How to get her to commit?

[Emilie Jolie]

Just now, Andzh said:

Well, actually she could be the same. She commited with the older man, because there was financial stability. About me, she says that she is only 50:50 sure of me. She has the feelings etc, but she still has some small things she has to get over. She also said that she wants to go into a relationship just when she is 100% commited to it. I am just worried that if I stay here “as a friend” she will start to see me like one and lose the attraction. 

Well, if she's like me, she won't. My own 'getting to know' process is based on the understanding that there is mutual attraction and absolutely nobody else involved. But really, you need to have this chat with her, one on one.

[Andzh]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Of course she says she doesn't see it. It doesn't suit her purposes to admit it 

You don't have to go along with whatever she says, Andzh. If it doesn't feel right for you, you don't need her endorsement to bow out. 

Thank you. I know all of that in my head. I jnderstand with my mind that it should not be like this. Is just that I have never had such strong feelings about enyone. I would marry her tommorow if I could, but she is not the same. 

[Andzh]

1 minute ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Well, if she's like me, she won't. My own 'getting to know' process is based on the understanding that there is mutual attraction and absolutely nobody else involved. But really, you need to have this chat with her, one on one.

We had a lot of conversations already. At this piont she says that we have to live without any expectations and see where this goes. That we have to spend time together, talk about stuff etc and then if it’s meant to be, it will be. But it’s difficult for me to have no expectations if I love her and I know that she has feelings too

[Emilie Jolie]

13 minutes ago, Andzh said:

We had a lot of conversations already. At this piont she says that we have to live without any expectations and see where this goes. That we have to spend time together, talk about stuff etc and then if it’s meant to be, it will be. But it’s difficult for me to have no expectations if I love her and I know that she has feelings too

Can you try and temper yourself a little bit? She might feel completely overwhelmed / out of her depth. I know I would be (because of this same stupid way my mind works). 

Equally, you shouldn't feel your hand forced into anything. As she says, whatever happens happens. You have your own agency, you are free to walk out of it anytime.

Edited January 5, 2021 by Emilie Jolie

[notbroken]

Sorry, but this girl is walking all over you.   You should have NEVER taken her back.   As painful as it is, you need to get her out of your life completely ASAP.  Pull the band aid off.  Half in and half out is just too painful and she has blatantly said she isn't all in.   Hard next!

[Andzh]

11 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Can you try and temper yourself a little bit? She might feel completely overwhelmed / out of her depth. I know I would be (because of this same stupid way my mind works). 

Equally, you shouldn't feel your hand forced into anything. As she says, whatever happens happens. You have your own agency, you are free to walk out of it anytime.

It’s difficult to live without expectations if I have them come naturally. I will try to be more chill and peacefull. If that might work. 

[Emilie Jolie]

3 minutes ago, Andzh said:

It’s difficult to live without expectations if I have them come naturally. I will try to be more chill and peacefull. If that might work. 

It's actually quite easy and much healthier (imo) to live without expectations. High standards yes, expectations no, because they are a recipe for disappointment.

[Andzh]

4 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

It's actually quite easy and much healthier (imo) to live without expectations. High standards yes, expectations no, because they are a recipe for disappointment.

I completely agree. I just have to learn how to do that 

[Emilie Jolie]

6 minutes ago, Andzh said:

I completely agree. I just have to learn how to do that 

The main thing is understanding expectations = pressure = bad outcome and/or negative pattern in the relationship (likely push/pull, wishy-washy dynamics, insecurities, anxiety, avoidance, etc). Nobody wants or needs that. Both of you are free to leave at any point. It's a two-way street, not a prison sentence. 

[Andzh]

5 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

The main thing is understanding expectations = pressure = bad outcome and/or negative pattern in the relationship (likely push/pull, wishy-washy dynamics, insecurities, anxiety, avoidance, etc). Nobody wants or needs that. Both of you are free to leave at any point. It's a two-way street, not a prison sentence. 

True. Just that if we didn’t have history already and if now she didn’t tell me she had feelings, it would be easier to live without these illusions in my head. 

