Men 'mistaking' kindness for romantic interests

[chillii]

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

Does he think they won't notice?! It's one of the first things I pick up on- manners and how do you treat service people and passers by....

Nooooo, most likely he got unwanted attention if he did , that's what use to happen to me all the time, wasn't worth the trouble l wised up.   Besides , women pride themselves on being independent these days anyway too well , that goes right through so they can go for their lives then as far as most guys are concerned great , no skin of our nose and no need to bother with damsels haha , which is probably where the other part of chivalry's gone.

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, chillii said:

no skin of our nose and no need to bother with damsels haha , which is probably where the other part of chivalry's gone.

I see that 🤣

There's certainly some confusion communicating attraction and asking people out. Not to mention the 'confusion' when it's only a proposal for sex, nothing like a relationship! 

With all our sexual freedoms we've lost something subtle it would seem, wonder what it is?

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

we've lost something subtle it would seem, wonder what it is?

Privacy, and the simple art of communicating without analogies or trying to decypher signs that might or might not be there, and without the whole world seemingly being in your business and speaking for you. That's emotionally exhausting and confusing. Even a kind person would snap at this, never mind someone who prefers simple, direct communication. Maybe that's what the lady in the OP means: stop (mis)interpreting my intentions or seeing the worst in everything I do. 

OP, if you think she's kind and you're both interested, then it's all good, right?

[Wiseman2]

Whenever the clerks at the stores are nice to me, I don't assume they have the hots for me.😕

[QuietRiot]

20 hours ago, Saracena said:

This post resonated with me so much! It has very much been my experience in the past when I moved from a relatively  'friendly' country to a more reserved one. Another friend found the same. Any acts of kindness were frequently misinterpreted as interest-even resulting from simple acts such as enquiring about someone's ill relative in hospital or offering to help them with something! At one point someone even remarked (about my friend) they found it so unusual for a complete stranger to take such an (human) interest in others!! Something I would have taken for granted before this.

Took me a while to realise I had to 'adapt' my behaviour in certain instances. I found the whole experience so strange at first.

Very good point, a change of culture/environment where everyone is friendly with everyone, to a place where people are pretty much shut off from one another,  that if someone gets involved in asking about their lives...it's seen as an indicator of interests. Yeah, I can see that happening. 

There'd be places you can just say Hello and smile at a stranger in the line at a grocery store, should your eyes ever meet.  Now, if I do this, I get averted eyes and no "hello" back.

I don't know if it was on here, or somewhere else, a very attractive woman dropped something...a guy behind her picked it up and got her attention to give it to her. She turns around, cuts him off, and goes "Nope!"...then he shows her her wallet, she grabs it, doesn't say "sorry" nor even a "thank you" and just walks away.

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by QuietRiot

[elaine567]

21 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

...the biggest problem people who are bad at dating face, they cannot actually ascertain what actually constitutes interest and what is in fact kindness

But kindness does not equal interest, it is a fairly basic concept and not hard to understand.
Interest is about attraction and the desire to get naked with a person and get into a relationship with them.
That is a very long way from "Can I get you a coffee, my treat" or "You look a  bit down today, do you want to talk about it?", or "I baked cookies at the week end, would you like some?"
Kindness in itself is NOT interest.
Kind people tend to be kind to everyone, so if those "special" cookies she baked for you, start showing up on everyone's desk then best to see that for what it is and not get too carried away.

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

But kindness does not equal interest, it is a fairly basic concept and not hard to understand.
Interest is about attraction and the desire to get naked with a person and get into a relationship with them.
That is a very long way from "Can I get you a coffee, my treat" or "You look a  bit down today, do you want to talk about it?", or "I baked cookies at the week end, would you like some?"
Kindness in itself is NOT interest.
Kind people tend to be kind to everyone, so if those "special" cookies she baked for you, start showing up on everyone's desk then best to see that for what it is and not get too carried away.

 

I agree with you however it can be extremely difficult for people who never get any interest or any kindness to differentiate between the two. I think seeing attraction is impossible for someone who does not think they are attractive or someone who has poor experiences in general. The OP makes mention of an interesting thing in the sense ladies are not kind because sometimes this is incorrectly interpreted as interest. Go one step further and that pretty much chases off any guys who may be interested so its loss all round.

For me I look at it like teaching someone something, nobody has to but you compare the general persona of a person you teach something to with someone who struggles and struggles to do that very thing and you quickly learn that being interested in someone usually means you are kind to them. So when people with little success suddenly experience kindness its very easy to see it as interest.

 

[Alpacalia]

It could be that men exaggerate their sense of female friendliness, because the slightest sign of feminine desire sparks men's sexual imagination.

