Major depressive episode

[robaday]

I have had pretty bad depression for the last five months. There are reasons behind it (grief, relationship failing, loss of employment) but I still feel like I'm living in a prison of the mind. I am taking active steps to help myself - counselling, keeping fit, meditation and am lucky to have a lot of good supportive friends. But I can't stop beating myself up for not being ok. I pride myself on my resilience but I am waking up every morning crying my eyes out. A year ago I had it all, a lifestyle I loved, the respect and admiration of my industry, a woman I was in love with and I feel really sad I am not the man I used to be.

How can I accept that this is a normal process and change is ok? How can I accept that it will take me awhile to get back to where I was? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Have you had depressive episodes before?

Might be a good idea to get checked out by a physician. Other than that you're doing the right stuff.

Use this time to update and retool your LinkedIn profile. Reach out to friends, family, neighbors, classmates, co-workers, etc. Take some online courses.

Get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics. Just start browsing. When you're ready, start messaging and meeting women.

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, robaday said:

How can I accept that this is a normal process and change is ok? How can I accept that it will take me awhile to get back to where I was? 

Glad you are in counseling.  That is where you get these answers, not from amateurs on the internet. 

That said you turn the Qs above into positive affirmations.  This is normal & it's I will get back eventually. 

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, robaday said:

I feel really sad I am not the man I used to be.

'You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.' ~Joseph Campbell

Your recovery from depression and loss is a normal process, change is ok ( if also scary and disorienting ) and most of all- what you write is resilience and the courage to experience your own emotions.

 

[trident_2020]

If it's not getting better it might take antidepressants to break the cycle.

If you find one that works for you it can be a real game changer.

[robaday]

I did have a severe depressive episode in my mid 20's which lasted several years following a sudden death of a close relative. I did get better eventually and thought I had achieved a full recovery (i.e. I had been pretty content for 8 years or so). I was on anti depressants in my 20's but stopped after several years of negative side effects and wanted to fix it without medication which I was able to do. 

I guess I'm struggling to enjoy life/things I would normally enjoy. Even reading a book is out because my concentration seems to have gone, although I am forcing myself to. 

[Ellener]

7 hours ago, robaday said:

I did get better eventually and thought I had achieved a full recovery (i.e. I had been pretty content for 8 years or so).

I have found for me it's all morphed into a lifelong commitment to good mental health and overall wellbeing these days, or my anxiety disorder resurfaces. 

I don't tolerate medicine well so diet, sleep, exercise, meditation, avoiding unnecessary stress etc have been the way I dealt with it. With a little resistance at times when it felt all-encompassing.

Regarding reading, I find I can concentrate again on certain things, nothing too serious or 'heavy'. 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2021 by Ellener
spelling

[alphamale]

Drop the meditation and add medication (provided by your local psychiatrist)

[trident_2020]

I don't meditate but it works wonders for my girlfriend who occasionally struggles with depression and anxiety.

Don't be so quick to dismiss it's usefulness.

[robaday]

Part of me feels it's important for me to "feel" this pain. I have a habit of shutting things down but I shut an awful lot down over 12 months and am only now dealing with it. I found when I was on medication it helped me be functional (as in reading and moods) but I didn't process anything. I'm not sure what I'm saying. I think a lot of the issue is needing to be seen as strong to others and actually being honest and saying I'm struggling 

[Ellener]

36 minutes ago, robaday said:

I found when I was on medication it helped me be functional (as in reading and moods) but I didn't process anything.

I found when I took medication ( for anxiety or depression ) I became manic; hence the meditation/holistic route.

Who do you need to be seen as 'strong' to?

[Foxhall]

On 1/8/2021 at 9:12 AM, robaday said:

but I am waking up every morning crying my eyes out.

thats the hardest time I imagine, when you wake up too early in the night and the loneliness is at its sharpest,

in the cold light of day though your not that badly off, you have supportive friends and you have your health,

you've had good situations before, so push yourself out there again, talk to people

get outside in the nature,

do one or two positive things each day and you will feel better in a year or thereabouts.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/9/2021 at 3:50 PM, robaday said:

Part of me feels it's important for me to "feel" this pain. 

Unfortunately this is not true. It's simply depressive thinking.

If there's reasons you stopped medical treatment address that. Side effects,etc.

Mood disorders, particularly bipolar misdiagnosed as depression, can manifest as you are describing, such as "blunting" feelings.

Perhaps see a psychiatrist since they may be better able to pinpoint precise problems and  more targeted treatment with better efficacy and less side effects.

 

[robaday]

I think I have turned a corner. I noticed the breeze this week and the sun, and was able to start reading a book. I guess landing a job and going on a date helped. But also I feel like I "snapped" back into reality after six months of being in a very dark place. I was finally aware of the mess in my apartment, the fact I have let my looks go and that I haven't filled my mind with anything new for some time. 