[Emilie Jolie]

2 minutes ago, Andzh said:

True. Just that if we didn’t have history already and if now she didn’t tell me she had feelings, it would be easier to live without these illusions in my head. 

Well, it's up to you what you're prepared to take on, I guess. Not worth it if it's going to send you into a spin.

[Andzh]

3 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Well, it's up to you what you're prepared to take on, I guess. Not worth it if it's going to send you into a spin.

Well, if I love the girl, I should stick around for awhile, trying the “no expectation” thing and see what happens. 

[Emilie Jolie]

On the full understanding that you are the master of your ship and that if it doesn't work out, you'll be fine too, then sure!

[Versacehottie]

I agree with Emile Jolie on a lot of what she has said.   I think some of what your girl believes your expectations are is overwhelming to her.  It's a little suffocating (if you tend toward being non-committal in general or the other person reaches that committal stage so far ahead of you).  Now she probably feels like you are just there waiting so any positive step toward a solid relationship, brings more pressure--so it's momentarily-lived for both you.  You have to find some way on your end to take the pressure off.  Without it being due to a hot/cold thing OR for things to be one-sided.  

I think one way to do this is to somehow make it clear that you have one foot out the door in the nicest way possible.  Not saying, showing.  Add new friends to your life (or spend time with friends who have their sh*t together), work on career building stuff WITHOUT seeking approval from her before, during or after the fact, be less accessible.  Not for negative reasons or in retaliation but because you are REALLY doing these things.  It will elevate her in your eyes IMO.  Be cautious when she comes your way.  You have to treat your love and attention as something to be earn and as having market value for her to appreciate it more.  SHOW don't say.  It should balance the playing field more.

I think when you say "i would marry her tomorrow" it's coloring your interactive experience with her and you need to dial that back.  How can you want to marry her tomorrow when she is not showing you the basics: a committed relationship, progression, a label (which in this case is important if your mind is thinking this stuff)? I think some of the "maturity" she seeks might be resolved by less "lovesick puppy" and more man of the world vibe from you.  Not age (which you can't change).  When you see the person you love operate in the world, whether you SEE that in real time or in the loss of complete access or in the stories you bring back to her, she can experience your growth without it being about her or trying to prove anything to her (focus is off the relationship).  I would try that.  Good luck

Edited January 5, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Interstellar]

If you only did things right from the very beginning and not been so needy and insecure she’d be the one begging you for a commitment. This is over, you’re just wasting your time. You want to be option number 2?  Forget  her. Find other women and learn from your mistakes so you won’t keep repeating them.

Edited January 5, 2021 by Interstellar

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Well, if she's like me, she won't. My own 'getting to know' process is based on the understanding that there is mutual attraction and absolutely nobody else involved. But really, you need to have this chat with her, one on one.

I'm guessing that in your process, you don't describe to the guy the ways in which he falls short (e.g. "you don't make enough money" or "you're too immature"), right? And I'm guessing that if you saw the situation was hurting him, you'd let him go; you wouldn't guilt trip him to keep him hanging around, right?

 

2 hours ago, notbroken said:

Sorry, but this girl is walking all over you.   You should have NEVER taken her back.   As painful as it is, you need to get her out of your life completely ASAP.  Pull the band aid off.  Half in and half out is just too painful and she has blatantly said she isn't all in.   Hard next!

I agree.

 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Andzh said:

Any suggestions how to detach without telling her I am leaving etc?

Yes, but you'll probably think it cruel: Just block her everywhere without any prior warning. It'll hurt at first, but with time, you'll develop enough detachment to start to see her more objectively.

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, Acacia98 said:

I'm guessing that in your process, you don't describe to the guy the ways in which he falls short (e.g. "you don't make enough money" or "you're too immature"), right? And I'm guessing that if you saw the situation was hurting him, you'd let him go; you wouldn't guilt trip him to keep him hanging around, right?

I'm not the girl in the OP and I don't have that type of history at all so I'm not sure how relevant what I would do it.

In any case: right.

