New relationship, bf' being distant after a holiday together

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, JackD said:

Male view here.

It was all fun and exciting, meeting someone new he connected with, jumping on a plane, road trip, new sex, enjoying the moment etc.

Now reality has hit - if this continues, single life sacrifices will have to be made, new girlfriend responsibilities will have to be made. No more doing whatever he wants, no more meeting someone new, jumping on a plane to see them, no more new sex etc.

He's now thinking over if it is worth it. If YOU are worth it. Is this a good sign? Definitely not. If he was 100% in there would be no hesitation.

What is the best thing you do now? As mentioned by others, as little as possible. Step back. Let him figure it out. If it's not meant to be, he's not the one for you and one day you will meet someone who will appreciate a good thing without putting the breaks on.

There is definitely truth to this!   It's called ambivalence.  It's especially true for men who have been single and playing the field for awhile.

It can go either way.  The key is to LEAVE HIM ALONE.    I cannot stress this enough.

Good luck and let us know!

Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

No. I really doubt that is what he is doing( wanting you to chase).and I think he is having this assessment independent of how much you reach out to him during this time. But obviously, reaching out less is better than more if that’s the case. Hope it works out for you guys 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, dmf said:

I hope he’s not pulling back to see if I’ll chase for a while because I won’t

Hmmm, I don't think so unless he reads or has friends who read those PUA sites 

Try to stay positive, keep posting here if it makes you feel better.

Uncertainty can be a bytch.  Like I said, I've learned to embrace it but it wasn't always this way, I used to be ball of anxiety!

To my credit I still left my boyfriends alone though.  Let him work through whatever he's dealing with.

Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

I am a guy who loves time alone. I definitely need time to recharge. But taking early time to recharge, that feeling of withdrawal you felt on the last day of the trip, uh no, the only time that would wear me out is if .... as earlier posters said, I was ambivalent about getting more serious with you. or my life away from you was a mess. 

I say trust those subtle signals, the change in energy you felt on the last day of the trip and in his distance since then. Those signals are really among the most important "metrics" to pay attention to early on in dating someone. That physiological feeling that someone has withdrawn from us without explanation, a feeling that is subtle enough that we really want to ignore it and then it pops again and we decide to minimize it, we work to minimize it--trust that feeling!!!! It's almost always right.  Four days is not all that much time to wear out someone. BTW: I assume he really likes you and those dates weren't insincere. Rather, the excitement of meeting you helped him generate some extra energy that disguised his feeling of being overwhelmed with his life. Relationships really expose exactly how we are emotionally living in the world. 

My bet would be that he'll remain distant, secretly just hoping the relationship dies without him having to talk to you in any kind of courageous, responsible way. Or he'll talk to you and throw out some vague reason (the kids, business) that he doesn't want to date seriously right now. Of course, all along he had kids, all along he had his business. So those will be lame reasons. Just know: you did nothing wrong. This happens. We really barely know people at the start. Lots of folks can generate adrenaline and energy at the start of relationships. They can tap into their best selves, their most interesting selves at the start. Lord knows, I was fantastic at faking things at the start of relationships. And maybe with your guy things progressed to a point where he knows the next step with you is some real intimacy and connection, and he's really not ready for this. He could feel this way AND realize that time with you was a blast.

BTW: a partner can take two minutes and be warm and engaged and friendly AND say they need some time alone. Those two are not mutually exclusive. The fact that he couldn't be warm to you on the phone call since then tells me that he's probably not ready for a relationship. We live in 24-hour communication these days. Surely, we all have practice at sending reasonable notes to folks when we're tired and cranky. That he couldn't muster that energy to stay emotionally in tune with you after the wonderful trip, tells me this guy ain't ready for anything serious.  Really he stranded you (emotionally) after the trip. You're out there feeling good. He goes quiet. That is not minor. You're wondering how in the world things so quickly shifted.

So yes, stay away. Do your thing. Engage in activities you really love. Take good care of yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This happens in romance. If he wants you, let him step to you and let him convince and woo you. If he reaches out, don't come immediately running back. He knows he withdrew and trust me you gotta hold guys like this accountable. Make him speak about what was going on.  Don't go further until you are satisfied that he has some real insight into himself and you are confident this behavior won't be repeated. Let's say he reaches out and you avoid saying anything about his distance, that just convinces him he can withdraw on you later again.  And you'll feel insecure in every moment with him.