So a small beginning. There will be rough times ahead. But I can see light in the distance. 

[Ellener]

Keep going @robaday!

[robaday]

Thought I would post again, a month later. Again each week feeling stronger and more myself. The change has been really noticeable and the dark cloud is lifting slowly. I stood in the rain the other night and allowed it to drench me and I felt happy to be alive. I was in a dark place for awhile there, maybe 4-5 months and wasn't sure when or how I would get out. I guess I did exercise throughout it, did meditate and did try and work, but my focus and concentration were gone. So time and I guess taking charge of my life have helped alongside counselling. 

Anyways, wanted to give an update in case anyone else is going through something similar. It does get better. I'm probably about 60% of the way to where I was a year ago (when I felt really happy) and that is up from maybe 20% four months ago. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, robaday said:

 I was in a dark place for awhile there, maybe 4-5 months 

Good to hear. Could there be a seasonal component to your mood disorder?

Lifestyle, like staying fit, getting outdoors, good sleeping habits, etc definitely help.

[Taramere]

On 1/8/2021 at 9:12 AM, robaday said:

I have had pretty bad depression for the last five months. There are reasons behind it (grief, relationship failing, loss of employment) but I still feel like I'm living in a prison of the mind. I am taking active steps to help myself - counselling, keeping fit, meditation and am lucky to have a lot of good supportive friends. But I can't stop beating myself up for not being ok. I pride myself on my resilience but I am waking up every morning crying my eyes out. A year ago I had it all, a lifestyle I loved, the respect and admiration of my industry, a woman I was in love with and I feel really sad I am not the man I used to be.

How can I accept that this is a normal process and change is ok? How can I accept that it will take me awhile to get back to where I was? 

Depressive episodes are a major test for the people who get them.  I think we can find ourselves focusing on all sorts of things from the past and questioning them.  For all the focus on not stigmatising people when they're experiencing a mental health problem, it does still happen....and involvement with professionals can actually be a part of feeling stigmatised, as necessary as it might be.

Anybody could, in the "right" circumstances, find themselves in the place you're in.  Especially right now with the pandemic creating physical isolation from loved ones.  I know from professionals I've spoken to that there's been a massive rise in people serious issues stemming from mental health problems particularly since a lot of people out there have been bereaved, lost employment or had a halt placed on their business activities...and are finding that their relationships suffer as a consequence of all these major life stressors.

You evidently are very resilient, with a strong healthy core to you, because you're doing the things that you're supposed to do (within the limits this terrible pandemic has placed upon us).  I think the situation you're in is probably conjuring up all sorts of feelings from the past that you thought were done and dusted, because that's what depression tends to do to us.  It's hard not to mull, and sometimes no matter how well we distract ourselves this stuff can break in through dreams when we're asleep, making it impossible to escape from.

As far as accepting change goes, maybe you could think of one small change that is likely to impact on you in the future, and which makes you feel fearful, and consider constructive ways in which you could not only manage that change but gain something positive from it.  Your resilience comes from a place where you are already more than capable of doing that.  All your life, you've been experiencing changes and adapting to them.  But at the moment humanity is in a very weird place where lots and lots of people who would ordinarily be getting on with life and making a success of it are pretty much being blocked from doing that by circumstances which are beyond their control.  It's hard to know what to suggest other than to avoid criticising yourself for having bouts of tearfulness or being afraid of what changes the future might bring...because that's a place that a lot of people will likely relate to you for being in right now.

I dived in with a response, without reading follow up posts.  I'm so glad you're getting to a better place and seeing some light at the end of this.

Edited February 20, 2021 by Taramere

[robaday]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good to hear. Could there be a seasonal component to your mood disorder?

Hi Wiseman2, I think more situational, I've been grieving and getting over a breakup and I know from experience that those things do eventually get better with time, but it's hard to see a way out when you are chasing shadows. Getting a new job I am really happy with has really helped too, I guess when I lost my job (and the relationship and family member) my confidence and self esteem took a big knock. I am driven professionally and my career has always made me happy and able to withstand other stressors outside of work, but struggling to find employment I lost a lot of drive. 

 

5 hours ago, Taramere said:

As far as accepting change goes, maybe you could think of one small change that is likely to impact on you in the future, and which makes you feel fearful, and consider constructive ways in which you could not only manage that change but gain something positive from it. 

This is a really good point. And you are completely right. I think it strikes at the core of what I was dealing with - I had been so happy a year ago, great partner, great lifestyle, dream job and was living my dream (i.e. I was living the life I had always wanted). And I guess I have been struggling to see that I could be happy again and live a new kind of dream. Struggling to see that my partner didn't turn out to be the life partner I wanted her to be. I was stuck in the past basically, not able to live in the present. So I guess I have been fearful of not being able to live that dream again, but I feel like the solution for me to manage that change is to continue getting happy in myself on my own and stay single for a decent period. The future relationship will happen when it happens.