A challenge dating women over 40 wanting kids. still

[QuietRiot]

Was getting to know this lovely lady via a singles group on Facebook. We still chat regardless of the fact  have different goals when starting (or not starting) a family. And I seem to keep meeting women over 40, that if they never had kids...still want them. I said she'd probably be better off being a step-mother to a single dad...be easier..and she'd be open to that, but STILL want to be a mother to a child that's actually HERS. (Marry the single dad, then get pregnant with her own child by that dad).

So I m just noticing lately women, even over 40, wanting kids.

With me, the ideal is to find a child-free woman (that would be ideal, but I'd be open to a woman with high-school aged kids, maybe Jr. High).

So it's refreshing to meet a childless, available 40-something these days as they are kind of a unicorn to me....as I'm child-free as well. Just makes sense. Don't have to worry about the ex-husband drama and whatever comes along with it. Not having to stick to child custody rules.

Anyways, the last woman I dated was 40, me in my mid-40s. She said she wants to even possibly foster, but it's all the same to me...as when I reached 40, that was the cut-off for me to having kids. I DID want them, but..not anymore.

It's like Id be better off dating single mothers as typically they don't want to have any MORE children.

So are some of you meeting people over 40 that want kids...still? Is this a deal breaker for some of you that are child-free at 40+

Edited January 8, 2021 by QuietRiot

[ZA Dater]

I can relate to this in the sense that many ladies on OLD over 40 on Bumble list the fact they want kids. For me kids are a deal breaker in 99% of all circumstances. I also have to then ask the question why someone over 40 who wants kids has not had them yet considering the health risks inherent in having kids when over 40. This alone makes me look at the person more closely and then ask myself why, if you are so marketable why have you not found a guy. Look there are instances, career etc. where that is understandable but again I still wonder why or I simply just write the whole thing off to "no suitable guy".

The 1% for me would be where the father is completely out of the picture and the child is very young. 

[Happy Lemming]

I think you'll have better luck meeting childless women and those who don't want children in "real life" social situations.  I understand that the current pandemic makes that extremely difficult and you may have to wait to find such a woman.

Deal breaker #1 on my list is kids.  I'm not raising someone else's seed, paying to raise some other guy's kid, dealing with some angry "bio-dad" or putting up with some mouthy child trying to put me in my place.  No way, shape or form. 

Life is too short to put up with that crap.  Let the single dads date the single moms, they put themselves in that situation and they can deal with the trauma and drama of their decisions to reproduce.

 

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I think you'll have better luck meeting childless women and those who don't want children in "real life" social situations.  I understand that the current pandemic makes that extremely difficult and you may have to wait to find such a woman.

Deal breaker #1 on my list is kids.  I'm not raising someone else's seed, paying to raise some other guy's kid, dealing with some angry "bio-dad" or putting up with some mouthy child trying to put me in my place.  No way, shape or form. 

Life is too short to put up with that crap.  Let the single dads date the single moms, they put themselves in that situation and they can deal with the trauma and drama of their decisions to reproduce.

 

I think you are probably correct, OLD does seem to lend itself to single moms and dads very well.  You are also right that for some people it might be easier to meet single childless people in social situations but that relies on having enough friends and to be fair I think by mid 30's most people have kids.

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

 ...to be fair I think by mid 30's most people have kids.

I'll agree with that, but it is not an impossible task.  There are childless women looking for childless men.

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

You are also right that for some people it might be easier to meet single childless people in social situations but that relies on having enough friends...

Not necessarily... I think if you are out-going, engage in some sports activities and put yourself in social situations, you stand a good chance in meeting a single woman with no kids. 

Also, keep in mind where and when you are attempting to meet women, late on a school night (at most places), the single moms are going to home with their kids, not at the pub or local watering hole. Although that is not true 100% of the time, odds are in your favor.

When I'm attempting to date, I'm constantly talking to people... everyone that crosses my path.  It's kind of like being a salesman and the ABC motto... Always Be Closing! 

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I'll agree with that, but it is not an impossible task.  There are childless women looking for childless men.

Not necessarily... I think if you are out-going, engage in some sports activities and put yourself in social situations, you stand a good chance in meeting a single woman with no kids. 

Also, keep in mind where and when you are attempting to meet women, late on a school night (at most places), the single moms are going to home with their kids, not at the pub or local watering hole. Although that is not true 100% of the time, odds are in your favor.

When I'm attempting to date, I'm constantly talking to people... everyone that crosses my path.  It's kind of like being a salesman and the ABC motto... Always Be Closing! 

I like your motto! I think some are definitely better at selling than others. Oddly one of the things that does appeal slightly about single mothers is they are generally more responsible and settled so the chances of, as you say finding a single mom who clubs 4 days a week are quite slim. Of course the downside is how much baggage there is. Ladies who are desperate to have kids also have a different kind of baggage which is also not the easiest to deal with.