 

[Miss Spider]

I agree with the above and yea this is different than a person needing space, but I would add that since you are in an exclusive relationship, give yourself a time frame. How long to wait for them to warm up again fully until you decide to expand your options, because frankly what I see a lot happened in this case is the slow fade. I’ve read the story a lot on here. And by slow fade I mean very, very slow. They don’t come right out and end it( though that does happen a lot too and is probably for the best), but instead they just keep one foot in the door because they haven’t made up their mind...  so you see them pull away but not fully ( I guess you could call it push pull) and for a long period of time. You’ll notice this but it will be so such that you feel like you are  just being crazy and just give them “space”. And since you are the more interested person this is just a bad news for you. so you probably should make up their mind for them at some point...and make room for someone who is sure about you and knows they have a catch.At least I’m happy to see when people do that. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, dmf said:

 . I chalked it up to him missing his kids (he was picking them up the night he got back), and being a bit stressed about a COVID outbreak that might affect his business. 

Sorry to hear that. How long were you dating?

It sounds like you both had a carefree fun adventure.

But now he's back to his own reality. Co-parenting, custody and visitation, child support, ongoing communication and possibly strife or missing his ex and family.

Let him reach out to you. Don't take it personally. The holidays are tougher for people with difficult family and financial situations.

It seems you represented fun and freedom for him only for him to have to crash-land back into his real life.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long have you actually been dating?

[Maldives]

A good book is men are from Mars and woman are from Venus. We men are like rubber bands and need to go into our cave then we reemerge we need our alone time man time haha. Think it's that but could be wrong. Give him space see if he comes round

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, dmf said:

 I’m going to head away again hiking tomorrow so I’ll just focus on that, maybe send him a photo of the view  
 

Fantastic!  Go hiking.  Have fun.  Show him a picture of you having a life without him & I bet he'll be back.  If you chase or demand to talk to him about this he will run.  I would.  After all that intense time together he needs to regroup, that is all.  It's not about you.  It's about sleep, laundry, work, groceries, spending time with friends & a bit about not wanting to be locked in 24/7/365 just yet.  Let him breathe. 

[FMW]

Lots of good advice here already.  My opinion is that the main thing you should do is - nothing.  Wait for him to reach out to you.  Don't initiate contact for any reason.  Once he's reached out you can then decide if you want to send him pictures of your camping trip or the house site plan you had discussed.  He knows how to get in touch with you, he doesn't need reminders that you are around.  

It's possible the concentrated time together freaked him out, and if it's fairly early in your relationship I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that he needs a little space.  I'm a woman and 4 days of constant togetherness would make me need some space and time to myself, without feeling I had to do regular check ins with them.  That wouldn't mean I didn't want to continue seeing them, just that I need time to do my own thing.

I've read many times that while women generally fall in love during the time they spend together with a guy, guys fall in love during the time apart.  They need the space to be able to miss you and recognize their feelings.  I think I'm more like a guy in that way, because I can relate to that.  

Time will tell whether he will continue withdrawing from you or if he'll come back re-energized and interested in moving things forward.  Either way, give him space to make that clear.  Don't initiate further contact of any kind unless/until he does, and then follow his lead.  Don't give more time and energy to him than he gives to you.   

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, FMW said:

Lots of good advice here already.  My opinion is that the main thing you should do is - nothing.  Wait for him to reach out to you.  Don't initiate contact for any reason.  Once he's reached out you can then decide if you want to send him pictures of your camping trip or the house site plan you had discussed.  He knows how to get in touch with you, he doesn't need reminders that you are around.  

It's possible the concentrated time together freaked him out, and if it's fairly early in your relationship I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that he needs a little space.  I'm a woman and 4 days of constant togetherness would make me need some space and time to myself, without feeling I had to do regular check ins with them.  That wouldn't mean I didn't want to continue seeing them, just that I need time to do my own thing.

I've read many times that while women generally fall in love during the time they spend together with a guy, guys fall in love during the time apart.  They need the space to be able to miss you and recognize their feelings.  I think I'm more like a guy in that way, because I can relate to that.  

Time will tell whether he will continue withdrawing from you or if he'll come back re-energized and interested in moving things forward.  Either way, give him space to make that clear.  Don't initiate further contact of any kind unless/until he does, and then follow his lead.  Don't give more time and energy to him than he gives to you.   

We think alike FMW, spot on.  And I've read the same thing about how some men fall in love and it's been true in my life as well.

Even when IN a serious relationship, I find a bit of lone time and distance works wonders to keep it alive and exciting.  Allowing both people to miss each other!  

Have you read Esther Perel's works?  She espouses same and I have learned a lot from her videos.  

Maybe it's too soon to know for sure what's happening in the OP's situation, but OP best to think positively so you're not a total bytch when/if he returns to old self. 

Do NOT punish by being cold or making him "work" harder.  I don't agree with whoever posted that at all.  

