Still love him, is it ever a good idea to rekindle? No bad blood

[blueeyes87]

Hi everyone,

My almost 5 year relationship ended in the summer (I am 24, he is 26). It was a very loving relationship and we really cared about each other, but ultimately both our mental health suffered for the last year and especially during lockdown. We both lost ourselves and got into a bit of a depressive slump. We were no longer having sex very often for the last 6 months/year or so and things just weren’t exciting anymore, even though we never really argued and got on very well. I was worried I was settling. After discussing this for a while I ended it and he agreed it was the right thing to do. The break up was horrific, we both cried a lot and hugged so much, it was evident we still really cared about each other and it was hard to cut off contact but we did eventually.

Since then, I’ve moved back home and took time to work on myself. I’ve had therapy for my anxiety (which has lasted years), taken up new hobbies, spent more time with friends and even been on some dates. I’m in a much better place mentally than I was and feel a lot happier in myself. However, I think I am still in love with my ex. Dates have been fun but, no matter how nice some guys have been, I’ve always thought that they’re just not him. I have had this niggling feeling that i may have made the wrong decision and I can’t shake it off. I feel like I’m still in love with him and get a horrible stomach feeling when I see his name. 
 

This really hit home yesterday when I was on a call with some friends and two of the girls were discussing their newly ex boyfriends. They were discussing all the red flags they missed out on and how hindsight was a great thing because their relationships were toxic. And genuinely I couldn’t relate to a single thing they said, I only had nice things to say about my ex. 

I also got in a massive tizz yesterday clearing out my room, I found some lovely old notes of encouragement that my ex had once written me and hidden around my room when I was really struggling at university. I ended up really, really crying and it made me think about a lot.

I’m starting to realise, with a clearer head, that he really really cared about me, he looked after me, always put me first and he really was my best friend. and that maybe things actually were much better than I thought at the time, and hindsight has made me realise what a star he actually was. I don’t feel lonely, I don’t feel like I need someone and I’m able to be happy on my own - but I feel like I took him for granted. 

I struggled with anxiety and low self esteem at uni and I think maybe I was always looking for reassurance and always looking for more. I think I magnified the issues of him being “not very exciting” or “not very romantic” when actually he really really was, or at least tried his best! Perhaps this dwindled in the last year or so of the relationship, because thinking about it, our first 4 years were incredible. 

However, mutual friends have told me that he was still struggling with the break up a month or so ago, even though he agreed it was the right thing at the time. I am therefore hesitant to upset him or disrupt his healing by making contact again. We have never been on bad terms and we are still friends on/follow each other on social media but we don’t like each other’s posts or anything. We have had the odd brief convo (I said happy bday, we said merry Christmas/ny and there’s been the odd “how are you/how are things” chat).

What would you guys do here? Thanks and I appreciate your input x

 

[blueeyes87]

Anyone? Is it a bad idea?

[Cookiesandough]

No. No. No. My first boyfriend was depressed too and the relationship sucked. I went back to him like six times because I kept thinking oh… It wasn’t that bad. He was just depressed. Things were just boring. But he wasn’t that bad. There are a lot of mental tricks at play when we leave our relationship. We are no longer in the bad spot. We have a tendency to remember the good more than the bad. And just because he isn’t a toxic mess, doesn’t mean that he is good for you. Just because he isn’t cheater or a narcissist or a serial killer doesn’t mean he is a good bf. Don’t look to the past. I don’t care how desperate you get. Or how isolated you feel because of the pandemic. Move forward and do not look back. Exes are exes for a reason

[trident_2020]

Sounds to me like you broke up for the wrong reasons.

 

[JohnP7]

There is no such thing as breaking up for the wrong reasons. Every breakup happens for  the right reason, otherwise it wouldn't happen.

You are remembering all the good times, which is normal. Getting back together will not suddenly change all those feelings that you had which made you break up in the first place. It would only be a matter of time until they resurfaced 

Never get back with an ex. They belong in the past, not the present or the future.

When you meet that person you stay with forever, there won't be any break ups.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, blueeyes87 said:

Anyone? Is it a bad idea?

Yes...bad idea.

 

ask yourself these questions...why did the relationship seem to fade before breakup? Why did you think you were settling?

 

you started dating while you were both young. You might grow apart in your early 20s.

 

you need to date people to get past this and really figure out what you want.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, JohnP7 said:

There is no such thing as breaking up for the wrong reasons. Every breakup happens for  the right reason, otherwise it wouldn't happen.

You are remembering all the good times, which is normal. Getting back together will not suddenly change all those feelings that you had which made you break up in the first place. It would only be a matter of time until they resurfaced 

Never get back with an ex. They belong in the past, not the present or the future.

When you meet that person you stay with forever, there won't be any break ups.

