Supporting a family member through divorce

[Alpacalia]

A close family member is going through a divorce and has turned to me as a source of ongoing support, which I welcome, as this person is very important to me. I have been talking my family member through it for about six months now and I hate to admit but it's starting to take a toll on me. What worries me the most is that this family member has not been eating, has lost significant weight, and she has a medical condition where skipping meals just isn't wise.

I can just tell in her voice that she is extremely depressed (although she denies being depressed) but I'm very worried about her and I sometimes feel as though I am running out of things to say (although I do try my best just to listen).

I guess for myself, I could use a bit of morale.

Thanks for listening.

[FMW]

It's really wonderful and caring of you to be there for her.  At some point though (and it seems you are there or near to it) you exhaust yourself and bring yourself down.  At that point you can't help her, plus then you have to pull yourself back up.

I would encourage her to talk to a counselor, as well as encourage her to be active and involved with things as much as safely possible with COVID.  There are numerous online forums for people going through divorce, encourage her to check those out.  Reading stories from others going through a similar situation might help her put things into perspective.       

Your number one responsibility is to take care of yourself - so make sure and spend plenty of time with things that make you happy.  Don't let her problems dominate your life right now.  No matter how much you do, it's ultimately up to her to pull herself out of this funk.     

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

It's really wonderful and caring of you to be there for her.  At some point though (and it seems you are there or near to it) you exhaust yourself and bring yourself down.  At that point you can't help her, plus then you have to pull yourself back up.

I would encourage her to talk to a counselor, as well as encourage her to be active and involved with things as much as safely possible with COVID.  There are numerous online forums for people going through divorce, encourage her to check those out.  Reading stories from others going through a similar situation might help her put things into perspective.       

Your number one responsibility is to take care of yourself - so make sure and spend plenty of time with things that make you happy.  Don't let her problems dominate your life right now.  No matter how much you do, it's ultimately up to her to pull herself out of this funk.     

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.  I like the idea of recommending an online forum for her to connect with other women that are going through a divorce (especially during Covid).   

[d0nnivain]

there are support groups out there for people going through a divorce.  See if you can help this person find one. 

If they are close enough & it's safe, invite them over for a meal.  If they are far send food.   Make it easy -- heat & eat -- so they don't have to put in much effort.  Include their favorite treats / dessert.  At this point in the face of noticeable weight loss even empty calories have some value.  

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

there are support groups out there for people going through a divorce.  See if you can help this person find one. 

If they are close enough & it's safe, invite them over for a meal.  If they are far send food.   Make it easy -- heat & eat -- so they don't have to put in much effort.  Include their favorite treats / dessert.  At this point in the face of noticeable weight loss even empty calories have some value.  

 

Great ideas.  Currently, I do not live nearby but I just sent her a little care package with some resources printed out.  Hopefully it will help her feel a bit better and she can look into the resources I included on her own volition.

[Gaeta]

As she seen her family doctor? It doesn't seem normal to me that after 6 months she continues not eating, she is in a depression and needs medical attention. Years ago I went through a very difficult separation and I refused to talk to my doctor about it. I ended up dragging a depression for 4 years. I regret not seeking medical help, I lost all those years hurting when I didn't have to. 

[ShyViolet]

Its' good that you are trying to be a source of support but you cannot take responsibility for her well-being.  You can't be a replacement for a therapist or a doctor.  Ultimately she has to seek professional help.  

As for the weight loss, using a nutritional supplement like Ensure might really help.  She can order it on amazon.  It helps get those extra calories and nutrients into the body even when you don't have an appetite and aren't able to eat normally.  I actually had an issue with unintended weight loss and I started using this protein shake called Vega and I have felt much, much better since.

[Alpacalia]

Thanks everyone. I know she'll be fine - she's a tough cookie, I was just feeling a bit run down with worry but this thread gave me the little pep that I needed.  

[Pumaza]

Nice of you,but is there more family members that can help her,even if its just a call.

Contact her doctor for advice and help.

Dont take it all on you. There is help and therapist out there to help.✌🏽🌺

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Pumaza said:

Nice of you,but is there more family members that can help her,even if its just a call.

