Men 'mistaking' kindness for romantic interests

[QuietRiot]

There's this woman on Twitter that I follow via my geek channels, and apparently, she always has an axe to grind with men. Lately, she posted 

"I get really sad when people confuse my kindness for romantic interest because basically they’re telling me they’re only kind to those they want something from."

I don't get how this is a problem with her, I've asked out women that were kind to me out on dates, in fact, that was one of the qualities I look for in a woman. To call it a "mistake" is not really the right word for it, is it? Perhaps there's not enough context here?

[central]

Some kind women may be interested in you, but most kind women are not.  The assumption that any woman who acts kindly towards you is expressing romantic interest is the issue - most are not interested.

I've observed this in how some men react to such kindness inappropriately.  They are so used to women being defensive (because they are hit upon so much) that they see anything else - such as kind behavior - as romantic interest.  My wife stopped being kind to male strangers because it usually resulted in her being hit upon/propositioned, when her intent was anything but such interest!

[alphamale]

Her repeated eye contact and smiles usually tell him what’s to come. Women choose their man, not the other way around.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, QuietRiot said:

There's this woman on Twitter that I follow via my geek channels, and apparently, she always has an axe to grind with men. Lately, she posted 

"I get really sad when people confuse my kindness for romantic interest because basically they’re telling me they’re only kind to those they want something from."

I don't get how this is a problem with her, I've asked out women that were kind to me out on dates, in fact, that was one of the qualities I look for in a woman. To call it a "mistake" is not really the right word for it, is it? Perhaps there's not enough context here?

She's referring to men who think that kindness (or being friendly) must equal that she has romantic interest in him.   He doesn't understand that she can be kind for the sake of being kind and it's not about wanting to have him as a boyfriend.

If you view her kindness as being part of who she is as a person and not about you specifically, then it's all good.

Edited January 6, 2021 by basil67

[Emilie Jolie]

5 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Perhaps there's not enough context here?

Yes, more context is needed. Maybe she got taken advantage of in the past or she can't get a good read of people's intentions in general or she's a bit unsure of her own value?

Either way, it's a nice problem to have - people are attracted to her character rather than some shallow attribute.

I'd personally take kindness over most everything.

 

 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Emilie Jolie

[QuietRiot]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Yes, more context is needed. Maybe she got taken advantage of in the past or she can't get a good read of people's intentions in general or she's a bit unsure of her own value?

Either way, it's a nice problem to have - people are attracted to her character rather than some shallow attribute.

I'd personally take kindness over most everything.

 

 

Yeah, I'm like "Okay, I guess your kindness shouldn't be a qualifier for me to ask you out?"    lol

[Ellener]

7 hours ago, central said:

My wife stopped being kind to male strangers because it usually resulted in her being hit upon/propositioned, when her intent was anything but such interest!

And it depends what 'being hit upon/propositioned' equals: I would be flattered and unflustered by a man politely asking if I am free for coffee, not so impressed to be inappropriately sexually propositioned by a stranger!

[QuietRiot]

7 minutes ago, Ellener said:

And it depends what 'being hit upon/propositioned' equals: I would be flattered and unflustered by a man politely asking if I am free for coffee, not so impressed to be inappropriately sexually propositioned by a stranger!

There was some documentary out there, where a lesbian posed as a straight man trying to approach women in a public setting in order to understand what hetero sexual single men go through when trying to find someone.  They had hidden cameras and she approached a woman in a coffee shop, very polite, very friendly, nothing cheesy or rude....and it was like the woman was "Ugh...why can't I go anywhere without being hit on!!"

To some women, yes even single..available...women, they hate being approached in public. Maybe it's because it happens them to all the time, or maybe they aren't really looking, as there are some women that aren't wanting a partner.

Depending on where a woman is and what she's doing, even if she is open to finding someone, if it's at the wrong place at the wrong time, a location not conducive to being approached (ie a grocery store or book store), then she'll despise the attempt.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

 

"I get really sad when people confuse my kindness for romantic interest because basically they’re telling me they’re only kind to those they want something from."