One thing though I have learnt recently is that I think its better to put baggage on the table and let the other person judge, in my instance I immediately felt better, the interaction became calmer and more relaxed and the conversation flowed better. 

Of course the 'if you are outgoing" is important because if you are not.....things are quite a bit harder.

[sothereiwas]

I like kids, but I wouldn't be interested in picking up someone else's half finished project, kid or other. Women over 40 getting pregnant is a whole other ball of wax, also in the list of things I wouldn't want to be involved in. 

[Happy Lemming]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Of course the 'if you are outgoing" is important because if you are not.....things are quite a bit harder.

Again... I agree with you. 

Just like every other male, I had to teach myself how to be outgoing, how to converse with various people, how to read body language, how to chit-chat, etc.  I think most men learn this as they start to date in high school.  You go to a high school dances, ask the girl to dance, etc., and this lays the groundwork.  As you become an adult you build on those skillz and learn how to be outgoing and how to date. 

It is a process.

[Foxhall]

I suppose it would be a major lifestyle change having a child post 40,

Im quite keen actually though, almost 41 now so conscious im getting on as they say!!

herself is 39 and a single mother,

shes fluctuating- probably between unsure of having another one or unsure of me perhaps!!

I think I can be good at it though and Im happy to go ahead,

I imagine if any more years go by, it will not be a runner though.

 

 

 

 

[QuietRiot]

14 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I can relate to this in the sense that many ladies on OLD over 40 on Bumble list the fact they want kids. For me kids are a deal breaker in 99% of all circumstances. I also have to then ask the question why someone over 40 who wants kids has not had them yet considering the health risks inherent in having kids when over 40. This alone makes me look at the person more closely and then ask myself why, if you are so marketable why have you not found a guy. Look there are instances, career etc. where that is understandable but again I still wonder why or I simply just write the whole thing off to "no suitable guy".

The 1% for me would be where the father is completely out of the picture and the child is very young. 

Right, I think what is happening is...a lot of women when they enter their 20s and 30s, they are focused on college, and then later...career, and advancing in their career. Then they reach 40s and the bio clock starts ticking. Some may even have regret focusing on such things, esp. in their 30s. 20s, I can see wanting to focus on career, but 30s...not so much...that's the prime decade to start having kids.

Anyways, at 40 they realize they need to pump the brakes and even find a simple bankers hours jobs, even a boring one for the sake of getting married and starting a family.

Even seen some on dating sites admit to this.

[QuietRiot]

I recall meeting a woman, early 40s...gorgeous, was a recent empty nester of to college-aged daughters. As a woman who had kids early in life, that's an ideal single parent (for me) to date, as most women I meet her age still have youngins. 

[Fletch Lives]

Most women want to have kids...........that's just the way dating and relationships work. Your dating pool will be pretty shallow if you don't like kids.

[QuietRiot]

2 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Most women want to have kids...........that's just the way dating and relationships work. Your dating pool will be pretty shallow if you don't like kids.

Right...that's why I think I might consider dating them, but not marry them.

Edited January 9, 2021 by QuietRiot

[sothereiwas]

13 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Then they reach 40s and the bio clock starts ticking.

The timing just doesn't work out. The kid options at that point are to have a kid with someone one barely knows, or to get to know them and have a kid with a woman who's pushing 50. I don't see either choice as good, but I'm sure others feel it's good. I say more power to them, I'll leave them alone and they can do the same for me. Just don't try and shame others for their completely personal choices. 

[ZA Dater]

On 1/9/2021 at 1:48 AM, Happy Lemming said:

Again... I agree with you. 

Just like every other male, I had to teach myself how to be outgoing, how to converse with various people, how to read body language, how to chit-chat, etc.  I think most men learn this as they start to date in high school.  You go to a high school dances, ask the girl to dance, etc., and this lays the groundwork.  As you become an adult you build on those skillz and learn how to be outgoing and how to date. 

It is a process.

Apparently true and to not participate in this is a catastrophic mistake.  You do make a point which is people do not always plan life, perhaps these ladies hoped for better and they have now arrived at 40+ and realised that better might not arrive hence the want to settle down and lets besides the motherly instinct lets face it kids can be the "glue" in a relationship.

[central]

I got back into dating in my early 40s.  I had one child, about to enter high school.  I met and dated a lot of childless women who did NOT want children, and a lot who had children near the age of my own or older.  I certainly did not want any more children, but was fine with dating someone with older children like mine.  That way, if we had a lasting relationship, I could look forward to having all the kids off on their own in a few years.  I did not date those who had younger children, or those who wanted to have children.  That worked out well for me.