Contact her doctor for advice and help.

Dont take it all on you. There is help and therapist out there to help.✌🏽🌺

I was going to update this because I felt a little tired earlier this week. She's in a very precarious situation, and it's mentally draining at times to listen to, so I can only imagine how she's feeling to be on the receiving end. She still doesn't eat well, and she's constantly vomiting, so it's clearly taking a toll on her. I believe a therapist is best at this point, but I don't know if it's my place to suggest it or how I'm going to bring it up. 

Thank you for your help, writing out my feelings brings me some comfort.

[Pumaza]

If you dont, none of you will get a solution and soon it gonna makebu more tired.

Just call the doctor tell him all your concerns ,they know this issues.

They will give you advice.

She probably wont eat because she start thinking there is no life now that the divorce is over. So for that a therapist is needed so she see life happens and you gotta move on.

Beside the goal is for her to get better and back to her normal life , so steps needs to be make in that direction.

You done your part,now its time for professionals to come in and help.

Ps: maybe you can make fruitshakes or get a juicer,and give her small portions of it also during the day.

People that dont wanna eat often do wanna drink, even if its water.Maybe this shakes can open her up to eat a bit more,and she gets something in this way hopefully. 

 

[Watercolors]

21 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I was going to update this because I felt a little tired earlier this week. She's in a very precarious situation, and it's mentally draining at times to listen to, so I can only imagine how she's feeling to be on the receiving end. She still doesn't eat well, and she's constantly vomiting, so it's clearly taking a toll on her. I believe a therapist is best at this point, but I don't know if it's my place to suggest it or how I'm going to bring it up. 

Thank you for your help, writing out my feelings brings me some comfort.

You need to disentangle yourself from your cousin or she will take you down with her. 

This is a situation that calls for some very clear boundaries. You're allowing your cousin to take complete advantage of you and you are not caring for yourself at all. That is on you, I'm afraid. If you want any semblance of normalcy or balance back in your life, you need to stop being available to your cousin as a crisis phone #. 

Here's an example if how you can set some strict boundaries with your cousin: 

"I know you're going through a rough time and I'm glad to help. I want to help so I found these resources for you [give her the phone # or website addresses]. I am not a licensed counselor so they can help you better." Then, do NOT answer her incessant texts or emails anymore. Just tell her in one email that you cannot be available to her anymore on the 24/7 basis that you have been for the past six months. You will not get your life back, unless you set some boundaries. 

Since she doesn't live w/you, you are fortunate. Otherwise, she'd be draining you financially too. She can vent to a divorce lawyer, a divorce women's support group, and an individual therapist and to her medical doctor. But she needs to stop siphoning you for constant emotional support. You need to instill some boundaries with your cousin. And you need to do that starting today. 

[Alpacalia]

46 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

You need to disentangle yourself from your cousin or she will take you down with her. 

This is a situation that calls for some very clear boundaries. You're allowing your cousin to take complete advantage of you and you are not caring for yourself at all. That is on you, I'm afraid. If you want any semblance of normalcy or balance back in your life, you need to stop being available to your cousin as a crisis phone #. 

Here's an example if how you can set some strict boundaries with your cousin: 

"I know you're going through a rough time and I'm glad to help. I want to help so I found these resources for you [give her the phone # or website addresses]. I am not a licensed counselor so they can help you better." Then, do NOT answer her incessant texts or emails anymore. Just tell her in one email that you cannot be available to her anymore on the 24/7 basis that you have been for the past six months. You will not get your life back, unless you set some boundaries. 

Since she doesn't live w/you, you are fortunate. Otherwise, she'd be draining you financially too. She can vent to a divorce lawyer, a divorce women's support group, and an individual therapist and to her medical doctor. But she needs to stop siphoning you for constant emotional support. You need to instill some boundaries with your cousin. And you need to do that starting today. 

This is perfect, thank you!

[Watercolors]

6 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

This is perfect, thank you!

As awkward as it will feel to set boundaries - society conditions us to help out of guilt as if that's a good thing...but it isn't - you will feel a HUGE sense of relief when you get your life back. Six months of constant crisis support to your cousin is far more than most people would do for a relative. As others have pointed out, time to let the professionals take over. You did your job. 