I don't care about any of the stuff you've listed there. I'm my own person, I am perfectly content single and would not be getting into a relationship just because. Incidentally, I don't want to be played either, or be pressured into something on somebody else's timeline. They as well as I can go at any point. It works both ways.

[Acacia98]

1 minute ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I'm not the girl in the OP and I don't have that type of history at all so I'm not sure how relevant what I would do it.

In any case: right.

I don't care about any of the stuff you've listed there. I'm my own person, I am perfectly content single and would not be getting into a relationship just because. Incidentally, I don't want to be played either, or be pressured into something on somebody else's timeline. They as well as I can go at any point. It works both ways.

That's precisely my point. You're not like OP's friend. Your process sounds very different from what she's doing to him. She's just using him. And I'm just trying to tell OP in an indirect way not to be hopeful/optimistic about this woman.

[Cookiesandough]

Committing would been not only cutting off all other options which I am sure she still s entertaining, but also it would also say something about her/ . A boyfriend or girlfriend is someone that represents you in a way. It’s an extension of you, someone you want to be proud of. For some reason, she is not willing to walk in the light with you. You are a secret. Not sure why, but I am sure she has her reasons.

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, Andzh said:

I see that. I even said to her: don’t you see that you are manipulating with me? And she doesnt see that. She says that she wants to do this step by step. 

No one can manipulate you unless YOU allow it.  Why did/do you allow it?   That's on you, not her.

Anyway, the way I see it, being that you are allowing her to manipulate you, she's lost respect.  For that reason she does not see you as boyfriend material, a man she can admire and look up to.

If you want to earn your place in her life as her boyfriend, and a man, wish her well and walk away from this "friendship."  Go no contact.  Leave her to it!

Then go live your live, start talking to, meeting and dating other women.   Keep this private, don't broadcast over social media, she will think you are trying to evoke jealousy.

Do it for you.  Keep moving forward without her.  If nothing else, you will have more respect for yourself and not allow women or anyone to manipulate you ever again.    Stay that course, and you'll be fine.  It's all a journey.

All the best.

Edited January 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[trident_2020]

She sees you as the "go to guy" for friends with benefits. That's all she'll ever see in you, if you were boyfriend material it would have happened.

You want scraps, then keep right on going.

But if you want a real relationship you'll need to look elsewhere.

 

[Pumaza]

Having sex just then wants to be serious diesnt work.If you wanted her ypu shoulda chase her and seal the deal soon as it was time to do so by ask if she wanna be your gf .before any sex.

She really want a mature guy.

But if you mature to sex but not to be with then she is using you just for sex.

Move on.block her. Or keep getting use.

[dramafreezone]

On 1/5/2021 at 3:31 AM, Andzh said:

Hello, everybody!

 

I have been seeing this girl for more than a year. We have this on again off again relationship. She has feelings for me and I have feelings for her, we kiss, have sex sometimes and are acting like a couple. First we did this thing for 7 months and she consistently reminded me that she just wanted to be friends even tough we did all the things I mentioned and were basically living together. Then she left me to be in a relationship with an older guy (38). I am 26, she is 27. He left her 3 months later and she returned.  She says that she could go for a relationship with me, but she can’t get over how I used to act “childish” and that she doesn’t see the “manly” side of me which she needs. She says that it is the only problem - I am not mature enough. What should I do. I tried to tell her that “it’s a relationship or I am leaving” and she kinda manipulated me to stay in this weird friendship. So I see that an ultimatum won’t work. Any other suggestions? I am alson not chasing her this time. I did that and ofc it didn’t work. The more I am cold and distant the mor she seems to want me. 

Why do you want to be in a relationship with her?  That's the question.  What's so good about her?

Best I can tell you're her security blanket when she doesn't have a BF.   She at least is attracted to you sexually, so you're the maintenance man.  Thing is you just take her back every time she comes calling, so why would this relationship turn into anything other than what it already is?  She's getting exactly what she wants, you are getting some of what you want, but she has the leverage.

You have two options, either accept this for what it is or cut her off completely.  Maybe the actual consequence to her actions will shock her into wanting to be with you long term.  Either way you'll have your answer.