Please update us! 

 

Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

I have to ask....

-how long have you been dating (which you haven't answered from anyone)

-on this trip was this the first time you two were having sex?.

-And what were the horrendous experiences with men?

-what business is he in? does he travel for his business?

You leave us with not much to go on...your post is about how wonderful you get along with lots of passion, etc, but that isn't the info we need to figure this out for you.

 

Edited January 6, 2021 by smackie9

[Annonymous1234]

Having read back on your previous thread - is this current thread about the guy you have been dating for around three weeks? (Since mid-December)

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I have to ask....

-how long have you been dating (which you haven't answered from anyone)

On December 7, OP posted about a guy who ghosted her after a supposedly great date,  Based on her posts there, she can't have met this current guy any earlier than, say, December 10-11. So this r/s is very, very new.  Maybe too new to withstand the weight of a 4-day whirlwind romance. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by introverted1

[JRabbit]

DBM

Edited January 6, 2021 by JRabbit

[dmf]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I have to ask....

-how long have you been dating (which you haven't answered from anyone)

-on this trip was this the first time you two were having sex?.

-And what were the horrendous experiences with men?

-what business is he in? does he travel for his business?

You leave us with not much to go on...your post is about how wonderful you get along with lots of passion, etc, but that isn't the info we need to figure this out for you.

 

We’ve been dating a month so yes I do realise it’s very very new but I tend to go off of the amount of investment rather than the amount of lapsed time - I’ve dated someone for 6 months and had considerably less investment than I’ve had from this man. As I said, he’s called every night since we met (until now), met members of each other’s families, and have labelled the relationship as official. There’s been a lot of discussion of future plans which (again, until now) he’s always followed through on. Our dates have often been overnight and into the next day with a good balance of getting to know each other on many levels, getting out and doing things/adventures (we are both really active go-getter types), physical intimacy. No this trip was not the first time we’ve had sex. He also said sex had never been like this with anyone else for him and that it was due to comfort and connection with me  
 

and for further context on him: his marriage ended years ago, she cheated but they’re on good terms now and she is about to have another baby with the current partner. He was in another 2.5 year relationship since which was ended by him 6 months or so ago. He owns a business in his town and is involved in some community organisations - no he doesn’t travel for work and is at home with the kids all week. I’ve got no issue just chilling and being out of touch a bit while he has the kids, it’s just that previously when he’s had them hes sent photos and little texts about what they’re up to. 

[JRabbit]

11 minutes ago, dmf said:

There’s been a lot of discussion of future plans which (again, until now) he’s always followed through on. Our dates have often been overnight and into the next day with a good balance of getting to know each other on many levels, getting out and doing things/adventures (we are both really active go-getter types), physical intimacy

These are red flags for only dating someone a month. It is too much, too soon, and now you see the burn out/results from that type of courtship.

6 months out of a 2.5 year relationship and thats after him leaving a marriage. Sounds like he need to take some time to be single.

[dmf]

3 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

These are red flags for only dating someone a month. It is too much, too soon, and now you see the burn out/results from that type of courtship.

6 months out of a 2.5 year relationship and thats after him leaving a marriage. Sounds like he need to take some time to be single.

I did say when we met and I found all this out, that if he wanted to take the time to date around a bit longer/be single then we could put this on ice for a while. I said I obviously wouldn’t wait around but that I would think he needs time to do his own thing and we can keep in touch and see if we want to reconnect further down the track if im still single. He didn’t feel like he had to be single and didn’t want to not pursue such a strong connection.

[Lorenza]

Too much too fast. He choked. It's rarely a good sign if someone moves so fast - in a very short time your relationship has gone through the stages that should have taken several months to go through. I'd say - there are no shortcuts to real intimacy and long lasting feelings. You need to grow into that slowly, gradually. If you want to dive head first into something, it's usually better to do the exact opposite - step on the breaks, keep the dating profile, go on other dates, do not bombard each other with calls. People want jump into things too fast nowadays, thirsting for instant gratification and novelty. I'm not saying that no relationshiop can start that way, or that yours, OP, feelings aren't real, but your guy seems to be getting cold feet and it's not a good sign that he makes you wonder. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Lorenza

[Miss Spider]

37 minutes ago, dmf said:

I did say when we met and I found all this out, that if he wanted to take the time to date around a bit longer/be single then we could put this on ice for a while. I said I obviously wouldn’t wait around but that I would think he needs time to do his own thing and we can keep in touch and see if we want to reconnect further down the track if im still single. He didn’t feel like he had to be single and didn’t want to not pursue such a strong connection.

