poppyfields Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Shining One said: Lots of people mistake kindness for romantic interest. I've had quite a few women automatically assume I was hitting on them when I was just offering help (reaching something from a high shelf, putting something heavy in their car, etc). I'm curious, what made you think they assumed you were hitting on them? Did they ask you out, give you their number? Overtly flirt with you? Or were they simply very appreciative and friendly back? And you mistook that as interest? It's so easy to misinterpret based on what our own experiences have been. While one man who is successful with women and who has a good grasp of the female mindset might not automatically interpret friendliness or a kindness as romantic interest, another man might interpret a woman's kindness as romantic interest. I've had men misinterpret as well. It hasn't caused me to stop being kind though. I've also had men be kind to me, similar to what Shining described above, and I did not automatically assume they were hitting on me. I think we should all strive to be kinder to each other, if someone misinterprets, then gently (and kindly) set them straight unless they become nasty which I've had happen too. @Gaeta, I'm sorry that happened to you, guy was deranged. Edited January 6, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed characterization of another poster. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) If anyone is interested, a few months ago I created a thread asking if someone can be "too considerate" as my nature and how I was raised is to be kind/considerate to people, even when they're not and my fiance became angry at me for it! The responses were quite interesting! We're fine now but it did cause me to have a good think about it. Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 14 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I'm curious, what made you think they assumed you were hitting on them? The immediate: "I have a boyfriend/husband" response. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 Just now, Shining One said: The immediate: "I have a boyfriend/husband" response. Oh craps, lol. Fair enough Shining but jeez! SMH When that happens, I s'pose all you can do is roll eyes and 🤣. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 14 minutes ago, Shining One said: The immediate: "I have a boyfriend/husband" response. I think that's automatic and a part of kindness actually, just so as not to mislead anyone from the get-go! Doesn't need to be said nastily, just introducing 'my partner' early on to the conversation. It's part of social skills! Many people are very lonely, more so than ever since the pandemic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 1 minute ago, Ellener said: I think that's automatic and a part of kindness actually, just so as not to mislead anyone from the get-go! Doesn't need to be said nastily, just introducing 'my partner' early on to the conversation. It's part of social skills! Many people are very lonely, more so than ever since the pandemic. Ellenor, it's presumptuous. They're not conversing in a social setting, he helped her get an item off the shelf! I cannot even imagine saying that to a man in that circumstance. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Ellenor, it's presumptuous. They're not conversing in a social setting, he helped her get an item off the shelf! I cannot even imagine saying that to a man in that circumstance. Missed that. No, that's just unnecessarily unpleasant. But that's the whole thing really in a nutshell- if someone is unpleasant in the least of encounters imagine what they'd be like in a relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 PS. loads of men ( and women ) are helpful to me when I'm in the wheelchair, which is when I notice such things more, feeling vulnerable, and a few are unaccountably hostile. It just reveals their inner character. It's zero reflection on me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 12 minutes ago, Ellener said: But that's the whole thing really in a nutshell- if someone is unpleasant in the least of encounters imagine what they'd be like in a relationship! They could have been caught on a bad day? You can strive for kindness but fail at times too. So really in the context of this thread, it's probably worth defining what 'kindness' means. I don't know that you can qualify someone as 'kind' unless you really know them. Showing kindness and being kind are two different things. Personally, I like to think I can be kind, but I don't always act in a kind way (because I am an imperfect human). I now wonder what the lady in the OP actually meant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 10 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: They could have been caught on a bad day? You can strive for kindness but fail at times too. So really in the context of this thread, it's probably worth defining what 'kindness' means. I don't know that you can qualify someone as 'kind' unless you really know them. Showing kindness and being kind are two different things. Personally, I like to think I can be kind, but I don't always act in a kind way (because I am an imperfect human). I now wonder what the lady in the OP actually meant. Politeness is official-kindness I guess! Public-kindness! I derive no pleasure whatsoever from the thought or act of putting someone down or hurting them- that's a last resort to me not a first encounter. Being unnecessarily rude to a stranger seems over-the top, it would be acting out my own issues. I too have been a bit more snippy on occasion this difficult past year, but it's easy to back up and say sorry, or take a deep breath and not respond. Seems a lot of people are confused by each others' behaviours surrounding asking each other out though or testing to see if each other is interested. Personally my experience is when there's been confusion, I wasn't wrong about the attraction but there was ambivalence for various reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
