forget what a jerk my ex was that night he got drunk. He said he barely remembered any of it - but it's burned into my memory, made my respect and trust in him take a nosedive.

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

But I did a mistake during the last night of our trip as I shouted at him in front of his mates and everyone in the bar but I couldn’t remember it because I was too wasted, felt very guilty after that. 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you should feel guilty.   It's one thing to go off on him privately, but to do so in public in front of his mates and others is beyond the pale imo.

It's disrespectful.  You embarrased him, humiliated him.  And yourself.

There is no going back after this.  He has lost respect.  Being wasted is no excuse. 

Use this as a learning experience.  No matter how frustrated, angry or hurt you are, keep it private between you.  

I hope I'm wrong, Im just telling you how I would feel in that situation.  I would definitely be re-evaluating the relationship no matter how deeply I had cared prior. 

I'm sorry Wenyyy, lesson learned.  

Edited January 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[JRabbit]

46 minutes ago, Wenyyyy said:

its so weird actually when he was drunk he was also being silly and violent, caused lots of mess himself and he would forgot everything the next day. But I was always being there for him, cheering him up and cleaned up his mess, never gave up of him. Its really sad he can't remember all these things that I've done for him.

Sounds like neither of you should be drinking.

[notbroken]

You acted immature and disrespected him in front of his friends.  It confirmed to him that you were at different stages in life (you are).   No going back.  Learn a lesson and move on - maybe to someone closer to your age / life position.  Harsh words - but the truth can be harsh sometimes.   Best wishes sincerely.   You'll get over this and hopefully learned some valuable life lessons (watch your liquor consumption,  date people you are more compatible with, etc). 

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, notbroken said:

You acted immature and disrespected him in front of his friends.  It confirmed to him that you were at different stages in life (you are).   No going back.  Learn a lesson and move on - maybe to someone closer to your age / life position.  Harsh words - but the truth can be harsh sometimes.   Best wishes sincerely.   You'll get over this and hopefully learned some valuable life lessons (watch your liquor consumption,  date people you are more compatible with, etc). 

My thoughts exactly!! 

OP, you a re 21 years old so you are in that early adult stage where drinking, partying and getting wasted every night is common behavior. That’s what early 20-somethings all do to a certain extent.

However, your 31 year old boyfriend has already been through that early adult stage himself, and he’s not interested in babysitting a girlfriend who’s in that stage. 

You should date guys who are 21-25 because they will be in that party phase with you, based on where they’re at developmentally. Also, if you want your relationships to last, you need to stop going out and getting wasted all the time.

So, you have a lot to think about. Breakups hurt and you’ll hurt for a while. Try to see the life lesson about your behavior in this situation, and apply it to your next dating experience. 

Edited January 5, 2021 by Watercolors

[Wenyyyy]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

My thoughts exactly!! 

OP, you a re 21 years old so you are in that early adult stage where drinking, partying and getting wasted every night is common behavior. That’s what early 20-somethings all do to a certain extent.

However, your 31 year old boyfriend has already been through that early adult stage himself, and he’s not interested in babysitting a girlfriend who’s in that stage. 

You should date guys who are 21-25 because they will be in that party phase with you, based on where they’re at developmentally. Also, if you want your relationships to last, you need to stop going out and getting wasted all the time.

So, you have a lot to think about. Breakups hurt and you’ll hurt for a while. Try to see the life lesson about your behavior in this situation, and apply it to your next dating experience. 

to be honest  i am not a party girl myself, I've always only gone out when he wanted to go out for drinks and party (he's always initiated it). I am surprised that he still drinks and party lots at his stage of his age 😅 but yes i have to admit lesson learned, I should've known my alcohol limit... usually i never humiliate or shout at anyone when i was drunk, this was really my first time ever and it really scared me. But the damage has been done, I am learning to become better. 

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Wenyyyy said:

to be honest  i am not a party girl myself, I've always only gone out when he wanted to go out for drinks and party (he's always initiated it). I am surprised that he still drinks and party lots at his stage of his age 😅 but yes i have to admit lesson learned, I should've known my alcohol limit... usually i never humiliate or shout at anyone when i was drunk, this was really my first time ever and it really scared me. But the damage has been done, I am learning to become better. 

I got to thinking and people do make mistakes.  When we apologize and show remorse, when we love and care about our partners, we make an effort to forgive.  I know I do.

