Having a hard time trusting! Please help!

[sunseed]

I've been suspicious of my now-husband John on and off for most of our relationship (about two years now, in all). Contrastly, he's never once had any suspicion or jealous feelings. We both agree that this is in part because I work very hard to make him feel secure. I think it's an important thing to do for your partner. I have a few very good reasons to be suspicious, and a few very good reasons not to be, depending on how you look at it.

 

The backstory: I come from a repeat-broken home, and my mother has had affairs and ended her marriages to be with other men. My father was detroyed by their split and made very little effort to stay in contact with me. I barely talk to him even now, In short, I don't trust marriage, although I want to.

 

Now when John and I got together, I was still recovering from the end of my last relationship, which was a good ldr, and an engagement that ended abruptly and without warning when the guy met someone else. Months later John let me know he was interested, and I was cautious but interested back. We dated a little, then I cut it off because I wasn't ready and felt panicked. About 6 weeks later we tried again, and this time it took off like a dream. For the first time, and at age 30 I was thinking "This is the guy I'm going to marry!" Of course it turned out that I was right. But: certain revelations presented themselves that really freaked me out.

1) He had been involved in a friends-with-benefits situation with his roommate, who for all her agreeing to remain emotionally detached, was CRUSHED when he left her (for me). Before we started dating the second time, he went back to her, and broke it off again when I came back. He told me about it, then continued to live there for another 3 months after we started up. (Fun for all!) This hit me hard, having been left so unceremoniously months earlier, however unfair it was of me to carry my old baggage into this new relationship.

2) After struggling through the above issue (he asked me to stay when I seriously considered leaving again) and about 4-5 months together, expressions of love, a trip together and long-term talk, he revealed that the night he asked me out he made out with this woman he had no interest in who was at the party!

 

Now John is a few years younger than I, but he wasn't some desperate-for-touch teenager who didn't want a serious relationship. By his own volunteering, he had wanted a steady relationship for years, and it had eluded him! Given this, I found his actions that night to be immature and self-ambushing. We had our first real fight when he told me. I said that his actions didn't reflect what he wanted, i.e. me and a relationship, and he argued that he likes "recreational kissing" and saw nothing wrong with it. I observed that he had crappy boundaries with women, and since he seemed to be willing to go along with his libido's whims and what women asked of him (the roommate, the random chick at the party), rather than act according to what he really wants. (He also had some pretty entitled, flirtatious girls as friends, who weren't cool to me and didn't improve my opinion.)

 

A day or two after that revelation and subsequent fight, he "warned" me about this woman he did massage trades with. (He's a massage therapist.) He said that he expected I'd not like their working together because, in his words, "she's attractive." I pretty much lost it right there. I know it was reactionary and petty, but I told him that my trust in him was destroyed and it needed to be rebuilt if we were going to go further. I said I didn't want him to work with her if he found her attractive, given his track record with boundaries. I threatened to leave. He agreed (admittedly, under duress) to call off their relationship, and a week later took her to a 2.5 hour lunch with his phone OFF. According to what he told me, during their conversation he revealed things about our relationship to this woman (against whom I hold nothing, personally) so naturally she was put in the position of being the wise, patient and un-jealous woman friend. I did and do appreciate his willingness to make such a change for us, but I can't say that the long lunch with no phone contact was exactly the smoothest trust builder. We've talked about it and he's said he could have handled it better.

 

This was about a year and a half ago, and much has been said between us about trust since then. The trust I had with him was precious and fragile, and it shattered twice or more in our beginnings! But he's assured me that he's changed and wants to be with me in what he calls this fulfilling relationship, and he wants to protect it. So I trusted him enough to marry him in July. But then, during our honeymoon he was checking out women a-plenty. This surprised and hurt me and we fought about it. He was candid and regretful when we talked, saying it was something of a problem of his, but I was heartbroken. I don't actually remember our honeymoon very happily now, though I wish I could.

 

And now, I find I am very suspicious at times. I ask him questions about his plans for the day etc, but not in accusatory ways, so it's generally ok and we get along well. But if I express doubt over his boundaries or motives (a rare occurence anymore) he feels beleaguered and gets defensive quickly, or shuts down. He's starting to wonder if he's going to have to answer questions all his life and I can't blame him. I'm starting to wonder if I'm always going to be having questions to ask. It's awful not trusting him. I long for peace but since he will often do things like go to his workplace without his valise or leave his wedding ring there when he leaves, I always have some small thing to keep me feeling uncomfortable. It's so irrational! I'M so irrational!

 

I just don't want to get hurt again, and he has already hurt me so it's hard to think that he won't again. I've been let down a lot by him. What can I do? Can anyone help me rearrange my thinking? Are there any guys out there who have been on John's end of things, but have turned it around? Are there women who've been on my end and grown past it? I think I need to hear that people really can change, and that you can trust someone again after they've hurt you. Or maybe I need to be told to toughen up. Taking your thoughts. No fearmongering, please.

[Kate*]

He cannot be trusted, it's not your fault.