It's reminiscent of the swimming pool scene from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" with Phoebe Cates.

[ZA Dater]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

It could be that men exaggerate their sense of female friendliness, because the slightest sign of feminine desire sparks men's sexual imagination.

It's reminiscent of the swimming pool scene from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" with Phoebe Cates.

Probably not wrong at all. Again if everyone was kind, then would everything not be more equal in terms of dating and perhaps life? 

[Cookiesandough]

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Probably not wrong at all. Again if everyone was kind, then would everything not be more equal in terms of dating and perhaps life? 

No, because again you can be kind and still not want to sleep with someone 

[stillafool]

It isn't just men who do this women do it too.  How many times has a woman on LS said "he opened the door for me" and other similar acts and then asks us if he's interested.  I think when attracted to someone you look for any sign of interest.

[Stret]

I had a next door neighbour who was unattractive, unemployed, had no friends and his whole life was about watching TV. We talked because we both had cats. He seemed rather "normal" and I was new in the city and needed friends. Former tenant said she kept her spare keys at his place. So when he invited me to watch a movie and chill, I did. We talked and were friends for about a year when he asked me out. There was nothing in my behaviour that indicated I was interested in him. In fact, not sure what he thought he could offer me. But when you are the only woman and friend in someone's life it's a slippery slope - I learned this the hard way. I told him I will not go out with him and that I am not interested in him in that way, just appreciate the friendship. He seemed ok with that for a while, but soon enough started spitting in my windows every time I had a male friend or colleague over, started yelling out of nowhere about nothing, which scared the crap out of me, etc. I stopped socialising with him altogether and moved eventually. 
Than there was a guy who pretended he was interested in me only as a friend but he really wasn't and one day he just started to be mean and passive aggressive; a car mechanic that was about 25 years older who also asked me out because I was friendly to him; and a number of other men who acted the same. I did nothing that they could have interpreted as romantic interest, I was just friendly and I talked to them. 

Seems like I really had to change my personality and stay without male friends in England. I'm sure not everyone is like this but most of men seem to be. Guys hang together in England and have boys' clubs while women hang together. There are very few genuine mixed friend groups that I've seen in North.

Maybe it is cultural because where I come from, it is rather mixed.  

 

[Cookiesandough]

2 hours ago, Stret said:

I had a next door neighbour who was unattractive, unemployed, had no friends and his whole life was about watching TV. We talked because we both had cats. He seemed rather "normal" and I was new in the city and needed friends. Former tenant said she kept her spare keys at his place. So when he invited me to watch a movie and chill, I did. We talked and were friends for about a year when he asked me out. There was nothing in my behaviour that indicated I was interested in him. In fact, not sure what he thought he could offer me. But when you are the only woman and friend in someone's life it's a slippery slope - I learned this the hard way. I told him I will not go out with him and that I am not interested in him in that way, just appreciate the friendship. He seemed ok with that for a while, but soon enough started spitting in my windows every time I had a male friend or colleague over, started yelling out of nowhere about nothing, which scared the crap out of me, etc. I stopped socialising with him altogether and moved eventually. 
Than there was a guy who pretended he was interested in me only as a friend but he really wasn't and one day he just started to be mean and passive aggressive; a car mechanic that was about 25 years older who also asked me out because I was friendly to him; and a number of other men who acted the same. I did nothing that they could have interpreted as romantic interest, I was just friendly and I talked to them. 

Seems like I really had to change my personality and stay without male friends in England. I'm sure not everyone is like this but most of men seem to be. Guys hang together in England and have boys' clubs while women hang together. There are very few genuine mixed friend groups that I've seen in North.

Maybe it is cultural because where I come from, it is rather mixed.  

 

Friends with a guy lol what a noob mistake... I’ve been there too. 
 

I actually had one of them say to me after we went out as “friends” that we were actually on a date. I clarify to him that I was just his friend. He went on to say that can’t be because I smile a lot and giggle at his jokes and I also put my arm on his upper arm. He said that I should be careful with that so I don’t mislead other guys. Dead serious 

[Stret]

11 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Friends with a guy lol what a noob mistake... I’ve been there too. 
 

I actually had one of them say to me after we went out as “friends” that we were actually on a date. I clarify to him that I was just his friend. He went on to say that can’t be because I smile a lot and giggle at his jokes and I also put my arm on his upper arm. He said that I should be careful with that so I don’t mislead other guys. Dead serious 

So we can be either completely stone cold, distance keeping, paranoid bit**es... OR we can risk getting into these sorts of uncomfortable situations. I must say I never had this before I moved to England and I lived in 7 countries in my life.  
I had a friend who was making everyone think we were a couple - if someone was asking him if there is anything going on between us he wouldn't say NO. He would say "it is none of your business" or something like that. To me that was terrible because I didn't want people associating me with him in that way. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Again if everyone was kind, then would everything not be more equal in terms of dating and perhaps life? 