I agree mostly with you...but you can breakup with someone for the wrong reasons just like some early daters choose not yo date again after the first date for the wrong reasons.

 

she didn’t talk about why they broke up other than drifting apart and no sex.  
 

She may be conflating losing  the new car smell means you aren’t in love anymore.  
 

sometimes they are blaming problems on X but it really was Y and this Y coukd be fixed.

 

sometimes though you can have a very good relationship as a whole but they still end it for various reasons that aren’t based on fault of one person such as when you get serious you find big differences on important things like buying a house and where or having kids and raising them on a religion, or wanting different things in life, or you realize after living together for 6 months you aren’t a good match in lifestyle when dates were fun.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

It's ok to miss an ex and look upon that chapter with nostalgia. Break-ups don't have to be toxic like your friends break-ups.

You were together long enough to know it wasn't working out.

On/off relationships are not something to strive for. At best all the issues resurface and you set yourselves up for back-to-back headaches and heartaches.

Take your time to heal and continue your investment in yourself.

[Emilie Jolie]

I'd reach out and see how things go. 

[trident_2020]

14 hours ago, JohnP7 said:

There is no such thing as breaking up for the wrong reasons. Every breakup happens for  the right reason, otherwise it wouldn't happen.

 

That's just silly and plain wrong.

Someone might not be in a good place mentally and emotionally and pull out of a relationship that might otherwise be going quite well. They deal with their issues through meds and/or therapy and they're now ready to try again.

A person suffers a huge trauma, or loss, and or is grieving the loss of a loved one and cannot focus on their relationship partner and takes a break.

The two people live far away and a relationship is impractical, and then one of them is able to move by making whatever changes are necessary such as a job requirement.

A person is multi-dating and they make a choice and realize it's the wrong choice so they swing back around and contact their second choice and it turns out to be the right decision.

Those are just a few examples off the top of my head I'm sure there are many more.

[JackD]

7 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

That's just silly and plain wrong.

Someone might not be in a good place mentally and emotionally and pull out of a relationship that might otherwise be going quite well. They deal with their issues through meds and/or therapy and they're now ready to try again.

A person suffers a huge trauma, or loss, and or is grieving the loss of a loved one and cannot focus on their relationship partner and takes a break.

The two people live far away and a relationship is impractical, and then one of them is able to move by making whatever changes are necessary such as a job requirement.

A person is multi-dating and they make a choice and realize it's the wrong choice so they swing back around and contact their second choice and it turns out to be the right decision.

Those are just a few examples off the top of my head I'm sure there are many more.

I have to say I disagree with you and agree with JohnP.

If someone is not in a good place emotionally then they should have not got into a relationship in the first place. Ending it to take meds then trying again is just ridiculous. They are not ready to be in the relationship full stop.

Suffering a trauma or loss of a loved one should bring you closer to your partner in a relationship. If that's all it takes for someone to 'lose focus' and want to take a break then clearly they don't love their partner and should rightly end it.

If two people live far away then that makes 0 difference to whether the relationship should continue or not. If they want to make it work, they make it work. Breaking up until making changes is completely the wrong move. If they are not willing to put in the effort to find a way to make the relationship work then it's right to end things.

If you are multi dating and make a decision to drop one for the other, then it's because that's what your heart is telling you. Getting back with the 2nd choice is a bad move as it means they were never #1 in your heart, and won't be in the future, so it was right to end things.

Your examples are silly and plain wrong [edited to remove mischaracterisation of fellow poster].

Edited January 6, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove mischaracterisation of fellow poster

[trident_2020]

2 hours ago, JackD said:

If someone is not in a good place emotionally then they should have not got into a relationship in the first place. Ending it to take meds then trying again is just ridiculous. They are not ready to be in the relationship full stop.

Suffering a trauma or loss of a loved one should bring you closer to your partner in a relationship. If that's all it takes for someone to 'lose focus' and want to take a break then clearly they don't love their partner and should rightly end it.

If two people live far away then that makes 0 difference to whether the relationship should continue or not. If they want to make it work, they make it work. Breaking up until making changes is completely the wrong move. If they are not willing to put in the effort to find a way to make the relationship work then it's right to end things.

If you are multi dating and make a decision to drop one for the other, then it's because that's what your heart is telling you. Getting back with the 2nd choice is a bad move as it means they were never #1 in your heart, and won't be in the future, so it was right to end things.

Your examples are silly and plain wrong  [edited to remove mischaracterisation of fellow poster].

Please don't misquote me. I said if a person leaves a relationship because they're not in a good place mentally or emotionally, and does what is necessary to get to a better place via the use of meds and/or therapy they might be able to attempt the relationship again and could very well be successful. Not "ending it to try meds then trying again".

LDRs typically fail, and no it's not always possible to make it work when there are job and other commitments in a persons life. We don't live in a fantasy world where love conquers all.