She seems a bit full of herself. Not only is she so amazingly altruistic, but every guy is after her because in addition, she's so amazingly desirable. 🤢

Can you delete/unfollow her?

[Emilie Jolie]

36 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

Depending on where a woman is and what she's doing, even if she is open to finding someone, if it's at the wrong place at the wrong time, a location not conducive to being approached (ie a grocery store or book store), then she'll despise the attempt.

It's academic at the moment because of lockdowns etc but I think there are cultural differences at play, and it also depends on the approaching.

There are some European countries where approaching in person is a way of life, almost like a rite of passage for men. It's harmless and fun, there are no expectations and generally people know their limits.

In countries where it's not really the norm, it's just strange.

It also depends on age - much more flattering to be approached in person in your 40s than in your 20s.

It doesn't quite relate to the OP though, sorry, as I'm not sure how you can spot 'kindness' when approaching.

[Ellener]

59 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

To some women, yes even single..available...women, they hate being approached in public.

Well sometimes it's inappropriate isn't it, if someone is preoccupied or working. Not everyone likes a lot of attention drawn to them either.

I'm not sure what your point is? If a man is interested and I'm not I would still be kind/polite unless he was aggressive or persistent after I said no thanks. One woman being rude on a documentary doesn't mean all women would be.

 

[deepthinking]

Happened  to me just yesterday, saw a Dad with his daughter {no leggings or hat on} queuing in the cold for the supermarket and offered that the chid  go first.  So in they went and when it was my turn to go in saw the Dad look at me horrified, I  am no oil-painting at my age {lol} so I think he misunderstood me; I was just being nice to a child.

Edited January 6, 2021 by deepthinking

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, QuietRiot said:

There was some documentary out there, where a lesbian posed as a straight man trying to approach women in a public setting in order to understand what hetero sexual single men go through when trying to find someone.  They had hidden cameras and she approached a woman in a coffee shop, very polite, very friendly, nothing cheesy or rude....and it was like the woman was "Ugh...why can't I go anywhere without being hit on!!"

As successful I guess as a gay guy posing as a straight woman trying to approach men in public...
Minus I guess the foul language and the beating up...
Women are not stupid, they are going to suss out something is weird about the "guy" in one second and once the creepometer alarm goes off it is all over. Not sure what this proves? Apart from this women does not like being approached by a lesbian pretending to be a man in a coffee shop...

[ZA Dater]

I think this is a BIG problem, especially for people who struggle at dating. Kindness is very easy to mistake as interest, especially if the person is not used to getting any attention, social or otherwise from people they might find attractive.

In fact I will go as far as to say this is the biggest problem people who are bad at dating face, they cannot actually ascertain what actually constitutes interest and what is in fact kindness.  Which should make one think....surely to date one needs to be kind?

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

 from people they might find attractive.

This is the key. If this same kindness came from someone unattractive, it would not be misinterpreted as interest.

Therefore this is an excellent point that it's more about wishful thinking than whether or not an act of kindness indicates flirting.

[Emilie Jolie]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the key. If this same kindness came from someone unattractive, it would not be misinterpreted as interest.

Therefore this is an excellent point that it's more about wishful thinking than whether or not an act of kindness indicates flirting.

You can appreciate someone's character without wanting to date them, no?

If a guy, even one I find attractive and it's not reciprocated, tells me he thinks I'm kind, I can take the compliment and leave it there. A compliment is a compliment.

I think maybe some men could misinterpret simply acknowledging a well meant compliment as a sign of interest from the woman. 

My best friend of over 20 years (a guy) has just sent me the loveliest HNY message, as he has been doing the last 20 years. We've never dated, I was never interested in anything more than his friendship and he the same.

Being nice to people doesn't mean you are expecting or making a marriage proposal and it literally costs nothing.

Not all social interactions between men and women are predicated by attraction / interest.

Edited January 6, 2021 by Emilie Jolie

[hotpotato]

I agree with her. Being nice to random men is a great way to get a few stalkers.

[Emilie Jolie]

3 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I agree with her. Being nice to random men is a great way to get a few stalkers.

True, that too.