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

As awkward as it will feel to set boundaries - society conditions us to help out of guilt as if that's a good thing...but it isn't - you will feel a HUGE sense of relief when you get your life back. Six months of constant crisis support to your cousin is far more than most people would do for a relative. As others have pointed out, time to let the professionals take over. You did your job. 

Amen!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Alpaca, having been through a divorce and having supported a family member through divorce I understand what you're talking about. I had several friends to talk with (but didn't do that much talking with them, just a little here and there) when going through mine but one family member in particular was there for me 24/7 through the eight months I needed them.

That family member has now passed on but I can tell you that they made a huge difference in my life that I could never repay them for. I don't know how I'd have gotten through it without this person. They were a very giving person who did not set boundaries when it comes to helping another person. You could say they lived sacrificially out of love.

I also was able to pass it (sacrificial giving) on to another family member who was going through a divorce. The person is over it now but brings up from time-to-time their great appreciation and what a difference I made in their life. I can honestly say the person wore me out emotionally and also to the point it affected every aspect of my life for a year. But, I'm so glad I did it. The person is thriving now and I'm so very thankful!

I didn't do it for praise. I did it out of love to help another person.

You read about heroes who take some great physical action of risk to save a life. I put this type thing in the same category. You are risking your own well being to help another person.

Not everyone would be a hero to another in a physical sense. That's why some actions are deemed heroic, because it's a special deed to sacrifice yourself for another. Many people wouldn't do it.

It sounds to me as if you've been a hero to this person.

I will tell you this, I would do it all over again for the person I served or any other person I love. Not for the praise. Just because I have learned that life is not about self, it's about serving others.

I'm sure many will disagree with this. And this isn't aimed at any other poster, it's just a different perspective I'm offering. It is often said that this is a "me generation." And I know people preach boundaries boundaries boundaries. And I do have some boundaries in my life. However, when it comes to helping a family member or close friend through a terrible trial (which many divorces are) of any sort I have no boundaries.

I'd encourage you to reflect on the value of what you've been doing. I cannot stress enough the value I found in the help that was given me. I'll be forever grateful for it. I'm sure there are those who wouldn't have done it. To each his own!

Just sharing my own perspective and also wishing you the best, whatever you may decide to do!

Edited January 24, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[LivingWaterPlease]

7 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Alpaca, having been through a divorce and having supported a family member through divorce I understand what you're talking about. I had several friends to talk with (but didn't do that much talking with them, just a little here and there) when going through mine but one family member in particular was there for me 24/7 through the eight months I needed them.

That family member has now passed on but I can tell you that they made a huge difference in my life that I could never repay them for. I don't know how I'd have gotten through it without this person. They were a very giving person who did not set boundaries when it comes to helping another person. You could say they lived sacrificially out of love.

I also was able to pass it (sacrificial giving) on to another family member who was going through a divorce. The person is over it now but brings up from time-to-time their great appreciation and what a difference I made in their life. I can honestly say the person wore me out emotionally and also to the point it affected every aspect of my life for a year. But, I'm so glad I did it. The person is thriving now and I'm so very thankful!

I didn't do it for praise. I did it out of love to help another person.

You read about heroes who take some great physical action of risk to save a life. I put this type thing in the same category. You are risking your own well being to help another person.

Not everyone would be a hero to another in a physical sense. That's why some actions are deemed heroic, because it's a special deed to sacrifice yourself for another. Many people wouldn't do it.

It sounds to me as if you've been a hero to this person.

I will tell you this, I would do it all over again for the person I served or any other person I love. Not for the praise. Just because I have learned that life is not about self, it's about serving others.

I'm sure many will disagree with this. And this isn't aimed at any other poster, it's just a different perspective I'm offering. It is often said that this is a "me generation." And I know people preach boundaries boundaries boundaries. And I do have some boundaries in my life. However, when it comes to helping a family member or close friend through a terrible trial (which many divorces are) of any sort I have no boundaries.

I'd encourage you to reflect on the value of what you've been doing. I cannot stress enough the value I found in the help that was given me. I'll be forever grateful for it. I'm sure there are those who wouldn't have done it. To each his own!

Just sharing my own perspective and also wishing you the best, whatever you may decide to do! 

PS When you've run out of things to say, just repeat what you've been saying that has been helpful. That was done for me and I did it for the other. The person needs to hear over and over that the pain will lessen. That they'll be able to move on. That they are loved. That the jerk things the ex is doing are in fact, jerk things! Etc. When you are in great emotional pain it really helps to hear the truth told to you over and over. And it helps the person going through it to say the same things over and over. Granted you may decide to draw boundaries so this may not be applicable. Adding just in case and wishing you the best!

 

Edited January 24, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I'd encourage you to reflect on the value of what you've been doing. I cannot stress enough the value I found in the help that was given me. I'll be forever grateful for it. I'm sure there are those who wouldn't have done it. To each his own!

Just sharing my own perspective and also wishing you the best, whatever you may decide to do!

I will... 

Thank you. ❤️

[Wiseman2]

Divorcing people don't mean to be emotional vampires, it just can turn out like this. The trick is to limit how much you'll listen to. 

You can in fact suggest that a therapist to guide them through the process is a good idea.

If it's so bad, that they are complaining of physical symptoms, by all means suggest they see their physician.

[Watercolors]

@LivingWaterPlease While I agree with your post to Alpaca about reflecting on the value of her support over the past six months to her cousin who is going through a divorce, I 100% disagree that anyone who sacrifices their emotional and physical well-being for the sake of another, is a martyr or a hero. There is absolutely nothing heroic or psychologically healthy, about dropping your protective boundaries, to let another person completely siphon your mental and physical well-being on a 24/7 basis for months on end. That's a horrific existence.

@Alpaca I think you need to cut the supply to your cousin and direct her to professionals. That's what they get paid for - helping people through divorce. You can still be a supportive figure but take a completely background role now. She cannot be allowed to bombard you anymore as you've allowed her for the past six months. Is that what you want?

Edited January 24, 2021 by Watercolors

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Is that what you want?

I recognize the value and importance of both perspectives. But, I think it's wise that I make the recommendation (like you suggested) and limit my ear time with her for my own wellbeing. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

7 hours ago, Watercolors said:

@LivingWaterPlease While I agree with your post to Alpaca about reflecting on the value of her support over the past six months to her cousin who is going through a divorce, I 100% disagree that anyone who sacrifices their emotional and physical well-being for the sake of another, is a martyr or a hero. There is absolutely nothing heroic or psychologically healthy, about dropping your protective boundaries, to let another person completely siphon

Watercolors, the post was written for the OP.

As I stated in my post, many will disagree which is a good thing and the value of getting counsel from various posters. Seems to me OP can take from each post what she likes and apply it.

I hold firmly to what I've written in my post.

I would address the points you brought up but it is a rule of LS that posters are not supposed to go back and forth in regards to discussing their opinions about the OP and their situation. Just so you know I'm not ignoring addressing your concerns. I try to follow the rule but sometimes mess up!

Edited January 25, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Alpacalia]

I just wanted to thank everyone that took the time to help me with this matter. It was a huge help, she's doing much better, and I've been able to establish healthier boundaries for myself in the process. 

[Gaeta]

I'm glad she is doing better and you've been able to detached yourself a little. Healthier boundaries is good to you but also will save your friendship. 

I remember supporting a friend for months after her separation, listening to her on the phone every day, running to her house every time her son called me in a panic because he was afraid of what she could do to herself. It had been very draining and after 5-6 months of this she returned with her ex. From there I completely withdrew from the friendship. 

[Alpacalia]

19 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I'm glad she is doing better and you've been able to detached yourself a little. Healthier boundaries is good to you but also will save your friendship. 

I remember supporting a friend for months after her separation, listening to her on the phone every day, running to her house every time her son called me in a panic because he was afraid of what she could do to herself. It had been very draining and after 5-6 months of this she returned with her ex. From there I completely withdrew from the friendship. 

Thank you, Gaeta.

Sorry that happened to you.

I think the storm has passed, for the most part.