princessaurora Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 I've always been polite to people. It's just the way I was raised. Working in finance instilled that even more in me and I'm kind and helpful in all aspects of life. Sometimes, people do think it's interest which is frustrating, especially when I've got a wedding and engagement ring right there on my finger. I believe for alot of men and women, assuming someone being kind to them is interested is wishful thinking. If they are attracted to that person, they want to believe it's interest which is only natural. And others have such a big ego they think every person in the world wants them which is quite annoying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 17 hours ago, QuietRiot said: There's this woman on Twitter that I follow via my geek channels, and apparently, she always has an axe to grind with men. Lately, she posted "I get really sad when people confuse my kindness for romantic interest because basically they’re telling me they’re only kind to those they want something from." I don't get how this is a problem with her, I've asked out women that were kind to me out on dates, in fact, that was one of the qualities I look for in a woman. To call it a "mistake" is not really the right word for it, is it? Perhaps there's not enough context here? does she post overly sexual (or even subtle) things and then complain about being objectified? and also as someone else pointed out, it's a pretty passive-aggressively-egotistical thing to say, "oh poor me everyone hits on me because i'm so nice to everyone" the notion itself is interesting and worth a discussion, but the statement being made by someone in the way it is...just gives off a gross perception of high self worth Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) 18 hours ago, QuietRiot said: There's this woman on Twitter that I follow via my geek channels, and apparently, she always has an axe to grind with men. Lately, she posted "I get really sad when people confuse my kindness for romantic interest because basically they’re telling me they’re only kind to those they want something from." I don't get how this is a problem with her, I've asked out women that were kind to me out on dates, in fact, that was one of the qualities I look for in a woman. To call it a "mistake" is not really the right word for it, is it? Perhaps there's not enough context here? And you always have an axe to grind with women, extrapolating to a negative conclusion about men and women generally. Honestly, who goes out on a date with a complete stranger who approaches them on the street? I know no one who would. Edited January 6, 2021 by Tamfana 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 My wife noticed that men respond differently (generally speaking) depending on where you live. When we lived in the northeast, this was seldom a problem. When we moved to the southeast, it became a persistent and widespread problem. Even when the men knew she was married, they almost automatically assumed she was coming on to them just by being pleasant (but not at all flirtatious), and would hit on her. They'd continue even when asked to stop, so she'd have to intentionally be brusque with them as a general policy. It seems that there are real cultural differences in different areas of the country that contribute to this. Since we've moved out west, we have not experienced the issue with men here. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 49 minutes ago, Tamfana said: Honestly, who goes out on a date with a complete stranger who approaches them on the street? How is that different than trusting a stranger from the internet? Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) Good point. Maybe there's no difference. Edited January 6, 2021 by Tamfana 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 When I was going through my divorce I used to go out to clubs to listen to music with a woman (we're no longer friends) who often told me I was rude to guys that were coming on strong, at the same time complaining (not very convincingly) that she was getting hit on too much. She told me she was taught and raised right by her mother to be nice and would never be rude (basically saying I WASN'T raised right). I told her I didn't think her mother meant she should be friendly and accommodating to attention from drunk, handsy guys that couldn't take a hint. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 9 hours ago, elaine567 said: As successful I guess as a gay guy posing as a straight woman trying to approach men in public... Minus I guess the foul language and the beating up... Women are not stupid, they are going to suss out something is weird about the "guy" in one second and once the creepometer alarm goes off it is all over. Not sure what this proves? Apart from this women does not like being approached by a lesbian pretending to be a man in a coffee shop... Indeed. I can't begin to figure out why they'd use a woman who's cross dressing for this purpose. To be honest, I doubt it actually happened. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 3 hours ago, poppyfields said: Ellenor, it's presumptuous. They're not conversing in a social setting, he helped her get an item off the shelf! I cannot even imagine saying that to a man in that circumstance. What if you'd been repeatedly hit on by men doing exactly that? Our reactions are often learned from experience. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, basil67 said: What if you'd been repeatedly hit on by men doing exactly that? Our reactions are often learned from experience. I actually have basil, not repeatedly but a few times. I still think it's presumptuous to assume it though. Jmo. Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 This is a huge troublesome thing especially if they work together or one is paid to be nice and men's ego leads them to think it's date bait. Almost never I discovered. And I feel foolish when she is taken aback and shows me the door or disappears Any comment is construed as a hit on pickup. After a certain age some guys are not even considered at all. Doesn't get easier over time. Long ago it was easy for me Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) Dunno what the surprise is , same thing happens vise versa with women.. l figured out yrs ago if l'm too nice , too complimentary , take too much notice of anyone or offer too much help or whatever , women will get the wrong idea and start thinking it means something and l'm interested in them. So l had to start being a bit careful with any of that. Edited January 6, 2021 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 @chillii this could be related to a general loss of chivalry. I remember one guy here posting that he was only chivalrous to women he's interested in - and I suspect he's not alone in that. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 22 minutes ago, basil67 said: I remember one guy here posting that he was only chivalrous to women he's interested in - and I suspect he's not alone in that. Does he think they won't notice?! It's one of the first things I pick up on- manners and how do you treat service people and passers by.... Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 4 hours ago, basil67 said: Indeed. I can't begin to figure out why they'd use a woman who's cross dressing for this purpose. To be honest, I doubt it actually happened. The woman in question was writing a book about what it's like to be a man, so she chose to do that of her own volition, assuming I'm referring to the same woman as that poster. Self-Made Man 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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