Sometimes people make bad choices when dating, they realize their first choice wasn't a good match so they circle back, and number 2 goes the distance. All this about them being number 2 and never in the person's heart is also a bunch of BS. After a handful of dates nobody should be in anyone's heart unless they're made of stalker material and or quickly develop emotional attachments to people they hardly know.

[edited to remove redacted reference to quoted post]

Edited January 6, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
[edited to remove redacted reference to quoted post]

[Cookiesandough]

 She got help, but there is nothing that says that he got help. TBH there is a big likelihood she felt anxious and chitty in part because she was in a relationship with a depressed person who wasn’t fulfilling her relationship needs.  Maybe the same for him.  
It’s a dumpee s wet dream and I can see going down memory lane and thinking of the good times of a relationship because you aren’t in a new relationship that is going well. You haven’t met someone that piques your interest. Otherwise, you would not have a second thought about this hot mess ex. You are going down the path that has already been traveled And shown not to work. Why do  something in the past that has failed when you could move forward to better things. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[lovesflame]

On 1/5/2021 at 1:56 PM, blueeyes87 said:

 

What would you guys do here? Thanks and I appreciate your input x

 

Definetly give him another chance. Call him and be honest about how you feel.

What are you waiting on?

Love doesn't come knocking every day. he sounds sweet and you sound like you love him. 

What are you worried about? him rejecting you.

Be honest, vulnerable and open tell him the things you wrote in this post.

Seriously, I get you were in a bad mental place- it happened to so many people this last year, but since you've had mental illness you and I both know that it comes in waves and goes away.

Please, call him and be honest you have one life to live. 

[blueeyes87]

Hi everyone

I decided to give it a bit more time and I think I’m going to make contact. I’ve realised so much including the fact that I used him as a support system throughout our whole relationship and I am in a much better place than I was back then. I think of him everyday, daydream about just going to his and declaring my love for him hahah, I just get an immense sense of feeling at home when I think of him. 
 

I’m thinking of maybe sending him a letter, explaining that I have had a lot of time and have realised an awful lot over the last 6 months. I think I’ll do this rather than text, so that he doesn’t feel pressure to reply if he’s not interested. 
 

Is this a terrible idea?

[Hpchic]

7 hours ago, blueeyes87 said:

Hi everyone

I decided to give it a bit more time and I think I’m going to make contact. I’ve realised so much including the fact that I used him as a support system throughout our whole relationship and I am in a much better place than I was back then. I think of him everyday, daydream about just going to his and declaring my love for him hahah, I just get an immense sense of feeling at home when I think of him. 
 

I’m thinking of maybe sending him a letter, explaining that I have had a lot of time and have realised an awful lot over the last 6 months. I think I’ll do this rather than text, so that he doesn’t feel pressure to reply if he’s not interested. 
 

Is this a terrible idea?

No it’s not a terrible idea.  If you feel you want to give this another shot then you owe it to yourself to at least try.  Just be prepared for the possibility of a “thanks but no thanks”.  My ex reached out to me via text then phone call to try and get back together, we lasted a week and a half,  but we’re just on different paths in life so unfortunately it didn’t work out.
 

As for contact, you can email him your letter.  From the way you described him sounds like you’ll get a reply whether or not he’s interested.  

[d0nnivain]

You got healthier & are now in a better place.  There is no indication that he is better. He may even be worse. 

You weren't having sex before you moved home.  Now that you have moved & presumably are farther away from each other how is this going to work now?  The world is still in lockdown.  There still won't be any excitement. 

Crying at the end is not a sign that you should stay together.  It's an ending. You didn't get to happily ever after. 

If you reach out & he says no thanks, what will that do to you?  

If you reach out & he jumps at the chance to get back together but you soon realize that despite all your personal improvements, this relationship still doesn't work for you, what will a 2nd break up do to him?  

I just don't see the wisdom of trying again simply because you are lonely, realized that your EX wasn't a monster & no new guy has yet floated your boat.  Look you were with him since age 19.  He's practically all you know.  Getting fully over him will take more time than you have given it.  Some nostalgia is not a good reason to get back together. You both haven't address the things that were wrong.  

[robaday]

It really depends on how his mental health is...if he is still recovering and still hurt reaching out now won't help you two getting back together. Five years is an awful long time - not sure where you are based, but if it's summer European time you are referring to, it hasnt really been that long to heal from a relationship of that length. 

"I used him as a support system" - the roles were reversed in my last breakup. I was her support system and put my own needs aside. But I eventually had to end it because she pushed me away a great deal. And it was my mental health that really suffered after the break up. She is doing well and out dating. Don't know your ex, but sounds like that's what he is going through. I ended it because I had nothing left to give. She has repeatedly tried to get back together and due to my own mental health issues I have firmly said no (and the fact I don't trust her anymore).