[QuietRiot]

16 hours ago, central said:

I got back into dating in my early 40s.  I had one child, about to enter high school.  I met and dated a lot of childless women who did NOT want children, and a lot who had children near the age of my own or older.  I certainly did not want any more children, but was fine with dating someone with older children like mine.  That way, if we had a lasting relationship, I could look forward to having all the kids off on their own in a few years.  I did not date those who had younger children, or those who wanted to have children.  That worked out well for me.

 I had a friend a while ago that moved to an area that was prone with single moms under 25. He was in his mid/early 20s and for the life of them he could not find one child-free woman in the area. Just a lot of fatherless kids in that town with deadbeat dads. The useless boyfriend would pop up once in awhile on their doorsteps needing a quickie or money or whatever.

[Blind-Sided]

One of the woman I was introduced to, after my divorce... she was very pretty, and 38.  She was VERY much wanting to have a kid still.   I personally did not want more kids, and I talked to her about it.  I tried to get her to understand that when her kid would be in HS... she would look like "Grandma" and not "Mom".   And... I tried to get her to understand that chasing a toddler around when she was 40 would not be an easy task. She really didn't care.  AND... it almost seemed like she thought it was a turn on for me. (even though I had 2 kids, and said I was not interested in more) 

Ultimately, it didn't work out because of that.   But it really amazed me that women don't think of the reality of age... and just want a kid.

I got lucky, and found a younger girl who really hates kids, and likes old guys.  LOL. 

[QuietRiot]

2 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

One of the woman I was introduced to, after my divorce... she was very pretty, and 38.  She was VERY much wanting to have a kid still.   I personally did not want more kids, and I talked to her about it.  I tried to get her to understand that when her kid would be in HS... she would look like "Grandma" and not "Mom".   And... I tried to get her to understand that chasing a toddler around when she was 40 would not be an easy task. She really didn't care.  AND... it almost seemed like she thought it was a turn on for me. (even though I had 2 kids, and said I was not interested in more) 

Ultimately, it didn't work out because of that.   But it really amazed me that women don't think of the reality of age... and just want a kid.

I got lucky, and found a younger girl who really hates kids, and likes old guys.  LOL. 

Yeah, I may as well go for the young ladies that don't want kids. lol

I went out with a woman that was, no joke, age 50, has a 25 year old a college-aged daughter (in college) and a 5 year old son.  Apparently, her 2nd husband (who had no kids at the time) wanted a kids...and she had a hankering to have another child. She got pregnant past the age of 45. 

So it's quite unusual to have a full grown adult daughter with a "little" brother age 5. lol

[JRabbit]

It's not just an issue for men either, mid 30s here and don't want kids. Every single male my age in my area has kids or wants them and is looking for "the one".  Really hard to meet singles without kids or who don't want them!

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

I went out with a woman that was, no joke, age 50, has a 25 year old a college-aged daughter (in college) and a 5 year old son.  Apparently, her 2nd husband (who had no kids at the time) wanted a kids...and she had a hankering to have another child. She got pregnant past the age of 45.

And yet they were split up, divorced (and she was back in the dating pool) by the time the kid was age 5??  You would think by the time an adult would reach that advanced age, she (and he) would be making better life decisions.

I hope you (quickly) ran away from that one.

[sothereiwas]

1 hour ago, JRabbit said:

It's not just an issue for men either, mid 30s here and don't want kids. Every single male my age in my area has kids or wants them and is looking for "the one".  Really hard to meet singles without kids or who don't want them!

Possibly depends on what one is searching for. For me, the only reason good enough to form a family (get married etc) is to make a family. I dated plenty without the intent to form a long term relationship, and certainly not to marry. But for marriage specifically and LTR in general, if kids are off the menu why do it?

[JRabbit]

42 minutes ago, sothereiwas said:

But for marriage specifically and LTR in general, if kids are off the menu why do it?

ummm do I understand your question correctly? You think there is no reason for a long term relationship if children are not going to be involved? Phew. I don't think I have the time to explain all the reasons why. All of the same reasons you have any relationship, just minus the kids part LOL

[basil67]

2 hours ago, sothereiwas said:

 But for marriage specifically and LTR in general, if kids are off the menu why do it?

Tax advantages. Insurance advantages.  Being 'next of kin' for medical emergencies.

My partner and I are long term defacto, even with our two kids.  But if our laws didn't see us as equal to a married couple, I would have gotten married - not for romantic reasons, but for entirely practical ones.

[sothereiwas]

9 hours ago, JRabbit said:

You think there is no reason for a long term relationship if children are not going to be involved?

I don't see an advantage to committing long term that's not vastly outweighed by disadvantages unless we're raising kids. If we end up friends for a long time that's fine.