He dumped me after our holiday trip together

[Wenyyyy]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All of this the bolded above contradicts what he said below:

If he's being honest, he would have made this decision sooner or later. He cited valid reasons to end it beyond this one drunken night, so I would wager with near-certainty that he was already looking for the "right" time to make his exit from this relationship. This episode with you losing your mind at the pub just presented the occasion to do it (and possibly his confirmation that he was right to end it, unfortunately) 

yeah sadly, he should've been honest with me and i do think communication is the key rather just hide and bury the problems/feelings and accumulates into one and led to this unfortunate decision

Edited January 5, 2021 by Wenyyyy

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, Wenyyyy said:

yeah sadly, he should've been honest with me and i do think communication is the key rather just hide and bury the problems/feelings and accumulates into one and led to this unfortunate decision

I agree. 

However, when someone isn't communicating those problems, it's often because they're not invested and interested enough in finding solutions. 

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree. 

However, when someone isn't communicating those problems, it's often because they're not invested and interested enough in finding solutions. 

I was just going to write the same observation about people. If someone isn’t telling you the whole truth, it’s because they stopped investing in their relationship with you because they are no longer interested in being with you. Has happened to me and happens to everyone at some point, when the other person decides they want ‘out’ of the relationship. 

But I agree with the others about your behavior at the pub, screaming at your boyfriend in public was extremely immature and childish behavior on your part. Don’t do that anymore with anyone. If you have a problem, learn to communicate it when you’re not wasted drunk in public. 

I realize you are very young, being 21 almost 22. But you have a lot to learn about relationships yet. Some of your experiences will be great and some will be awful, like this relationship experience was. Each time, take away the lessons these experiences show you about yourself and about other people. The more you know the wiser choices you’ll make. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

its so weird actually when he was drunk he was also being silly and violent, caused lots of mess himself and he would forgot everything the next day. But I was always being there for him, cheering him up and cleaned up his mess, never gave up of him. Its really sad he can't remember all these things that I've done for him.

And here is a red flag which you missed.  Someone who is violent when drunk and causes mess (breaking stuff?) is someone you should run from.   Cheering him up, cleaning his mess is only enabling his behaviour.  It's all past history now, but please don't repeat this mistake with another guy.

[Miss Spider]

Spending a lot of time with someone can make you realize things you hadn’t before. He thinks you are incompatible. He sounds messed up anyway. I’m sorry this happened. 

Edited January 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

I remember maybe I was being jealous at him talking to other people...maybe my inner feelings came out screaming at the wrong time...

Wenyyy, what's this^ about?  Who was he talking to, another woman?  Is that why you got jealous?  

You mention inner feelings, curious statement.  

Were there things in the relationship you felt troubled by that you kept bottled up?

And then seeing him talking to this other person, or people, all those feelings rose up and you went off on him?  

It's good to reflect on these things, introspect.  I always did when an important relationship ended, it's helped me grow, evolve. 

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And here is a red flag which you missed.  Someone who is violent when drunk and causes mess (breaking stuff?) is someone you should run from.   Cheering him up, cleaning his mess is only enabling his behaviour.  It's all past history now, but please don't repeat this mistake with another guy.

I agree with this.  Sounds like this relationship was a bit more complicated, and perhaps unhealthy, than originally thought to be.

Anyway, again lesson learned.

[deepthinking]

Is the anger-outburst something you have done at other people?   I know a woman who thinks it is good to shout if angry so make sure that if you have a point to make,  just say it do not shout. Though we all do it now and again; it just slips out under pressure just try not to.

Edited January 5, 2021 by deepthinking

[Wenyyyy]

14 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

Is the anger-outburst something you have done at other people?   I know a woman who thinks it is good to shout if angry so make sure that if you have a point to make,  just say it do not shout. Though we all do it now and again; it just slips out under pressure just try not to.

Nope I’ve never done anything like this to anyone. I was shocked myself of behaving like that but it was one time thing that went out of control due to my silly drunk level. But yeah I guess we all have our drunk moments and this was really the worst one I’ve ever been.

Edited January 5, 2021 by Wenyyyy

[Wenyyyy]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

And here is a red flag which you missed.  Someone who is violent when drunk and causes mess (breaking stuff?) is someone you should run from.   Cheering him up, cleaning his mess is only enabling his behaviour.  It's all past history now, but please don't repeat this mistake with another guy.

Yeah I was probably blind with love. I told him what happened the next day he apologised and forgave him bc I know he didn’t mean it.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

yeah sadly, he should've been honest with me and i do think communication is the key rather just hide and bury the problems/feelings and accumulates into one and led to this unfortunate decision

Communication is only the key if both parties wish to stay together.   However, adding the age difference and alcohol issues for both of you to "we have different personalities, mindsets, cultures, interests and so on", it was just too far gone.  There were too many problems and much of it isn't able to be addressed with communication anyway.  

 

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

 The reason he told me is that he’s in his 31 this year and can’t project the future with me because we have different personalities, mindsets, cultures, interests and so on. 