No, not at all.

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

No, because again you can be kind and still not want to sleep with someone 

Again is there more to dating than "sleeping with someone".

[QuietRiot]

On 1/6/2021 at 9:22 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

Some people simply have fabulous smiles, and when a guy gets a smile and a witty, funny exchange going with the person, he is so stunned that he assumes it's more than it is. 

I've had the same problem with just people wanting to be friends. I meet someone, relax and talk (I love learning about people so it's nothing for me to ask someone about themselves), and next thing I know someone says they want to hang out. I was just being polite with the person. I don't dislike them. But I'm not interested in being friends. 

 

So you're just talking FRIENDSHIP, not romance?  To be honest, I cannot fault them for making the attempt at just a platonic friendship with you. Of course, this thread is about the romantic aspect of the approach.

[QuietRiot]

On 1/6/2021 at 4:00 PM, FMW said:

When I was going through my divorce I used to go out to clubs to listen to music with a woman (we're no longer friends) who often told me I was rude to guys that were coming on strong, at the same time complaining (not very convincingly) that she was getting hit on too much.  She told me she was taught and raised right by her mother to be nice and would never be rude (basically saying I WASN'T raised right).  I told her I didn't think her mother meant she should be friendly and accommodating to attention from drunk, handsy guys that couldn't take a hint.

 

Actually, I would say going to a club isn't the best choice if you don't want to get approached by men. In fact, it's quite an understatement. 

Edited January 11, 2021 by QuietRiot

[FMW]

4 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

going to a club isn't the best choice if you don't want to get approached by men

The clubs I was referencing are geared toward people who appreciate live music.  I don't go to meet people or dance, most others at these clubs are the same. I only had to be "rude" to guys who WERE there for something else when I was with that particular friend and she was inviting and encouraging the attention.  Since I was with her they thought I was part of a package deal.  When I now go with equally or more attractive friends we seldom deal with that problem because we aren't inviting/encouraging it.

My example was about the being "nice and friendly" component, that sometimes it will invite unwanted attention.  Place and context are important as well as paying attention to how you are being received by the other person.     

[dramafreezone]

The core issue here is this conundrum; all women that are kind to you aren't interested in you, but all women that are interested in you are kind to you.  Some are very forward but many are extremely subtle.  For many guys that lack a lot of experience with women, it can be difficult to decipher the difference.  Hell even if you have experience it is.

If a woman is nice to you in situations where she has to speak to you(you're sitting next to her in a board meeting and she's just making chit chat, or she smiles to you at the checkout counter), then I would assume there's probably not interest.  If she's going out of her way to talk to you (like coming to your cubicle just to check in), initiates conversation (calls or texts you out of the blue), asks about what you're doing on the weekend, then that's more suggestive of interest.  One foolproof way to know, ask her out.  You'll have your answer.

[Cookiesandough]

On 1/7/2021 at 2:28 PM, ZA Dater said:

Again is there more to dating than "sleeping with someone".

That is true. It was a very simplistic way to put an encompassing point(because that is part of the end goal for most people). But no matter how no matter how you define dating, the point is that it can’t be equal because a person only has a certain amount of time that can allotted  to it. Therefore,  even if they are kind to everyone they meet, there will be some purpose for which they spend time with some people over others( or date). That could be because of sexual preference or just enjoyment of their company etc. etc. 

 
But sure, would everything be more pleasant if everyone was kinder to each other? I believe so. But would everything be more equal? I don’t think equality to that extent is possible

Edited January 11, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[QuietRiot]

9 hours ago, FMW said:

The clubs I was referencing are geared toward people who appreciate live music.  I don't go to meet people or dance, most others at these clubs are the same. I only had to be "rude" to guys who WERE there for something else when I was with that particular friend and she was inviting and encouraging the attention.  Since I was with her they thought I was part of a package deal.  When I now go with equally or more attractive friends we seldom deal with that problem because we aren't inviting/encouraging it.

My example was about the being "nice and friendly" component, that sometimes it will invite unwanted attention.  Place and context are important as well as paying attention to how you are being received by the other person.     

Meh, live music is okay I guess, but I just listen to music while I'm out walking or at home.  I got a male friend that's a bar fly, he has become so much the regular that he approaches everyone, regardless..as he's quite the socialite. If a pretty lady or group of ladies are sitting next to his group of friends, he makes his way over and schmoozes their way over there, joining up. He has the gift of gab I guess. Strike up a conversation with anyone. Of course, his looks help.