I think what's happening here goes deeper than just you going off on him in public in front of friends.  He may have been thinking about this for a while.   My sense is he is interested in another woman Wenyyy, not sure where that feeling is coming from, just a gut feeling.

He has feelings for another woman and may have had those feelings for a long time.

[Wenyyyy]

30 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you should feel guilty.   It's one thing to go off on him privately, but to do so in public in front of his mates and others is beyond the pale imo.

It's disrespectful.  You embarrased him, humiliated him.  And yourself.

There is no going back after this.  He has lost respect.  Being wasted is no excuse. 

Use this as a learning experience.  No matter how frustrated, angry or hurt you are, keep it private between you.  

I hope I'm wrong, Im just telling you how I would feel in that situation.  I would definitely be re-evaluating the relationship no matter how deeply I had cared prior. 

I'm sorry Wenyyy, lesson learned.  

Thanks for your advice poppyfields, you helped me to see on a wider perspective. really biggest regret in my life, I should really control my alcohol assumption

[Wenyyyy]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

I got to thinking and people do make mistakes.  When we apologize and show remorse, when we love and care about our partners, we make an effort to forgive.  I know I do.

I think what's happening here goes deeper than just you going off on him in public in front of friends.  He may have been thinking about this for a while.   My sense is he is interested in another woman Wenyyy, not sure where that feeling is coming from, just a gut feeling.

He has feelings for another woman and may have had those feelings for a long time.

yeah I think I would feel embarrassed and angry at him if he would do that to me but I would take some days to cool off as my boyfriend is my priority.  Hmm I am really curious why you would think theres another woman... You know what, guess I would never know the whole truth, only time would tell.

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Wenyyyy said:

yeah I think I would feel embarrassed and angry at him if he would do that to me but I would take some days to cool off as my boyfriend is my priority.  Hmm I am really curious why you would think theres another woman... You know what, guess I would never know the whole truth, only time would tell.

I have nothing to base it on Wenyyyy, it's just a "feeling" or sense that came to me while reading.  I get them from time to time.  Pay no mind if you don't want, I just thought I'd mention it.

That said, I do think there is more going on than just the incident at the bar.  As I said, we all make dumb mistakes, lord knows I have made some doozies!  But when we express remorse and vow to be better, when our partner loves us, they make an effort to forgive.

Anyway, I am really sorry, I know you're hurting.  But life is full of lessons to learn, and this is one.  

I am glad you have recognized where you went wrong and making an effort to do better.  That's all we can do.

I wish you nothing but the best moving forward, happy new year! 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

he told me is that he’s in his 31 this year and can’t project the future with me because we have different personalities, mindsets, cultures, interests and so on.

All of this the bolded above contradicts what he said below:

1 hour ago, Wenyyyy said:

I've asked him if the last night of drunkness never happen would he ever made this decision and he said he wouldn't think so.

If he's being honest, he would have made this decision sooner or later. He cited valid reasons to end it beyond this one drunken night, so I would wager with near-certainty that he was already looking for the "right" time to make his exit from this relationship. This episode with you losing your mind at the pub just presented the occasion to do it (and possibly his confirmation that he was right to end it, unfortunately) 

[JRabbit]

31 minutes ago, Wenyyyy said:

yeah I think I would feel embarrassed and angry at him if he would do that to me but I would take some days to cool off as my boyfriend is my priority.

To him this was likely a red flag that he didn't want to ignore.  It's best not to ignore when someone is abusive to you in public.

Edited January 5, 2021 by JRabbit

[elaine567]

Many men early thirties are actually looking for a potential wife and the mother of their children.
So his potential bride getting wasted and screaming at him in front of his friends, is not who he wants as the mother of his kids.
Him getting wasted is OK, from his POV. You are there to pick up the pieces, he is a man, he is allowed to do that, but you needed to be whiter than white... Hypocritical yes but it it what it is.
Few make a deal breaker out of an incident, but the incident can be the last straw, so the result is, the incident becomes the deal breaker.
i guess this was building up for a while and the drunken episode confirmed it for him.
You were not wife material so he bowed out.
 

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

I am 22 this year

You may not realize it, but you are very young and likely to be approaching your peak physical attractiveness to others in coming years. BFs will in all likelihood come and go. Process your feelings and be prepared to move on surprisingly readily once you do. Avoiding drunken mistakes is also wise, as they sometimes have far-reaching consequences. Live and learn...