[Gaeta]

I was always kind to our office parking attendant. I smile, I make eye contact, I ask how's their day etc. Soon he was following me in the underground parking to profess his love to me. I politely said I was sorry he perceived my kindness as romantic interest. I had to hide from him for about a year until his interest in me faded. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the key. If this same kindness came from someone unattractive, it would not be misinterpreted as interest.

Therefore this is an excellent point that it's more about wishful thinking than whether or not an act of kindness indicates flirting.

The problem is twofold, if guys are friendly in the hope of dating that never works and women do not really seem to fall into the same trap as men when it comes to the interpretation of kindness. Again its so much about perception and having the ability to read a situation and then know how to handle it.

Add to the fact some people cannot tell when someone is flirting.

[Saracena]

12 hours ago, central said:

Some kind women may be interested in you, but most kind women are not.  The assumption that any woman who acts kindly towards you is expressing romantic interest is the issue - most are not interested.

I've observed this in how some men react to such kindness inappropriately.  They are so used to women being defensive (because they are hit upon so much) that they see anything else - such as kind behavior - as romantic interest.  My wife stopped being kind to male strangers because it usually resulted in her being hit upon/propositioned, when her intent was anything but such interest!

This post resonated with me so much! It has very much been my experience in the past when I moved from a relatively  'friendly' country to a more reserved one. Another friend found the same. Any acts of kindness were frequently misinterpreted as interest-even resulting from simple acts such as enquiring about someone's ill relative in hospital or offering to help them with something! At one point someone even remarked (about my friend) they found it so unusual for a complete stranger to take such an (human) interest in others!! Something I would have taken for granted before this.

Took me a while to realise I had to 'adapt' my behaviour in certain instances. I found the whole experience so strange at first.

[Lotsgoingon]

Some people simply have fabulous smiles, and when a guy gets a smile and a witty, funny exchange going with the person, he is so stunned that he assumes it's more than it is. 

I've had the same problem with just people wanting to be friends. I meet someone, relax and talk (I love learning about people so it's nothing for me to ask someone about themselves), and next thing I know someone says they want to hang out. I was just being polite with the person. I don't dislike them. But I'm not interested in being friends. 

I think as I got older, I retrained myself to notice more quickly if someone was a bit too touched by time with me. 

OP, you apparently have a great gift of a smile in quick day-to-day interactions. You have some kind of instant charm and charisma. You might also have a voice that a lot of guys like and a face that is appealing. All of that truly is a gift. And in our rough-and-tumble world, that energy you exude probably stands out. So I can agree with your worry--that people take kindness for interest--but I see this as more innocent. The fact that people misinterpret you is just as much a commentary on how charismatic you are, a commentary on how cold so distant so many day-to-day interactions are. 

I work with young people and one young woman I worked with (about 20) had the most ebullient personality I think I've ever met. So much so that even when she talks about a painful experience, she speaks with command, confidence and charisma.  At some point, I told her, look, you have a gift, you've got a magnetic personality. No need to be modest or ashamed about this gift, I said. But you do need to be aware of that gift because every gift comes with a curse, a downside. And the downside she was going to face was people wanting to be close to her for friendship and romance. I told her she needs to get really comfortable saying no or else she'll get pulled into other people's lives more than she wants.

She told me she had already learned that lesson. Basically you have a superpower, OP! Go ahead and own that power (modest here is foolish and destructive) and you'll probably handle these situations with more perspective. 

[FMW]

45 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I think as I got older, I retrained myself to notice more quickly if someone was a bit too touched by time with me. 

Exactly.  If you pay attention to how someone is responding to you, you know when to back off of the smile and attention and effectively close the door in a nice way.  Most people aren't going to pursue after that.  Sure, there will always be a few that aren't deterred as @Gaeta experienced, but I think the woman whose tweets inspired this thread is probably just a little too up her own bum.  

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I agree with her. Being nice to random men is a great way to get a few stalkers.

I'm always nice to most people and don't get stalkers! I don't think everyone spends all their time looking for random sex, some people just enjoy conversations.

 

[Shining One]

Lots of people mistake kindness for romantic interest. I've had quite a few women automatically assume I was hitting on them when I was just offering help (reaching something from a high shelf, putting something heavy in their car, etc).