He said he saw I made few changes on my behaviour but it’s not ideal for him. What does this mean? I am confused why wouldn’t he compromise and give us another chance again if he still have feelings for me. Do you think he will change his mind again? Anyone had the same experience or have any advice on how deal with?

He knows he's turning 31 this year and will be looking for his future wife.  You are still immature and it shows.  Nothing against you as you're only 22.  Of course he still has feelings for you but they aren't strong enough to make him want to give this another chance.  Just let him go and enjoy your youth while you've still got it.

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Wenyyyy said:

Nope I’ve never done anything like this to anyone. I was shocked myself of behaving like that but it was one time thing that went out of control due to my silly drunk level. But yeah I guess we all have our drunk moments and this was really the worst one I’ve ever been.

Wenyyy, honestly unless you verbally berated him, in time if he loves you, he will forgive you and return.  You've expressed remorse and vowed to improve.

Unless as others have said, there is something deeper going on, and he's been on his way out for awhile and used this as the perfect opportunity.

I don't know what was said, all you said was that you shouted at him.  For what and what words were used?

I have had public arguments with boyfriends before when had a bit too much to drink, we forgive each other.

So I don't know, seems to be more to him breaking up with you than just this.

How were things prior to this incident?

Edited January 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Wenyyyy said:

Yeah I was probably blind with love. I told him what happened the next day he apologised and forgave him bc I know he didn’t mean it.

See, that is precisely my point in my last post.   He apologized, expressed remorse, you know he didn't intend to hurt you or cause harm to you forgave him.

Why can't he do the same here?  Especially since it was the first time and you don't have a habit of getting drunk and going off on him.  

Apparently he does not want to forgive you, which is quite telling.  Which suggests he's been on his way out for awhile.

 

 

Edited January 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wenyyyy]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Wenyyy, honestly unless you verbally berated him, in time if he loves you, he will forgive you and return.  You've expressed remorse and vowed to improve.

Unless as others have said, there is something deeper going on, and he's been on his way out for awhile and used this as the perfect opportunity.

I don't know what was said, all you said was that you yelled at him.  For what and what words were used?

I have had public arguments with boyfriends before when had a bit too much to drink, we forgive each other.

So I don't know, seems to be more to him breaking up with you than jus this, jmo.

I can’t remember precisely what words I’ve used, but just normal arguments we had I supposed. But yes I do believe the last night of our trip triggers the break up. Through the phone, he said there are accumulations of small fights that we had in the past into small cups (when we were living together for 2 months during lockdown) and also our differences in mindset, behaviour, priorities and such made him realised he couldn’t project the long term future with me anymore. 

[Wenyyyy]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He knows he's turning 31 this year and will be looking for his future wife.  You are still immature and it shows.  Nothing against you as you're only 22.  Of course he still has feelings for you but they aren't strong enough to make him want to give this another chance.  Just let him go and enjoy your youth while you've still got it.

Yeah to be frank, he and his mates kept saying that I am mature compared to other girls at my age and was amazed I was this young. But I guess in the end, I still got young side/personalities that I should improve on (being lazy, messy, disorganised etc). Apparently he has lost his patience to see my changes/efforts, there’s nothing I can do anymore but to grow and develop myself 

Edited January 5, 2021 by Wenyyyy

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

 I told him what happened the next day he apologised and forgave him bc I know he didn’t mean it.

What did he do?

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

 Apparently he has lost his patience to see my changes/efforts, there’s nothing I can do anymore but to grow and develop myself 

Ok, you can just be yourself. No need to impress anyone.

If you drank too much, lesson learned.

That's what life experience is about. We do stuff/try stuff.... Then think to ourselves "this sucks" and then it hopefully won't happen again.

 

 

 

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

But I guess in the end, I still got young side/personalities that I should improve on (being lazy, messy, disorganised etc).

Being lazy, messy and disorganized are not traits of young people but of people who are lazy, messy and disorganized.  I know 65 year old who have these traits.  Don't blame this on being young but you are correct to improve it.

[JRabbit]

18 hours ago, Wenyyyy said:

But yeah I guess we all have our drunk moments and this was really the worst one I’ve ever been

Ok but didnt you say it was your first time being drunk? Which is it?

[JRabbit]

18 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Why can't he do the same here?  Especially since it was the first time and you don't have a habit of getting drunk and going off on him.  

If someone yells you at in public in front of all your friends, I don't think it is something that should be forgiven so easily. One time in 20 year marriage? OK.  One time in a short dating period while on vacay? Nope. Thats a huge red flag. They do that in public, it will be worse in private too.

OP at least he was honest with you regarding the reason why he ended things.

Edited January 6, 2021 by JRabbit

[Highndry]

On 1/4/2021 at 10:42 PM, Wenyyyy said:

But I did a mistake during the last night of our trip as I shouted at him in front of his mates and everyone in the bar but I couldn’t remember it because I was too wasted, felt very guilty after that.

That's a dealbreaker for me. No 2nd chances on that one. Sorry.