You can’t really take his word for it. I’m sorry but people don’t know what they want all the time. They take their initial feelings of excitement and infatuation and run with it, and when they lose some interest later on, that’s when they start asking questions. I’ve been there and I’m sure you have too. Trying to reason with them or giving them  an “out“ is not going to do much if they are hell-bent on destruction. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[dmf]

28 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

Too much too fast. He choked. It's rarely a good sign if someone moves so fast - in a very short time your relationship has gone through the stages that should have taken several months to go through. I'd say - there are no shortcuts to real intimacy and long lasting feelings. You need to grow into that slowly, gradually. If you want to dive head first into something, it's usually better to do the exact opposite - step on the breaks, keep the dating profile, go on other dates, do not bombard each other with calls. People want jump into things too fast nowadays, thirsting for instant gratification and novelty. I'm not saying that no relationshiop can start that way, or that yours, OP, feelings aren't real, but your guy seems to be getting cold feet and it's not a good sign that he makes you wonder. 

Thank you, while I don’t necessarily disagree that we moved too fast, it’s difficult to regret it when we moved at a pace that felt right/comfortable for us - there was no pressure from either side to do so. I guess it’s doubly difficult for me because my mum met her partner of 15 years in a similar fashion: via an online dating site (pre-apps!) and they both deleted their profiles the first day and have been happy ever since. I know it’s probably the exception but it’s hard not to have faith that it is possible when that’s your example. 

regardless, whether or not we moved too fast, that can’t really be changed now and this is the situation I’m in so I’m just trying to understand how best to handle it and hopefully get things back on track. If it’s over then it’s over, but I’d still like to give myself the best chance of not throwing something away that has been absolutely magical until now. 
 

[Miss Spider]

I think you are absolutely correct that there are plenty of instances were moving fast works fine for people. However, him pulling away now is a sign that he is not one of them. At least in this situation. You can’t really say how he is feeling, only look at the signs. What he says or how he acts in the moment are only some of them. It’s not just you, I see this language used a lot by others here. “We felt”,  “we kissed passionately” , “our connection” etc. 
 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[dmf]

8 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

You can’t really take his word for it. I’m sorry but people don’t know what they want all the time. They take their initial feelings of excitement and infatuation and run with it, and when they lose some interest later on, that’s when they start asking questions. I’ve been there and I’m sure you have too. Trying to reason with them or giving them  an “out“ is not going to do much if they are hell-bent on destruction. 

Yeah I understand. I guess I just thought there was a chance of it working since every single one of his words matched up to his actions and how much he was investing - where as previously with anyone who isn’t ready to be in a relationship they’ve always had a lot to say but not much to back it up. ie “let’s just see where it goes”  

I’ve let him initiate the next step the entire way so it’s really frustrating to me that someone would move at a pace they shouldn’t be moving at - it would be different if I’d been pushing for more but I genuinely haven’t 

[JRabbit]

10 minutes ago, dmf said:

it’s difficult to regret it when we moved at a pace that felt right/comfortable for us - there was no pressure from either side to do so. I guess it’s doubly difficult for me because my mum met her partner of 15 years in a similar fashion: via an online dating site (pre-apps!) and they both deleted their profiles the first day and have been happy ever since. I know it’s probably the exception but it’s hard not to have faith that it is possible when that’s your example

Yes that is the exception, not the norm.  Of course there is no pressure, when you are all in the intensity of a new attachment period, it clouds everything.  That is why it is a red flag to move so fast. You can not possibly know enough about the person in that time, even spending 24/7 together, to feel that strongly.  Those feelings need to be settled to evaluate what is really present and not just a result of a new love interest.

[Miss Spider]

7 minutes ago, dmf said:

Yeah I understand. I guess I just thought there was a chance of it working since every single one of his words matched up to his actions and how much he was investing - where as previously with anyone who isn’t ready to be in a relationship they’ve always had a lot to say but not much to back it up. ie “let’s just see where it goes”  

I’ve let him initiate the next step the entire way so it’s really frustrating to me that someone would move at a pace they shouldn’t be moving at - it would be different if I’d been pushing for more but I genuinely haven’t 

Oh I agree with you. Please let me be clear. I don’t think that you did much wrong in this case. Just that now he is having a second thoughts, it sucks, but it is not exactly unexpected. People can feel all sorts of ways within a month.... and even on. I think you knew this and thought it was going a little fast, since you even told him that stuff.  It still sucks, but a lot can change in a month. Again, hopefully he will come back around and it will just be one blip in your relationship.  Either way,  stay chill and do not stress about this too much. That won’t help anything. You cannot control it anyway.

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes